rebeccaapple

"A prime example of women stigmatizing themselves is the fashion industry, so please please don't tell me that women dont stigmatize themselves, they do and this is only one aspect of it." What on earth does this vague statement even mean? How do women stigmatize themselves in the fashion industry, and what has this got to do with this specific argument? This thread is maddening! You're saying, basically, that if a women acts coy about how many people she has slept with then she is playing up to the stereotype that she is ‘easy’. Why would a woman feel the need to lie about the amount of people she’s slept with in the first place if there was not already an existing stigma? The existence of a sexual stigma which has been placed upon women, by patriarchal society, cannot be denied! You only have to go back to the nineteenth century to see that the virgin/ * * * * * dichotomy pervaded nearly ever aspect of society. And yes, perhaps certain women do play up to the stereotype – but I don’t understand how you can say that the blame lies with them. Surely you can see that the problem is bigger than that – and in certain ways, beyond their control?

In reponse to 'Anti Love Superstar' - I'm not sure they "feel fine about something awful". A lot of women who take part in porn are in desperate situations, and are taken advantage of by a predominantly male industry. But then, the feminist issue is my only objection to pornography. If it was me, I'd mention it to my boyfriend. Hiding your feelings never seems to work.

It does help! Very much so, thank you. A lot of the points seem so obvious but are actually quite hard to work out when you're going through it yourself. For example, I have only just started to realise that it's the quality of the time we do spend on the phone etc, and not the quantity of phone calls. The reason I posted this was because I was feeling really torn - things had been romantic and good, but I felt like we were forgetting the reasons *why* we split up, and I didn't know whether I should bring it up - if it would kill the mood etc. In the end I did bring it up and felt better for doing so. I definitely don't have a gut feeling that things are going badly. My gut feeling is just that this will only work if we both work on our independence. We both became fairly needy last term, (we're both at university, different cities), we depended on each other too much and stopped seeing other people socially - this was our main problem. He said he felt like he lost his social skills, and so did I. I felt like my life was totally unbalanced and almost spiralling out of control. We were both just studying all day, tired from travelling to see each other - we see each other less frequently now, but make sure it's *quality* time. Hopefully that will make a difference...

Thanks for your input, I'm really grateful that you took the time to write that. I definitely agree that sometimes its best to go with your gut feeling - in my last relationship I ignored the feeling and got very hurt. I'm sorry that you had to go through such a rough time, I can still remember what that feels like and it's horrible, so horrible. I know it's not much help, but after my previous relationship I was devestated and thought I would never meet someone as good, but in truth I met someone far, far better. It was really very difficult to 'find myself' but I took it a day at a time, and one day I stopped feeling so miserable, and then after some more time, I realised that I was really very happy. I know I know, that's back to the old cliche of 'time heals'! Sorry! The thing is that I know my boyfriend now is good for me. He's very loving, has never cheated on me. We split up for such a silly reason - he was miserable missing me at uni, and very depressed, he freaked out and finished it but I can tell by his actions that he sincerely regrets it. The thing is, because of my past relationship, I sometimes feel insecure at times when I really shouldn't. It's the distance mainly. In the summer when we live close to one another things are so different, we both totally relax and it's amazing. The distance causes me to be a bit cold, which in turn makes my boyfriend uneasy. Hmmmm!

Hey, I was wondering whether anyone could give me some advice. I'm back together with my boyfriend, and generally, everything is going quite well. However lately I feel as if I am being a bit cold towards him. I'm pretty sure I'm doing this because he dumped me.. and I'm scared of getting hurt again. I feel as if I'm trying to distance myself from him, but ideally what I want is to keep my independence but also be in a loving relationship with him. I also recognise that I'm doing it because I was too dependent on him before, and it made me unhappy. The thing is, these problems stem mostly from the fact that our relationship is long-distance - it puts a strain on everything. Does anyone have any tips for how to remain independent and strong, but without being cold or distant? I know it's quite a vague question, but I don't want to mess this up by being scared of what *might* happen!

P.S. Glenn Harrold is the name of the guy whose cds I used - in my opinion, he's very good!

I used a CD for self-esteem and moviation a few times - all I know is that now I have no problem with self-esteem, and am much more confident, so I guess it must have worked! I looked up 'motivational cds' on amazon and purchased one that had good reviews, I definitely think it had an effect on me. Both cds made me feel more positive and were very relaxing to listen to.

I really like being able to talk openly about sex with my boyfriend - I think it's important, but it did take a while before we were comfortable enough to talk as openly as we do now.

Awh, hun, he sounds a little confused - it doesn't mean that he doesn't like/love or care for you. Don't worry - my boyfriend did the same thing. The best thing to do is to give him some space. I bet as soon as you leave him alone for a while (no texting or anything!) he will realise that he misses you and things will be okay. Do things that make you happy in the meantime and try to take your mind off him. Good luck!

I didn't pressure him, but we did have an intense relationship that probably developed far too quickly. We both started prioritising each other and not putting as much time and effort into friendships and study. I can see quite clearly now all the mistakes that we both made. Also, thanks xmrth and Mavis VDSande.. you're both right. I need to chill!!! I calmed down as soon as I read that and realised how ridiculous I am being. After all, I am supposed to be a feminist and can't go on moping about wondering what he's doing everytime he isn't in contact! I felt better. And then I got an email from him, I won't post it all (it'd bore you, lol) but he said: "What you said in your email regarding our relationship makes perfect sense: I would like to have all of those things too. I feel happy and secure, but also excited about our relationship. It can be more relaxed and fun, so we can both have more balanced and less upsetting lives. And I know that I belong with you now. Argh, all of this seems stale and rubbish typed out but I think you understand...? I miss you...I feel all romantic again, like when we first got together." So the plan is to try and make this work. But also to get back to myself again. To realise that I can make myself happy and that a partner is an added bonus. Does that make sense? Thanks guys.

He was fed up with being miserable at university and missing me, (we're long-distance) so he wanted to end it so he would free his mind and be able to settle down where he lives and get on with his studies etc.

I am feeling horribly paranoid and panicky at the minute. I got back together with my boyfriend the other day. We talked and we had a great couple of days. He's now gone back to uni. He hasn't really contacted me much since. Part of me is thinking "he's changed his mind" but then I rang him last night and he seemed like he was having a hectic time etc. This feeling in my gut is horrible though, I keep thinking "I have to phone him RIGHT NOW" and check things are ok. It's so silly because if he would just text me or email or anything then I would be reassured - so maybe he has changed his mind? He seemed so dedicated to trying to make it work. This is his last chance, if he messes this up it is over forever. Ugh. I hope he doesn't.

I don't usually get panic attacks, but at the moment I am taking strong antibiotics (side effects are diziness and change of mood) and I have just got back with my boyfriend who I am in a long-distance relationship with. Anyway, earlier I felt SO panicky, like I wasn't in control of what I was doing. My heart was beating very fast and I tried to phone my boyfriend. He didn't pick up and I convinced myself that he wasn't speaking to me. Now I feel calmer-ish, after talking to him, but I have this weird sensation in my limbs (tingly). I wonder if it's the medicine. I really hope so, because I don't want it to interfere with my relationship. Does anyone have any advice on how to control this panicky feeling?

My boyfriend and I are both at university and live 3 hours away from one another. We've been doing long-distance for a year and 3 months. Recently he broke up with me, because he has been getting very depressed at uni. I think basically, he misses me very badly and often makes himself miserable over it instead of doing something productive with his time. The first year we saw each other every weekend, which was all right. This last term we saw each other every weekend and it was too much - friendships and uni work suffered and that was part of the reason we split up. We're back together now, and he's keen to make this work. However, he suffers terribly from the lack of physical contact and often panics a lot. I miss him too but I want to make it work and I seem to cope better than him. How can I help him feel loved and special without smothering him? I think I've been mothering him too much. He can be quite needy. He needs space to get on with his uni work and his own life, but I just desperately want to make him feel secure. I know to some extent he has to help himself. We're so good together, in the holidays everything is great. We have a real connection, but in term-time he gets so stressed. Does anyone have advice about how to help a partner who finds the distance tough?

Basically, he broke up with me for a silly reason, I begged him to rethink and then started NC. After 9 days he text me and then phoned me at 3am panicking and saying he'd made a really stupid decision. I agreed to meet him so we could talk. I tried to be angry, but talking didn't get very far because every time I even hinted that I was going to leave him, he broke down into tears. He made himself sick from worry and crying. I haven't made anything final, but I said we should take things slowly and have some space. He is ridiculous. He says that I am the one in control now. This feels weird as he dumped me and I was left feeling utterly helpless and out of control. I don't know what to do with him. We're both ridiculous. Bottom line is that we love each other and whilst we are both at university we need to handle this sensibly in order to not destroy it. We both need space to work on our individual lives and grow and learn separately. The nine days of no contact made me feel relieved, I feel as if we tried to possess each other too much and now I can let go and realise that we both need to have our own lives as well as some kind of life together. This is all so strange as I got it into my head that the break-up was final. Let's see how this goes..

yeah that is what i am going to do. talking might have worked before we split up, but now it's done i've realised that i don't want to be with someone who is that immature. he's a good guy though, and we were well suited. so maybe we'll be friends in months or years to come, who knows. right now i'm just going to focus on myself and my degree. phew.

after taking some time to step back from the situation, i agree with you. this whole no contact thing is great to help ourselves heal after a break-up, but i'm not going to do it to the extent where i'm playing games. i rang him in the end, i could have stopped myself but i just wanted to check how he was. it was probably a silly thing to do, but then considering the consequences of our break up (he was depressed, dumped me, left me feeling shocked.. but ok, whilst he feels miserable) i thought it would be ok. it was ok.. we chatted about christmas and he sounded a bit down but hopeful that we would speak again. fair enough, he probably did text because he was scared i was moving on and wanted to make himself feel better. i'm not really bothered either way, i have enough self-worth to realise that this is his loss and that i will get over this.. but aside from needing some space, he didn't really do anything wrong. he's never cheated, always taken good care of me, tried desperately hard to make things work long-distance. we're just young, that's all. we BOTH have some growing to do, and i don't blame either of us for what happened - it's a good chance to learn some lessons. anyway, rant over! thanks!

i know. too late though i text him now. darn. when i started no contact i wanted him to contact me now i wish he hadn't! lol

i just replied with a friendly message telling him i was in the middle of writing an essay and that i hoped him and his friend who is staying with him from berlin were having fun. i can't feel angry at him.. he's an idiot but he has good intentions. but now my whole "healing process" is totally shaken

My ex broke up with my,totally unexpectedly, two weeks ago. At first I moped around and called him and begged. Then I did NC for 9 days. Just got a text saying "___ i really miss you.. argh! don't know if this is silly.. but i keep on thinking of you" do i reply? i know i probably shouldn't? i don't think i want him back but i still care.. i still love him. god i was so fine now i'm totally confused! help??

Hey, I broke up with my long-term boyfriend a couple of weeks ago, and I would just like to say thank you to all you guys on here for sharing your thoughts and experiences. We had a mostly good relationship, at times great, we were very close and when he dumped me I was completely shocked. I guess it was down to two things: we got intense too quickly, and it was long-distance. Plus, he is a bit younger than me and though very mature, not quite mature enough for a long-term relationship. We met up once but he broke down in tears and we both realised that when in each other's presense we both aren't strong enough to deny the things we feel for each other. At first I chased him and begged him to explain and kept contacting him. I haven't contacted him for 5 days (it's actually longer but I bloody texted him instead of somebody else by accident and contacted him to explain, pswh!) and I don't plan on contacting him again. I thought we could be friends but after reading other people's posts (mostly superdaves, lol) I realised that I only wanted that so I could cling onto him some more. It's all just because I was too scared to face reality. Anyway, in these five days I've seen friends, been to hilarious parties and laughed more than I have for months! I've danced like a crazy person and just had so much fun. I know it will be hard but as far as I'm concerned this is all about *me* now. I have neglected myself for far too long and I will not do it anymore. I guess I see now that I looked up to him far too much - yes, he is good looking and intelligent, but argh, so am I. I'm only 21 darnit! I know that I will come through this and be a much stronger person than ever. So thank you, reading things on here has really helped me. I hope everyone has a merry Christmas!

Oh no, you've worried me! But thanks for the advice. Everyone is assuming that there is someone else and this is why he is doing this, but he has sworn to me and to everyone else that there isn't. I find it weird how if there was someone else, he can only have thought about them seriously in the space of three days, because the previous time I had seen him he was definitely still very "into" me. He's had a crush on someone before at uni, we fell out over it but because of that.. crushes stopped becoming a taboo subject and I would have thought that if that *was* the reason then he could have talked to me about it. Maybe I am being really naive, I don't know. Maybe something physical happened with him and someone else, but I don't want to torture myself with thoughts of things that may or may not be true. When we met up and talked about the split he mentioned the girl he had had a crush on, he said "it's funny when you really like someone and then you see them again and don't feel anything". I asked if he was talking about me, but he replied that he was speaking about the girl he had a crush on. If it is the case that someone else is involved, I'm shocked that it happened so suddenly (I mean, I get crushes on people but I wouldn't have ended the relationship because of it) and that he lied. He needed me a lot. He was quite clingy. I'm just surprised he is being so strong about this now. I'm not sure I want to find out any more information about this over the next few weeks! I'm trying to be positive and focus on myself, but if I find out he has been lying then I think it will crush me..

I have recently split up with my boyfriend of a year and three months. We were in a long-distance relationship whilst at university, and living close together in the holidays. We were so close. We've had a few ups and downs, but he has always made it very clear that he loves me, and I love him. He was always keen to discuss future plans, always visiting me, treated me very well, we were best friends, our sex life was really good.. everything seemed to be going well in our relationship. separately I think we both needed to do a bit of growing. We're both at university and sometimes felt like being in a relationship meant we couldn't get fully involved, but we both always said that our relationship came first. I visited him one weekend, we got on well. He was stressed with work, but things were the same as always. Then the next weekend, just before we were going home for christmas, he dumped me. When he did it he was emotionless and distant, crying occasionally when I did. I called him a lot straight afterwards, but the only explanation he could give is that he knows himself, and if he is in a relationship then he won't achieve the things he wants for the future - a first class degree, a lecturing job. He is very ambtious, and his life at uni isn't very balanced - he works too hard and gets depressed. We met up, talked awkwardly and said an emotional goodbye. I ended up going to his house for a cup of tea and he broke down crying, sobbing in my arms. I had to hold him tightly and rock him to stop him from sobbing. He was panicking and saying he doesn't know what's real anymore or what he is doing and that he loves me. He wanted me to stay over, but I left. I called him in the morning but again he was cold and distant and said it was best if we didn't speak. I have spoken to him a little since then, about practical things such as getting my bicycle back from his house. He is being super-rational about this, he never shows any emotion. I am being quite rational about it too, though I don't know how. I know we both need space to grow, and when I am in a relationship I tend to neglect everything else. But I really loved him, we.. were really in love. What happens now? Do I get over this? It seems so insane, the good times outweighed the bad by so much. Plus I miss him. I'm not going to contact him now.. but god, this is so hard and so confusing. Advice?