jman311

Word of caution, be careful here my friend ... I have told myself the same thing many times but I found that I wasn't fully realizing the implication it had to my healing. Food for thought.

Jjason, I personally find that I tend to go through some of the roughest nights especially after I have one of my better days. It's kind of odd, but I noticed that when I have a really good day, when I get home and go to bed, I think of my ex more. I think maybe because I realize I miss sharing it with her, or I catch myself thinking "wow, I'm doing ok now" and then I am promptly reminded of what it is I'm trying to recover from. Often when I have a a good spell I end up sad that I must keep it to myself. For me, crying rocks. I used to fight it, but I've realized it really helps when it's necessary. When I feel it coming on I have learned to welcome the release it can bring. Jjason what position do you play in hockey? Just curious ... I play center myself ... I play 2 leagues, they are a huge outlet for me.

PocoDiablo, thanks much for your reply! Yeah I was tempted to tell her that at first but decided not to, and was glad I didn't. That would make a LOT of sense knowing her. She loves to create challenges in her own life all the time and she'll even admit it. I really hope she's not playing the games she appears to be playing with this whole situation, but that's probably just me making excuses for her again. So sad. As tough as it is I'm gonna just ignore that email from her. Having thought about it I wouldn't know what to say even if I did answer it. Now I just have to choose between really moving on and pretending to move on. I have been working at the former but seems like I always end up on the latter. Setbacks like this sure don't help. Thanks so much the help!

I think you really need to look at why you are so distrusting. In a healthy relationship people need to have the space and freedom to be able to pursue outside interests and activities. If her simply going out with the girls to a club is enough for you to consider ending the relationship, I think the distrust issue is a very serious on your side and something you need to get the bottom of.

Bam!!! That's great news! You are a shining beacon of success

tylercdurden and Bethany ... thanks for the replies tylercdurden, I see some truth to what you said. She has had some really bad behavior towards me in our relationship, but I have always looked past it and let it go, while on the other hand I think she always held some unfair grudges against me. I never really thought about your #2 there, but I think that may be what she was getting at there. It makes sense when I look at the whole enchilada... Bethany, Do you think I should not be there for her at all? I know now I am not going to actively pursue her anymore, and I won't initiate contact with her ... but it's hard to not want to be a friend and at least see how her feelings evolve, and I feel like not replying will really end it all in the long run...

I need some help. I'm not sure what I should do. I haven't posted my story on here yet although I've been on here reading and posting on other's threads for a little while. Anyhow the last 24 hours have been terrible for me and I feel like I need to get this out, so figured this is a good place for it. I will probably ramble on though … My ex of 1 and ½ years broke up with me almost 2 months ago, the week before both Valentine's and my birthday. We had broken up back in October of last year (that time was my choice) but we got back together in December. January was, at least for me, close to the best our relationship ever was. We spent a lot of time together, everything seemed to go very well, and during that period she told me if she were to ever marry anyone it would be me. All of a sudden, she 180'd on me. She started blowing me off, and then she accused me of taking her for granted, although she couldn't really back it up when I asked her to explain herself, and eventually she turned around and said she didn't really feel that way, but that she was having a lot of issues with herself and needed time to work on her. This I can agree with, because I have to admit she does have problems … she is a bartender and she drinks way too much. She spends a lot of time in that environment and associates with a big party/drinking crowd. And when she does drink she gets carried away often … now, I like to drink myself, but during our relationship I was always the one who was looking after her and never the other way around. I broke up with her the first time basically because of a drunken episode she had. She began becoming negative towards me when she was drunk, and I think she was dealing with any relationship issues that way instead of communicating with me properly. Before we broke up the second time though, this wasn't the case, and things were much better in that regard. Anyhow she started back in school in January. She had also fallen out of contact with a lot of her old friends in the last few years, and wanted to rebuild some of her friendships. So I can understand her being busy and needing to focus on those things. She said she can't be with me now, and because she needs to get herself together I understand that … she knows she has issues to work out. The hard part for me is I am still head over heels in love with her, but I have no real way of knowing if she'll want to be with me again down the road … so basically I feel stuck in limbo and I hate it. I so love this girl, I love everything about her, her flaws and all. We have a connection like none I've experienced with anyone else, the thought of her melts my heart. And our physical relationship was the best we've both ever experienced, basically perfect. But I think if she really wanted to be with me, she would find a way, or at least make it clear that's how she felt, right? She said "doesn't want me out of her life" but that's all I really know. After the break-up I tried NC, but I broke it several times. She also broke it by drunk dialing me and asking me if I'd have sex with her (but not meaning our relationship was back on). I said I would (even though I shouldn't have), but I was actually at work and unable to meet her, so she said we could meet later. When I called her later she didn't answer, my guess is she sobered up and changed her mind. Another time she emailed and said she wanted to go out with me, but didn't follow through and basically ignored my inquiries about it later. She said over a few emails we exchanged that she was teetering on this, that she wanted to see me but was afraid because she'd end up wanting to spend all her time with me again, and she was afraid I'd think we were getting back together. I asked her to go to The Strokes concert with me a while back (the first time we ever went out was to see them). She said she'd have gone but her parents were visiting her so she couldn't, I was actually surprised she said that she'd have gone if she could have, but I'm not even sure if she was just saying that or what. I ended up breaking down and crying in the middle of the show, ugh. I have been really confused because of communications like this mixed with the fact that when I have contacted her, as normally I got either a very limited response or no response at all. I ended up feeling like I was annoying her when I contacted her usually, and even though she acted that way she said that wasn't the case when I talked to her. But I started to realize pretty much all our communication was initiated by me and not her, although she would reply to me (eventually). So, I have realized I really need to do NC and stick to it, I know my focus needs to be to let things be and work on me, and I feel like I must assume that the relationship is over so I can go on with my life and center myself again. I got to the point where the thought of being in contact with her made me feel almost ill, because I was just hurting myself more. Unfortunately my feelings can flip flop all too easily sometimes too. Last week she sent me a forward of some little blurb regarding going through major life transitions, and she said she sent it because it outlined what she was going through and it had made her cry. But no real explanation of her feelings. She didn't say anything that requested a reply so I didn't answer, I had initiated NC again and I didn't talk to her all week. Until yesterday, she emailed me again to say hello and that she was going to call me. She did call me last night, but I was out with friends, so even though I answered I said I couldn't talk. This morning I check my email, she'd emailed me last night and she asked me "So I was thinking about getting a boob job and was curious to your opinion?" I am actually pretty upset and hurt she asked me this… all things considered. I don't know what to say, or if I should just not reply. I would tell her she doesn't need one, cause I love her just how she is, but I think that might not be a good idea to say anything like that … to show my emotions for her. I don't want to be her security blanket now. If she really wanted to get one I'd be ok with it too, whatever makes her happy. But the thing is why should it matter as far as I'm concerned, we're not even together! Why that question? It makes me think things like how many more guys would end up hitting on her, etc, and it puts me in a bad place… For anyone that made it through all that thank you! I just realized how much I wrote, and I feel a little better just having said it all… this site is great and it's helped me a lot already. J

Wouldn't it be sort of akin to passing a note, like back in school? Actually a PM might be more like that. Posting it on here is more like passing a note in class, getting caught by the teacher, who then posts the note on the bulletin board. Who doesn't?!

Totally understandable! I work accross the street from where my ex works (luckily only 2 of the same days a week now). I can actually SEE where she parks her car from my office window. My goal is to not even look over there anymore ... some days are better than others. I think those lingering thoughts have to be the most annoying thing in the world! You know you don't want to think about them, wonder if they might be somewhere you might expect to see them, you don't want to look when you see a car like theirs if it's them, always wishing you could just flip a switch and shut off those thoughts that seem to dominate your brain. Time heals for sure ... I promise you those thoughts will dwindle as time goes on ... even if it is very slowly ...

Yes, stick with NC! Definitely the right thing to do. My advice would be if you see her, simply say "hello" and that's it. Ignoring her might create more drama, as would anything further. I think directing your anger towards her will not get any response you might want. You have reason to be angry, and it will probably take a while to get over that, but when you are feeling it maybe use that as a reminder that you deserve much better. Sometimes when I catch myself missing my ex I have to remind myself of the mistreatment I got from her to get through it, and sometimes it helps counter the hurt with the feeling I really should move on with my life and away from this person who created/creates this pain. As for letters I have written MANY myself, but I don't send them. If you write one and really want to send it, I suggest always waiting a few days, re-reading it, and seeing if you still feel like sending it. I never do at that point...

Been reading this thread a while, wanted to say first off you guys rock! Didyoumissme and Silvercloud I am very proud of you both, you have a lot of strength and courage. I can go on here and read your thoughts, feelings, and advice to each other, I don't even know you but I can still totally relate to so much of what you say ... sort of amazing I think. I am only on day 4 of NC having failed many times so far. I had made it a week before, was doing well, but then allowed her to fill my head with false hopes which threw me into almost a month of torturing myself and trying to get her attention again. I am finally really realizing it simply wasn't working, and as much as it kills me I need to cease & desist, again. Yesterday was rough, all day I wished I could just flip a switch and stop thinking about her, if only for a while. Anyhow I got on here and read through this thread again, and I'm feeling so much better today. So, I wanted to say thank you!!! Silvercloud, if you think seeing a psychologist will help, do it! It certainly can't hurt you (IMHO). Keep on keepin' on.

Jinxz ... thank you for posting that! Thank you very very much ...

Jason ... I think as long as you continue to really care for her on the level you do you will still encounter these draining moments. I am going through this myself now and I can totally relate. I'll be doing fine and out of nowhere I am hit with this horrible weight of emotion that just drains everything out of me to the point I wish I could just cease to exist. I still care a great deal for my ex and I'm struggling with NC, but as long as I continue to do it I realize I will care for her a lot meaning I will probably still have these moments. Similar to what you said, I have a feeling that the relationship is "failed" and even though part of me wants it back for than anything, it can't (and shouldn't) happen. You said yourself this is the hardest thing you've ever had to face in your life! Remember to realize that, and be easy on yourself and allow yourself to hurt in light of that fact. I know it's SOOO frustrating, but I promise there will be a day when it stops. You asked if you might ever lose your will to care for her? Have you considered if that might be what you need in order to move on? Hang in there buddy!

For me, that is the hardest part of NC ... when I start to feel better about myself. Every time I start to think I am moving on and can think positively, I reflect on the relationship we had and see it in a good light, and get caught thinking "hey I'm doing ok now, wonder how she is... " and I think I can get away with contacting her, that I'll be ok with it, and it won't effect me negatively (in the long run) like it always has before. And every time I've proved myself wrong... Think it just means you have to be a true 110% before breaking NC is even an option.

I'm not all that much of a TV watcher, but I know I feel more comfortable with it on sometimes now ... somehow the noise makes it seem less lonely and helps me keep my mind off my worries and fears. I can luckily sleep with it when I feel the need. Sometimes I dread the silence when I turn it off.

I too am in Scottsdale and went through a breakup recently ... thought what the heck so I tried to PM both Shamus and Insite but I am apparently too new of a member (I just registered). Anyone know the requirements for having PM access on here? Hey if either of you read this maybe PM me?

It's so true! I do agree that having someone interested in you makes you feel SO much better when you are going through a post break-up period, even if that person isn't someone you could or would pursue. I also personally find that even though I don't feel any differently, I too have "no game" when I am still getting over a relationship ... I think there must be some sort of flashing light on my head that fends women off during that time. It's when I am finally over someone that the light goes off and I can really be yourself ... or something? Plus I guess at that point you don't care so much about any rejection you might receive.