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  1. newby
    This is the first time I have posted for a while and the reason for that is that I feel so much better. This is a wonderful website for those of us who have to deal with terrible heartbreak and betrayal. It is not always easy to speak to your nearest and dearest about these things but there is always this website to listen to your woes and offer support and advice. I have had less need to post messages. Started to heal a bit, . I wanted to post this message for the people who have helped me reach this stage through posts and PM’s and for anyone who is at the horrible stage I was a few weeks ago. I was so sad, depressed, bewildered, destroyed and damaged I thought I would never be happy again. I read back through our posts and found them quite emotional and heartrending to read, but there is a subtle shift in the tone of the contributions. I think we all healed a little bit. I think we all supported each other through the nightmare of Christmas and New Year, and have all come out the other side stronger and wiser. (a bit battered emotionally maybe) but stronger . Just wanted to thank everyone. Blue Boy, well done on such a powerful and emotive thread. You changed things for me for sure and I will always appreciate your kindness and strength.. (Forget the sex change - please)!! Unless of course that is your thing!! Lgirl, your advice was wonderful, witty, clever and insightful. Stay positive. Punch like Ali remember. Go for it.
  2. newby
    I thinks so too. He is too clever for me. Sharp. Somehow I think things will get better soon. I think we will meet some nice kind people that will make us feel good and positive again. I am always the dreamer.
  3. newby
    Glad your moving on Blue Boy. The pain will ease, the scars will heal, the confidence will return, you will sleep well again. The memories will stay but they will cause less angst. Chin up!
  4. newby
    The bipolar disorder has taken a dive again. feeling a bit low again. Tired of the feeling of dread I continually have in the pit of my stomach. Trying very hard to stay positive but still can feel overwhelmed by it all. I dont want to become bitter and twisted over all this but the anger is soul destroying. On the twelve month theme - Where do you see yourselves in 12 months time? Warmastoast hope you are OK.
  5. newby
    I seriously wonder if I have developed bipolar disorder. I am high a kite one minute and then in the depths of dispair. Fortunately I posted last time on a high. Still feeling OK but watch this space. I read a site the other day and I have tried to find it again and failed but it was very interesting. It gave a formula for the time it would take to recover from a broken relationship, interestingly the score I got indicated that it would not take as long to recover as some shorter relationships might. The questions it asked made me realise I had an unhappy marriage even though I was in some denial about it. I still feel hurt and angry, betrayed and depressed, but I also feel free. I may seem to be progressing well but remember my husband was making my life miserable for a long time before I discovered this affair. In many ways it is a relief not to be living with him now that I have come to terms with the loss. I have also cemented a very good friendship over the past while and that person has given me food for thought and very wise counsel. Has made me look at the bigger picture. I still feel so much pain but I am trying to keep it at bay and think of the positives.
  6. newby
    Tom, You are thinking too much about this. Go with your instinct. She is doing what all women do. They want the man to make the moves, it makes them feel desirable and wanted. Stop worrying so much and call that girl!
  7. newby
    Forgot to add. I am feeling much more positive as you probably guessed. Still very angry at the lying cheating Bastard, but not allowing it to eat me up anymore. A couple of very nice experience have happened to me of late and have given me hope for a much more exciting time ahead. Hope everyone is feeling a bit better. Do you think it is easier now that the festive season is out of the way? All that sentimentality is just too much to take when you are trying to survive a broken relationship.
  8. newby
    Twelve months eh? I would have done it all the same probably - depressing as that sounds. It is hard to see how bad things are until you are out of them. Quite simply if my husband had not been careless enough to get caught out in his infidelity I probably would have plodded on in my unsatisfactory marriage. But on a more positive note - Fate has intervened and now the world is my oyster - I am getting ready to jump into the void - just watch me.
  9. newby
    So Charlotte, When are you taking me to Prauge?? lol You always make me laugh - even when I am very low. I must have misread the thread on unconditional love. I used to think it did but not for a long time. I see too many hurt and abandoned women in my job, and I am now one of them. There are always conditions, but as I said in the previous post, not when it comes to your kids. They can behave appalingly but the mother still loves them. It is dull, cold a rainy today - great weather for the depressive!!
  10. newby
    Hi there, I knew you were a celt! I swear you have a double here. You sound in a good place. Getting your life sorted. Good for you. I feel very revengeful, I know it isnt right but after such a betryal I could do him and her serious harm. I am in the acceptance stage of this though and now just want all the mess sorted out, the house, the money etc. The I will be free to live as I please, even though I did not choose this I think I will be OK.
  11. newby
    Hi everybody, Just reading back on the threads and a few things came to mind. 1. Blue boy - Bangkok - Dont even think about it!! Are you mad? All those unstable hormones!! 2. Unconditional love. I agree with Igirl. Unless it is your child love is always conditional. Conditional on if I love you , you will not cheat, lie etc. Even towards a parent I think love is conditional, but somehow not towards your child. 3. Warmastoast, dumping is never well timed is it? But particularly hard at such a sentimental time as Christmas. And I am beginning to think I will never see Prauge. (sigh) 4. Violet, I am overwhelmed by the feeling of abandonment even though I ended the relationship - due to his infidelity and unreasonable behaviour I hasten to add. I hate that I feel abandoned. I want to feel good and confident and level headed and sane again!
  12. newby
    Call her!! She needs to feel you want to make that contact. Next time you speak to her say to her, "ring me or text me if you fancy meeting up", then its up to her. Good Luck
  13. newby
    Way to go Blue boy. I was surprised I got away with Bastard too. I laughed so much when I saw what you put in your thread. Would love to know what was behind the asterix. Your ex's friend sound very unplesant. Sounds like she has her own agenda there. What is the story between the two of them? You sound stronger now, I think it has done you good to have that incident with the ex and the nasty pal. It has made you come out fighting. Go for it. We all will meet good people this year. I have already - on this site.
  14. newby
    Hi Igirl, I am so glad your New Year turned out better than you thought. I was listening to the news that day and was keeping my fingers crossed for you that the strike didnt happen. I am sorry you have been low since then. I suppose it is a time for reflection and also we have just gone through the most crappily sentimental time of the year. I have had a rough time in the past few days. I was disappointed in myself for feeling so low and tearful at new year because I had a little bit of optimism just before it. I was taken aback at how sad I felt on the day. I kept busy - my house has never been so clean. I packed up boxes - cried all the time. Kept finding sentimental little things, cards etc which he gave me and were filled with love. How can he just switch it off. He treats me now like he cant stand me. Today was bad, we had a very unpleasant phone call in which he told me he intends to try to re-establish his relationship with the mistress. "He deserves some happiness" Bastard!. I told him I had sent her a couple of letters outlining all his lies and devious behaviour. How he had been telling me he was wanting to save our marriage etc. Still making love to me and planning our future. She will be a weak fool if she takes him back. I cant believe just over a month ago this man was telling me how much he cared for me. Now he is a swine. He was not too happy when I told him about the letters. Hah! I also got carried away and was in a total rage and sent him some horrible texts. I also told him to stay away from our house and me. He was supposed to be coming on Thursday to sort stuff out but I told him to shove it. I feel today things have changed. The hollow numbness has gone and has been relaced by cold fury. As the song goes I intend to "wash that man right out of my hair" You never know what life has in store for you really do you? Chin up Igirl. New year, New beginning.
  15. newby
    Man it is such a pain in the * * * to have to deal with a break up at this time of year isnt it? I can't believe how cruel and stupid people can be. But for all of us going through this crap at this time of year Cheers and Good Luck for 2006 - nothing will ever feel this bad again and we have survived it!! Good for us. We are strong and good people and those that have harmed us will live to regret their weakness.
  16. newby
    Hi Blue boy, Sorry you had a crappy day at work as well as all this other stuff going on. You had such an early start too 5 am!! I have discovered that 5am is now my regular wake time. It is a though a timer switches on and I wake up at 5 am full of dread and head full of thoughts about my LCB (lying cheatin bstd)! I run through all sorts of horrible thoughts at that time, when they were together, WHAT THEY DID, was he calling her when we were on holiday, out with friends, when he was stitting at home looking fed up was he thinking of her while telling me he wanted us to be together. Was he thinking of her when we slept together etc etc etc. A total mental torture. Then I fall asleep again and get up too late and find myself in a state of inertia for the rest of the day. I tried to buck the trend today and got busy tidying up the house. Both my kids are students and have been home lots lately and there is something about students and the loss of the ability to ever tidy up!!! I did enjoy the time they were home though. I lounged around in my PJ's all day with them - normal life for them so they did't seem to notice. Alien to me but I did quite enjoy how easy it was to totally ignore housework, getting dressed eating properly etc etc. Maybe I will go back to uni as a mature student and live the life. I have considered working abroad for a year and in fact have looked into it. The job I do would easily facilitate a year away in NZ or OZ or Canada, or indeed the middle east in paid employment. If I could afford not to be paid for a year I would go to a third world country and do VSO or something like that but that is not an option. I need to earn a wage until all this is sorted out. I am getting a lot of family pressure to move back to my home town (near Newcastle), but I have had so much disruption and dont relish starting a new job at the moment. I like my job and at least that is one constant in my life. All the advice says try not to make too many life changing decisions in the first year after a serious loss so I will just deal with the house sale and finding a new place for the time being and keep my job going. What are you up to today, are you working again at 5am? How did you find New Year? I know you were struggling with the phone call. I did too - 25 years and no call from him. - he is a git. Did you just have a birthday? I noticed your age changed. If you did - many happy returns. You sound such a nice guy, there will be a good person for you someday. Keep the faith!! Bye for now.
  17. newby
    Hi SugarnNspice, This is so hard to deal with. I understand why you are a mess, he is either emotionally immature in that he thinks that phone call would not awaken feeling in you, or he is being just plain cruel. You were sorting your life out and getting strong again and he has derailed you -TEMPORARILY!!. Dont' give him any more power and just move on, it sounds like you were half way there already. Dont' let him ruin any more of your life. New Year New Beginning New Power
  18. newby
    Try to calm down, I know it all seems so serious when you are still under the influence but beklieve me it will seem less so once you have had some sleep.
  19. newby
    Posted my reply before I had finsished.(new to online correspondance and finding my feet, and a bit useless) . I too wake every day at 5 am without fail and I am already, on wakening thinking about the LCB (lying cheating bstd!). I am having such awful vivid dreams and I feel I never get a break from being hurt , upset, frightened, humiliated, betrayed, destroyed. Chris, you sound like a tower of strength even though you were hurt and are now questioning how you really felt about this woman, you sound as though you will get through this. Just wanted to say you have a double in Scotland - I worked with your exact physical double for a few years. It is uncanny how alike you are. Are your ancestors celtic? P.S. Your 4 points are spot on! The only hard thing is I feel so beaten down by this it is hard to have any motivation to do the basics. I have been in a state of inertia for a month. I am usually an active fit person, I go to the gym, do hill walking and swim etc. I am determined to get back to that. I need the endorphins - not the cheating husband!!
  20. newby
    Hi Chris, Wow, you sound so level headed in all of this turmoil. Good for you in being able to be so honest in your exploration of your feelings. I know how worrying and difficult it is when you are finacially tied to bills too, I am in a similar situation. No easy answer here other than to get a finacial adviser to watch your back. Good for you with the NC thing, I am reeling from my breakup and wish I had your strength not to call him. I try really hard to resist but usually end up phoning or texting only to be hurt when he is cold and dismissive,, and sounds totally unconcerned about me and the damage he has caused. (25 yrs - we were 19yrs when we got together, lived together 23 yrs, our 21st wedding anniversary on 15th Dec). He had an affair and I found out on 1st Dec. - Hell followed. I hope you are fine. These things are hell to deal with but I suppose people come through, I hope so anyway or else
  21. newby
    This is weird behaviour. He is hiding something form you and you should prepare yourself for the future and what may be revealed. I don't think you should trust this man. Get out while the going is good as they say. Trust your instincts and get away from this man. I know this seems harsh but you already had doubts about him - act upon them and save further heartache. Good Luck
  22. newby
    FeelingAfraid, This sounds an awful experience for you. You are doing such a good thing in supporting your work friend who is having a difficult time. Give yourself credit for that. You are going through hell and still strong enough to give a friend in need help. I am sorry, and this will sound hard but this bloke is a sleaze and you deserve much better. Get out of this relationship. Focus on what you need and want. Don't listen to his crappy excuses and get your life back on track. I don't know how long you will feel rotten. It's a rotten thing he has done, repeatedly- remember that. This time of year seems to accentuate pain in these difficult situations but we will all be stronger in a days time. In a weeks time we will be stronger again, and hell in a month we will be storming!!!"
  23. newby
    Hi again folks, Just home after my trip to Glasgow. Found it very hard saying goodby to my daughter as I could see she knew what I was feeling and tried to get me to stay with her. I found it so hard. I am trying to be a grown up and not put too much on my kids and don't think I am succeeding too well. I cried most of the M8, the Edinburgh By pass (which would make anyone cry in truth), and the last leg of the journey home. The house seems so empty and lonely. My old dog is trying to get my attention but to be honest I find it hard to give her any love at the moment. I called my big sis and one of my good friends and they did help a bit. I had a good swear which always helps I think and I am about to have a large brandy - medicinal I promise. I am going to have a mammoth house cleaning and clearing session tomorrow. I will start to pack up his stuff too. New start and all that!!! Blue boy do you think I should leave Prauge until I have someone special to go with? Although to be honest I cannot imagine ever leaving myself open to a relationship again. Do you think it is possible to trust emotionally again. Also wanted to say that no way are you damaged mentally. You speak so eloquently and sensitively about your experience, and you sound such a nice person. It is all relative really and you are just reacting to what life has thrown at you. Anyway its' not so bad to be just a little bit nuts sometimes. You asked me how my girls are coping with it all. I am so proud of the way they have dealt with all this and in how they have shown me such love and devotion. However their Dad seems to be extending his no-contact technique to them too. He has made little effort with them and they are starting to get very upset about it. I know he is shamefaced and keeping out of the way, he is also behaving like a huge coward and unable to face the damage. He was their hero before this. He had been a good husband and father and they loved him to bits. Yes of course they still love him but they don't like or respect him. I don't think he quite understands the depth of the damage he has done yet. I don't want my husband back, I know I could never live with his betrayal, trust or respect him, I could never make love to him again and I would question him every time he left the house, BUT I want him to try to win me back. My ego could do with the boost of telling him to go and shove it where the sun don't shine. I don't think I am going to get the chance though. I will be thinking of you both at midnight and tomorrow.
  24. newby
    Hi everyone, Is it two steps forward and three back in this game? I was feeling so potitive a couple of days ago and now I feel as bad as I did leading up to Christmas!! Feeling very tearful today and missing the lying cheating b~"*%!>d. He continues to cope with ease, to maintain the no contact thing! I think I am probably on a downer because I took my youngest daughter off to the airport yesterday - lucky thing has gone to Dublin for new year with her student pals, and today I am taking my other daughter back to Glasgow as she is going to a hogmanay gig for New Year with her mates. I am trying so hard not to become too dependant on them and I hope I have managed to project to them that I will be OK on my own but inside I feel like screaming. I am dreading being on my own. I know they are very hurt too and need to get back to some kind of normality again, so I am trying to be brave and paint on a smile. I was invited to family for new year but turned the offer down as I am feeling I have spent a lot of time with them over the holidays and don't want to outstay my welcome - (they would be mad at me if they read my last comment). I thought I would be fine, did't expect to feel this bad today. I too wondered if the forum may prolong the negative feelings. I cant decide yet and feel unable to analyze that just yet. All I can say is it allows me to let off steam and vent feelings I cannot express anywhere else. I always feel better after I have logged on and read the threads. Igirl - sorry to hear bout the killer PMS. Worst timing. Hope it settles soon. We will get through this, but it is hellish hard isn't it? I must go as I am driving up to Glasgow. No doubt I will be spending New Year at enotalone.
  25. newby
    Hi Igirl, Didn't mean to sound stuffy about taking part in the threads. I am new to this online correspondance and unsure of the etiquette. I do feel a little bit addicted to it now tho. It just makes me feel so much better and that I am not alone in this. Your story mirrors mine in so many ways. The ovenight change from a nice caring guy to a cold callous nasty deceitful liar. I agree with you about the platitudes although I even find myself using them. Yes I will be strong again, Yes I will get through this, Yes he will regret it one day (I hope). I just wish it had not happened in the first place and I had my husband back intact and untouched by the hand of the other woman. People keep asking me if I am angry yet, and when I say no I just feel dead inside and so very very sad, they then say oooh it will come and then he will have to watch out. Maybe then I will give him the slap in the kisser - or take your lead and get in some boxing training. I am sorry you are feeling bad about New Year. Before I had my kids this was my favorite celebration too but since the kids I got out of the way of it. What are your plans - any chance of the posh hotel again. That sounded fantastic. I plan to be in my house with a good film on TV, a nice wine and cosy up by the fire with my dog. Both my girls will be out on the town painting it very red I should imagine. The cities I have first on my list of places to see are Prauge and Rome. Then we will see, worlds my oyster as they say. I sent the lying cheating husband a letter today. I took my time and was very careful in what I said to have the maximum impact. He won't listen to me and seems to have a magnetic field around him resisting any human emotion so I put it in writing. I hope he reads it because I put in a lot of home truths. Maybe I was wrong to do it but it gave me some satisfaction as I put that letter in the post box. I have also spoken to a financial adviser and have an appointment with a solicitor next week. The system is different her in Scotland to the States. Solicitors are expensive but not as extortionate as they sound over there. I think I need someone fighting my corner. I hate all of this and wish it did not have to be so but life just kicks you right in the pants sometimes. We will get through New Year just as we did Christmas. Being a total child about the festive season all my life I never understood how some people find it a difficult time. Boy do I understand now.
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