starfish

It depends how much you love the person really. My bf of 2-1/2 years broke up with me, or took a "break", but at that point I was so out of love that it wasn't hard for me. I have been talking to a lot of interesting people lately - it's a great feeling to know that someone is interested in you. I was quite jaded after my relationship ended, but I felt like I had to make things better for myself. You can't sit around and wait for things to happen - it just gives you more time to mope. Then again, I did have a lot of time for reflection during the last year of my relationship: figuring out who I was and what I wanted...so maybe that's why moving on hasn't been hard. My advice would be to take some time to think things over, but not dwell too much on it. There are too many great people to meet out there and too little time to meet them all!

My experience: when a guy starts telling you that you don't trust him enough, then that means you are probably right in trusting your instincts, because he sure has something to hide.

Hey SandyD, My ex used to be the same way to me. He would make sure to make me pay for my half of everything. Generally if we took cabs, I would end up paying entirely. We were both working initially, so I didn't say anything about it. Then I went to school and he was still working and making quite a bit of money. And he would still hound me for my share of everything. He also never bothered to pay cab fare, and if I paid for anything for the two of us, he wouldn't ever pay me back. Finally I told him point blank that I thought he was cheap. He actually was surprised and then went to great lengths to make sure that didn't happen. In fact he stopped asking me to pay for things. I would try to make up in whatever ways I could - like if we went out for a dinner or something, and it wasn't too expensive I would cover it. But I think in the end it did bother him, because he was a high spender - on himself. I know his dad was having financial difficulties, and I told him to help his father out, but he said he wouldn't. I guess he felt the same way about me and my not being able to spend big (on him). I think it's a worth a shot if you talk to your bf about it - maybe he will listen. Same thing with the affection. I didn't get much affection from my ex, until I told him I needed it, and then he warmed up a little. But all the red flags were there - I should have heeded them, but didn't. In the end, you can ask all you want but if the other person is self-centered and selfish, it's really not going to change things much. I am not saying that your bf is like this. You should try talking to him (you probably already have), and make him understand how important these issues are to you.

mlchildr, I was in a similar position with my ex. He would keep talking about kids, but would never talk about marriage. For me it seems natural that marriage should come first and like you said, you need some time together before you have kids. He didn't feel that way though. Every conversation we had would revolve around kids, and I even brought it up a couple of times, saying that I thought it was weird. Finally, I cracked and told him to stop talking about kids because he was freaking me out. So he said, well then you should stop talking about marriage. weird huh? Anyways, he stopped talking about kids and two months later we split up (for several reasons). But he made it a point to tell me that the day I asked him to stop talking about kids had marked the end of our relationship. This is a load of crap because he knows that I wanted kids, but I wanted to do it the right way. Like NJRon says, he was nothing but a selfish, self-centered * * * * *. In your situation, what guarantee is there that this man will be around for you after you get pregnant? He is acting rather immature if you ask me. Don't give in to anything. Having a child is a huge responsibility and I am not so sure that he understands that.

Unfortunately that seems to be the case. I think everything that you are feeling right now is quite natural. I would say keep away from him and give yourself some space. If you talk to him now, it will most likely be your emotions talking and we all tend to say things that we don't mean when we are emotional..so stay put. Things will get better.

Octopus, Did he break up with you or the other way round? Yeah, I wouldn't call. I am in the same boat. He called me two weeks ago and ended the call saying "Do call sometimes." I don't read much more into it than meaning, let me know you are alive. And I don't care to let him know either ways.

I agree with the others. Stick to the NC. The exes will come back from time to time asking about your wellbeing and saying things like "I was worried about you" or "Wanted to see if you are still alive" etc. It will just give you false hope. I don't know why they do it - maybe they genuinely care, maybe they don't. But you would just be torturing yourself by reading too much into it.

Went out for 2+ years with a guy who had cheated on his ex before me. He didn't tell me because he probably figured that I wouldn't go out with him. True dat. Once he told me, I knew there was never going to be an us again. Cheating is not excusable - no matter how depressed or messed up you are. If you can't work things out, get out of the relationship. Don't cheat and use that as a way to get out of the relationship. And yes from the posts here it looks like going back to a cheater doesn't work. Not only does it raise issues of trust and lack of confidence, it provokes us to act in ways that we wouldn't otherwise act. My 2 cents.

Just wanted to say to all of you out there that this NC thing does really work. It's been 12 days since I last talked to my ex (he called me). I haven't called him or emailed him or tried to contact him in 20 days (since we broke up). Truth is I haven't felt the need to. I have thrown out almost everything he gave me, deleted all his emails, pictures and even his phone number and it really wasn't hard! I guess I really didn't want to be with this guy, so it's no big deal. I think NC is the only relationship I want with him ever. I can understand how it would be difficult for those holding on to hope and wanting to be back with their exes. But be strong, stay on the NC. Even when you are down and feeling low, talk to other friends or family for strength. Someone that didn't think twice about hurting you now, will most probably do it again, and you certainly don't want that someone to be your confidante.

curlyl1, Good job with the NC. Stay the course and it will get easier. You just need to will yourself to do it. You are probably thinking of all the good times you shared with your ex and glossing over whatever went wrong, and that's definitely not healthy. In the past, when I tried to contact my ex he would refuse to respond and distanced himself, and that hurt more than when I wasn't in contact with him. You need to give both of yourselves time to heal. And if this is someone that you truly care about and he feels likewise, then I believe eventually (not all that soon though) you will be able to connect without getting emotional.

Don't let him get away with saying that you are the reason for his only weaknesses. I agree with the others on this page. Get out of the relationship now even if it hurts. You will be stronger for doing it. My ex cheated on his ex before me, but never told me about it in the 2+ years that we were together. When he did tell me, I lost all respect for him. He had several opportunities during the time we were together to tell me, and I believe we discussed it on several occasions, but he never once said that he had cheated. Not only did he cover up for his lame * * *, but would get defensive if I asked him about other girls that he flirted with. Yup - that should have been a red flag. So get out now - you shouldn't have to put up with someone else's stupidity.

It depends on how the break up went and how you are feeling about it. With my first ex I boxed everything up and wanted to send it back to him, but then decided to sit on it and sat on it for over 4 years. In the end I threw away some of the stuff because I was moving around a lot, but I still have some of the stuff he gave me, and I appreciate it, because we really had something special. Especially now, because we are in touch again and are really good friends. My second ex turned out to be a liar, a cheat, and quite a pathetic individual. So it didn't take me too much time to throw out the stuff he gave me..with a few exceptions - things that I have practical use for and believe that I deserved for putting up with his selfish self for so long. I don't envision having anything to do with him ever again. That's my two cents on it. Oh, and if the break up wasn't nice, you should trying ripping up the cards, letters, or breaking knick knacks etc. I believe it is quite therapeutic =) It gets the anger out and definitely beats getting into a yelling match with your ex, which can eventually prove to be a huge waste of your time and effort. And definitely stay on ENA - it helps to know that you are not alone =)

Small update.... Well, I was doing well until New Year's when the ex calls to wish me Happy New Year. I didn't pick up because I just didn't want to talk to him and I didn't want to call back either. He called again tonight and I picked up because it was a little annoying. He asked me if I was ever going to call back and that he was worried about me. I didn't talk much, just said I was fine. So when he figured that I wasn't interested in talking he said ok bye and then please call some time. Why should I call him? He broke up with me after 2 1/2 years because he wanted to chase after someone else. And very honestly I just don't care about him anymore. He lied and treated me horribly and pretty much ripped out any feelings that I might have had for him. I just don't care about him. What should I do?

I had a similar experience with my ex. Only he was emailing this woman at work (we used to work together). I happened to know because she was in the cube next to mine, and when she wasn't working (which was never) or emailing she was over at his cube. And if I went over to his cube, he would quickly close his email browser. When I asked him about it he accused me of being jealous and paranoid and all those other things. Ultimately he did say that she was interested in him, and he just basically enjoyed the flirting. I am not saying that your bf is cheating on you, but you shouldn't let him get away with accusing you like that.

Thanks darkblue! I try