lostandhurt

My question is: Will you break up with him without proof he is dating again? It sounds like you want to believe him but your gut is telling a different story. Since this has come down to snooping and checking on your bf it is basically over anyways so make it official. I am surprised you haven't made a profile with some fake pics and tried to bait him into contacting you. Lost

Very heartbreaking childhood to endure. I don't think you mourn the loss of love from your parents since they really never gave you that love. What you can mourn is the lost hope that they would one day see that you are lovable and they screwed up big time. You are not broken or unlovable they are. Withholding love and being abusive to your own child is not parenting, it is cruel. I would even go as far to say they aren't your parents for the way they treated you, they were more like your caregivers almost like a foster parent. What you are feeling is acceptance. You made your stand (good on you by the way) and hoped deep down that they would hear you and rethink what they have inflicted upon you and change. When that didn't happen the reality of who they really are hit you in the face and you could no longer wish it away or dream of the day when they showed you love. Now you have to accept this is the way they are and the way it will be. In time I believe you will feel lucky you broke the bond and got away. The stress and continuous let down has had to eat at you all these years. Well now you can stop wasting time on them and focus on all the other people in your life that do love you. Think about changing your perspective on this from a loss to a gain. What have you really lost? Lost

We could use some more context please. What kind of texts? Who were they too? How do they know each other? How long have you been dating? Lost

Tough spot for sure. Ask yourself this simple question: Would I rather have a broken heart for six months to a year over the breakup or have a broken heart every time I see a boy and his father the rest of my life? This is one of those times not matter what you do it will hurt but one choice will be short lived and the other regret will haunt you. Lost

The OP hasn't been back since the day after he first posted (July 14th). I am pretty sure this thread is dead. Save your breath or key strokes in this case... Lost

Good luck You are not going to teach him how to be considerate or understanding if he doesn't have those qualities already at 51. Tell him to delete the video off his phone while you watch him do it and make sure it gets deleted off the cloud as well. Since it sounds like you are going to continue dating him you need to set clear boundaries right away because he obviously has none. I am pretty sure you can do better than this guy but since he pulled the vulture move on you he is the only guy post divorce you have experienced. The vulture circles the wounded waiting for their chance to get what they want. He is your "friend" through the divorce so he can be your "friend" in the bedroom later. Take a step back and clear your vision, I would guess you do not over react as much as you think. Lost

Sad, I have seen this many times and lived this myself. This was originally called Walk Away Wife Syndrome but more accurately would be Walk Away Spouse Syndrome. Google it. So she is unhappy with her life and she cannot blame the kids and it cannot be her fault so who is left to lay the blame on? Exactly, you are to blame for all the things she has missed out on and you are to blame for her unhappiness. Her solution is to get rid of you and poof! she is happy. The only problem is you aren't the problem she is. Time after time she has had the chance to go see a doctor or seek help somehow but she never does. The plans for her to go back to school requires her to ACTUALLY make the plans, research classes and register but she hasn't. Do you see a theme here? There have been numerous men and a few women that have been on this forum over the years that had the same thing happen to them. The spouse wants out but never really leaves even if they move out they still linger in the relationship like a security blanket of sorts. You are now her security, her bank, her housing manager, food, entertainment and friend but you are not her husband in her eyes. This is the doormat phase where you think if you could just do better somehow she would change her mind. If you let her do what ever she wants and kiss her butt she will snap out of it and things would be okay. The only way she is going to snap out of anything is with a healthy dose of reality. You see she has built this fantasy in her imagined mind of how wonderful her life will be once you are out of it. The thing is this fantasy life is missing a lot of reality like most fantasies. Kids, rent, a job and on and on. This is why she doesn't want to see a therapist or marriage counselor because she is afraid they will ruin her fantasy with logic and reality. What can you do? At this point there is nothing you can do because the more you try the higher she will build the wall she has constructed between you. When you try and work on the marriage she sees it as an attack on her whole premise so she fortifies her defenses. She is the one that needs to start tearing down the wall, not you. Unfortunately these things rarely work out the way you are hoping, I am sorry. Acceptance will be your friend in all this and when you can begin to accept that she is no longer the woman you fell in love with the sooner you can begin to move towards what is best for you and the children. If you like I can send you a few links to threads on here from a ways back of people going through what you are. Perhaps you can glean something from them. I can't tell you what will work but I can tell you what will NOT work. Walking on eggshells around her, being a doormat, kissing her butt, agreeing to ridiculous demands, giving up your bedroom, acting like everything is fine, acting like a happy married couple when you are not, trying to be a perfect husband and most importantly putting your life on hold while she holds your heart hostage. You need to begin to look into divorce where you live so you at least have some knowledge as you decide what to do and when to do it. The unknown is scary so educate yourself so the fear will be the least of your worries. Lost

The odds for that to happen to the same woman that close together have to be pretty hi. "If you use it perfectly, the pill is 99% effective. But people aren’t perfect and it’s easy to forget or miss pills — so in reality the pill is about 91% effective. That means about 9 out of 100 pill users get pregnant each year." Either she is skipping pills, taking meds that are interfering with them or is not being truthful again... Lots of red flags flying around this young woman. I think your best bet is co parenting from an extreme distance. Lost

If he did get offended then that is on him and his ego, not on you. You were very polite about turning down his offer to help out so there is no reason for him to get butt hurt. I say let it go and act like you were not worried he was upset about not being able to help pay for the room. If he brings it up then tell him it is important to you that you feel like an equal partner in the relationship and are allowed to do things for him like he does for you. Men and their pride and ego have caused immeasurable amounts of problems throughout history. Lost

Seriously? Her telling a lie to cover up that she slept around a lot more than she is letting on should be the least of your worries here. She flips flops between two guys and gets pregnant from both of them, pushes for marriage way to soon and shows very little maturity or responsibility. Not a good way to build a relationship/marriage is it??? The lies could be her not wanting to tell the whole truth. She has been with way more than 5 guys but it afraid you will run for the hills if you hear the real number. It is a wonder she doesn't have 5 kids by now. 6 month is way to short of a time to really know anyone so slow this thing way down. You shouldn't even be considering an engagement until at least a year. I agree you should get a paternity test after the baby is born or at the very least figure out what blood types are possible for the baby if you and the mother had children. Who's idea was it not to use birth control? Lost

If he is sitting alone then sit across from him so he can see you stealing a look at him. When he looks up and sees you looking his way simply smile your best smile and then look back at your bible. Then keep an eye on him once in a while and see if he is looking your way. This kind of breaks the ice for when you walk up and say hi after service and introduce yourself. Be brave and go for it! He is a nice guy and will not do or say anything to make you feel bad no matter what happens. He could be even more shy than you are... Anyone else you run into frequently you would like to meet? Lost

Taking a chance always seems harder before you do it. Once done no matter how it turns out we almost always think "why was I so scared to say or do that?" Is there a guy you have in mind you would like to meet or talk to? Lost

What are your misgivings about masturbation? Let's say you were physically unable to be intimate with him at all as you recovered from a car wreck and it took 2 years to be all good again. Would he have to wait or would it be okay if he took care of himself? Lost

I am a guy and have been approached by women at events, parties, concerts and grocery store and not one of them (except for a few) came right out and asked for my number. What they did do was show interest, were talkative, introduced themselves and generally made it clear that they were interested in me. Basically they made it easy for me to get the hint. About a third of women that have approached me I wouldn't have approached because I thought they were out of my league or to young for me so it was a nice surprise. If you see a guy you think is attractive do you have enough confidence to strike up a conversation with him? Maybe you see the same guy at the coffee shop? Store? Gym? Could you be extra friendly? Meeting people with the same interests is always easier because there is a built in ice breaker right? The trick is find something to ask or say to the guy. If he is interested in you and single he will carry on the convo. Guys get rejected all the time and as far as I know it hasn't been fatal. Being rejected sucks but it isn't the end of the world and in fact the more you try and fail the easier it gets to approach someone. What is your comfort level as far as talking to a stranger in a store or coffee shop? Lost

Kim, Looking back at all your threads I see a theme. Here are some titles that caught my eye. -I'm too sensitive -Preoccupation with body image -Introvert at work -I worry too much -Assertiveness Now of course you have many other threads but these had me thinking they tied into what you are talking about here. You have decided to not marry until you meet the right guy and it feels right. That is exactly how you should phrase it to your mother and family when asked. I am sure they don't want you to be miserable with some jerk the rest of your life right? You have made some very logical choices and in this phase of your life they feel right to you correct? My advice is to own them. By that I mean they are your choices (and very smart ones I might add) so own that stuff (can't use the word I wanted too but it starts with the same letter). If you are sure about your choices or pretty sure then proudly declare that to whoever asks. Many times people ask just to catch up or make conversation. Like when you are in school and everyone asks you "how is school going" or "how are you doing in school" If you weren't doing well or think you weren't taking the right course you might see those questions as an attack of sorts. Now if you were doing well then the questions would just be a question and not trigger the feelings of inadequacy because you can answer "Great, I got all A's and B's last semester" If you feel this is the correct course for your life right now then that is all the people that love you need to know. Sure your mom would love to be at your wedding and have grand kids but I am sure she wants you to be happy way more than that. Lost

Your thread from April had a lot of red flags but it looks like you went through with the wedding anyways. Here is your second paragraph from that thread: The issues are many: Culturally, we seem to not understand each other's life/expectations and have conflicting ideas about what marriage looks like. For example, she initially expected me to fully support them while she keeps what she makes for herself and her son. My Russian friend who lives here and immigrated 15 years ago set her straight on that idea. I think the biggest thing is her viewing us as separate vs a real family. She has reluctantly agreed to help with bills once she can work. It would seem your Russian friend didn't get through to her after all did he? Go back and read that thread and you will know what to do. Your gut was screaming at you to not marry her but you did. Time to realize you married her for all the wrong reasons. My two cents is she had an idea in her head how things were going to be from the start and she still feels that way. At the worst you are being used and she will divorce you as soon as it is legally safe for her to do so. At best you married someone that does not love you and is unwilling to be a partner in the marriage. Either way it is bad and should end. The teenager will be fine and you shouldn't feel obligated to stay married just for him. I don't recall you ever mentioning her age, I remember you are 52, how old is she? Lost

Take your time, there is no rush to decide anything but while you do stop trying so hard. Stop initiating conversations, stop trying to convince her what she is doing is hurting you and the marriage and stop lying to yourself. You know given the chance she would have and will still meet this guy and turn the emotional affair into a physical one as well. Slow it down, open you eyes wide open and just see who she really is now, not the woman you fell in love with because that woman is long gone. It helps to do some math as well. Start figuring out the financial situation if you were single and on your own. Knowing that you can handle it money wise is one less thing holding you back. Most of the time people stay out of fear, fear of the unknown, fear of not knowing what will become of them. Divorce is not lethal but it can be freeing. Lost

I have to unfortunately repeat this a lot on this forum. Cheaters lie and then they lie some more. This is who they are. Your wife is cheating on you and will continue to cheat on you. She has told you that she will not cut contact with this guy. Putting the choice back on you is classic cheater as they always blame shift. "If you MAKE me do this I will hate you" She should WANT to cut all contact with him to save the marriage. She has given you two choices: 1. Be a cuckold or 2. Insist she show you all the private messages, cut all contact with him forever and start marriage counseling which she will refuse so that leaves divorce. Just because there was no penetration doesn't mean she hasn't cheated. Emotional affairs are worse than purely physical. She has turned her heart to him, you are now nothing more than security and a pest. Time to stop making excuses for what she is doing and take a stand. Lost

Jimmy, Coffee may be cliche but it is the universal first meet/date and is well understood it is a real date so there is no misunderstanding. I am curious what your age and what her estimated age is? I am kind of at a loss as how you are going to convey more interest, seems to me she has put forth a fair amount of interest herself. Anyways keep us posted on how it goes and good luck Lost

List the issues over the last ten years and if they were resolved or if you just caved and let him have his way to keep peace and stay together. We will need more context to give good advice. On the surface from what little you wrote he seems to be trying to force you to stay instead of convince you it is worth it to stay. Lost

Does she treat all her customers the way she treats you? If not then that is one more reason to ask her out. Just because she works there and is supposed to be friendly doesn't mean she is undatable or off limits. The next time you are there and she is your waitress simply ask her if it is against the rules for her to date a customer. I am sure there is no rule but it gives her an in and an out. If she is interested she will probably say "no there is no rule why do you ask" then you say "I really enjoy talking with you so I thought we could get a drink and get to know each other better" Now if she is not interested then she can say "dating customers if frowned upon" You will never know her motives until you get to know her better. She may think you are a handsome good guy she would like to date or she may want to lure you to a motel and drug you and steal your kidney. Speculating on her motives is just that, speculation. Women get asked out and almost every time they are not cruel or mean when they say no thanks so be brave and go for it. Lost

Have you ever had a boss or bf or anyone in your life where they always expected you to come to them? It is a way of saying "I am more important than you are, thus you come to me" This is no different. It is also a way to keep the playing field in their favor. You coming to them is home field advantage, the place where they are most strong and invulnerable. Say some kind of drama unfolds and you get upset who has to leave and drive 2 hours you are them? It is all about winning even when there is no game called for that day. Each time they do these subtle things they are putting you down back into your place as they see it. If you are insecure how best to stay feeling good about yourself even in the company of Jibralta? You beat her down and gang up on her so you can feel good about yourself once again. I think they are threatened by you, you and all your goodness ruins their imagined self. We see it all the time in the news. A small person trying to look big by calling names, putting others down and getting their gang to join in to make it legitimate. Don't let them... See past the petty crap and see the origin of their actions. Remember the old saying: "It's mind over matter, I don't mind because you don't matter" When you are visiting and IF things get tense just cut the visit short. Just because they are comfortable being jerks to you doesn't mean you have to sit and take it. If they ask why you are leaving simply state "We came here for a nice visit, unfortunately it doesn't feel very nice to me so we are leaving" Let them call you a baby or to sensitive or what ever, just give them a hug and tell them you love them and walk out the door. No more words, just silence and let them sit there and convince each other they didn't do anything wrong. In the silence of the night they will not be able to stop thinking about it and they won't have their partner there to lie to them. Perhaps the next time they will try extra hard not to be selfish jerks when you visit. Family, what ya going to do??? Lost

Your mom and sister are insecure. They may not act like it or admit it but they are as well as you stated codependent like two drug addicts sticking together so everything they do no matter how horrible or dangerous is normal. There is no fixing this so don't even try and learn to accept this is who they are. They have shown you who they are for years so just take them at their word so to speak and adjust your interactions accordingly. This is the crux of your problem as I see it. You are operating under the assumption that they are reasonable and empathetic under it all when they are not. What you need to do is accept that they are both selfish and narcissistic people and then tailor you responses or actions accordingly. You are making an effort which they know you will continue to do so you are basically playing right into their hands. If you don't, you get guilt tripped and interrogated which is another way of punishing you for not going along with their way or the highway attitude. What to do in this instance? Of course telling them to go pound sand is one option but it sounds like you are not there yet. I like that you didn't cave and counter offered to come down and visit and then leave after the visit. I would go one further by making plans while you are there to go see a nearby attraction or museum or whatever and invite your sister and her family. If they go great but if they don't then that is great too but you took the high road and offered. This does a couple of things. It shows them you are in control not them and it also shows your sister that she is only part of the reason you made the 2 hr trip down. It takes her importance away in a sense. We were coming this way anyways kind of thing. You will never change them or be okay with the way they are but you can mitigate your exposure and make life easier for yourself. If they say or do something you do not appreciate then go silent on them, don't tell them what they did wrong or try to show them they are wrong just go silent. It isn't your job to teach them right from wrong so stop trying. Just because they are blood doesn't mean you have to play by their rules when visiting. Be flexible but not a doormat and offer alternatives when they suggest something you do not want to do. In the end not giving in will give you control back and it might even show moms that if she digs her heels in and won't bend a little she simply will not see you on that trip. Don't fear upsetting her, you are a grown up now too. Lost

The cold approach is not easy but it isn't lethal either. Say hi and be friendly and then pay close attention to her response. If it is a canned hi back then she isn't interested but if it is a talkative response there could be some interest. Being friendly in general will help you with your shyness. Most women are not cruel and will let you know politely they are not interested one way or another. Now if you become creepy or a pest that doesn't take the hint they will be less polite. This comes down to practice so get out there and talk to women, all women whether you are interested in them or not. To me women are a wonderful gift to this planet but they are not magical creatures, they are just people like you and me. Nothing to fear if you screw up because trying and failing is way better than not trying at all. Lost

It happens but you should take it as a compliment. She thought you were attractive and much younger than you are so that is a good thing right? She was honest with you so that is a good thing as well. Losy