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blackdiamond

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  1. blackdiamond
    Thanks guys.....I have read carefully what you both have said, and he would have no idea that I anticipate, want or expect anything-my demeanor didn't change much after reading your posts, mostly because I think I'm guarding myself more protectively than I ever have. But I'm trying to change from being protective to, as advised, relaxed. It's hard. It's really, really hard. No, I don't anticipate or expect anything. But I do want to be with him. But it is progressing. He and I made dinner together tonight. He is also going on a business trip in a few weeks, and stated that he would bring me with if he could (he knew it was a place that I love). That blew me away that he said that. He's making it difficult to just shrug this off. But I'm looking at it this way......my daughter has never been camping, and who better to have a first camping experience then her parents who love it. She'll have a great time. (getting drunk and sleeping with him) LOL Nah, neither will happen and both would be a mistake. At least for right now.
  2. blackdiamond
    Need some input/insight, please. My ex and I have been getting along great. I happen to notice on a thread for a competition on a sport that my ex is into (we both frequent the site) and offered to watch our child while he competes. (he has her during that time) He not only says that would be great, but wants the three of us to camp there together that weekend of the competition. I'm totally for this and playing it cool, but does this mean anything at all? I want to read more into this than maybe is warranted. Am I blowing this out of proportion? God, this is driving me nuts. This is three years of no romantic relationship. And my impression is that some men don't 'look back'. Help me on this one, please...I don't want to screw this up! Would anyone do this with an ex
  3. blackdiamond
    Thank you both for your replies.....I really appreciate the advice. blender-solid advice.......I think you're right-I need to just see where this goes and be grateful that we have the kind of relationship that we do. Our daughter is our priority, and that is why I don't want to do anything to disrupt the status quo. If we both are open to giving it another try, I know that this will be a long drawn out process as we are good at hiding our feelings (and, unfortunately, experts at aloofness!). This would be a helluva lot easier If I knew what was going on in his mind!
  4. blackdiamond
    Because I'm afraid that if I tell him, and he's afraid to get back together with me it will ruin the good relationship we have now. We are very supportive of each other and coparent in a great way. It's a quandry for me--I will always love him, have to see him, and don't want him to feel uncomfortable around me if I'm way off mark. I guess that's why I'm looking for input on his recent behavior....to see what direction to take this.
  5. blackdiamond
    My ex and I have a child together and we've been apart for 2 1/2 years. We had a horrible, emotionally charged break up and couldn't even speak to each other for a year. But I know we had an attraction and love that we haven't had with anyone else. Lately, he's been spending more time w/me when he drops our daughter off @ my house. We spent thanksgiving together, he's bought me out to lunch (with daughter), brought me food that he's cooked up and spending a few hours just chatting about work, school, etc. And just yesterday he was lamenting about how his dating life sucks.........not in a sad way, but kind of how it's been comical. He hasn't had a serious relationship since our breakup. I recently got out of a semi-serious relationship of which he told me he was happy/relieved I was done with this guy, as he noticed that I was depressed which was making him depressed. So he does care about me--I know that. Q#1-I'm a bit perplexed by him wanting to hang out together. I guess I'm not sure if it's because he's bored and wants someone to talk with (although I'd classify him as the silent type), or if he's feeling out the situation. I mean for all of you out there who have children w/exes...what are your boundries? Is this normal? Q#2-OK....I probably am not over him, but will not tell him. I broke his heart (no, I didn't cheat) and by my own admission, made his life hell after our daughter was born. But he knows I've changed....a lot! I want him to open up to me, and I enjoy our time together............however, just hearing him talk about other women makes me ill. He did the same thing before we started to date...to make me jealous. Then I handled it fine......now there are just too many feelings invoved. I'm not sure how to be a good friend, yet keep my feelings in check. Thanks for any input- BD
  6. blackdiamond
    Hey sweetie... I'm going to pretend for a second that you do go back to him (and I hope you don't) and this is what will probably happen; You go back, but you tell him that you're seriously thinking of ending the relationship, that it's getting to be too much. He'll apologize, agree with you, and promise to try harder. He will.........briefly. Then he'll go back to his old ways. Eventually, you'll REALLY blow up at him, do NC for a while because you're soo mad, and this will scare the crap outta him. After a few weeks, he'll call and you'll answer. He'll sincerely apologize, say he needs to work on this and that, maybe say he needs to 'cut down' on drinking, but profess his undying love for you. And you'll want to believe him and want to support him. And you'll want to help him, so you get back together, but probably a bit guarded on your part. And he will try for awhile, maybe even a month. And you'll see that he's trying! But just when you get sucked back in, the **** will hit the fan. Again. Moral-I don't think he's going to change. I've seen this whole scenario, and it's just a never ending cycle. And you aren't giving him any real reason to change, in fact, just by going back to him you are giving him permission. Please dump him for good and let this guy hit rock bottom....don't let him drag you down with him. Best of luck to you....I really empathize with your situation.
  7. blackdiamond
    SB-quoting the wrong post, but think you'll know what I mean.... I've been thinking a lot about what you said (he's her emotional support), and your statement has been reverberating a lot in my head. And I can't get it out of my head because your assertion has so much truth linked to it... But, although in theory I agree, I've noticed a few things that have really bothered me in how he deals with issues. One is that he tells her that he thinks she shouldn't go to counseling. He tells her that there is nothing 'wrong' with her. And he's right..I don't thing that there is anything 'wrong', but I would want to see that he addresses this relationship with her mother in a more conducive manner. Such as, maybe saying to her, "Your mom just wants to have a better relationship with you and is asking someone to help facilitate that (of course in kidspeak). I believe that by him cutting it down before it happens is not helping his daughter through this transition. Her mom clearly wants to have better insight into what her daughter is going through, and I do think her dad should help her. In all honesty, it (good relations with mother) really is helping him in the long run. Her behavior is affecting his other relationships. One is his other daughter. His youngest got into trouble and C said to my quietly, "I'm kind of glad dad is making her stay in her room, because I have all these bruises on my legs because she kicks me". She is more docile and doesn't want to retaliate. Per your and Allisgrands posts, I wrote an email last night saying that I was done with this (not his daughter, but unability to address opinions or grievences). He called and was upset that I had issues with his daughter (based on my phone call last night). But my child means a lot to me also. If I ignore someone hurting my childs feelings, what kind of mother does that make me? My opinion is that all problems need to be out in the open, and I need to be with someone who understands that kids are kids and more than likely their actions are a manifestation of whatever circumstances that effect them. It's not personal, but does need to be addressed. Just my brainstorming here.
  8. blackdiamond
    That is an excellent point. I can't even expound....great point. I feel stupid and guilty to not have thought of that. I know I've tried, and although I stand by my opinion on him going (to the session), this made some (theoretical) sense out of something I thought was nonsensical. (Breaking up)-tried your suggestion. We were partners (in climbing) and hoped to salvage that. We'd even gone to couples counselling...and she said to stop using the 'abandonment card' w/me......that was in Feb. He only remembers what she said to me. Really, it's my fault for not following through.
  9. blackdiamond
    Thank you, but god I wished my level-headed thinking manifested into something good! In practice (united front), it can be difficult. I know his wife somewhat........she is a great person..very calm, logical, sweet, and has been very supportive of me, so I know for her to get to this point she is at the tip of frustration. He knows her better than I, so I would think this would impact his decision to go to this session a bit. I'm not getting the reluctance.
  10. blackdiamond
    I have to laugh, because all I can say is..... You. are. so. right. Not funny,but say funny.......a few weeks ago he broke up and said he never wanted to see or hear from me again. I went on a date and he found out. I said, "well, you said you never wanted to see or hear from me again!" He said, "Well, geez, I've said that before!" Unfortunately, it's almost like your kids saying..."you're so mean!"--you know they don't mean it. Except at that moment. God, pathetic.
  11. blackdiamond
    Thank You......I could just assume that this is different parenting styles, but I think it accounts for a lot in other relationships as well. Besides, a childs life doesn't only encompass their week with one parent, but how their weeks are with both. Both relationships are important and both shape who they are and will be. I went through a nasty divorce and know how confusing it can be for a child to be able to play one against another. This point I stand firm. I was asked an opinion from him, and answered it honestly. I've been through it and can see where it hurts a kid down the road. And his inability to not follow up on this is disconserting. From her POV....her mom makes her go to counselling, her dad tells her she doesn't need to,----to me, at least, his unwillingness to not go as a stance of indignation is piling
  12. blackdiamond
    No, I think you're dead on correct in you assertion that she has issues with me...I expect that, I said once that it would probably be hard for her to be too nice to me because she would feel she's somehow disrespecting her mother. But, he knows she's been mean and has jumped on her when he even thinks that she's doing something that might be rude. For example, we went to a pumpkin patch thing and my youngest and she got face paintings, which I paid for. He said, "S did you thank BD?' She said sarcastically, "Thanks BD". Now I never let her know I paid.......it was like $2..no big deal. I have learned to not say anything to him about how she treats me......I'm an adult and can handle it. But with my own it's something different. I refuse to let my kids see someone be disrespectful to me or allow bad behavior towards them. That's why I had to say something. And I wasn't accusatory, just stated that it upset me. And again, his break up means nothing. Power play on his part. I've become used to it.
  13. blackdiamond
    So many levels..you are very, very right. I think a parent should always choose a child over a girlfriend/boyfriend in an situation of acrimony.........especially at this age. If it was just me, I'd think it was just me. But, from what he tells me, it's gotten physical with the mother and sister (which she personally has told me). At first blew it off, because yeesh who hasn't gotten physical with a sibling! But you know whats weird? Last night he thanked me. He said, "I know you have a special place in your heart for C (oldest), but no one would ever know that physically" (meaning I don't outwardly play favorites.) He said, "you are just as affectionate with S". But kids are so smart and I know that she may have picked up on the closeness his oldest and I have. But, I do love them both. I don't hold a child going through a hard time against them. She's just a kid. But that doesn't mean I have to like her behaviour. Hell, I'd feel the same about my own. But I strongly believe about parents presenting a united front. And I have to admit that I truly don't like that he's not doing that with his ex. (added note-forget that he broke up.........he says that for effect) Insight is great...thank you.
  14. blackdiamond
    Thank you for amending, due to my (i know) confusing situation..your post put me in tears as I felt misunderstood. I never told him what to do with his youngest.......he asked me if he should go to the session (his ex and the counselor asked him to be present) and I said he should go for, if nothing else, as a united front with her mother. I thought that him refusing or telling his child that he wasn't going because he thought it was ridiculous was supportive and maybe instigating a whole bunch of issues regarding mother/daughter. I do respect someone putting their kids first, but I'm thinking his refusal to go to this session is because he thinks it's a person attack on his parenting. My reasoning is that my kids and their father do our best to represent a united front........you don't want one playing off the other or using one against the other. I don't think it's my place to ask him to do anything with his child, but when she's mistreating mine, I do think it's time for me to speak up. I know, as a parent, that we are at times ultra-sensitive to critisicm towards one of our kids. I do take that into account, but I was supposed to go over there tonight and felt I should speak up about it just because it was bothering me. His oldest is upset by how she treats her, her mother is clearly bothered by how she treats her. Now her dad has been a stay-at-home dad for 12 years, but the fact that he isn't supportive of her mother is bothering me. I guess it's projection on my part. BTW-I have my kids all week (except Fri/Sat) he has his kids every other week. To answer your questions; I've always taken him back. He's my friend, and I know he blows up and says things he doesn't mean. However, no....I would not seek him out. I think how he reacts to conflicts is unreasonable. Bit more info is in the thread........"shoot me in the head if I break NC" OK..... But, thanks you guys, for responding. I really need the feed back whether I like what is being said or not.](*,) I really appreciate it.
  15. blackdiamond
    No, I don't think you're trying to be mean, but I'm not detailing the relationship well and somewhat understand where you're coming from. Unfortunately. His break ups are also his way of dealing with issues. He doesn't mean it and comes back later with regretful apologies. Always. Please understand that he has been my best friend for a long time before we started dating, and like his daughter, I've been trying to take into account that they've both had a stressfull two years. Like others in this forum, I'm just trying to figure out the dynamics and why things are happening the way they are. And either in this relationship or future ones, I'm just trying to learn and add to it that there are many variables. BTW-I have four kids so not really a novice in that regard. Please don't condemn me for asking. I think a lot of people ask for help that, from an objective point, may be obvious. I just think I need a little prodding here.
  16. blackdiamond
    Kids are 7 and 11...both are girls. The oldest I am very close to, and she is just the sweetest, lovable, kindest hearted child. The 7 year old does have swings were she is just as sweet, but on the flip side and more consistantly, is rude. I feel for her that her parents went through a divorce this past year and has a lot of adjusting. I can understand that, and I know it's been hard on her. BUT, her behavior has warrented a counseling session instigated by her mother. She is being cruel to her (mother) and sister, and my BF has been asked to go to this counseling session--and he refuses, stating that she is doing well in school and does well with him, so he disagrees saying that his youngest will think there is something wrong with her. I at first told him (when asked) that he should stand by his ex (AND mother of his child) and go, because saying there is nothing wrong is negating the issue between his ex and his daughter. He agreed at first, but when she got good remarks from her teachers he is now refusing to go. Went over to his house last night with my two year old. She had the same flip flop attitude. At first nice, but got increasingly mean. My breaking point was when my two year old leaned her head against her and his daughter yelled to me, "Get her OFF of me!". And to tell you the truth, this isn't really unusual, but I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I called my BF and told him something that this was bothering me. His response was to say I was taking things too personal and ended the relationship. I can't help thinking this....how can he know that her behavior is affecting so many people, but because she isn't doing this directly to him or at school, he thinks there is no problem? I also think........if he can't back up the mother of his child, how can I ever expect him to back me up? Please....need advice or input from someone who knows what the hell is going on! Thanks.
  17. blackdiamond
    What a colossal * * * * * * *. He did something (via third party) to deliberately hurt me and my dad. I would never have dreamed of doing something so blatantly hurtful to him. I never thought him as evil...........I give him a hand for disproving me once again. I never thought he would stoop so low.
  18. blackdiamond
    I agree. Besides, do you really think you belong with someone who is over you in a week? (side note-frigginexes...love that name!)
  19. blackdiamond
    Wow..I know what you are going through! I started a thread called "shoot me in the head if I break NC" posted in this section. I do believe these dyfunctional, unhealthy relationships can be just as hard to let go as a normal one. You two are each others addiction. That's all the advice I've got for the moment.........I'm in desperate need of coffee! Can you provide more details..like why you two break up? Venting helps a lot!! Take care and keep posting.
  20. blackdiamond
    The irony here is that he treated me better than he treated his kids. He didn't have any friends and doesn't speak to his family, so for a long time a stood by him thinking he needed me. But I will no longer be his punching bag! But the night I left his house I knew that I was being sucked into this vortex of depression and negativity. I need to take care of myself. The night after I started this thread I had a horrible dream involving the death my son and my brother. My son came to me (in my dream)consoling me on how badly I was hurting over his death, but that he was OK. My ex was even in my dream supporting me through this (unlike him IRL). I woke up sobbing.........my eyes were swollen so I know I was crying in my sleep. Strangely and for whatever reason-something clicked in me since then. Instead of being angry with him and 'how he did me wrong'-my thoughts have turned to being resolute on this break up. After 2 years of justifing someones behavior towards me, I realize that I was treating myself just as badly by allowing it to happen. That had to stop. So I don't know if it was me venting, or the advice I received (especially those last few sentences in your post N2BM-thank you), or the release of emotions, but for the past few days I have not felt the need or expectation for contact. And that's how I feel today.
  21. blackdiamond
    I'm sorry you are going through this. What a lowlife scuma##! My only advice is this......don't give in to any blackmail. Give in once and be prepared to give in again and again. He's probably going to do whatever he wants anyway, so I think you have to bite the bullet on this one. If you go see him to get your stuff, what do you foresee happening? Do you think he'll give you your pictures back?
  22. blackdiamond
    LOL Yeah, I was feeling a bit dramatic at the time.
  23. blackdiamond
    Thank you. But I do 'beat myself up'. After so many times of seeing what he was capable of while angry and the little things that would set him off, I let it go for far too long. I don't know what I was expecting as far as change in, what I see now, an ingrained part of his personality. You know the 'how a person treats a server is how he'll treat you' theory? I think that is spot on-and I would be mouthing "I'm sorry" when he went off on someone. I'm a former server and I couldn't stand people like that! I should have known better from the very beginning. But you're right-there's no erasing that, so I gotta just let it go. (date)-I had lunch with him again and I knew from our first date that I recently got out of a relationship (no details, though). I told him the truth...this past relationship has completely drained me-my energy is too spent to start anything new right now. He seemed fine with that. Again, thanks for the luck and advice - BD
  24. blackdiamond
    Tip of the iceberg, my friend. 2 years of back and forth. I went on a date last week and you'd think it would have made me feel better--but it just made me realize how different/interesting my ex is. However, credit to my date-he seems like a really good, funny guy, but we had nothing in common. I just don't understand, and against my better judgement, why I'm having these longings to talk with him... I swear to god, it is like giving up cigarettes. Or any bad habit you've done for some length of time. 'Justify' the habit, 'give up' the habit because you know it's unhealthy, but-at times-craving for just one more of the habit. And I've never been great at giving up cigarettes. And hoping this two week mark is the crux of my climb.
  25. blackdiamond
    Part 2--NC He called and left a voicemail stating not wanting to see me or talk to me ever again. But the clincher was that he said that his kids were crying. AND this was no more than five minutes after I left....and they were upstairs. ??? * * *? But I remember a time that he left-mad-in front of my kids and they were upset thinking it was because of them, so I wrote him an email..... "Please tell them that it had absolutely nothing to do with them. I do care and didn't want them to hear an argument and that is why I left. Tell them that they are wonderful kids and I will always care about them." No response. As I expected. He probably didn't even tell them what I wrote. The next day he sent me photos that he had taken of me and him/me and his and my kids. No idea why. I didn't respond. However, the next day I dropped off his clothes from my house at his front step. That is it. And I was relieved, happy to not be yelled at, happy to take control. I mean, really, f#ck you!! I thought. But two weeks later, for some masochistic reason......I miss him. And here I thought that your emotional reaction following a breakup was indicative of what was best. On some of these posts I read (regarding NC) how everything is fine and BAM! are hit with NC & breakup. If I feel this way after a chaotic, f-ed up relationship-then I have no idea how you guys have the strength to not give those jerks an inch. Hats off to all of you-and thanks for letting me vent.
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