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jman311

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Everything posted by jman311

  1. jman311
    That's a pretty negative outlook. My only advice is, for now, to stop focusing on finding that someone and looking for love. My two cents: love isn't something you find my friend, it finds you ... and usually when you aren't looking. You need to regroup and find some joy in your life outside of the proverbial 'soulmate'. When you are happy with yourself first love can find you much more easily ... and hey if it doesn't, then what does it matter? You are already happy, remember?
  2. jman311
    Nice post, it made me feel considerably better about my last relationship, reflecting upon it and how it ended. I have made a habit out of beating myself up because I simply can not grasp why my ex would not put any real effort into our relationship and then her going and ending it. Stupidly I have blamed myself a lot ... even though I can honestly say: she was simply a BAD girlfriend. Always blaming me for anything she could while taking no responsibility for herself and her actions. Funny how really loving someone can blind you and turn you into a doormat for a while, which I have to admit I had become to her ... all in my attempts to salvage a doomed relationship all by myself. But, I have finally come to realize she just isn't emotionally available and like your ex, she also simply didn't want a relationship. I could have done without all her games too, she's really hurt me with them, especially telling me she wanted to marry me right before breaking up with me. Ouch! But maybe that's what it took for me to realize I'm better off without her. F her! I can do WAY better.
  3. jman311
    It won't kill you, I promise. It absolutely will feel like that sometimes, but it will not...
  4. jman311
    SUCH good advice. It only took me 6 friggin' months to really figure that one out. ](*,) Keep repeating that in your head over and over and over...
  5. jman311
    Empty, I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. I know that what would seem like the smallest things like being called 'baby' by your ex can have such a profound effect on your emotions in this situation ... I remember my ex doing the same to me after she broke up with me, it killed me. But I have learned since then you HAVE to stay out of contact with him, nothing you say or do, any pleading or anything will help the situation especially if he says he needs space. Give him space, or more importantly, give yourself space from him, free yourself from the controls he has over your feelings he has now. You have to find a way to keep yourself busy and your mind occupied as best you can, and find how to be happy with yourself apart from him. I know you might feel like you're going crazy sometimes but I promise you you will heal eventually, especially if you stay out of contact with him. After months of even minimal contact with my ex and driving myself insane I realized the only way for me to heal was to really cut off contact. The lack of appetite and feelings of sickness you have are normal, you are heartbroken ... but ask any number of people on this board and they will all agree you will survive, you will get better, and you can be stronger. Rose2summer said it well, the more you hold on the harder it will be.
  6. jman311
    Ugh I so feel your pain. You said it yourself, you know what you have to do, and YES you can find the confidence. Walk away, and remember we are here to help you through it.
  7. jman311
    When you get into this kind of situation it can be very difficult to end it, you have obviously invested a lot of yourself into it and because you love her so much it makes it even harder. But do you really want to be with a person who does not accept responsibility for their actions and behaviors? Taking ownership in a relationship is VITAL. It's basically a requirement if a relationship is going to work. If this goes on you will eventually just come to hate her. I have been down this road, I tried to make a relationship work in a similar situation, but learned it simply will not work when things are so unbalanced, and it will only tear you apart as time goes on while you continue to try to "make things work" when you are really powerless to do so. In my opinion, based on what you said, I don't even think there's room to put your foot down at this point, you need to get out of this relationship permanently for your own good.
  8. jman311
    sexy long hair
  9. jman311
    On the shingled, sloped roof of my house ... not the most comfortable place, those shingles are scratchy. On the floor of my cubicle where I used to work. On the desk in the office at the bar where my ex worked. On the pool table and the kitchen counter ... mentioned them just because they both work so very well! On a trampoline under the stars. On a bean bag in the back of a truck at the drive-in movie. Obviously didn't see the movie!
  10. jman311
    Kissing is fine before, after, or during!
  11. jman311
    "... sans queef" "... queefing action" And all before 9am. You guys are killing me.
  12. jman311
    If you take the advice posed earlier in this thread and start small, you should develop a feel for it and hopefully you will become more at ease with the idea ... practice makes perfect right? It really should be give-and-take as far as your partner is concerned and hopefully you can pick up on what he likes/doesn't like via trial and error and feedback (hmmm, sorta like sex). Don't be afraid to ask him, "do you like it when I say ..." or say "tell me you want to ... me" etc etc I personally used to not say a dirty word until I had a girlfriend that told me what a turn on it was for her, and the things she'd say to me were great! It was kinda awkward for me at first but it's no big deal now. Of course it totally depends on the person, some people may just as well be turned off. Now that I'm thinking about it a whole list of my favorite 'phrases' are going through my head, anyone care to start the "favorite filth" thread?
  13. jman311
    Hey DJ! To me, this sounds pretty normal. From what I know, it is common that when you are actually starting to feel decent after a heartbreak (and the heaviest pain has subsided) to think more about your ex in a positive light and to be more curious about them. Stay the course, keep working on you ... that way when someone else does come along (and you are ready) you will be that much better off and a stronger, more confident person. I would guess your dreaming of her may reflect some deep-down desire you have to still be with her (or as you said, maybe just the relationship, not her specifically). I think if you stick with NC and keep working on you it will eventually subside. I hate to say it, but from my point of view, I would hope she doesn't call you on your b-day ... I think it would lean towards some degree of relapse. And since as you know I am having a big relapse myself because of a break in NC and my curiosity about my ex ... all I can say is dude, don't go there! (er, here?) J
  14. jman311
    I also want to add that I don't think it's fair to classify this as "standard no- contact", simply because you have a scheduled time to break it. That can easily allow hope to remain and you might deep down look forward to that time instead of assuming it's totally over and moving on. Similarly for my situation, my ex left town a while after I initiated NC, and while she was gone, it was much easier. When I knew she was back in town, my feelings totally relapsed and I had a harder time with it. Not quite the same I guess ... but just my 2 cents...
  15. jman311
    Relapses are ok, they happen. They can happen for any reason at any time, and try as you might you cannot stop them or control them. All you can do is be kind to yourself and allow yourself to hurt, time will heal you. I am having one after 2 months of doing rather well. Didn't even see it coming, and yes it is oh so draining. It's ok to be tired & frustrated, it's ok to cry when you need to... just know it will pass eventually...
  16. jman311
    Doesn't that suck that you have to plan on how you'd have to react instead of just being able to be yourself and not worry about it. I find myself planning my reactions as well... like some sort of stupid game. And I'm not much of an actor... True that! Yeah I have a much better grip on it than I have in the past, but I still know all weekend it'll be on my mind. If she doesn't call me I'll be upset, yet if she does call me I'll be upset too. Bah! Can't win.
  17. jman311
    Hey deejay! Long time no talk I understand it hurts she hasn't made any attempt to contact you, but from what I know about your situation, don't you think for your sake that might be better? Sure it hurts, but if she contacted you would you be filled with hope? We've talked some and you know some about me (funny the similarities people always share on this board isn't it). Anyhow, well, my ex did contact me a while ago. At first I was elated ... but now I'm starting to realize she does not want to get back together with me and it was just more of a "how are you doing" thing (not that I even should consider being with her! but the heart wants what it wants). And now, I have been experiencing a total relapse ... I think mostly, similar to you, because my is ex coming back into town this weekend. She has made no attempt to indicate she wants to see me when she is here, which as much as I hate the fact, really hurts me. I thought I was better off about all this until the past few days and this event surfaced (I take it back, I WAS better off). And like you the level of sadness that I feel now has totally surprised me! And, yeah, it SUCKS. I never wanted to be back feeling like this, but by allowing her to break NC I did this to myself. Damn this "hope" crap! Back to day 1... But at least I know I was better there for a while, so there's no reason I can't get back to where I was and then improve from there. Same with you, just give it time. No one knows when she'll be out of your system, but don't set a deadline. Just stick to your guns and keep on living for you ...
  18. jman311
    Great posts everyone! I think whether someone was really right for you or not has no effect on how much it can hurt when you lose someone you love (and you can just as easily love the wrong person - love really is blind, I mean, scientifically, chemically, they've actually proven it!). The pain is there, as it pleases, when it pleases, and you can't reason with it as much as you try, it doesn't really care if they were right for you ... and frankly it can be really annoying! ... vodka and time, vodka and time
  19. jman311
    I agree, I think it has a lot to do with depth of the relationship and how strong your feelings are (were?). I too had a 3 year relationship that didn't take long at all for me to get over, yet I'm having a HELL of a time with my last one that was shy of 1.5 yrs. Not sure that I'll ever be completely over her, but after 4 months I'm at least functioning somewhat normally as a person again. Hoping in a few more months I'll be as good as I can get. Regardless of time, the worst part was when some of the bad days seemed to last forever. Actual time can be skewed by the intensity of pain.
  20. jman311
    I agree with you itsallgrand! I think the key here is the communication, approach, and perception around the whole issue. Getting angry when your SO makes an advance definitely puts up a red flag in my book, in that case there is something other than just a difference in level of desire there. I believe people in a relationship should be able to freely communicate to each other if they are not in the mood/tired, but if that is the real reason, there doesn't need to be hostility or negativity. I personally loved when my ex would 'molest me' at odd times (and if I wasn't in the mood I still at least let her know I appreciated the gesture). Sometimes she would respond to my similar advances with negativity (or pure silence or avoidance) instead of just a response to let me know her feelings instead of expecting me to be a mind-reader ... which I actually think was selfish. Just tell me ok? I tried to explain to her how helpful communication in that regard but she never really took my advice - yet another reason she's my ex I suppose ...
  21. jman311
    ... hopefully the full 365! so far I've been inconsistent, but better lately ... record is almost 2 weeks
  22. jman311
    So learn from it now ... but don't regret trying to save the relationship.
  23. jman311
    My ex accused me of creating a lot of "drama" in the end of our relationship, and although not in the same words, I think she felt the same way - that I was an emotional drain. I came to realize that was mostly because she had already started to check out of the relationship while I was still trying to keep it together, and a lot things she did really hurt me while she seemed oblivious to them. So yeah, I was very emotional. Looking back, I will not blame myself (nor accept her blame) for my trying and for being hurt in the process when her lack of effort and compassion was a major cause. Of course had I known then what I know now, I should have walked away then.
  24. jman311
    Oh hell yeah! I too catch myself, beating myself up ... but dude, that is a normal pattern to go through when you are suffering a loss ... be easy on yourself. You are only human. Don't try to find "the reason" so much. You don't have to find something or someone to blame ... in you, in her, or anywhere. You said it yourself "a couple stupid mistakes". That's it, nothing more ... don't blow them out of proportion and let them be more than they are. Even if you honestly feel you could have done some specific things better, at the very least make it a learning experience, learn from it and know that you are now a better person. My ex was terrible at holding grudges and kept bringing up mistakes I'd made before we broke up. Things I admitted I did wrong, things I apologized for, things I was determined to learn from. When I've been down it has made me dwell on them, but when I snap out of it I realize how unfair that is. I am only human. She made mistakes too, we all do ... it's about forgiveness. Part of the healing process is forgiving yourself and your ex too. So next time you are down on yourself for something, stop, and think about it, think about what you can learn, and focus on forgiving yourself.
  25. jman311
    It does seem impossible sometimes. One day can seem impossible! Was talking to a friend the other day, she made a comment which helped me: "You know, in a year, this won't mean a damn thing to you." Counting down, 365 ...
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