Hi. I really don't know how to say this, but I'm shaking (and having trouble typing!) and could definitely use some support/advice.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2+ years. I didn't now that he was an alcoholic until we were a few months into the relationship--he hid it from me well, but it got worse about a half a year into the relationship, and it's still just as bad--if not worse.
I wrote a few-hundred-word rant right here, but I deleted it (it's been a while, and I just talked to someone), so I'm going to make it short: I feel upset 50% of the time, almost, because of my boyfriend. He treats me horribly sometimes, but usually only over the phone, and usually only at night. It seems like he tries to only drink when he's at home (away from me) at night, but then he'll take his anger out on me over the phone. It upsets me very much (no one else in my life has treated me as badly as he has at times) and I didn't think that I could take it, but I still thought that I loved him and because he'd usually be nice the next day, I somehow "ignored", persay, it for 2+ years. Maybe I became numb to it, I don't know. Sometimes I think our relationship ended the first time he did it, because it upset me and I became depressed and no longer willing to do little things that would remind me of our relationship (I took down pictures of us together that day years ago).
He upset me this week and I told him that I was depressed and that he upset me and he didn't seem to care. I brought it up three times on different days (one day I skipped it because I didnt want to start an argument...I always do this...let something he did hurt me because I dont want to bring it up and start another argument or cause more trouble or upset him at all), I usually just let it hurt me. Well today I was still upset and thinking "maybe I should try to talk to him" since I was feeling very sad, but then I talked myself into not saying anything. I said to myself "he's being nice right now, maybe I should just pretend he never hung up on me or treated me badly the other day...I'll forgive him by not saying anything about it...I'll put it past me" so I did, I put it past me. But tonight he started acting like a *** again. Yelling at me over the phone for no reason at all, ahgning up on me, starting arguments over nothing and treating me in a way that even with my low self esteem I still know I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED. I let people walk over me but I know when to draw the line, so I told him "I'm feel very ill, I need to go" because I've never hung up on him but couldnt talk any longer because he was upsetting me too much and my heart was racing. he refused to hang up so i kept telling him i didnt feel well and that i needed to hang up. finally we hung up, he called back and i felt bad not answering so i did, thinking he might be calling to appologize (why do i think that lately? all he ever calls for is to make me feel worse), but he just made me feel much worse and now here i am. he tried to call at least five more times since then and i didnt answer because i cant take it anymore if hes calling to treat me like that again. i just dont even want to talk to him ever again now, and i dont know what to do. i dont know how to end it. please help me........i really dont know what do .
i tried to break up with him before and he told me he'd never ever do it again (upset me over the phone or drink and treat me like crap) but he did do it again. when i tried to break up with him he cried in my arms and said he didnt know what hed do without me, but he makes me feel so horrible and i cant be with him. i dont know how to end it. i really dont. its like he wont let me. i feel so horrible right now....