annagladys

You said you moved from girl to girl previously? Is it possible that you may have hurt another as she hurt you? (I am assuming not as mean and vindictive- but you may have still broke some hearts and this feels the same). Maybe this experience will serve to change your behavior towards future relationships now that you have been hurt? Maybe this is a learning experience that may allow you to understand and have more empathy towards others since you have experienced this hurt yourself now.

I think you should focus on whether the person really cares about you and loves you and what he does to show you this. DOn't confuse you not loving him anymore with being annoyed at his habits. We should not judge others for these unimportant things. This is wrong and it will only hurt you in the long run. Love and trust is really what is the essense of the relationship. All of the other things don't matter- there will always be differences between people- I am 28 and have found this to be true after breaking up with a guy who loved me to death 6 years ago. I thought there would always be someone who could care about me like he did, and be available- but this isn't the case and you have more challenges as a woman in meeting good men as you grow older. Because I focused on things that weren't important (he wasn't as active about career as me, not as interesting, etc.)- I broke it off (and I did love him- but was selfish). Since then there hasn't been even one person that cared about me as much as he did- and he moved on after two years of waiting for me and has married someone else. I am full of regrets because I give this person up for dating people who may have appeared more together, but that were very selfish and uncaring. I can never find a man to replace his passion for me. You may want to consider this- as well when you explore your decision. I suggest taking a break, but keep him close in your life (i didn't and he got away) Anna

There are two types of marijuana- one type- is called "Sativa" The other, well I cannot recall the name. One type is an upper, and the other will tend to make you a little more tired- and we can say this is a downer. The down type is the most readily availalbe- since the "up" type tends to be more scarce and expensive. What makes someone loose a lack of motivation when they are high is the temporary blow flow shifts in their brain. Lack of blow flow is what often makes someone slow, etc. but once the person ceases smoking for several days- normal blood flow will return. There are going to be side effects to everthing you do, but marijuana can help people who are dealing with many types of illnesses and emotional problems- as well. I know people who turn to Marijuana instead of antidepressants (which they try - but have serious side effects for them). Also, marijuana can be a subsitute for highly addictive emotional and physical pain relievers. I think the key is moderation- and mature use. What is bad about marijuana, however, may be the supressing effects it has been found to have on one's immune system (Harvard studies show). Some speculate that there are natural cancer blocking agents in your body that THC may inhibit from working. You may want to look at this as a possible negative- along with respiratory issues (but again- moderation may also prevent these things)-- Also, more research needs to be done and much is just starting to emerge since there are alot of experiemntal subjects that we can use (those baby boomers are coming of an age where we can study these impacts now). Emotionally- as with anything- you don't want to smoke too much if it impacts your life negatively- and you have the power to use in moderation since the drug isn't physically addictive. Annagladys

Hi Swingfox The statistics wasn't an article. Just browse the US census to gather this information. The research, however, is based on interviews of women in areas where there is significant disadvantage to them. But if look at an overall view, those areas where women greatly outnumber men in their respective age group- look at the census to see where these areas are (most cities in the US) (although I am not sure about the globe).... you're going to tend to find the numbers to be a salient contributing factor to why women so very often accept men who have multiple sexual relationships with other women. When I lived in Los Angeles- I did not have one date in 3 years (and I am a very attractive woman- and never had a problem getting a date when i lived in a more rural area where the numbers are somewhat more equal). Can you imagine 3 years of complete lonliness- and to find that a large number of women around you experience the same thing? Black women especially face challenges of being alone because they outnumber black men even greater than white women outnumber white men in the US. Too many women blame themselves because they cannot find a mate and they ARE NOT AWARE of the statistical disadvantage that greatly contributes to their being alone. I unfortunately realize that it is possible I may never find someone who won't cheat on me-- unless a decent divorced man I come accross happens to be available. Annagladys

I believe that it is disrespectful to your partner to not maintain yourself. Unless there is an issue (going through a hard time, recent death, health problems- this is okay as long as the person is trying to change it). It appears your wife isn't or maybe doesn't feel the need. She must know that this disrespects you- this is unfair to you. I am not saying that anyone should kill themselves to look perfect- or never age. It definitely is the person's responsiblity to be fair, though, to their partner and try. I believe you should NOT cheat on her- this isn't right and it will only hurt you in the future- but you should tell her. Could she possibly be depressed?? Also, could she be purposely going against what she knows you want? Also, do you think this could be a way to control things on her part? An

Babes Please refer to my most recent post. This is definitely the reason why..... I think most women aren't aware of this- and yes it is rather depressing once you realize what exists for your future. I am in the same boat. Annagladys

Now this doesn't pertain to all the good men out there..... but it does pertain to why women accept men that aren't good. It is all statistics. If there were more men than women- many more men would have to compete for women and be respectful and nice in order to gain a partner. Unfortunately, this isn' t the case- many cities have 3 women to 1 man ratios- or even worse (5 women to 1 man in DC and LA area). Many of these men are gay in these areas (so i am speaking of those interesed in heterosexual men). One researcher discusses how so many men realize this advantage they have especially in areas where there is a significant advantage in numbers. At one particular college, there is a population of 65 percent women and 35 percent men. During orientation, several of the freshman men were were identifiying women as number 1,2,3, 4... because they were so outcumbered that they knew they could have any woman they wanted. A good portion of the females at this college had relayed they hadn't been on dates for several years . Women put up because they are socialized that they will and should have a partner. Women want to be held at night and often have to share men because they don't want to live their life alone (they cherish even 1 hour of sex with a desirable man - it feels good to be with someone). I truly believe that much of the emotional abuse and uncommitted behavior women receive is because of the statistical inequality between men and women. If the reverse were true (and there were generally more men than women), believe me- men would be sharing women at the same rate we share men. It's merely economic theory of supply and demand- typically related to products we buy. As demand is high for a product (men) and supply is low for a product - quality goes down. The same would be true if men outnumbered women (quality of women and how they treated men would go down). Annagladys

Do everything in your power to do what is right in this situation. If she does something that is weird- like not returning calls, shutting phone off, etc. TELL her how you feel about it- why it bothers you- and that you just want her to know this is how you feel so that your relationship can improve (DON"T SAY IT IN A DIRECT MANNER You can control this situation because she evidently cares- all you must do is shift your behavior in a positive way to get the response you want. If you always do the right thing in every situation- you will KNOW that her manipulation is true and that the situation isn't being influenced by your behavior at all. If she isn't a true person, you'll find this out in the process ( if you respond perfectly every time and she keeps this and other weird behavior going on- you know not to trust). I can help you plan responses to her behavior (although choosing the right behave is usually pretty easy if you plan it out). This is in a sense rational emotive tactics from Ellis I am a psychologist- and although i have a great degree of problems dealing with my ex- your situation is easier to manage since the person isn't malignant towards you and is only doing small things. Unfortunately for me- I was already attached before manipulation began- and this guy cares too little now to respond in any way I wish (he depends on me 0 percent- so this is distinguishes how he treats me).

You must try to be understanding. Life is hard and painful for many of us. As I have grown, I have seen people who have not faced many challenges. On the other hand, there are so many that have faced challenges that are so emotionally straining. When someone wants to commit suicide, it could very well be selfish , but also the person may truly feel there is nothing to live for. I never thought I would feel that suicide could be an alternative until I felt the pain of my father's terminal illness, my mother abandoning him and leaving him for a much younger man and then my own emotionally abusive situation. I felt so helpless and I was so devestated that so many painful things could happen at once, that I could truly understand how someone would want to go to this measure. I also know that things can get better- so experiencing that things got better will probably save my life during future turmoil. Your friend may not have seen that things get better- so you cannot expect her to heal in this way without that experience. I think the mental hospital is a good thing for her- people that are trained will assist. Annagladys

Cristy He obviously doesn't do things in the traditional manner. I think he is still willing to sleep with me (even though he says not). My thinking is that he has been there for me more than any other woman (including the one is with now). This is why it is so difficult for me- if i look at his past- he has always come back to me. I just think he won't this time because the woman lives with him and he depends on her financially and sexually. I know moving on is what i should do- but i obviously can't and i believe that he has contributed to this by still calling me and telling me that he loves me when i ask him. also, he makes a few hours a week to come over and visit me (hoping i will try and sleep with him- i guess). it seems like a cruel game- but my love for him is so strong that he knows i will do this.

I met this man 6 years ago and had a very strong romantic fling right before I left for graduate school. This man spent thousands of dollars on phone bills the first year I was away, but when i came home for the holidays- he was very distant and it appeared he didn't want much to do with me. I grived over him for many months and when i returned home in the summer, I was able to begin seeing him again- he ended up breaking up with his new girlfriend for me. The day I was leaving to go back to school- he simply told me to go to hell and I was devastated. There were many months where we did not communicate (he was mean to me on the phone- yet I still had this passion for him and believed that it was my going away and his immaturity that led to all the problems.) After grad school, instead of staying and finding work, I was drawn to come home and move close to him so that I could try and get him back (I truly believed that we were meant to be). The next 2 years was a struggle. Most of my time was spent accomodating him- and he would break up with me and sleep with other people every once and a while. I stayed loyal- and only went on a few dates and slept with someone once (to see whether I could really be with someone else). It was evident that i couldn't be without him. I couldn't find a job- so I moved about seven hours away and was looking and still called him and told him how much I wanted to be with him. He wasn't convinced- and i onlymoved away because i truly felt he wasn't fair to me and i wanted to secure my career before i went crazy. Only after being away for 2 months, i got a job offer near him and was so exicted to tell him that i was moving back. I drove specifically to his house and tried to spend time with him- but he refused me and after having sex with me left me there because i used something of his that he didn't want me to (hand cream). I saw this as hateful control over my success and that he was angry at me. I also felt he must want me in his life- since it had been 4 years and we were still seeing each other off and on. I also felt guilt because i had left him for school and i should expect that he isn't going to be faithful? I left his house after he left me there and he didn't call me after that for 3 months. When he did, I was so hurt that I avoided his calls. Two months later I called him and he wouldn't speak to me. Several months later, he came back and said he wanted to change our lives together and wanted me to move in with him. I was scared. I didn't move in with him because he only asked me once- but i did see him change his behavior towards me for 6 months. He stopped leaving me, cheating and all that- and acted devoted to me more than he had ever acted before. I truly believed that things were working out. He did, however, break up with me before Christmas as I was out late and he was angry that I wasn't in on time. I also found out during this time that he had got a woman pregant the previous summer when we weren't speaking. This devastated me. I know now he didn't intend for me to stay broken up with him- and I only ended it earlier this year because I was afraid it would destroy my job and career (I found myself crying at work and had butterfulies in my stomach all the time). I called him 2 months ago after his baby was born, and wanted to get back together cause i truly missed him and wanted us to live together now that all his issues were out in the open. I found that he is living with this new girl who he absolutely loves. He talks to me every day on the phone and encourages me to move on.- but I am in so much pain. I have struggled for six years and want nothing more than to be with this person. I truly believe that we have grown together - but now he is very happy with someone who he believes loves him more (this isn't the woman he got pregant). I feel so guilty and wish I had done things differently. He blames most of the issues on me and I am starting to believe that I could still be with him if I would have been more patient with him. I cry all day and have missed more than 8 days of work in the past 2 months. Yesterday he told me that he didn't think he would sleep with me anymore (he did twice last month) because his new woman is very sexually compatible with him and he didn't want to ruin their commitment together. I truly feel that they will marry (she is absolutley beautiful). He is still willing to see me and talk to me on the phone but doesn't act or behave in the committed way that he did prior to telling me he was having a baby with someone else-and prior to my finalizing our breakup during christmas. He still tells me that he loves me - but that his feelings have changed for me since this new person has entered his life. What is worse is that I haven't wanted to be with any one else in 6 years. If I go on a date with someone else, I start crying because he is the only person i want to be with- i feel I have earned it since he has admitted that at times he has been unfair to me. I truly feel that it is just easier for him to start a new relationship than to mend the one we had. I cannot seem to move on- but he can. How can I get him back or get over him? How can i stop crying every day and throwing up and not eating? These symptoms have been going on for years (every time I lose him).