colly

great advice, i'll give it a shot its wonderful to be feeling like this again

I'm back! Situation: broke up with ex of four years in Jan 04 Now, had my eyes on this new girl for about 2 years at my work and last night we kissed - very out of the blue but suffice to say I'm pretty happy. So what's the next move? We have exchanged a few texts and she had only just split up with her BF last week so yes, I'm probably the rebound! Anyways, I casually suggested we go out sometime and this seems to have killed the conversation. I don't want to rush in all guns blazing but i have waited so long for this you can't believe. I'm not sure what the next step to take is - the ball really is in her court but....I don't know....any suggestions!!!???

I was thinking around these lines yesterday when i was looking at where i was 6 months after my breakup. It seemed to me that i was still here lonely and depressed while she could still have the pick of the bunch and was surrounded by people (LADS). I dont think alot of people realise this to be honest, and it probably explains why my ex is able to carry on like nothing has ever happened as she cannot see it from the other side of the fence, she must think theres lots of great people out there whenever she wants. Oh well, and to think we put up with their moaning so much (watch me get flamed now )

I think you should if you really feel for that person. I also worry that they may reject, but i guess that if they do it is some form of closure for yourself and may help you to begin to move on I am in thi situation, the odd thing was it was a dream that we got back together - i know i cant continue with this and now know i have to ask the question of her

Wow - this will take some guts....! I hadnt even thought about going this far! OK, one more question - do i ask if its ok to call first? Or do i just go for it...? I know i keep reeling questions off but its making me nervous just thinking about doing this thankyou colly

The problem there is that we have no real mutual friends and those that are may find it VERY awkward to be at such a thing. ITs sort of impractical to do... I thought perhaps an email to her ???

Hello again! Well, one and a half months on i am doing ok but of course there are still bad days...! However, by some of my other posts yo may know i am faced with perhaps one of the last hurdles in all this after my 4 year realtionship ended because of me saying it was over to get some response and her accepting it just like that. My history, well, i admit, i am one of the dreaded and few "dumpers" on this board. And yes i realised my mistake, but no, she did not want me back. Anyway, after the pleading thing, no contact was put into place and she had contacted me several times but only to arrange the return of items and what not - no real or clear interest in coming back Now, i am faced with her moving to university soon (an issue in our realtionship which SHE thought we could work through) I am also now faced with her family moving away about the same time, so ALL contact pretty much goes. A good thing perhaps - but i am now faced with a dilemma - a do or die situation. I am no goody in all this, and i now realise all my mistakes and indeed hers, but i i am still very much in love and she said she loved me before we split up (like 1 day before) So, here is the question. Despite the complications with her now not living my me and not much chance of coming back now and then due to her family moving, and despite no OBVIOUS interest in sorting us out (it sort of just, ended...) i wonder if not to make one last attempt. I keep reading that its worth fighting for all the time. I am scared that if i dont atleast ask the question i will regret it and question it for all my life. I also HAVE to know why she said she loved me one day and cut out everything the next = lying to me surely? We have been split before for one year and got back together to be informed that, had i asked after we broke up the first time, we would have sorted it - she is very stubborn. THis is the nasty complicatiton to all this that suposedly had i done it last time, it would have worked out. I do not want to set myself up for a fall, but i have about 1 month before they go and feel i have to do something of i will regret it. Whilst ont he other hand, i sort of feel i am worth figting for by her. So, i appreciate your opinions and suggestions! Thankyou colly

Youe ex sounds like me in my last relationship. Seriously, talk about it - do not go quiet. Alot of the time i wanted some responmse which is why i acted as i did thinking that you they would ask what was up and we waould talk about it but she always just went quiet - it broke down due to a lack of communication. Dont make our mistake - talk about it

If that be the case then i think the answer to your question (though you may not see it for some time) is yes you did do the right thing You sound alot like me, and are currently feeling you did the wrong thing simply because your now alone and it seems worse. As to why he said he loved you and did those things i am not sure. I was a very evil person to my gf but i still loved her to bits and i guess she ultimately coulnt take it anymore even though she too said she loved me often. I am not sure why i was like that - i think it was silly trivial things that annoyed me and i think now i could or should have ignored them, but they just used to wind me up so much I think , for respect for yourself and them, and for love for both of you, if you are hurting, apart may be the best thing.

But that said i dont think it is always so simple. My opinion is that there should be some compromise. You are, if experiences have occurred in your life, "weary" about what could happen. So you both need to build some trust up. A it of give and take never hurt i dont think. After all, its supposed to be ateam effort right! Now, how you approach this i am not so sure. I dont think its as simple as saying to your new partner "hey my last partner cheated so i have problems trusting you" Or words to that effect. Moreso that if there is some form of problem, it should be approached by both and worked at. One knowing the other has an issue i think is very important. Coming from personal experience yes, i had problems trusting. But i was never helped by my partner to regain that trust. Should she have had to? well, in my opinion yes, but she never gave further grouds to trust. It was always a wait to see when a let down would happen again. Now, i dont think, once trust is broken, it will ever always get "back to normal" Anyway, something to chew on there. take care

Hey i feel for you and if i had answers to how to make it all better i would but for now all i can say is that your statement Is completely understansable to me. I posted a popular topic some time ago asking why poeple break up and i think it seemed to come down to one agreeable factor - that is a lack of communication from one party. Why one felt they could not communicate problems with the other is still not clear to me however. All i can say is trust me, i know how it feels to be the one that is putting their all into the relationship and sitting here now i can not honestly say how i will ever put "myself" into a relationhip as much as i didn mine again. But, i did an interesting thing and dug up some pictures of me with an old girlfirend looking happy and smiling and frankly, it cheered me up a bit since it reminded me i had been here before and was still alive! Oh and on a final note, i too was made to feel foolish about thinking she was "uninterested" in me even though i began to feel neglected. My posts tend to drift to me talking about myself alot i know, so maybe another member can offer you more and better advice as to where to go now, but i myself feel comfored knowing that i am not the only one going through this sort of thing. take care

bleh, i had all that "i dont like you to hold doors open for me" followed by a stupid " i dont like to be the first one to walk into a room"excuse seems ure damned if u do and ure damned if u dont and i too have had the "your too nice" one. Ok, ill treat you like **** and well stay together...

Wow. You are bang on with you understanding of my situation! i cannot believe you figured all that . Are you phsychic? Yes, stuff was missing from our relationship, or atleast i felt it was. She had become comfortable - too comfortable. So my breakup was to get some response. Daft huh.... Ironically, about 1 hour after posting this she did contact me (spooky given one month on) She said i have my stuff back soon. I asked why she seemed to avoid talking about us and i have heard nothing since that so thats probably another error on my part since i suspect she still wants to do this" friends thing" How you say stuff like she said and propose to make commitments one day and forget everything the next is beyond me - but still such is life i can only carry on and see what the next day brings me i suppose. thankyou collyx

Hello everyone, its been about a months since my posts on here and I am on and off at the moment. For whatever reasons I shall never understand I broke off my relationship only to find it could not be reconciled and whilst I still have hopes I am beginning to think they will not amount to much and am more hurt that it appears to have meant nothing to her as she appears to be getting on just fine. Still, this is not entirely the point of my posting Some history, quick and simple. – Some trust issues for me (despite constant reassurance) regarding an incident between my best "mate" and her are involved. Hence I was insecure and over protective. So, with her moving away to university, this was clearly an issue for me. This of course no longer matters as we are separated before her moving. So for me the fact she is going away is I suppose good (despite the fact I am jealous that she now has more opportunity to move on than I do due to the environment she will be surrounded in) However, as you do, not letting go, I sort of figured that she would always have ties with her family living around here and would be about now and then. Anyway, now it seems they are moving too – so that's it, over and done with. No more reason to ever see them all again Its like fate that, had we been together with her at uni, she wouldn't have been back much as no longer has family here? But hearing this news, the situation as it is well, this should be a good thing for me right? So why do I feel so sick to the stomach over it? I feel like its all happened so suddenly and one day soon when i drive past it will all be gone. I have no real questions in this topic, but perhaps some observations might be interesting from people. Thankyou, as ever. Ps I really need some stuff back and since I have had no contact (for reasons I did actually expect some) I need to contact to get it back or find out when its coming. Not wanting to contact for "no contact" reasons, plus that it will knock me back several steps how do I go about this? ^^^I guess I do have questions!^^^

You all make interesting points. Deviously, i asked this question as it sort of relates to myself. For this, i apologise At the age of 21 i have had 2 serious girlfriends and several short relationships Now, in not one of these have i ever called it off, thus i have no experience of reaching a point when i personally want it ti be over, so i cannot identify a reason why, if you will excuse the bravado of myself, anyone would not want to continue to be with me. Its just something that set me thinking. Somewhat feeling bad that i must had made someone feel such a away that they wanted to no longer be with me. (gf of 4 years) Further opinions are welcomed - i guess this is just something to do with me...

Why do you break up? I have the question above in my mind a lot. I have recently broken up with my partner of 4 years yet neither of us seems to have moved on and speaking for myself, I am pretty miserable without her – despite it not being the best relationship ever. So I keep asking the question, if you are not moving onto something better, or see something better on the horizon for yourself, why put yourself through feelings of loneliness, lack of sleep and eating? It doesn't figure (unless of course something like physical abuse is going on, in which case the reasons are obvious It didn't figure for me the last time I broke up, but turned out that in the end, someone was on the horizon for her, but that's a different story. So does anyone have any opinions on why you would want to subject yourself to feeling like this?

This is me! I was extra clingy as all i had was her. I wanted some attention. I realise now, after spliting up that she was all i had, thats why i held on so hard. What would i have liked would have been to have been sat down and talk about my problems and some help as opposed to being backed off from Seriously, have a long talk if you can. Thats all i ever wanted. Then take it from there. But if you have doubt, dont just chuck it in. The worst feelingright now is that i know i could have sorted it out but iwas given up on.

Love does not half seem to cloud your vision sometimes. It is scary to se someone you thought you knew so well, someone that you trusted with pretty much everything including your money, go like that. I have in ways neglected my entire femily for this girl and that is a serious fault on mypart. THankfully, they all seem to have recognised this and probably have been through it at some parts thaemselves. What hurts now? Well, despite the obvious feeling of being lonely and sort of lost, it hurts that she can get on with things - that she talks to me -that she, in some ways, wont respect, nor understand why i want to be away from her if she isnt prepared for anything other than a realtionship I also blame myself for lot of things, which people keep telling me was not my fault but i still know some was Too much hurts right now, but i am ok The thing is, i now feel convinced that one day i will find someone else Its a funny hing to thinkthat out in the world somehwere there is someone wandering around going about their everday life and one day we might bump into each other. I dont think you ever know whats around the corner!

Well, i begin to think it is that way. Since i cannot understand the readines for her to move on and the ease at which she appears to be doing it with (not onto another male to my knowledge however) While i sit here struggling to deal with it I was by no means the perfect boyfriend and i realise i crowded her and controlled her THat said, i am a nice guy honest! I did some good things for her , whist i am not trying to make mself blameless i know i put my all into her, Hence why this is so upsetting now to get cold emails about getting money back she has taken a "here have you stuff back im off see ya " approach to all this. Its confucing and i cant see why she must have enjoyed some of it. I know she did or maybe i am thinking too logically over all of this

No, you make a valid point which i have considerd many times Often i had mentioned that i felt like a convenience to her and like i was in her life when she wanted it (there have been many occasions to proove this) I mean, i rarely got email with an excuse well i was busy Yeah, but i made time, i would always do that because she was so important. That said, she has done some really nice gestures and said some really nice things to disporove the convenience theory - this is what makes me so confused over it all I told her i wanted to break up as i wanted some reaction - i got nothing. Like i was sitting before thinking how i randomly used to just cry infront of her, i tihnk then too i wanted some reaction but i got nothing she was too busy with herself - but that said oncemore, she did spend all of her free time with me. I dunno, i am beginning to conclude that really, this may be for the best. But i am sad that it is over and that i myself let myself do stuff like that, that i felt i had to do stuff like that just tog et some form of comforting emotion from her to make me feel wanted. In truth, she probably did want me, but i guess we just wanted different things, She was content to live her life with me as her boyfriend. I wanted contact, affection an genreally just to be made to feel loved. I am not saying by any means she did not do this, but i did not really feel it. That is why this is upsetting - because had i jsu accepted her how she was, we would probably still be together right now Its interesting over all the posts i have made how my opinions on this subject have changed and i think anyone reading this that may have just broke up should considerthat i think in time you do begin to consider whether it really was working or if you were just trying too har and fooling yourself. I dunno, do you think i was out of order doing stuff like turning on tears to get some response?

So, the situation. Very unhappy times for both of us. Lots of arguments. I break it off due to the pressure of the moment and regret it but she accepts it too easily Two weeks on with not much contact she is now having to talk to me about some work that needs doing (school work that i was helping with and cannot drop her in it = unfair) She rings me to talk about it and like nothing has ever happened. Like we are still together or like the whole situation is not bugging her. I bring up the topic of the break up (mistake maybe, but i dont honestly see why i should suffer in this, possible selfish i know but need to look after myself) The resoinse is moreso a stubborn one, in that i broke it off so why should she come back. Im pretty sure this is over, but i dont get these mixed feelings and due to a similar situation a year ago where, had i gone back and not vanished, it would have worked out, i am worried about making the same mistake again. So, my questions 1-I am basically very bugged by the fact that at the moment, 4 years appears to have meant nothing 2-I am bugged that she has not even asked to come back, or asked why i broke it off 3-That despite me breaking it off she juist accepted it like nothing was happening 4-Wondeirng if i should just blurt out do you want to sort this out Since i got, on the last meeting "you understand i cannot get back with you now" (so does that mean in the future we will?) and the "lets just be frends line" To which she could not figure why her essentially asking me to fall out of love with her at a click of a finger seemed so difficult for me (as she appears to have managed to do it herself by last nights conversation) She talks to me like it is on now way awkward and nothing ever happenend any thoughts or advice on what to do because frankly i am lost between whats going on, what might be going on and what i want tob e going on

I think ometimes you say and do a lot of things in reltionships to try to convince yourself everything is ok. Like my girlfiend was really sweet then just gave up hope on me a day later and turned into someone else. If i look back, i see that it was coming - but clearly she had been presenting a front to me, perhaps in the hope that things would change but in the end they didnt I know thats probably no help, but its something to think about and might reasure you that it does happen to others .

He says that if there is anything then it wont be coming from him and his feelings are not mutual. It is reassuring but like i say i am nervous since this has happened before with this girl. He says he values our friendship more than he does hers. My issue is moreso that she wont seem to back of which is making it hard for him as he is stuck in the middle of us both and if as i suspect, she does like him, it makes it very hard indeed. She has lots of close friends and i dont see why she cant just leave me atleast one. He is not a flirty guy, but he is everyones friend and understanding and caring and i think she is getting confused over signals

Hi everyone. You might rememeber, but let me remind you of my situation. I am now single as of last week I was with the girl for 2 years then we broke up in which time (about 2 weeks 2 my knowledge) she ended up with my best friend. The person i had been confiding in about the break up. Last year, we got talking and i was told how she regretted it and always had. I am not sure if it was a case of the grass not being greener but, having thought about her for the entire year, took her back and she left him. Now, for whatever reasons we have split up again 1 year later... But here is my problem. Most of my friends have now moved on while i was with her. I do however, have one friend who has been by me for a long while. But he lives away and recently, she went to stay down with him as she was looking at her new place to live next year and staying there to look around for a weekend. However, she did not seem to keen on wanting me there ( i am upset she is moving and she seems to think that by keeping me out of the way it will save hurting more) Now, let me say, i trust this guy 100% i think! But after the last instance i am naturally weary. Now we are broken up however, she seems to be calling and texting him alot. Like he was down the other day and she was textgin him asking him if he was coming to see her and stuff - which he would never normally do in any case. I feel sorry for him, he has been very supportive and helpful to me. We have talked about the fact that i think she likes him and he said his friends have made similar comments to him. I feel like telling her to back off because she is going to do the same thing to me again. She has lots of friends and i have only this one. But i know i cannot say anything like this. Its just now, she seems to call him more than she ever called me. Is she looking for attention as i am no longer around her? Or is she trying to get him. People, i dont really have anyone else, and it makes it very awkward for him and me. I just want her to leave me this one person. AM i being paranoid and just looking for an excuse? colly

Hmmmm, tricky. I have faced the same situation. I got all edgy about my girlfiend leaving for university - depite the fact she wanted it to work i was, i'm afraid convinced it wouldn't. Not that i wasnt prepared to try, i just thought it might be too hard for myself. Anyway, thats my story and yes we split up but for other, still linked resons Did you do the right thing? I am sure time will tell. I think a long distance relationship will be tough on both of you and i think it is good you can "mutually" end it now with no hard feelings , than potentially risk something bad happening and the distance between the both of you making it hard to talk about. So you have maybe avoided a messy break up here. Not that i am meaning to be negative, moreso looking at some of the possible outcomes of the situation. However, another outcome is that, in years to come, when you have both furthered yourselves (most important thing apparently!) your paths may cross once more and you might find yourselves together again in easier circumstances. Look, what i am saying is that if it was something you could, honestly, both agree on, then i think it shows you both how much you care for each other in understanding and being able to let each other go for the best. Myself, well, it has ended and i, in many ways regret not trying. But i have lost this girl once before and she managed to find her way back one year later. I think, and feel that perhaps in both our cases, as someone suggested to me it was indeed the right person, but just at the wrong time in our lives. Someone can probably offer some alternative advice to you no doubt, but take comfort that things will get easier for us both and work themselves out in the end take care