SwimmerBR

Thanks for sharing guys, I´m not looking for anything really serious right now, and this girl seems to be on the same pace. It´s casual hooking up only, I don´t see it going anywhere serious. I feel for you guys, you were more involved (way more, let me rephrase) with your exes, than I was, so I can only imagine how difficult it must have been. I´ve only had one of those break-ups (where I was really attached to the girl) and it did mess me up pretty bad (hard to recover too). This last one though, I was not really involved (we only dated for a few months, the bond never got really strong) so I was not really heart-broken. It is more of and ego thing for me, shallow, I know, but just the same.

Well, it´s been almost 2 months since my last break-up, and things are going ok (not great, not awfully bad either). I have been on an on-going NC with the ex (we bumped once at College, which was kind of awkward) and the general feeling is that I miss a girlfriend, but I don´t really miss HER (you all know the story). Cutting to the chase, I´ve been flirting shamelessly with this cute brunette since my break-up and we did hook-up more than a couple of times over this last month. I don´t really want to enter another relationship (I want some ME time right now), but I feel that I´m only dealing with this situation (my last break-up) so nicely because someone shows interest in me. It´s like... getting over you ex, just because you´re dating someone else. You only lay your last relationship to rest at the sight of a new one. I know it´s not the best way to deal with it, because you´re relying on outside factors to get closure, and eventually you´ll have to deal with this situation all over again, except, it´ll be a *new* ex. How many of you have been (or are going through) something similar? Would you like to share your experiences?

I blush a lot when girls flirt with me, and some of them mentioned (after hooking up and what not) that this blushing is really what seals the deal, because they realize what and incredibly shy person I am (and not incredibly stuck-up for not talking to them -- I get this, since I don´t speak I come out as an arrogant * * * * *). So, some girls find it charming, but I´m trying to break this habit, it´s time to start approaching girls. The worst thing about blushing is that I may blush for just about anything. If I´m embarrassed, angry, sometimes for no reason... oh wel...

sfboi415, I like to swim and rock climb. I go swimming alone, but that´s kind of my "personal moment", every weekday I go 2.5k - 3k on the pool, where I can forget about all my problems, projects, deadlines, ex-girlfriends and whatnot and just enjoy one of my favorite activities (that and it keeps me healthy as well). I rock climb every weekend with my best friend. Since we graduated college, that seemed to be the best way to keep in touch with him. You gotta have something to vent in the real world, basketball sounds fun. Don´t worry about conditioning and skills for now, just go out and have fun. Meet new people, make new friends, unwind from you week, whatever. Sure beats staying home saturday morning and watching TV. As for salsa... excellent choice. I´m guessing you have issues with being shy as well, dancing is (I´m told) a excellent way to deal with shyness (that and it works to meet chicks too ). I´m taking drama classes and I can already feel some difference. It might work for you just the same. And if it doesn´t, you can go out dancing on weekends and have a good time. But I digress... my point is -- do whatever you feel it´s fun. Wait, that had nothing to do with what you asked, but you get my point...

Oh man, welcome to the club! The good news is that this is only possession. It will wear off, eventually. The bad news is that it may take a while. Either way, be happy with who you are, and try to keep her out of your thoughts. Don´t bow your head, since without confidence in yourself, it will only take longer to heal. And what everybody else said -- this girl is not worth your hassle. Really mature of her, keeping you around until the last minute, so she´d have a fall-back... yey her! Sorry, this kind of behaviour just boils my blood...

Oh dude, don´t do it. Don´t sit around waiting for someone to "change their mind". Odds are she won´t. And even if she does, don´t you think it would be like "oh, monsieur is my fall-back guy. Something * * * *ty happens I have him to boost my ego" ? Don´t miss out on relationships. She´ll have hers, it´s only fair you should have yours.

I second that. Your shyness blew him out of the water when he was making his move. Since you guys already hooked-up, you shouldn´t feel that shy about making a move now. Out of curiosity, does he seem more appealing to you now (I mean, do you fancy him more), since he hooked-up with another girl in front of you? edit -- spelling...

Well, Original thread here. First, before anyone comes bashing, I did not went looking for her. We bumped at college, I was going to class, she was standing in the hallway to talk to her teacher. We kind of locked eye contact for a milisecond, I said "hi!" and tried (with effort) to put a smile on my face (it looked good ). She just looked to the side and below and said a very shy "hi..." ... I kept walking, went to the restroom to collect my thoughts (it was tough nonetheless) and then went to class. A (female) friend of mine then came to class and approached me "You OK?" to which I replied "I guess I know who you saw in the hallway..." and she said "Oh yeah, I saw your ex, she came to talk to me, said she saw you for the first time since you two broke up and then quickly changed the subject...". Anyway, I guess we just don´t know, until we know... you know? (comedic relief). I think that was ground zero -- the moment when I realized "Yeah, that´s that... no return bro." Not that I wanted anything with her anymore (I stated on my original post, I never had real feelings for her or anything), but I got this weird feeling, like I suddenly realized (although I knew it all along) that everything was over. It felt like... I had lost that cool... toy and I wasn´t gonna get it back. Sorry if that´s offensive, I really can´t express the way I felt... Is that closure? I´m just venting right now... I´ll edit this later so it makes more sense... edit -- I WAS gonna add something, but it doesn´t feel right. A (female) friend of mine just called me to tell about her new cool boyfriend and how he is awesome and this and that... I feel happy for her, but seeying people happy right now, kinda makes me sad...

JB, I´m going through something similar right now and although I´m not heart-broken, I miss the feeling of someone caring about me in the bf-gf dynamics (hard to explain). I think you´re going on a defensive-mode since someone hurt you. You´re shutting yourself so you don´t go through that again. Maybe it´s not the best way to deal with it, but it´s what you can do right now. Eventually it´ll wear off. I don´t know really what to say, except that I relate to what you´re going through. Keep your head up bro, we´ll be fine. Let me just address some things that you said. Don´t. If chemistry wore off, you guys got off timing, even if she´s interested in someone else, those are outside factors. Don´t overthink it. The more you keep banging your head about it (and if you somehow consider it to be your fault), the longer it will take to move on. Again, don´t. I did these too on more than one ocasion and it only works on diminishing even further your self-esteem. When you do this you lessen yourself in front of the girl. What, she is the most gorgeous-intelligent-cool and sensitive person in the planet and desearves a statue on her honor? You´re not worth her spit? Think about how much she lost when she broke-up with you, not the other way around. Remember it´s about your self-esteem, not hers. And do listen to what all these nice people said. Work on yourself, use this experience to improve your qualities. And don´t look back, ever. Ladies, I´m sorry, but no woman is worth compromising yourself. After all, we´re really all we got. Six billion people on the planet. Don´t get bent out of shape because of ONE girl.

Okay, WHY was my post deleted?

This is so very true. If there are grounds for betrayal, it´s really just a matter of time, regardless of anything. Even if you feel insecure of anything, you should not display it. If you do, you lessen yourself in her eyes, and put her in a dominant position. Don´t do that. And out of curiosity, how long distance is this LDR ?

Ask him out! You´ve already shown your feelings. Let´s see you enforce them.

First things first... do you want it to be official or anything? He might just be trying to be nice with his hook-up, I don´t know... a US$ 20,00 gift certificate and a rose does not strike me as that big of a thing... so don´t obcess about it. And what´s with the e-mailing back and forth? I´ve read here that most people will more often than not email and SMS (text) their potential dates / crushes. That seems waaaaaay too inpersonal for me... edit -- some spelling

I gotta disagree with this one. You need to simply have confidence. Telling her you are child-like is setting the stage to get her to dump you. It's not adult. It's not really attractive in the sense of "Oh, he's a great man." Sure, you may get some results, but what woman is going to tell you "I'd rather have a weak-acting boyfriend instead of a mature and confident man" and really mean it? Sure, there are some, but chances are a woman wants a man who makes her feel like a woman, not a caretaker. Coming accross by dropping hints is putting her in charge of asking you out, and women simply don't do that. (Sure, some do, let's not get into absolutes here, that's not the point.) Women expect the man to be the man and ask her out, open doors, pay for the date, try to kiss her at some point. That is the way the courting process works, has always worked, and probably always will work. To deny that is to wonder why you're single. I see where you´re coming from Poco, and I agree to an extent. But the thing is, it is my belief that it´s better to make some move, than no move at all. Say, if this girl is already into him, and now she realises he is a shy person, will she change her mind all of a sudden? "oh, I was so into him, he is [quality], [quality], [quality] and [great quality], but now I realize he is shy. That makes him so flawed I´m gonna flirt with someone else..." ? I can´t really say I see that happening. A girl may have a first impression that a guy is not into her, when in fact he is just shy. She may even be one of those girls that find shyness endearing, who knows? Do american girls get that bad of an impression from a guy if they need to make the first move? I know brazilian girls don´t. Then again, it may be a cultural thing. I agree wholeheartdly that confidence in yourself is always the best way to go, but I for one don´t think that a shy person can build that kind of confidence overnight. It´s a work in progress. In the mean time, why don´t use other tools at his disposal? He might be setting himself for failure? He might, who knows? But what good comes from sitting still, doing nothing? But once again, kudos to you for being so confident. You´re an older guy and it seems you speak from personal experience and have waaaay more experience in your jacket than most. I wish and I´m working on getting on that level, not just regarding girls, but in everyday life. edit -- this reply sounds like I´ve been personally offended. It´s not, in fact it might as well be just the opposite. I´m here to learn!

I haven´t. I feel greatly when everybody else is a part of the fun, and I´m not. It may as well be a cultural thing. In Brazil and specially in Rio, these relationship (and hook-up) dynamics look way more intese... so if you´re missing out, you´re missing out greatly. It´s a two way street... it´s so much easier to let your shyness go, because there is so much more opportunities, but if you don´t, the toll looks way heavier. Shallow? Big time! But like I said before... young and silly! But that (fun and silly) aside, romance and everyday life seems to be passing by unannounced because I, well, don´t step up for the challenge. It´s like... I´m happy with whom I am... but I might as well be happier with whom I become. ShySoul, you took the correct and beat it repeatdly in the face! Of all the things I feel I´m missing, control seems to be my greatest concern. It´s horrible to feel as if most aspects of your life are accidental. Can you feel the difference in your everyday life? I´m going to watch a drama class tonight, just to get the feel of it. I´ll let everyone know how it goes, so others can profit as well. Man, this forum sure is great! UPDATE - I took a drama class tonight... just got home. It was... different, very intense for a shy guy!