feelingafraid

I feel for you totally. I just went through the same thing with my bf, he left though, I asked him to due to having sex with phone sex operators. It kind of puts a damper on your sex life when you are going through this, particularily if lying is involved. My bf always had an air of "you are crazy" or "aren't you being a bit paranoid" when I dared to ask him if he was back to the porn. He began to sexualize everything around him, situations that are everyday became sexual, his bottom line was always a sexual comment no matter what we talked about he would always manage to turn it into something pointing towards that. Right around the time the phone sex thing was going on looking back in time, I remember him thinking the STarbuck's girl at the drive through was talking sexually to him (just asking him how he wanted his coffee) It's not like the porn was a casual occasion for him, he always behaved differenltly when he was doing it. It can cause some problems in a relationship I believe. Good luck to you. I am bitter tonight and gonna "sleep it off" I know things will get better with time.

I guess I feel bad. Our sex life had taken a big dive particularily 1.5 years ago when I found him doing some porn (also lying about it etc). Anyhow, I only like to have sex about every 10 days or so, my sex drive has declined, but at some point last year, I began having sex with him mainly to keep him from doing porn or feeling overwelmingly deprived. I can actually go days without feeling like doing it. I feel like maybe I did contribute somehow to our problem. He said he wanted sex 1-2 times a week, I told him with both of our schedules (he works night/I work day) and me being exhausted when I come home it was hard on me to "perform" twice a week, because that is what it started feeling like. Anhow, I know the month that he did the phone sex that he wasn't deprevied the whole month and I was getting tired of being leered at every time I made a move (even me using the bathroom would get turned into some sort of sexual moment for him) if I happened to not shut the door when I was in the bathroom. I began fearing taking off my clothes, it seemed he was always watching, waiting for the right moment to pounce on me. I am disguested even talking about it. Why do I even care. Time will do us some good apart - if even just ends us. After writing I see where maybe I should have been alittle more accoomodating but I am extremely exhausted after work and i actually like to build my sex drive up and that seems to work for me and I get more enjoyment out of it if I do this. He just was resentful that I needed to build my sex drive up. Who knows, I'm jsut rambling now.

I'll pray for you tonight. Sorry I can't think of anything else to say now. Years later I swore I would never go through another breakup again and here I am and it always is so hard to get through. Take care, Lisa

I made it through today ok, I like the advice I have been reading. I did pretty good, text messages (3 of them but aside from that I was able to not call). I left my cell phone at home so that I wouldn't be tempted throughout the day. His theme still remains the same: He wants to make sure I haven't told anyone why we split up, and if he feels i did he wants to make sure that I remembered to tell them that are sex life was strained over the past 1.5 years. This is all about me supossedly not sleeping with him enough so that he wouldn't have to resort to phone sex with women. Whatever. I just went to work, we are doing a bridal show this weekend and am pretty side tracked with that. This whole job of mine really cracks me up dealing with the brides and all......

I feel strangly allright this morning. So we'll see how my day goes, I liked waking up today by myself. He is probably on his way home from work heading over to his new couch at a friend's house to lay his head down. Thanks for the advice

"I can't believe this....How could you do this to us? Get the **** Out!! ........Please don't leave me!!!" Lisa, Seattle AKA "feelingafraid" Above conversation came flying out of my mouth trying to figure out what I wanted to do about latest find (credit card receipt to phone hooker) Please read about splitup on New Year's eve if you're interested in our scenario. Anyhow, I spit all that out at once, and this is how my mind has been reeling all day long. ++++++++++++++++++++++++ Next Morning Check in with my Mind & Emotions: We are now living apart (separated if you will) and after reading the post this morning in a different section about couples living apart, I really don't know what the **** we are doing. No rules, no talking about what we expected to get out of this, actually I think it is over. No plan to this separation for us. What is so funny is that everyone is single at my job, I work at a catering company, and basically I spend a lot of my day helping brides plan their weddings. Drinking coffee this morning realizing we are all single up at my company, just gave me a sick (slightly crazed) laugh this morning.!!!!!

The last person I wanted to call up today was "him". But there I sat, desparate (having just talked to 3 friends back-to-back on my phone) I have friends checking in on me, encouraging that I made the right decision, congratulating me on holding healthy boundaries. I hang up the phone and call him - he is trying to tell me he will call me tomorrow and I freak out and go all menal and begin to cry. Not the strong person I want to portray myself to be. I have been literally holding down my stomache today as I have been extremely anxious and panic stricken. I just want to get this split up over with. He also is not making any effort to get his things out of this house. I am making it hard on both of us, I am so mad yet so hurt and have very little restraint in what I say. In one breath I might be asking him how could he do this to us, the next "get out" the next "dont leave me" etc!!!! At this point I am trying to make fact based moves, not emotionally charged He basically cheated on me through calling phone sex operators (paid some big money on them throughout the holidays) I am feeling pathetic for not hating him actually.Sorry to blow so much steam on your post. I am feeling freaked out tonight.

Nauseated, anxious, at one point panic stricken. I feel like such a loser for still having strong feelings over someone who would take our relationship and just mangle it with his phone calls to these women. I am bouncing back and forth between anger over the money spent, to feeling desperate and actually called him sounding like a pathetic loser. I feel like i let myself down today. Why would I even care over someone who has betrayed me like this is the question I ask myself tonight. I'll get through this somehow. I didn't tell one of my best friends when she called to check on me tonight that I had broken my own code and called him. I didn't want to let her down. My friends that do know what has happened are pretty angry at this person. We are both in recovery from drug addiction also ( I have 3 years clean on January 14th, he is going on 7 years off drugs) so they all think that he is a jerk. Part of me feels bad for saying anything in my outbursts I have managed to tell quite a few people. I am sure that he had to be seeing prostitutes also if he was paying someone over the phone for phone sex. I am just confused and feel I have let myself down today.

Thanks. I am sitting here in Seattle - He just left 2 hours ago. I asked him to. I have to have some boundaries. I was trying to stretch out his leaving until February when we could afford it, but all his lies are showing up on a daily basis (he went off the deep end with porn/phone sex opertors and God knows what else in November). I can't trust him and he is blaming me for all this. I have been dealing with a porn addict and feeling guilty over having some boundaries and asking him to leave and I am going through some financially worrisome times over enforcing my boundaries. My 2 dogs are sitting here looking at me too. What sucks for me, in a totally unrelated incident, somebody stole my car the other day when I was at work from the parking lot. I am without a car now to. I feel cheated this week, this is definetly not a good time for me. I am a recovering addict also, and will celebrate 3 years clean in 2 weeks. I will get through this. Thanks for the inspiration.

As he packed his stuff today he wanted a kiss goodbye, I told him you already kissed me goodbye when you picked up that phone last month and proceeded with that woman. I'll get through this, I wish I could think straight though so i could work on my budget this afternoon.

I feel raw, afraid, financially stapped, betrayed, angry, let down, stupid, taken, etc. After 3 years of dealing with porn, lies, promises, etc. I came accross a credit card bill entailing many charges to a phone sex operator. I also feel guilty. He keeps on saying "We can get through this" I'm sorry, it will never happen again. ETC. I work days, he works nights, I got sick of wondering what he was doing when I was at work, and wondering what he was doing when I was at home. I feel Broken Right now. To top it off, I had my car stolen when I was at work the other day, so I am also on foot now until I can afford another one. Having sex with him was pretty difficult over the past year with all of the lies involved, so he told me that was the reason. HIs lack of a normal sex drive drove him to do all of this. I have a manager at my job who is going through breast cancer and double masectomy this week and I don't have the option of anything less than 100% at work this week, so I am trying to function now. He's been gone for 2 hours now. HOw long will I feel rotten? Thanks.