lostandhurt

I believe he wants a gf but that is not you. This whole deeper convo thing is just to keep stringing you along so the sex continues. I am sorry but it is that simple. You are in a fwb whether the words have been said or not. If this isn't what you want then end it. Even if he needs more time who wants to be with a guy that after 10 weeks still can't decide. Nobody should be with anyone that has to talk themselves into dating someone. You are not the girl for him, time to move on. Lost

Well said. I have been basically on my own since I was 12 years old so I certainly don't need anyone for anything. I am single and very comfortable in my new retired life and financially so I can be selective who I date or even agree to meet. I want a partner, not a fixer upper. Attraction is important but as shallow as men can be substance is way more attractive. I look back and sometimes think I was an idiot for taking a pass on some super attractive women but when I remember why I don't feel so stupid. To each his own but I think the key to happiness and being content is not in a bank account or a job title. Some of the poorest people I know are the happiest. Go figure... Lost

Wow! 68 replies and no comment from the OP. I don't think she heard what she wanted to hear. Interesting to see the different opinions on this topic. Some old fashioned and some very progressive. This guy she is talking to sounds like a real stand up guy that is genuine, hard worker, dedicated and selfless. Pretty good qualities in my opinion. This comes down to online dating once again where people make snap judgements and put the cart before the horse before they even REALLY get to know someone and only go off a few words on a profile. This is the most unfortunate part... I agree with you all that think he is getting his foot in the door with the FD by volunteering. I worked at an agency for over 30 years I always preferred hiring people I knew that were part timers. They were a known quantity. OP, perhaps you should focus on your employment situation first and then date. Lost

This has been a relationship of convenience not one of love. Now due to proximity you love her but I don't see that you are In Love with her. If you didn't love or were In Love with her after 2 years it is pretty clear that a life long relationship is not in the cards for you with her. I am sorry but getting married needs to be done for the right reasons and you are lacking a lot of them. Lost

He is who he is with his friend and his old "girl" friends but with you he is who he thinks you want him to be. This in itself is a lie because he is not only deceiving you but himself. He basically wants it all. Committed relationship but also free to do things behind your back. I am sure he is very charming and handsome and says and does all the right things but that is all an act for you and his family. He hides his true self and after 8 months the cracks in the plaster are starting to be noticed by you. They will only get worse. He has banged at least two of these "friends" in the past and contacts them because he likes the attention and the possibility of sex with them again. Doesn't matter if he actually acts on it, it only matters that he is contacting them, reaching out to them to keep them close. In the end you will break up with him, the only question is when. Lost PS You need to stop with the "You need to fight for me" crap. All that will get you is a bunch of promises any man thinks you want to hear. Actions matter, not words...

As far as your career goes it could matter. This all depends on who makes the decisions above you on promotions, bonuses and the like. Unfortunately perception matters and it always will. If you are perceived as not being authentic it could hurt you. In the simplest of terms it is just a ring on a finger but in the grand scheme and centuries of tradition it is a much bigger symbol. To some it is sacred and a promise but to others it is just jewelry. If you choose to wear the ring on that finger at work you will undoubtedly get questions if you are engaged and once you have told several people "No, I just like to wear this ring and it fits this finger the best" it will get around and not be an issue for most. The problem is some may not view your motives as pure and if those people control important aspects of your job then... You could have the ring sized to fit another finger too. I am assuming that one day you would like a romantic partner in your life and speaking as a solid stand up honest guy a woman with a ring on that finger is off limits to me at first glance. Frankly if a guy looked past a ring and hit on you anyways I would question his honesty and integrity. But that is just me. In the end should it matter at your work place? No it shouldn't but as you know there are a lot of things in the workplace that shouldn't matter but do. Lost PS So good to hear of your positive personal achievements. Well done Fudgie!

You are really stuck in a bad situation here. The more you interact with her the less likely she is to move on in any way but if you don't you fear she will hurt herself. This in itself is a form of manipulation by her to control you and keep you from leaving permanently. You were right to end things with her and get out of the relationship so don't beat yourself up no matter what happens. It simply was the right thing to do. Her mental state is not and cannot be your responsibility and needs to be left to professionals. My best advice for you is to let her friends know how bad things are so they can be there for her as she copes with the loss of the relationship. Talk to them if possible and be firm that you are not coming back but you do not want anything bad to happen to her. As far as calling 911 goes if she threatens to hurt herself I think that is a good idea as the dispatchers are trained to handle things like that and you are not. Explain the situation clearly so they know what has transpired and they will take it from there. Fading away slowly or going total NC is something that has to be figured out by you and your conscience. If she is going to work and functioning then she may not be as fragile as it appears. This does need to stop but I am at a loss as how quickly you should cut contact. Lost

Having sex with other people is not going to repair what is broken in the relationship so why try that remedy? I agree you need to figure out if your two libidos are compatible long term. How did you get where you are today? What changed for her to not be interested in sex? When did it start to go downhill? Banging random people is not the cure for this issue, communication is. This isn't because you have been together since you were kids or the only sexual partners you have ever had because this happens to all types and kinds of relationships. It would be best to do some thinking, look back on the intimate side of your relationship and see if you can find some clues and then sit down with her and talk about it. Just don't try and talk about it right after she tells you she is not in the mood. Do it when things are calm and keep them that way as you talk. Your biggest job during all this is to LISTEN carefully to her and understand where she is at in all this. Lost

I have read all the way through this thread and it doesn't seem like the OP needs advice at all. He says he let's others decide things for him but had decided to take it in the butt from a stripper so she can video it and make money off of the sale. He decided to cook her dinner afterwards all on his own. Seems like he has a plan and intends on sticking to it (pun intended) but he is an adult and it is his life choices to make. They aren't the choices I would make or anyone I know but hey those videos come from somewhere right? My only advice to you OP is why put all your eggs in one basket? Why not cultivate other options with other women that aren't so elaborate. You know like asking a woman to meet for coffee or a drink. Just a thought... Lost

You are in over your head right now because of the emotions you have all tied up in this. The best way to tackle this is to take it one step at a time. 1. Tell her that until the house is sold and other living arrangements can be made you think it is only fair that you take turns sleeping in the bedroom. 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off so that you at least get some good rest. 2. Do not worry about the kids forgetting you or not loving you. You are their father and they will see how much effort you put in when you are with them. It doesn't matter about quantity, quality matters most. You want 50/50 custody so don't back down from that. As has been said the court will decide all that so don't let her push you or threaten you into anything on custody. 3. I am not sure where this April 2023 date came from but the house needs to be put on the market as soon as possible. The divorce is a business deal now so treat it as such. Also as soon as a legal separation agreement is signed all contributions to the mortgage by you shall be counted against her share of the dividends. If you pay 4K before the house sells then that comes off the top of her share, no more 50/50 after the separation is signed. This goes for credit cards too or any other debt she may rack up, it will be all hers from that point on. 4. Wanting to get this over with is common but giving up your future just to ease the pain you feel right now is short sighted. Be smart, talk everything over with family, friends or here before you approach her or agree to anything. On that note do not verbally agree to anything just to make it easier or stop an argument. Be smart, stay calm and play the long game. 5. Do not incur any more debt until after the divorce is over unless it will benefit you. By this I mean if your car is falling apart and you need a newer one with the associated payment that comes with it will that benefit you in court? Spousal support or child support is calculated on what you make, how long you were married, how much you have the kids and your ability to pay. If you have a car payment and it is your sole way of getting to work then that reduces you available income. This could help because without the car payment it looks like you have more disposable income. This is a chess game and you have to think several moves ahead always. Be prepared to imply you want this or that just to be able to give it up for a concession from her. If you throw up your hands and bend over in 6 months you will think "I was an idiot to give it all away without a fight. Short term discomfort for long term quality of life is the game here. Since she doesn't work she should have some time to start getting the house ready to sell asap so discuss that with her as well. This is about to get real so tighten your belt and stay calm but determined. You will be fine in a few months. Keep posting it will help. Lost

Reality setting in, she is gone so accept it. The sooner you do the better. Lost

Isn't the question: What are you looking for? Party girl or something serious? If you don't know what you want in your life then all you are doing is wasting every woman's time you date. Stop jerking the cool woman around, it sounds like you are the one making her act this way. The party girl can take care of herself and only sees you as a temporary ride and when she grows tired of you there will be another willing participant soon enough. Lost

That is the first stage of acceptance. It is becoming real and you feel it which is perfectly fine. Feel like crap for a little while and then you will realize the world didn't stop spinning and your life is just fine without her in it. In time you will look back and see this as a blessing. Keep busy, hang out with friends and get back to all the stuff you used to do that you put on the side for the last 6 months. Basically get back to your life. It is a good thing you cannot see any of her social media, it will only prolong the pain anyways. Lost

Do you know what this woman looks like? Is she your type? Are you open to dating? Your ex basically asked you to contact her and give her friend help and it has been ten years so if you are single and mildly interested then meet her for a drink and see what happens. If you don't want to meet her for a date then don't make excuses about your ex and some awkwardness, just decline and wish her well on her new job. Lost

I must have missed the part where she said. "Next time I sleep over I am bringing a friend" She asked a question and so did you. I agree you need to talk about expectations in this budding relationship like what she is looking for? Monogamy? Casual? Long term? and of course you expressing what you want. 6 weeks in and some of this should have come up already but maybe not. Don't let your imagination turn a "threesome" you know nothing about into some horrible thing about her that you have to live with just to be with her. What is most important is that you know who she is now and what her ideas on all the things above and more. Let the shock of her answer settle before you talk. Lost

First off the drinking did not cause him to cheat, that is who he is plain and simple. He is a selfish person that only cares about what he wants when he wants it. Your best bet is to do everything in your power to get rid of him out of your life. Do you have children together? If so does he pay support? He should be. This guy is not going to change for the better and he kind of did you a big favor taking off like he did. Can you imagine how long you would have put up with that alcoholic before finally kicking him to the curb? Count your blessings you will not be wasting another day on him. 9 years is a long time but one more minute on him is a total waste. Lost

Five months and you still haven't spoken on the phone or video chatted? I would be concerned as well, heck I would have stopped all contact after a few weeks of this shady behavior. Let's say she is real and not some guy in prison with internet privileges. Lucy is way to guarded to be in any kind of relationship with you are anyone. It would be best if you put some distance between you two so you can disconnect from her. Also you called it a relationship. You do know it isn't real right? Until you meet it is just an online fantasy and an imagined relationship. This is how scammers get their prey because they are patient. Either way this Lucy is not open and trusting enough to ever allow you in so why keep trying? Lost

Cheaters when caught always deflect and turn it back on you. You had a bad feeling so you trusted your gut and snooped. Now you know so there is no reason to do anything else except remove this guy from your life completely. Really what else is there to do? Do you really want to be friends with a cheater and a liar? I doubt it. This guy is not worth the time you already wasted on him. NEXT!!! Lost

So did you contact him? Have you done anything to let him know you are interested and excited to see him again? If you want something don't just wait for others to decide for you, you have to make things happen in your life. There is a huge learning curve when you haven't dated in a long time so trust you gut and do what is right for you but don't just let things happen. Strong smart women are super sexy so don't let old society thinking slow you down. Have you talked to him since that evening? Lost

She lives 6 hours away. Full stop right there. You didn't form a real relationship when you both lived in the same city so why do you think it will be any better with 6 hours between you two? What doomed this whole thing was playing games. You played it cool and acted like you didn't want a relationship with her so she played it cooler back and then upped you by moving away. I suggest you forget about the night at the bar and let that go. Go about your life and date other people and IF she ever moves back to your city then possibly you both can stop with the games and take a risk and admit how you feel. This other guy is most likely some dude from where she lives now and she was just keeping him interested. He has zero to do with all this so forget about him. Next time if you really like someone be brave enough to put yourself out there and take it to the next level. She lives 6 hours away and is dating other people, time for you to do the same and let her go. Lost

What is your goal? Monogamous relationship? Your goal cannot be: Don't get hurt or heartbroken again. If it is that you will not be open and hide from the risk. This is something we all have to risk for the reward don't we? If you want something and the person you are with does not then why stay around them? Lost

If you want a relationship and he is not ready then yes there is a good chance you can be hurt again. Hoping he will suddenly want a relationship is not a good idea. You are placing your future happiness on a hope that someday it might happen. Are you okay with just a casual dating thing with him while you keep looking for the right guy? Getting attached to fast can be trouble because when that happens we all tend to ignore red flags or start putting our lives second just to see them. This is where you can get lost in the relationship or connection. If you want a relationship and he does not then what do you plan on doing? Lost

If she just wanted sex then don't you think she would have suggested going back to your room? Did you lean in for a kiss or hold hands or anything? Just asking... Like I said before. If you just want to bang girls then do as your buddies suggest but if you want something more real then slow it down a little. I am pretty sure she was letting you down easy but it still sucks no matter the why. We all have questions we want answered. "What did I do wrong?" "What was she expecting from me?" "Should I have made a move to kiss her?" In the end we are not there and can't feel the vibe you do. If it is all free spirits with no strings attached type of girls then yes maybe going for it sooner is the right move. If you want a series of short term flings or not is the question isn't it? I am sorry, I was really hopeful things would have turned out the way you wanted. I have been where you are and it does suck giant monkey butt. Lost

I am not sure what your question is here or if you asked for help or just venting. If you need moral support to help you finally divorce him and get on with your life and make it happy and healthy then we will do all we can but if you just want to vent and then lie to yourself that he will change and take him back then there is zero we can do for you. My parents were alcoholics and I lived it for years growing up. Your husband is not even close to getting clean and sober and worst of all you are using his addiction to alcohol as an excuse for him cheating on you. I am sure you are telling yourself "If he just stopped drinking then he wouldn't be like this" This is absolutely wrong. He is who he is which is a selfish liar that is cheating on you. Drinking is his addiction and didn't make him a cheater, this is who he is. Lost

It is completely unfair to judge this guy on one cheezy compliment. He sounds like he wants you to know how attractive he finds you so don't jump to conclusions on one sentence. Taking offense easily is a red flag for me when meeting someone new. Many times it means they haven't unpacked their own baggage from the last relationship. Enjoy getting to know him and by all means keep an open mind. The worst thing you can do is make him pay for the last guys issues. Lost