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Sanbecks

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  1. I’m 95% sure that my wife slept with my friend 5 years ago and I’m in a dilemma as to whether I confront her with it and turn mine and my kids’ life upside down or deal with it and allow our 3 kids to continue their happy family life. Backstory: been married since 2008 and have 3 kids. In 2016 was living in my wife’s home country in SE Asia and my friend came to visit. He stayed for a couple of nights on our house then he and I travelled to a different part of the country for 3 days and then went our separate ways. That last night at our house before my friend and I went on our trip was when I think it happened. My wife’s father had recently died and she was ‘hosting’ the funeral process…basically the coffin is in the family home and people come around to pay respects, eat and drink and play cards etc. My friend and I spent the evening with them and then went for a meal and went back to my house. Early the next morning my wife woke me up so that I could go and catch a bus at which point she told me that she’d slept downstairs on the sofa as she didn’t want to wake me. Our spare bedroom where my friend was staying was also downstairs. The kids and their grandma (who lived with us) had all stayed over at the family home where the funeral was taking place. I didn’t think anything of this at the time as I was half asleep and also it was an unusual time with her grieving for her father and she often stayed up all night at the funeral. Fast forward to being back in the UK and my friend has sorted me a job where he’s my line manager. He’s a big extrovert and one of his idiosyncrasies is to subtlety make fun of people in plain sight by saying stuff really quickly that you’d think ‘no way he’s said that’. He does it to our big boss all the time and is really proud of it and tells me about it. Thing is, as I know that’s his little game I’ve picked up on it a few times when he’s mentioned my wife in conversation. It’s always ambiguous with plausible deniability so I haven’t been able to call him out on it but last week he was a bit overt. He was in conversation with some colleagues at a work event and he was discussing how despite being good with words he’d always found it hard to pick up women, ‘except xxxxxx’s’ (insert my name). Like I said, he speaks at 100mph so he likes to drop these lines in and then move on so that you haven’t got time to process it. But it’s about the 3rd or 4th time so coupled with the weirdness about my wife ‘sleeping on the sofa’ that night I’m pretty sure it happened. Sidebar….about a year before this event she admitted to having an affair with someone else after I presented her with irrefutable evidence. Swore blind that it was a one off and that she valued our kid’s happiness not to do it again. So my dilemma is whether I confront her with my suspicions. Which she’ll deny and I have no proof so it will cause a massive rift between us. Or if she admits to it and then do I ruin my children’s happiness and seek a divorce? Not only that but I’ll need to leave my job that I’ve been happy in for 5 years. Or do I forgive her and try to get past it as I don’t think they’ve met up in the UK (but I’m not 100%) Or do I suck it up and just suppress it all to maintain my family and work harmony at the risk of my self esteem?
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