itsallgrand

With grocery prices at insane levels, I'm very curious to see how big a chunk of change I can not spend by supplementing with my garden this year and fruit trees. Last year I sold off some apples to a cider company as it was too much to even give away. I hope my garden does well .

I got it! Just the next level so I can get more hours flying the wee plane. Not even close to a full license ..just something I have wanted to do and prove I can.

Huge hugs.

I'll be thinking of you guys 💓

Yeah, maybe you can work out some way so he can get some time to himself regularly, even if you do have to wait on that until next month when you will be moving out of your mom's? I know I get grumpy when I don't get my time to myself. A lot of us need that bit to just not have to think of anything except ourselves and decompressing completely. The thing he said to you sort of screams that he is getting burnt out without that. And that's when people start to just zone out even when they wouldn't normally . My SO and I both worked at home during lockdowns. We became acutely aware of how crucial time just for ourselves is for our together time !! I'd try that first before worrying more about it. Try to cut him some slack in the meantime.

Does he get any time to himself (work doesn't count) without anyone around?

Him still living with his parents says to me he prioritizes not having to pay full price of his lifestyle. Personally I'd want to see that someone can handle living on their own first before ever considering buying a home with them. You are on one track with very clear goals but you can't force someone to be ready for that when you are. He's not there at all. Maybe find a nice guy with your level of ambition and goal setting.

Stay safe everyone

Big time me too! It's been a learning curve for me being able to step back and go" ok, first calm down, then worry about trying to solve complex problems". Sometimes chilling is exactly the productive thing I need to do first, yknow?

I'm glad your mom has been doing better and you can have a relationship. That's great. The quitting drinking is great. Makes a huge difference in being able to have a relationship . As long as you feel right with yourself on this, well there's not much for me to add. I thought maybe you were feeling uneasy about it but I guess I misunderstood.

May I ask is your mom still living? What sort of relationship do you have with her now? Did she ever show remorse or apologize to you for putting you in that situation and failing to protect you? Does she support you now? Did she heal ? I don't think it's the best choice to spit on a grave but ultimately the only person it can really hurt is you. How can it hurt you? Well honestly I'm thinking of many years ago, I burnt a picture symbolically of an ex. It just felt icky after. Like, I don't want to be this person who wishes to erase another human being even symbolically! And somewhat the same here. Do you want to be a person who spits on Graves? It's done, so nothing you can do now except you get to decide what defines you going forward. Your actions are yours, just like your mom and dad's were theirs.

Honestly to me it wouldn't really matter if a friend had already eloped and bought a house and wanted to throw a big wedding and have that experience. It's not like she's doubling down on asking for attendance and gifts of cash for getting married. She's never had that. And after having spent literally tens of thousands on others to celebrate other people's weddings and baby showers and everything else, and never "collecting" for any big life event like that.. eh I kinda get it. She can have her turn too, why not ? I don't give 2 figs if you are young and have nothing or are established and want whatever version of wedding or celebration, I'll give everyone a turn in the sun. Comes down to if you think this is an actual friend you want in your life who would show up for you? I learned along the way to not bother with those friendship/family isn't a two way street. If you don't think she is that to you, don't do anything. If you think she is, stop being mean about this and just send genuine good wishes and support. My 2 cents.

How long have you been married? Did you two live in your own place prior to living with your mom? Why did you live with your mom for 4 years?

I actually strongly disagree with the idea that there can be financial equality if one adult (doesn't matter gender) is left carrying the financial burden of providing for everyone for any significant time. It doesn't matter if one is providing the bulk of childcare and/or household chores, there's still financial inequality. Things happen that can go beyond savngs for emergencies and other backups, where things aren't always equal, but it should more or less even out in giving both ways financially imo. Financially. I really believe it is everyone's responsibility to be able to afford their share of any kids they choose to have. Stay at home parent for a time shouldn't mean no financial contribution ...it's still the person's responsibility even if they choose to opt out of the workforce for a time. I know it's controversial still to say. But we really need to move past this idea that staying home with your own kids is something someone else (including spouse) is meant to pay for. No. If you want something, it should be default to expect to pay for it oneself.

I was her for Halloween one year as a kid. She was badass.

I don't identify as a feminist specifically because I don't want to be lumped in with a lot of people that spew horse poop and call it feminism. Obviously it's not everyone who identifies as a feminist, but there's enough that it makes me not to be associated with the term. The double standards are crazy with some people, male and female. Obviously if you expect someone to be the one paying based on their gender that's pretty sexist no matter how you dress it up. The gymnastics some will do to cling on and try to justify it can be downright comical. End of the day, you are free to reject anyone you think doesn't share your values in a romantic relationship. That's the easy part. The hard part is having them at work, in positions of authority, and the like.

Right , I didn't mean to imply your friend would have been. I simply meant I don't see it as unfair to not offer up to pay more. It's more like a gift I someone does in any relationship.

It's just a nice gift to a friend imo. But not necessary. If you decided you were fine with staying somewhere she could afford, and she got offended by that, I'd consider that an unfair attitude.

Hmm well I wouldn't think of it as one benefitting financially from it. They already have earned that standard of living for themselves, they do not need me to afford it (I assume , and not a situation where they couldn't). I would see it as coming together and so you come to an arrangement that both can afford without one carrying more. I'm not saying it's black and white and this is the only way. It's just the only way I would agree to. I don't really get why that bride that didn't make it to the altar was so appalled she'd pay half on a home she'd own half of in the marriage? Maybe I'm missing something?

Personally I'd never feel comfortable if I was not contributing equally to the standard of living I am enjoying. That's me.

You have a lot of self awareness and that's a great thing Lo. I'm sending you so much love. There are therapies to help people with shopping addiction. Addiction is addiction. It's a serious thing and I don't know anyone who has struggled with addiction who has got through it alone. You need lots of support. There will be ups and downs. But you can move past where you are now. I firmly believe it. I've seen it! If there's traumas underlying all this, we are here to support you too. Sadly so many here have experienced abuse. Always here to listen without judgement on that.

How would you feel if you were in his shoes? And he was coming at you for the porn you watched before getting together with him? Accusing you of being a woman, and we all know women can't control themselves because I've heard it through men I know, and you want to sleep with those men in the porn you watched . And he totally believed it and went through your phone and went nuts on you? And then was like, oh actually I forgive you but now you must report and no masturbating before I want sex? Can you see how controlling and off kilter that is and how you can never relax with someone like that? Never just be. And be seen as yourself? It's all filtered through the insecurities and assumptions, always negative?

Yikes! That was here a few days ago. The north seems to be getting the worst of it right now. 97 in Alberta alone. It's scary.

Oh my God, wow. Yes I could smell it today. How terrible.

That's a great question. Since you have a therapist, it might be great to start there. I'm sure they will have better suggestions than I and suggestions for resources on that.