lostandhurt

First line out of the cheater handbook when caught. They mean more to her than you or the relationship does. Gaslighting you hoping to deceive you into thinking everything is okay so she can go back to fooling around but have you as a back up plan and security. Classic cheater, blame the victim and not take any responsibility for their actions and lies. This is because you are the bad guy in her eyes so she doesn't feel so bad about cheating on you. You are the villain and nobody cries when the villain gets killed even if he is unarmed. Cheaters often do this to check in so you don't catch on. They also do it to make sure you are home and not going to surprise them where ever they happen to be or said they were. What you are feeling is shock, disbelief, anger, betrayal, sadness, embarrassment and loneliness. All very common so don't beat yourself up about it. Mourn the loss of the relationship but remember you are missing the woman you thought she was, not the woman she really was. You fell for her and so you saw what you wanted to see. It happens to everyone. You did all the right things under the circumstances so hold your head high on that front. From the timeline you described she was messing around for several months at least with one guy. I know this sucks but you need to accept that she cheated and lied to you for months. She could have just broken up with you and moved back with her father but she chose to keep you in the dark and lie to you. That isn't love, it is pure selfishness. You trusted your gut and it was right, don't forget that. You are better off alone than with someone so deceitful and cruel. Lost

First off don't be ashamed. There is nothing wrong with being nervous and not having much experience. If this young woman is the understanding type then I say you talk about it with her. "I don't know if you noticed but I am not all that experienced with dating" "I wanted to kiss you goodnight two dates ago but I got nervous and chickened out" This is the Elephant in the room so why not bring it up and make it the topic of the conversation. This I think will be better than me telling you how to read her eyes and how to lean in part way and look for signs from her. You just need to get this out of the way and in the open. There is nothing wrong with being nervous around a woman you really like until it goes on to long and she begins to wonder what the deal is. Best to bring it up in person, no texting it! Are you brave enough to talk about this with her? Lost

Yes you did overreact because there were no omojis. Think about that for a moment. A text from him didn't have omojis. I think the honeymoon phase ended and the differences you mentioned started to creep in. I will say he went way to fast with talk of marriage and children. How long did you actually date? Next time don't read so much into a text message. We see it here all the time where a stupid misunderstanding because of a text message or how long it took someone to respond to a message ruins a good thing. Your insecurities are troubling but we all have them, you just allow yours to subvert your happiness. This is where I think you could improve things. He isn't the only guy in the pond so once you heal from this and stop beating yourself up over how you caused him to walk away start dating again but with a different outlook. Lost

Then you cannot ever be in just a casual relationship with her. You would need a committed relationship with a future or it would just tear you up. Give it some time, think about what you want if you meet the right woman and then contact her. If she is single then be brave and lay it all out on the line and see what she says. In the mean time figure yourself out so when you meet the next great woman you will know how to proceed. I know this sucks right now because I have been there. A lot of people have "The One That Got Away" in their pasts but the positive side to all this is that it exposed you, the real you so go with that and stop acting like you want one thing when you want something else. I am curious, before this woman did you ever think you could get serious with a woman with 2 kids? If the answer is no then remember that when you speak to her sometime in the future. She should know that she meant so much to you that it changed the way you looked at a lot of things. Best wishes as you learn to let this one go. Lost

You have recognized this as what it is so that is all you can do emotionally. Now it is time to get out of fantasy land and back to real life by putting yourself out there. The best way to get your mind off your coworker is to get going with dating. Have you tried online sites? Once you turn your focus to something more constructive your thoughts will fade of her. This all comes down to your willingness to engage in a healthy pursuit of available women for you. How is your dating history? Lost

Have you ever been in a long term relationship? Short term? Been in love? What I see in your words is a guy that wants a monogamous stable relationship but isn't willing to admit that to himself or anyone really. As far as she goes it could have been as simple as a rebound, she was dating several men at once and you were not the top pick or she was looking for a relationship subconsciously but was afraid of going down that road again so soon. What I have found in dating to be one of the worst parts is meeting someone that doesn't know what they want. They say they want this or that but when you fall for them (you did fall for her big time despite what you say) then they get scared because they were not ready for what they thought they wanted. Could be a relationship or casual dating but each person needs to be emotionally capable of following through and often times they are not. Keep doing what you feel is right for you right now but you need to learn the lesson from all this which is: If you meet the right woman you lean into relationship mode whether you consciously do it or not. Growth and maturity are all good until they smack us in the face and knock us off the path we thought we wanted to be on. I think you handled this pretty well except for not accepting your true feelings for her. Scary stuff sometimes... Lost

HELP my boyfriend acts single and idk what to do Answer: Make him single. Dump his butt asap. He isn't worth the effort you put in to type all that out. Lost

Perhaps your combative nature on this forum is what is bringing out your perceived idea that you are being flamed. Lost

Everyone is different and handles stress and emotional situations differently and at varying levels. To suggest a man or a woman for that matter that is more emotionaly fragile is somehow not dateable or relationship material is very judgmental. Partners find each other and couple because they see in each person attributes they like. For you being more fragile emotionally is a dealbreaker but for others it may not be even a consideration. Are there people in this world that have a harder time dealing with things that come at them? Yes but that doesn't mean that they cannot be a good husband and father. Just because a man has a penis doesn't mean he isn't allowed to be other than what society has deemed masculine. Many men hide their emotions because they are afraid of looking weak. Who is braver, the man that easily expresses his feelings or the one that hides his? Generalizing is always dangerous. Lost

This is really simple. She was not as into you as you were into her. She met you in person and gave it a shot to see if sparks flew and when none did she had a headache and then picked the shortest possible meeting (coffee) to close out your visit to NJ. This happens all the time but it usually closer to home like 30-45 mins away. If you are going to try and meet women more than 3 hours away you need to start video chatting with them over a few weeks to a few months BEFORE you get plain tickets. Unfortunately this is dating. It happens to everyone not just you. From what you wrote I think you dodged a bullet on this one anyways. Most people are on the very best behavior on first dates so could you imagine what she is like after she is comfortable around you? Yikes! Don't give up but don't rush into these things either with that much distance and possible language barrier. Lost

Feelings for his ex meant he was dating you but hoping to get back with her and frankly I think he is still waiting and hoping for that and that is why he hasn't committed to this relationship. If you bring it up he might say the words but he will not mean them. How old are you and he? Lost

Instead thinking of it that way how about you look at it as he will have one family where the dad(you) is happy and capable of showing true love and honesty. One happy single dad and son is way better than this mess. He will see and feel the tension and lies and will think that is what a relationship is like. It is okay to be afraid of what will happen if you finally end it, I know I was but it was the best decision I have ever made. Living with what you are takes a big toll on you emotionally and physically. As you can see she has turned it all back on you which as I have stated is classic cheater. You become the bad guy because you didn't ________________(fill in the blank) and so you are really the reason she cheated. It wasn't that she is a liar and a cheater, she is the victim of a bad husband and so she needed to have sex with other men just to stay married to you. Sounds fair right? NOT!!! Some guys need to actually walk in and find their wife in their own bed banging some strange dude before they accept what she really is. Is that you? I doubt she will go to counseling because cheaters almost always avoid a third party impartial professional. The reason? Because they will call them on all their BS, gaslighting and lies and the best way to keep all that going is to keep you off guard and off balance so you never get your feet under you securely. Keep posting and re-read all your words here, sometimes seeing it in print brings a sense of reality to it all. Lost

Your wife has had at least 6 emotional affairs since meeting you, at least half probably physical too. I am sorry to tell you but she will do it again and again and you are a fool if you think otherwise. Trust me I know, I lived it. I didn't see where she was remorseful. I did see where she blamed you for her infidelity. Classic cheater. Here are some other classic cheater lines: (And what they really mean) He is just a friend ( A friend I want to have sex with) I just needed someone to talk to (I like the attention and the excitement of going behind your back) We just talked, nothing physical happened (We had fooled around when we could) Don't worry he is married (He is a cheater too so I know I am safe, he will never tell) I promise I won't do it again. (I will try harder to not get caught) Time to start looking into divorce if nothing else so you will be ahead of the game when you catch her next year doing the exact same thing. Lost

Wait what??? House full of relatives, her fathers dead body in the living room, people staying up late mourning and you think she went to the spare bedroom to bang your friend? Pretty sick. Instead of confronting your wife why don't you confront your so called friend? I know guys like this that like to start crap but when you face them they tuck their tail between their legs and hide behind something. "I was just kidding" "I didn't say that, you mis-heard me" "I was just playing around to get a rise out of you" You have nothing other than vague comments from your friend. If you want answers sack up and call him on it, if not let it go and if he mentions it again pull him aside and let him know if he ever implies anything like that again you and he will have a big problem. Lost PS There is no way with this lack of evidence you are 95% sure she cheated. You are maybe 20% and only because she cheated before.

Breaking this down into the basics of a relationship it does not look good. Total opposites socially Totally different libido Totally different on having children You might be able to survive with one of these but all three? No way. You did the right thing and actually hung in there longer than a lot of people would have. In time this will look like the best decision you ever made. You should contact him and let him know you don't need to revisit the break up in a month, you are sure it will never work between you two. Lost

This is the classic No Win situation or Damned if I do and Damned if I don't. What you need to do is think about your life first in all this. What would be the least damaging to you? Making yourself scarce around the holidays or staying all the way through? If all she is going to do is talk behind your back about what a terrible daughter you are then by all means get out of there and be with your bf. She tells stuff like that to your face now so who cares if she runs her mouth off to whomever is unlucky enough to listen. By the way after the holidays if she lays into you constantly just ignore her. I know it is easy to say and hard to do but it is possible. You know who she is and how she is so that is your advantage. This kind of sounds like a battered wife trying to keep her husband happy so she doesn't get a beating. She does things she doesn't want to just to avoid the inevitable. This is my point, your mother is going to beat you down no matter what you do so why not enjoy the holidays with your bf and make some really good memories you can think about while your mother makes her noise. There is no changing her or reasoning with her so just do what is best for you. Any escape from her even if it comes with a price of more demeaning comments seems to be worth it. Lost

You would be very selfish if you tried to be her "friend" right now because you know she wants more than friendship. She would agree hoping you would change your mind and you cold ease your guilt and have a friend even though it is hurting them. Try and not only think of yourself for once and consider what a friendship with you has and will cost her. Perhaps some day when she is healed and moved on you could be friends once again but right now she need time to heal. Remember just because you can shut off your emotions easily doesn't mean she can. If she ever meant anything to you leave her be Lost

This guy friend wants or is banging your ex. It is that simple. Cheaters lie and then lie some more. "We are just friends" is one of the first lines cheaters use. If she was serious about working on her lying and cheating I would think the last thing she would do is make a new male friend right? You are being naive or blinded by love or lust to think she can be trusted. If you know what is best for you end this reconciliation, heal from her betrayal and then use what you learned from this to help you avoid it in the future. Lost

What exactly are you looking for from us? Help on how to get out of this cycle? Help on how to get out of this relationship? OR Help on how to win? It seems you are here looking for people to take your side, is that true? Be honest Lost

Okay I have been on this forum a long time and I have seen this come up constantly. There are men out there with sexy gorgeous wives/gf's that would rather watch porn and jerk off than be intimate with them. This isn't about you at all, it is about him and the fantasy. Porn isn't real which most people understand but it serves a real purpose. Watching porn is easy and there are no downsides it would seem right? Watch, get turned on and then pleasure yourself and nobody gets hurt. Of course that isn't how it really is. Men and women sometimes get sucked into the fantasy or just the ease of it. There is no one else to worry about, you can be selfish and just get off and be done with it and most of all it becomes habit or in this case an addiction. Porn has become his intimacy and his total sexual release. This was never about you, it was about him neglecting you and real life for women faking everything. My biggest concern is that 1. You are taking some of the blame and 2. He doesn't seem to think there is a problem. I have seen and lived through addicts admitting they have a problem just to get somebody (family member, boss, wife) off their back. Then they make a bunch of promises they have no intention of keeping because in their mind they have it all under control. Your bf didn't show remorse or shame for neglecting you and the relationship. What does that tell you? By now he can only get an erection to porn and that is why he stall and changes the subject when you initiate. He has conditioned himself to only get turned on by porn and he is probably somewhat concerned but not enough to stop cold turkey and seek outside help. He is not your soul mate, soul mates do not neglect the person they love for a video screen. Intimacy is more than just penetration and it sounds like you are missing all types of intimacy from him. Since you do not live together and have no children together I think you should seriously consider ending what is left of this relationship. You mentioned thinking about cheating, well he has been cheating on you in a sense hasn't he? He has turned all his sexual desires to other women even if they are actors playing a part. If he was remorseful and doing everything possible to break the addiction I wouldn't be telling you to reconsider the relationship but he isn't is he? You are so young and at 3 years together should still be all over each other but you haven't had sex with him since year two. What will year 5 bring? I don't see any future with this guy do you? Lost

I agree you should wait at least until date 3-4 depending how they go. If they are super long dates and things are going well then maybe the third date but don't wait to long so it looks like you are keeping it from them. No need to do it sooner because there may not be a 2nd or 3rd date anyways if you two aren't a match. Your diabetes doesn't define you so relax. They may be more concerned you have never been married or in a long relationship. Don't force the info either. Bring it up in conversation perhaps when talking about you are and your date will be ordering for dinner. "I would love to have __________ but it isn't good for my diabetes" Keep it causal like it is no big deal and it probably won't be. Good luck Lost

I think what you have a hard time letting go of was the idea of him or the idea of a romance with him. Of course it wasn't real but you invested so much into it the idea or fantasy it kind of became real. This is why it is so hard to let go of him because he represents happiness and being wanted. This is the rabbit hole of a crush. We sit apart and imagine being close to the point where like you if something happens to ruin the fantasy the rest of our day is crap. The best thing is to see it for what it was and see him for who he is. Take him down off the pedestal you placed him on and see him as just a guy. He has faults and jerks people around so should he be on the pedestal? Keeping busy is of course a good step but also opening your eyes to what is around you. I would bet good money there are more than a few guys crushing on you that are afraid to talk to you. Think about it. Lost

Yes he should make the effort to attend the wedding with you not to mention travel with you and make sure you are happy and safe. He is being selfish and lazy. You are a couple and sometimes one partner may have to do something they might not particularly want to do just because their partner would be happy if they did. He could easily drive to the first wedding and attend with you, spend the night and then drive to his friends wedding having the whole day to spend with you before the wedding starts. I agree you need to step back and think about how much this relationship means to you and then how much it means to him through his actions. You have been dating a year and I am sure if you are moving in together the "I love you's" have been said. Love is more than a word... I wouldn't skip his friends wedding as punishment but I wouldn't go. Also don't go alone to your friends on Friday, ask a friend to go with you as your plus one. I am sure one of your gf's would love to go and have fun with you. Lost

It sounds like a culture clash. I would imagine if his family was more loving and helpful you wouldn't feel so home sick and alone. From what you have described there is little chance he will change and zero chance his family will treat you with the respect and love like you should be. If his business is there how did you think he would be able to leave or want to leave? Also his life ambitions don't seem to line up with yours after all. Did he tell you what you wanted to hear? How often do you take the baby and visit your family? When was the last time? In the end I don't see any compromise on where you two live unless he can run the business remotely. That means you either endure this forever or leave him but with a baby I don't know what custody would be like. Lost

OP you there? Do you want him back out of fear of being alone? If so you really have been alone for some time haven't you? Lost