CoolBambi

To all those who have Exs that were emotionally or physically abusive or left you for another party... If you went back to your Ex... Can you imagine how annoyed with them you would be. The doubt that would be permanently in your mind. "They can't have really loved me before, they left me...so why now, is it because nobody better came along...this time?" The insecurity you would feel "it's only a matter of time before they cheat/walk out/emotionally abuse/hurt me again and I will be devastated again". How your self esteem would plummet if you accepted them back, feeling "greatful that they decided to give you another try". Many of us would feel so much better if the Ex did come grovelling back...in our minds we imagine we would smile sweetly and tell them where the hell to go. The pain we feel is deep and utter rejection..."Why wasn't my best, good enough for them". And in truth - the likelyhood is nothing will be good enough for them. Because they have a hole in their heart that onlythey themselves can fill, and until they do - they will spend a lifetime wandering aimlessly, hurting others or being hurt themselves. These people are damaged goods...and it's time to stop letting them spread their damage to you. You can't help them BUT you can help yourself. No Contact - Focus on Number 1 - Do things that make YOU feel good - Look after your physical self (sleep, eat well, lots of water & Exercise) - Look after your emotional self (be with friends - laugh - watch funny movies - play sports - be with family - spend weekends way - get out and about - do new things - STOP beating yourself up. You're not the LOSER here. And of course look after your spirtual self. Things happen for a reason - Somebody new, somebody better, somebody who will light up your already fantastic life, will be on the horizon and you wont be able to fall in love until you accept the fact - you won't/can't and ain't taking that loser (him or her) back... ever again! Acceptance is the key to freedom.

I wouldn't promised myself not to date until June 2007 - you know in your heart when it feels right to venture out into the wonderful world of Datingdom again.

Good for you...I bet that feels so good. Let's hope you have taught her a lesson.

No, I am not scared about never finding somebody else...people find love in their 70's & 80's. I don't feel past it at 34. I just keep recalling how miserable I was on a day to day basis with this guy and being alone for now is the right thing to do. When somebody new comes along that rocks my boat great...but I am not actively seeking that at the moment. I feel quite sickly and empty when I think about being with other people. I couldn't ever go back with him because of the things he has said and done. I will have to learn from this and next time pick my b/f better. Bams x x

1. How do you get over your ex? In terms that you would not cry or sad thinking of them. You have to focus on making yourself and your life the very best it can be. Get fit, get gorgeous, get back out there. Fill your time with stuff to do...its doesnt matter what...but things that will start to occupy your mind. Talk to friends, family and loved ones. Start new classes, hobbys, go to new places. Build your confidence back up...do stuff you wouldnt normally do. Go to the movies on your own. Eat at a new cafe/restraunt. Have a new hair cut and buy some new style clothes for an image revamp. Most of all remember why you split up with that person. if they can hurt you this much by dumping you...why would you want to be with them anyway? And if they were emotionally/physically abusive during the relationship...good riddance to bad rubbish. 2. How long its takes for you to get over them? I think it depends on the length of time you were together and how intense your feelings were for the other person. I tend to feel things deeply when having emotional days and bounce back really when when having logical days. In previous break ups it has taken me 2 months in general to be able to move on...I am having a logical day today lol. 3. Does after breakup affect/change your perspectives/life goals? Yup - I feel low for a few weeks and then I decide to kick * * * * * and sort myself out and aim for higher and better in all parts of my life. 4. Are you scared of entering into another the relationship again? No - you can't feel the highs without sometimes feeling the lows. To have those really magical, in love moments...you have to have felt deep heart break too, to appreciate them. Most days I look forward to meeting the next guy to rock my world. 5. Do you eventually find someone who is right for you? Yes - I don't believe in soul mates as I have been deeply in love three times. So its not like a 1 in a zillion chance youre going to meet Mr/Mrs Right. There are loads of perfect matches out there...its just finding them. 6. Do you have plan to live alone if you does not found the person you want to spend the rest of you life with? I don't plan to live alone...but if that's what happens so be it. Lifes too wonderful, varied and exciting to sit worrying about being alone for ever. In the depths of heart break that is how it feels - no one will ever fill that space in your heart again. But they will...and the next time you will choose better...because by then you will know better. 7. When you are still single at forties, would you consider adoption? Unlikey - I already have a son from a previous relationship. I would be happy just to have him...but I am open to have more children should I meet a partner worthy of me.

Thanks for your responses guys. Its nice to know I aint the only person feeling a tad jaded and fed up. I have had a really odd day - I have been a bit weepy this morning, thinking to myself "no guy will love me like he did again" which should really say "No guy will ever treated me badly the way he treated me badly again" because he didn't love me..he treated me like sh1t. Isn't it odd though in moment of sadness how the brain can turn it all around on you and you remember the few good moments rather than the endless list of bad ones. As i said today was odd - and I feel really good and strong this evening. I couldn't care less about him...I can't wait until I feel like this 24/7...maybe today is the day it starts. Hope youre all feeling grand Bams x x

Very often the anger we project onto our Exs is the anger we feel for ourselves... "Why did I let them do this to me...Why did I let them treat me so badly...Why I am such a bloody idiot that I couldnt see it coming...Why did I fall for this horrendous person...Why am I so weak I can't get over this etc" These are perfectly natural feelings - as is feeling hate towards your ex. Being angry gives you a feeling of strength and power where as being miserable or unhappy makes you feel weak. Finding strength and power adds to the healing process but they should be found in postive and constructive ways...when you concentrate on putting everything in your life that is good, fun, enjoyable and positive and getting rid of all the negative, draining, soul destroying stuff...she will become nothing but a distant memory that has little effect on your life.

I don't think being single is joyless and boring. I think it is liberating, unpredictable, fun and self empowering. Being part of a couple is fantastic - but if youre with the wrong person (particularly one that treats you so poorly) - you need to be on your own until the right person comes along. The simple fact is - If they have dumped you, they don't care about you like they should - and in many cases care about nothing but themselves. I say "Good Riddance to bad rubbish". You are worth much more than that. Bam x

Can you write a book/journal of thoughts and feelings when the urge comes to contact your ex? Make each entry like it was the actual text/email/phone call that you would liked to have said/done. You can get your feelings out without breaking no contact. At a later date you can read over your book and you will be very relieved that you didnt tell them these feelings. And you will look back and feel strength and empowerment - as you will realise how far you have come. In time you will heal, and you will find somebody better...more gorgeous and more perfect for you. Just keep your chin up and keep marching on...the days will get better and before you know it you will feel whole again. Bams x.x

Can you just send him a short email along the lines of Thanks for your help earlier, much appreciated. all the best (your name). Keep it short, sweet and to the point. If your polite and dignified the more empowerment you will feel. Good luck x x

Some "Dumpers" try and be as cold as possible when they are splitting up with you thinking it will be easier for you in the long run as you will hate them - rather than long for them. After such a long time together it was a very sh1tty thing of her to do. I have found through life experiences that when a "Dumper" has found somebody else they rarely make contact - as they have someone else to occupy their lonely nights. However - these relationships rarely last as the Dumper is running away from unaddressed issues. One day she may well come grovelling back - i hope you tell her where to go. You deserve somebody who will put the love, effort, loyalty and kindness into the relationship that you do. And one day you will find true love again - you will meet the kind of woman that makes you so excited you cant eat, makes you beam with pride and long to walk her down the aisle. Keep your chin up...and look after number one. Bams x

Well Tara...what a lucky escape you have had. What a vile, controlling pig he sounds. He should be honoured that a wonderful, young, sensitive, attractive, friendly, loyal girl wants him. Instead...it isn't enough. Jennifer Lopez wouldn't be enough for this type of man. He has issues that only deep, prolonged therapy could sort out. Every time you cry, get upset or reassure him he gets validation - he feels like a big man and you are rewarding his poor behaviour - from what you have said he is anything but a man. I would send him an email saying "Hi there......, I am so glad you decided to call it a day. I have met a wonderful man who appreciates my youth, vitality and lust for life. I can't believe how lucky I am. Thanks again for making the best decision for both of us. I hope you find happiness in the near future. Yours Tara Let him do the sweating and be the product of your manipulation rather than the other way around. But whatever you do honey - think long and hard if he asks you back. He gets off on upsetting you and making you feel pain. All the best Bam xx

If you two do get back together - how can you trust him ever again? Are you going to insist he gets rid of his p.c? Will you tell him not to leave the house again without you? Will you remove his cell phone and ban him from ever using another one? This guy is a 1st grade pig. To kiss somebody that he KNOWS causes you discomfort, shows how much he loves and respects your feelings. Love isn't a one way street - you love him and he loves the fact he can be unfaithful and you let him get away with it. You have asked for the seperation - he doesn't know how torn up you are - he has to sit there and think "what have I lost?". You're in the position of power - keep it that way. Focus on making yourself feel good - do things you like to do - and enjoy life again as a single gal...it's not that bad think of Sex & the City lol. At the very least - give yourself some space...say 3 months. If you still feel the same way about him...you could think about getting back together. However I think this is time enough for you to see him in his true light rather than those rose coloured glasses we see people through when we are blindly in love. Good luck honey x x x

Hiya Guys & Gals.... My Ex finished with me 3 weeks ago after a some what messed up 5 year relationships...we had split up a few times, usually by him and a couple of weeks later he would be around, apologising, begging for forgiveness. He was a very poor b/friend - incredibly selfish, neglectful of anybody elses feelings but his own, he resented my son, he was very critical and had a generally negative persona....lol now I see it in font I must have been mad to date this guy for so long. If only I could choose who I fell in love with! Anyway thing is - I know he isn't worth the pain/tears/anguish - and I know I could never be happy with him. But I am driven to keep contacting him...and everytime I do...I am in pain again. Why do I do it??? NO IDEA! What can I do to stop myself from contacting him? I don't even think about it - I just do it on impulse. Also - even though he dumped me he keeps in contact - texting with pointless messages, emails, following me into internet chat rooms, sending me emails of how he wants to go back out with me but can't, I am the love of his life etc - and then if i respond to any of this he treats me with contempt. If I ignore him for a few days he is back texting & emailing craving for attention. I can't be free of him - until I have N.C but its soooooo hard to do.