lostandhurt

C'mon man, your gf had sex with you for a few drinks, dinner and movie when you first met so how can you be mad about 10 million? I think you personally have bigger issues to resolve than this don't you? Let it go Lost

What is the deadline and what does he need to do before it to stop you from blocking him forever? Lost

This is what you and your gf talk about?

Staying and basically lying to her to get paid back financially is wrong but you already know that. My vote is be honest with her and yourself and have the talk as soon as possible. She is in a better place and able to save up for a deposit somewhere so give her one last gift. Once she is out I am sure you can tighten your belt and get yourself in better shape financially pretty quickly. Heck without all the drama and her needs you could probably pick up a short term side job to speed things up. You will be getting way more sleep so you should have the energy. You should probably wait till after Christmas if you celebrate the holiday. Do the right thing for both of you, you can always make more money. Lost

This person could only take what you freely gave him so take it back! Did you fall for a bunch of lies and lines? Yes you did which in the beginning is understandable because to make new connections we all have to be open and somewhat vulnerable so don't beat yourself up about that. Where you went wrong is when he showed you who he really is you ignored it. In the end it doesn't matter why you ignored all the red flags it just matters that you did. The good thing is it allows you to learn and grow from this so it doesn't happen again. There are evil hurtful people out there that will not only steal your money and possessions, they will steal your heart, time and life if you let them. What is your plan to keep this predator out of your life? Lost

Simple facts: Moving in will not improve anything. Marrying him will not improve anything and especially the different libidos. Your resentment will grow the more you are around him until you end it again. Now my opinion. I think you are coming here for permission to dump him. He is not good for you in many ways so if you are asking I say end this for the last time. He isn't the one you seek. Lost

How is it that this stranger has gotten such control of your life and emotions without ever meeting in person? At this point he is not real, just some words and pics on a screen. Of course he is a jerk that has zero intentions of meeting you and he certainly doesn't want a relationship which is totally on him. BUT You are partly at fault here for creating this imagined relationship with him in your own mind. You have made this person something they are not and so you feel the loss and loneliness when he disappears again. What are you doing in your life other than waiting for this jerk to finally come see you? Instead of pining over him why don't you focus on your real life. Friends, family, work, your health (mental and physical) should be your focus, not some person jerking people around on the internet. How do you rid yourself of him? Stay busy living in the real world and if you ever get lonely and want to unblock him call a friend of come here, we will talk you out of it. Lost

What are these differences? I have a feeling you are looking for a reason to not be in a relationship. This lack of confidence puzzles me. Most guys with low confidence don't get dates with pretty women or have several FWB over the years. Specifically what part of you don't you have confidence about? Lost

When you say you recently broke up, how recent? You started dating the other guy when you were only 19 so you hadn't hardly started developing who you are as an adult yet. The relationship affected you in negative ways you may not even know yet. I totally agree taking a break from dating is the best idea for you right now. Take this time to figure out who you are as a single adult, make new friends and find YOUR path. Then with your feet firmly on the ground you can start thinking about adding a romantic relationship. More than likely as you grow into your new life the right guy will cross your path when you least expect it. From what you wrote other than dating to soon you did everything correctly so don't think your picker is broken, you just ignored some flags is all. You are young and in a new city so have fun exploring and living your life. Lost

Ahh that sucks. I know we were all rooting for you. This is a bad news good news kind of thing. Bad news is she doesn't want what you want, good news is you didn't waste anymore time on her. I know you probably feel very disappointed but you need to know you didn't do anything wrong, in fact you made a statement to clear the air and she made hers. Good on you for stepping up for yourself and speaking how you felt. She may have removed her profiles because of her health or because she met some other guy and the whole my health is my priority thing is all BS to let you down softly. In the end it matters little because the result is the same. My biggest hope is that you see that you are capable of being in control of your side of dating and not just a passenger waiting on someone to tell you what is going to happen. I am sorry but I am also confident you made some big steps in the right direction for your life. Dating and especially online dating is not for the faint of heart. Lick your wounds knowing you did the right thing for you. Lost

I am curious why you are anxious. Do you want to have the talk because you want to lock her down so you don't loose her to some other guy? Your intent is what is most important. It has been a pretty short amount of time dating and not a lot of time together in person so you shouldn't be feeling like you are wasting your time on someone that doesn't want what you want but I agree it should have come up by now. Not the talk but you both should have expressed openly what you want, causal dating, LDR, FWB, Marriage or whatever. If you know what you want and she has said what she wants and they match then taking this from dating to being exclusive doesn't need to be rushed. You don't have to talk about being exclusive yet but you can make a statement to her. "I really like you and enjoy our time together so I have taken down my profiles so I can focus on seeing where this can go" This is an honest statement and you should not be afraid of speaking up and letting her know where you are at in this. This doesn't mean she has to take hers down or only date you, this is what you are doing. Since she has already taken hers down it is a safe move in my opinion. I am sure she has checked to see if you have done the same. Keep dating, keep learning about her and relax. Lost

Good to hear. Get to know her, the real person and make your own judgement as things progress. Speculation and guessing is just a waste of time. It sells and gets clicks but many times the truth is much more benign than the headlines. When are you seeing her again? Lost

You are on a good track here. Many people date not really knowing what they want which leads to a lot of broken hearts on both sides. Figure out what you want then make adjustments to your life to maximize the chances of getting what you want. To the extreme if a person took a 3 year research assignment in Antarctica but was dating wanting a long term relationship also. The chances of anything happening for at least 3 years for this person are extremely remote. Don't give up but you might want to adjust things in your life a little to make your goal easier to attain. Knowing what you want is a great first step which allows you to hopefully avoid becoming attached to someone that doesn't want what you want. Lost

Why can't you? Is there something stopping you from seeking out help? What brought on this period of clarity? Has something changed? Lost

Don't beat yourself up over this as you are human and got caught up in the excitement of something new and your vision wasn't as clear as it could have been. I don't think there is anyone on this forum that hasn't done the same thing. People often say one thing with every intention of following that path and then end up acting another way. She says stay at arms length but when then she pulls you close all the time. Pretty easy to accept her actions not her words. Long distance is tough in the best circumstances and you both had the cards stacked against you pretty high with your work schedules. It sucks but there is nothing you could have done to change where you are now. I am curious what you want for your life? A committed long term relationship? or just dating in between work assignments? Lost

It sucks to finally meet someone, have it go really well and then just change. We always want to know why don't we? This is the problem though because we want to fix it so it goes back to the way it was. What if the issue isn't something you can control? What do you do? This is probably the hardest part because if it was you then you could simply work on the problem and things would be good again. Unfortunately in this instance it isn't you, it is her. This is where you need to accept that you have zero control over how she feels and what she wants. You are no longer a priority in her life and it doesn't matter why, it only matters that this is the way she feels. It sucks I know but you cannot make her want to see you can you? This is where accepting the situation on face value comes in. You want to see her and are willing to Make Time for the relationship and she is not. I am sorry but sometimes there isn't a fix or a solution other than acceptance. She should be honest with herself and you and tell you what is really going on but she hasn't which makes this thing linger. Nobody knows why she has turned cold on you but she has. I doubt it was anything you did so let that go. What to do? Stay busy with work (no problem for you) to keep you occupied and not obsessing over this. Then get back to your life by hanging out with friends, talking to family, doing things you enjoy and on and on. Use your free time like you did before you met her. How to approach communication with her? You don't want to end it and have hope it will improve so don't play games but don't sit by the phone either. When you do talk/text/chat bring up the fun things you have been doing, the success at work, outings with friends and leave the US talk off the table. As time passes you will see the answer and then accept it and either move forward with her or wish her well and tell her if her life situation ever becomes less hectic so she can enjoy a deep connection with someone to look you up and if you are single you can talk. I know you are thinking of buying her a nice xmas gift to help this along. I simple gift with a nice card wouldn't be a bad idea but nothing to expensive. Make it special, not expensive. Lost

What a wonderful selfless man. The loss of such a grand soul from all your lives has to be crushing but from what you have written he made a huge impact on all your lives and those memories cannot be taken away. It sounds like he lived a good life full of love and happiness. Condolences to you and everyone that knew him. Lost

So she is out of your league, is wealthy and has shown you attention you have never gotten from a woman as pretty as she is. I get why you want to hang in there and I don't blame you. You asked why she would want to manipulate you since you don't have anything she would want. You do have something she wants which is your soul. I am not talking about evil life sucking soul grabbing but taking away who you are so she can have you at her beck and call. She says jump and you ask how high kind of thing. Boltnrun is exactly correct that you wouldn't understand this behavior because you could never imagine treating or controlling someone like that but there are tons of people that do just that all the time. On the surface her ex story sounds like a bunch of BS. If she is not open and honest with you about who she is then how can you fall in love with her? She is a stranger and you cannot fall in love with a stranger right? Keep your eyes and ears open as this thing moves forward. Stay off IG and stay busy with your life until she returns and you can get to know each other. Lost

I am going to be very blunt with you. She is either BiPolar and was manic when you first started this whirlwind romance or she is manipulating you with hot and cold emotions so you will be easy to handle and control. Just look at yourself right now. You are blaming yourself for her cold shoulder because you sent her a card and wanted to talk about YOUR feelings? This is setting you up to take the blame for everything and mold yourself into whatever she wants. You are already losing who you are chasing after her. I lived though some of this. When it was good it was the best but when it was bad it was the worst you could imagine and then she would act like it never happened a few days later. If you stay what will be the cost? At the very least slow this thing way down so you can actually get to know her. If she will not tell you about herself that is just another red flag flying high. Be careful, this isn't looking good. Lost

That is to bad they didn't choose you. Each experience can sharpen your skills though so you are more relaxed and really show who you are to the panel. Best wishes on the next one! Lost

This isn't you, it is her. The reaction to the post it note would have me worried. Everything she expressed at first was over the top and now it is the POLAR opposite (hint hint) Validation is nice to get but it shouldn't be a need. Do things because you want to and want to make the other person feel good, not because you want an emotional gold star. I think we all agree this woman is not for you but do you see it? Are you going to keep trying or step back and let it fade away? Lost

I think she is doing you a huge favor by showing you who she really is this early. Pay attention!!!!!!!!!!! This thing went from zero to 100 mph in seconds and now back to 20 mph. Pretty scary stuff to have someone telling you and your family she is buying a house and having your babies to ignoring you and telling you that you are in for a lifetime of disappointment. These huge mood swings are one of the biggest red flags so you need to step back and rethink all of this. You don't even know this woman so let her keep showing you who she really is. Lost

What is the end game for him? This is the question isn't it? If he needs affordable daycare which who doesn't then he could easily drop his children off at his parents or they can pick up the kids from school and he could get them on his way home from work. If he cannot function without assistance and support from his parents then that is a totally different thing to consider. If he is waiting to find a replacement for his dead wife before he moves out then... There are a lot of reasons to take a pass if things don't add up but it shouldn't be your friends choice, it is yours. They are right to question why he still lives at home at his age and status in life just to make sure you are seeing the whole playing field and not just ignoring possible red flags. How long have you been dating? Lost

Wow, you are a saint for hanging in there this long. So everyday you feel like you are on trial for something you haven't done. Not much of a life and it has to be wearing you done emotionally. This isn't your problem, it is hers and even if you hadn't told her the truth about your ex porn addiction she would have found other reasons to keep this verbal and emotional abuse going. She has some serious issues and you are taking the beating for them. Straight up she is not going to change and you will NEVER be able to convince her that you are not a cheater. This is in her head and will stay there until she gets help but that is years and many failed relationships away from today. She may cry and be super upset but that is no reason to stay with her. There is zero trust on her part and without trust there can be no true love. Time to end it. Give her the gift and then give yourself a gift of peace and freedom to live your life without constant accusations and attacks on your character by breaking up with her. There is no other way. Lost

How do you eat a sandwich? One bite at a time right? It sounds like you think everyone else just ate the sandwich in one big bite and was done with it. The things you think are important for self esteem or self worth will be totally different for someone else. Instead of trying to achieve what you think others consider makes you worthy why don't you think about it and tell us what you feel deep down would help you feel better about yourself in this world. There are some on this planet that didn't achieve what you are seeking until they gave everything they had accumulated and accomplished away. This isn't about stuff or muscles it is about you, your soul and what feeds that soul. Money wise you are on a good tract but you do need to pivot a little. Having no credit is better than having bad credit so you are ahead already there. Get a credit card, one preferably with no annual fees (check your bank where you have the 30K first) and use it for some of your daily expenses. Gas, food, entertainment or whatever as long as you pay off the balance BEFORE it is actually due. I am pretty sure the credit agencies check your percentage of credit usage each month on the 15th so to keep your percentage low (below 10% of available credit) pay the bill early on the 13th. Your credit score will rise if your percentage stays under 10% but if it looks like you use 30 or 40 % of available credit you look like more of a risk. Of course this has nothing to do with self esteem but you mentioned it so I threw it in. How we perceive ourselves in this world is relative many times. If you are the big fish in the big pond you don't feel special but get tossed into the little pond and even though you haven't changed you suddenly feel important. Lost