bsp_kjm

hmmm well i just read a couple other threads about people having coworkers flirt with them and im thinking that maybe i should just pretend nothing happened...

As some of you have read, my ex broke up with me over a month ago and I've been healing since then. Ive been doing a lot better these last couple days. sorry if i posted this in the wrong section. Several nights ago, my coworkers were getting together to play a lil game of poker. They invited me so I decided to swing by for a lil while to help get my mind off things. When I got there, I was surprised to find, oh, lets call her "Amy", one of my coworkers who NEVER gets out of her house unless she's at work. A lil background on "Amy". I've gotten to know her pretty well these last 3 years from conversations at work, but we have never hung outside of work. She is several years older than me and in an abusive relationship with a guy who sleeps around behind her back and has a kid with him, but apparently hates his guts and is only with him because he supports her financially, at least thats she tells all of us at work. She's had a rough life (mother died when she was young, has tried committing suicide several times, went through drug rehab). Shes a very nice and attractive gal, but has very low self-esteem and constantly belittles herself. Anyways, she was at this lil get-together and sat next to me at the poker table. I won a couple hands and told her she was my good luck. Every time I won, she'd give me a high-five. When I lost (which was often), she'd slap me on the top of my thigh. After awhile, she started leaving her hand on my thigh. When I'd rest my hand on my lap, she suddenly started grabbing it and holding it. I didnt really think anything of it since I was having a good time with my coworkers, but I did notice it. She then grabbed my free hand and held it in her lap. It was awkward, but since none of my other coworkers could see it, I didnt really mind. It was sorta nice to get some attention. She asked me to step outside with her for a moment so she could smoke a cig. We went outside and she started telling me how much she liked my car. She asked if she could sit inside it and I opened it up so she could. We both got inside since it was cold as hell outside. She started telling me how my ex didnt deserve me, I could find someone better, and other things along those lines. She also mentioned that she was thinking of leaving her bf. She then told me that she always had a thing for me and wished that she was single so she could ask me out. I was a bit shocked and didnt really know what to say, so I just told her that Ive always thought she was a very nice person. As I turned my face towards her to ask if she wanted to go back inside the house, she suddenly began kissing me full on the lips. I was taken aback and pulled away. She frowned and asked, "dont you think I'm attractive?" I answered, "well, yes...but you have a boyfriend and we are coworkers, plus, well, I'm still in love with my ex!" She replied with, "screw my bf and screw your ex, they dont care about us," and started kissing me again. I dont know why, but I returned the kiss. She started unzipping my pants, but I stopped her. She gave me a look of confusion then announced that we should go back inside the house. When we got inside, we both had a couple cans of beer as we continued playing poker. As we played, she started grabbing my crotch under the table and everytime, I'd move her hand away. She asked me to step outside with her again so she could smoke and I did. When we got outside, she literally jumped on me and said, "lets check out the backseat of my jeep." I didnt know how to react since I was very nervous, so I laughed. She got mad and went back inside. I have to admit that I am attracted to her, but I am still in love with my ex and I could not bring myself to mess around with someone else. We played poker a lil longer, and she drank more. I could tell she was buzzing and she was getting more aggressive with her "flirting." She asked me to walk her to the bathroom, so I did and she whispered in my ear, "f*** me in my jeep right now, I know you want to." I didnt say anything and returned to the poker table. At the table, she kept whispering more things in my ear about having sex with her, just with other "choice" words. My coworkers were starting to catch on to what was happening and started giving me a hard time. Amy suddenly blurted out, "so what if I wanna f*** him, I have needs too!" and everyone started laughing. She then asked me to go outside and have a smoke with her. We stepped outside and she tried dragging me to her jeep while saying, "you know you want to handle me, i want you and you want me, lets do this, we both need it." A lil part of me wanted to, but a bigger part of me didn't. I went back inside and Amy was pissed off the rest of the night. She drank more and started puking. One of our coworkers had to drive her home. The next day I saw her and she was very very mad at herself but she meant what she said about my ex not deserving me. Niether of us brought up what happened the night before except the topic of her puking. I'm a bit confused because I'm finding myself more attracted to her, but I think it may be because my emotions have been running wild lately due to my ex dumping me last month. Am I just feeling this attraction because she came on to me and I liked the attention? Should I approach her about the things she told me (having a thing for me, wanting to ask me out, etc) or should I just pretend like nothing happened? I mean damn, she has a bf and kid! Maybe I should just keep myself away from this whole mess. I had to get that off my shoulders... thanks for reading...

thanks kellbell. like u suggested, im taking everything she says as BS until she finally tells me "lets work things out." but at the same time, like u mentioned, I really need to think about what she did to me, the lies she told me, and the secrets she kept. do i even want to take her back? yes, but at the same time, i may be only hurting myself further by taking her back. i would never trust her again or see her the same way. a lot to ponder on. and again, i want to thank you for helping me through all this. it means so much to me!!!

wow things are just getting weirder... i was keeping NC yesterday, got an email from her telling me to please call her, she's sorry for how much she's hurt me, and she loves me and misses me with all of her heart. Then she called 3 times throughout the day. Then I was online around midnite, she left me another email telling me to turn on my cell phone. I turned it on and got a voicemail telling me that she might come down this weekend from school and wanted to go out for dinner, a movie, and a couple drinks. She said "I love you so much and miss you so bad, please talk to me," several times throughout the voicemail. She then brought up an old memory from about a year ago when we went to dinner and a movie and we got soaked because a storm rolled in and ruined our fancy clothes. She told me how mad she was that night but that she didnt say anything because she loved me and didnt want to hurt my feelings. Then she talked about one of our past "sexual experiences" and how good it was and how much she misses it and maybe something can happen this weekend if we go on the date. Then she suddenly sounded very mad and said, "fine, if you dont wanna talk to me, at least have the courtesy to pick up and tell me!" then she hung up. I'm flippin out here. Its almost as if NC is starting to get to her, drive her a bit more krazy, or she was just having a very lonely night and wanted some attention. More NC today

well she called and i picked up and pretty much told her that i still love her and want to be with her, but that i just dont think its good to be friends and to have contact. She got very hurt and mad and was like, "I cant believe I'm losing a friend." I told her that I still want her in my life, but just being friends hurts me and she has to understand. She first said "fine, I understand, I'll honor your wishes, but I'm still gonna email and txt you." I told her no contact at all, so she got very mad and told me to just cut all ties with her for good and there would be no chance of us getting together ever again if I do it. Then she said, "Now we're back at square 1! gawd and I thought things were getting better!" then she hung up on me. now I feel worse

kellbell, thanks for sticking with me through this thread. i agree that i should make it about me and not her. i just dont really know how to go about telling her...

She called again yesterday, just once. No voicemail. Then she sent me an email telling me to "pick up your f^ckin phone." Got a txt msg from her this morning telling me good morning and she'd call later after class... hmmmm... Told my MFT counselor about the situation and she told me that it sounds like my ex is trying to call the shots and see if I give in to them. She said its like she's trying to see if she can pull my strings and I should set my "boundaries." She suggested that I contact the ex and tell her something along the lines of, "Look, I love you and miss you, but you want your space away from me, so I think we should only have contact once a week (or two weeks or month) so you can have your space." I'm thinking of doing it, just dont really know how the ex will react. I sorta like that she calls or txts or emails me, makes me feel like she's missing me and its killing her that she cant get a hold of me. I just dont want to push her further away... hmmmm

thanks, im trying

she called me 6 times yesterday. i was tripping out. didnt pick up any of them. then she sent me a txt saying, "are you trying to make me suffer cuz i think you are".

funny thing is she was probably the most mature and organized person I knew up to these last couple weeks...

thank you!

Too true. NC is the hardest thing for me to do at this point. I really dont want to do it, but I know that it would be best, even though the EX said it was only pulling us further apart. I just want to be with her. Even though I was feeling tortured and confused yesterday while with her, I felt very happy at the same time I wanted to thank the both of you for taking the time to read my post and respond. I appreciate it...

at first i thought she was seeing someone else, but im not exactly sure anymore. thanks for taking the time to read my thread. Im going to try NC and see what happens...

excellent post. Regretfulman, if you have a chance, I'd really like to get your insight on my current situation ( thanx

I know a few of you have followed my posts in the Breaking Up and Healing After Break-Up sections, and I've got some great advice from all of you, so please dont be disappointed in me after this post. I went against a lot of people's advice and saw my ex these past couple days. I hadnt seen her for over 3 weeks and I had kept NC for almost a full 2 weeks straight before she sent me an email, card, and txt on the 23rd. This past wednesday, the ex's sisters invited me to a movie. I decided to go since none of my friends were around and I wanted to get out of the house. We saw that Harry Potter movie, and went to a couple stores afterwards. It was great hanging out with them, they are very kool kids. When we got back to their house, the ex was there, back from college for Thanksgiving weekend. In my mind and heart, a voice told me that I had to see her. So even though the advice from all of you and my friends was running through my head, I walked into the house and saw the ex. She gave me a hug and said it was nice to see me. We chatted a bit about what had been going on in our lives lately and then all the questions I had been asking myself about our situation flooded to the front of my mind. I ended up telling her that I felt she wasnt being completely honest with me about the break up. The ex told me that she loved me, was still in love with me, and missed me everyday, but there were so many factors in her life that were making her stressed that she just couldnt deal with a relationship anymore. She stated that she didnt feel she could "give the time and love a relationship demands." She also said that she didnt want to "be bound by the restraints of a relationship." I asked her what she meant by this and she said she didnt want to have to "worry about pleasing someone 24/7" and "wanted some freedom to do what she wants." I asked what she wanted to do that needed her to not be "bound" by a relationship. She couldnt anwer. I asked if she wanted to see other guys, she said no. She just wanted a friendship with me, to not feel compelled to have to call me every morning and night or to have to see me every week. She just wanted time and space to focus on other things. I told her that if she wanted time and space, that I would just not talk to her anymore like the past couple weeks. She didnt want that because she felt NC was only pushing us further apart. She just wanted less contact and only as friends, which meant no physical contact, no signs of affection, no hugging, kissing, pet names, cute words, etc. I asked if there was a chance of us getting back together down the road. She said she didnt know, that time could only tell. I asked if she was trying to get over me, and she said no. After the talk, I left. Thanksgiving went by, got a call from her that night just saying goodnight. Told me she loved me and missed me and she'd call the next morning. Friday, no calls or txts all day. Right before I got out of work that night, she left me a txt msg asking me to come over and watch a movie with her. I hung out with some friends and then went over to her house. I acted like nothing was bothering me, called her "buddy" (I only call my friends that) and didnt try to make any physical contact with her. She was sitting on the other end of the couch and several times reached over with one of her feet and rubbed it against mine. The movie we were watching was a lame musical and there were a couple times I got up and started dancing all goofy with one of her sisters. One of those times, the ex got up and gave me a huge hug and kiss on the cheek. I played it off like it didnt matter to me. I laid down on the couch and the ex ran her hand through my hair and put an arm on me. It got pretty late so I ended up crashing in my room that I have at her house. She laid in the bed with me and foolishly, I held her as we laid there. Maybe it was because I was half-asleep and I missed her so bad, but I kissed her a couple times on the cheek and she just smiled. She ran her fingers through my hair and called me by my pet names. I told her I didnt want her doing this stuff out of sympathy for me or guilt, and she said she would never do that. Then she got up and went to her room. The next day (yesterday), when she got dressed, I told her she was beautiful, and she told me not to tell her that kind of stuff since I wasnt her boyfriend anymore. She also said to never speak of any of our sexual experiences together and to never refer to anything about her that regarded anything sexual. she informed me that she had to go visit her grandmother with her family. She told me I had to leave. As I was leaving, her mother and aunt asked me to come along to breakfast with them. I told them that maybe it wasnt the best idea, but the ex said it was fine with her. On the drive to the resteraunt, I brought up old memories of a time we went to a beach. She got very mad and told me to not talk about the old times. We arrived at the resteraunt where I sat with her and her sisters. She held my hand under the table and would rub my stomach or touch the tip of my nose with her finger. She even leaned into me and rested her head on my shoulder. After breakfast, her family suggested going shopping at some stores half an hour away. The ex asked me to come along. So we all drove over there, went to Target, where the ex placed her arm around my waist, and then put her hand in my rear pants pocket. I gave her an odd look and she said, "I can still do this," and smiled. I shrugged. Inside the store, we were looking at greeting cards and she unexpectedly gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek and thanked me for hanging out with her. I got a couple txt msgs from friends on my cell, and she asked me who I was talking to, but then said, "nevermind, I shouldnt care anymore, you're just my friend." That bugged me a lil. She actually said that on several occasions, like when I had mentioned that I had seen an old friend of ours, she asked, "Where were you when you saw him... wait, nevermind, I dont care where you go, we arent together." At the next store, we ran into one of her distant cousins whom I had never met. She didnt introduce me to him. Her sisters said she was rude for not introducing me, and she said, "well, I dont know what to introduce you as." I told her just introduce me as a friend. We ran into one of her old teachers a lil while later and she introduced me as her boyfriend. She then told me that when others ask about us, we should just refer to eachother as boyfriend and girlfriend still since it is "just easier." She then held my hand as we walked around the next store. We finally went to another store where she picked out some clothes for me to try on. I tried them on and she couldnt stop telling me how hot I was and that she "wanted to jump my bones" right then and there. She then scolded herself for thinking like that. I tried on a jacket and she gave me a really goofy look, like the one you see on tv when a character falls in love with someone on first sight. I jokingly asked her, "Falling in love with me all over again?" and she replied with, "What are you talking about, I am in love with you! You are the love of my life." I didnt know how to react. I tried on some more clothes and she told me she was horny for me. Then she planted a big kiss on my lips, smiled, and said, "you should come over tonight" while winking. I asked if she was being serious. She frowned and said, "no, I need my space, remember?" So confusing. She then bought me $80 worth of clothes because she wanted me to wear them around her next time we hung out. I reminded her that she didnt need to buy me these clothes since she wasnt going to be home from school for another month to see me in them and that she needed her "space" from me, and she said that she would try to come next week just to see me. I finally realized I had to leave for work and informed her. She gave me a hug and said to have a good drive. She called me 3 times later while I was at work. One to thank me for hanging out with her, one to inform me that she bought me another sweater and left it at her house for me, and a third wishing me a good nite and she'd call the next morning (today). Now its today and I havent heard from her at all. I really dont know what to make of this situation. One moment she is telling me we are not together, that she needs her space, and not to show any sort of affection for eachother at all, then the next minute she is acting like nothing has changed. Can anyone interpret what is going on here? Is this situation the old "she wants her cake and to eat it too?" Am I reading too much into this? Is she doing all of this out of sympathy or guilt? I'm tripping out and I dont know whats going on. Can anyone help me? Thanks for reading this insanely long and boring post!

her family did nothing bad to you. i say send the card.

martha, ilse has the best advice for ya in this situation. like ive told you in our msgs, I'm just like you. i would base my agenda around my ex's. i would never make plans with others because I wanted to leave time open to plan stuff with her. now that i look back, i wish i had done the things with my friends that came up instead of blowing them off to make time for the ex. keep yourself busy, gal! i know you wanna spend your time with ur bf, but you gotta make an agenda of your own that is just for you. keep strong

excellent post

standtall and bigbilly, i am going through the same thing. only reason i get up sometimes is to check this website or when i have to go to work

yes and it sucks

unless you have proof that she is cheating on you, dont confront her about it. My ex of almost 3 years went on several trips to Mexico with her family, and she was usually gone for about 3 weeks. Due to being cheated on in the past in other relationships, I was always paranoid when my gf was gone for such long periods of time. I look back now and wish I hadnt been so paranoid. Dont let the paranoia get to you man, it only drives them away.

its so true. my ex contacted me last night, telling me that she misses me and to have a good nite. she also said she'd call in the morning. here i am, cell phone in hand, waiting like a dog for her call. im so pathetic! dont let it happen to you!

thanks folks, i needed the reality check.