buba

Dear Maria, How long it's been since he left? frisco, you're so right about cycles... See? yesterday was a lot better than today... My sadness is such a familiar state...in general. I am aware of those cycles...awareness brings change..... Thanks for your support. I am glad to have you.

somebloke, Thanks for your resonance. All I can say is: I hope it will last.... praying for piece of mind...

strange, isn't it? I really think I got my closure. amasing....I was daydreaming about him still missing me...now I am faced with reality,and today it doesn't hurt. A few insults after two years of ignorance... All of a sudden, I don't have any more questions...it's done. Now I can stop daydreaming and really MOVE ON... See? I guess, as painful as it was....it helped me understand that I spent two years daydreaming and missing someone who is not capable to even say Hi....kinda cool actually. Yyyyyyyyyyessssssssss! I think he is history. Today is a good day...I hope it will last. I hope you don't mind me posting here...it helps with a progress.

look at the astronaut and what she did for love... i never went to that extent, but i can surely say i understand her obsession... know im praying for you... beebee beebee, Thanks for your prayers...

frisco, it does make me feel a bit stronger...to vent and to be understood and heard by a bunch of wonderful and caring strangers... And hearing him laugh while she was insulting me brought me closure. I should just say that I loved him enough to let him hate me. strange...I was missing him terribly just a few days ago...today is different...I am done missing him..funny, he is 6.7 tall, but to me he is no bigger than an insect...disquisting, dangerous kind...the one that can crawl under your skin and eat your heart out...bit by bit...I am sick of it all...some of us have to go through this torture... In order to learn and grow...in order to appreciate "the good". I will overcome the shame...of course it's there...it was wrong to call after all this healing and work I've done... But i got my closure. And I needed it.

there is no mystery to it, frisco. not nesessarily low self esteem( there are plenty of really hot women that get involved with raging jerks). I lived it. Hated it, but always thought that I could make the difference and stop the abuse... Well, love to me was "pain"...it's what I knew since I was a little girl. Trying to help/save my mom from her alcoholism for years...till she died from it last year. I felt betrayed. So, I married "HER". My ex was just like her...rude, addicted, cold, full of lies, but extremely charming and funny when he chose to be. When he chose to be....And it was sooooooooooo familiar, frisco. With his departure I felt betrayed, just like I felt with my mom's death. How come? I couldn't make a difference? Oh, well.... I know that I got to UNLEARN my old behavior/patterns... the ones that are wired in the lymbic system of my brain......oh, i know. I am finally sick and tired of being sick and tired...I really want a change. I can't afford to fall in love with another jerk. I want kindness. Oh, I think I finally know how to appreciate it.... and it's a process...painful one. Cause it's not what I know. And it's not my fault. It's just my learned behavior, it's what was modeled to me for years...it's what "love" was...love was supposed to hurt. Pretty messed up, isn't it? So, there is no mystery to it. If I grew up in a nurturing home, I would of had a different set of ideals....i know, kinda sad. We really have to clean up the mess that our parents created...if we wanna be happy. I am a magnet for abusive man. I still got a lot of work to do in order not to pick up 'projects" any longer,-men that need to be saved....men that live with their moms at 35(my ex), play x-box, sit on the couch and smoke weed 24/7 while I am working towards my PH.D. See? He has incomplete AA degree and I am working on my PH.D., and it doesn't mean anything.....he still managed to turn me into a zero. Even a minus, heh...and I am still dwelling in this s**t. Pretty pathetic. thanks mom... I think , somewhere deep inside he knows that he is a loser...after all, I was paying the bills (just like his mom), heh...I told him that I am not going to do it any longer. He needs to get his s**t together and start being a partner...I set my boundaries. Abusers hate boundaries! It's all about control and power OVER someone, which is different from real power. Boundaries? I'll show you! I will cut you off like you never existed. I'll show you! Abusers are usually Borderline and they put you on a golden pedestal...but when they knock you off that pedestal, you become yesterday trash. In a second. There is no remorse. Ever! Just hatered. Coldblooded hatered. And it lasts till the very end.... Yes, it hurts me as a woman who gave and gave and cared and carried his child...it hurts me. And this is who I chose to love and marry! I know, pretty sick on my part. I want to scream at myself...Get a life! Look who managed to steal my heart? An angry loser, an addict, momma's boy! Buba!!!!!! Get a life! You waisted two years hurting over this piece of s**t! wonder if his present girlfriend who insults me over the phone lets him get away with the abuse,..cause it's not going anywhere. trust me, it's not going anywhere...she will become yesterday's trash someday...and than another victim would be on a golden pedestal...for a while....till he knocks her off that pedestal and turns her into trash. It's his only power. Such low life, miserable soul...hiding under his momma's skirt and borrows her brain...well, she has none. I needed to vent. Sorry. I f***ing called and gave him the luxury of knowing that I miss him still....after two years...and he loved it! And he gave the phone to his girlfriend (to hurt me more)...and she called me degrading names...and I heard him laugh on the background... And it worked. The sword entered my heart again...it worked. He feels like God now...his omnipotence comes from inflicting pain on me...he Ballooooons as I shrink...he is a Big guy...he managed to F**k me over...he is on a mission.... Well, it's a lesson for me. F**k him! Sorry for swearing but madness is better than pain. I really thought that enough time had passed for him to at least have a conversation with me...heheheh.....what was I thinking!

Gottaletitburn, it has a lot to do with our learned behavior...as a child I saw distraction, alcoholism, abuse... You think love is pain...it's familiar...like a pair of old comfy shoes. Pain isn't love. It shouldn't be. Takes a lot of work to change the pattern.... I am willing to do the work. Those painful relapces along the way are common, I guess. It's not easy.

friscodj, you just made my night... A colossal piece of ***t, ha? Perfect description! And, yes, my anger stems from taking this giant step back after doing so well...not calling during the Holidays, Valentines, etc... The good thing is, after this phone call I realised that he is the same old, raging, ignorant indifferent, pain inflicting creature...yes, creature. It;s been a loooong time since he left and somehow I thought he might have regrets, misses me...heheh...aaah, so naive on my part. Now I know for sure. He doesn't give a damn! Gotta stop daydreaming! wake up, it's been two years...well, absense doesn't make the heart grow fonder...not in my book.And this is my closure. Really is.

Feeling more content today. Has anyone been in an abusive relationship and suffered abuser's departure for as long as I do? I feel ashamed for calling...I was doing so much better... are those relapses of pain common? Even after you feel strong ? and the shame...now he knows that I am still hurting...after two years. Oh, well....can't reverse that, right? You're so right about N.C! Works wonders! I just needed another kick in the teeth...I asked for it... He could enjoy my misery, heh...and, trust me, he is thrilled! My pain is his pleasure... F**k him! Aaaaah! I am really angry now. Sorry for swearing...I know you understand.

Thank you guys for validating my feelings. This place (ENA) is wonderful. Will see my therapist today, will ask for different antidepressant.....aaaahhhh, If I can only go back a few days... Before I called him... Who cares any more. It's done. Her words " you're f***ing old" are ringing in my head... This world is full of evil. Gotta be tough to survive.

Friscodi, thanks...I needed your advice. You're right...may be I needed another kick in the teeth...my anxiety was growing and I even thought that he might be missing me as much as I do...now I know just how he DOESN"T. I am ashamed for being so naive and for calling him....He is full of hate. sometimes I wander why he demonstrates his relationship with such pride, puts her on the phone...gosh, why such punishment? O.K., he doesn't love me and he moved on and he never wanted a child...well, at least have some respect for me, without such brutal punishment...he needs to hurt, hurt, hurt me.....and then some more. I wasn't the one who left him...what did I do to create such hatred? When he filed for divorce,(after i set my boundaries) I asked for nothing in return, even though he always promised to pay me back one day...he barely ever worked and had a $600 a month weed habit, whenever he did work a bit (as a bartender), it will go towards his weed and I will be taking care of the rest of the bills. if i brought it up, he would say;"well, you lived alone before me, right? how is it different financially? i moved in with you...you're still at the same house!" yes, i know...pretty sick. i guess, love is really blind, heh... I wander if he filed for divorce to punish me for not willing to put up with his habit, cause after I responded to his divorce papers, he was supposed to file one final paper to finish it. He never did. Six months later I asked him to finish it...he didn't. So I went ahead and finished it myself. wonder if he was just messing with my head, wanted some control...wonder if my actions (finishing up what he started) made him furious..., took away the control. Otherwise, why such hate?

They say a divorce, especially a bad one, it takes about 7 years to truly get over it. It can certaintly differ depending on each individual case, but you are doing fine. You are normal, and things WILL get better. 7 years...I guess five more for me...seven years of misery? I am not sure I can last that long if I feel this way...

Thanks for your support, as always... I have plenty of books on abusive relationships. I know the cycle of abuse...honeymoon/heart and flowers stage( ohhh, so sweet!), build up anger stage...Explosion!!!!, back to remorse and honeymoon stage..... and, yes, I am a product of a broken home ( mom died of alcoholism a year ago after 35 years of drinking). I have no family in the US. His mother(who drinks and gambles a lot) was a mother I always wanted to have. as sick as it is, we bonded in the beginning and I even invited her to travel with us to foreign countries, cause I liked her. I had no idea that she was competing with me from the very start...I was taking her precious son away from her...He even admitted to me once that his mother hates me and he doesn't want to hurt her. I know what you're thinking. It's sick. He left me after I refused to pay all the bills alone, heh. He found another. She calls me disguisting bi**h, she calls me old...she knows which buttons to push. He manages to hurt me through her insults. His punishment is brutal. I guess he found her while I was pregnant. why did I call him last night? I managed to keep n/c for a year.... I hurt again. There was never " I am sorry"on his part. I even had to drive myself to the hospital to get an abortion...I had to pay for it....he never called to find out if I was O.K. I sent him a huge busket of roses a day after our divorce was final. His mother was wearing white dress at our divorce hearing. He wore the same suit he was wearing for our wedding. Pathetic. I know. I guess he is happy with his girlfriend, whoever she is.I heard him laugh last night while she was insulting me....my pain is his pleasure. I do have a therapist. Nothing seems to erase the damage....I married him till death do us part. I loved him. I used to watch him sleep for hours...I have never loved anyone as deeply. He used to tell me that his love for me was never going to change...he wrote cards thanking havens for a beautiful wife like me... I wanted his baby...I regret listening to his mother. Why am I being hated like this? who cares anymore. I picture him holding her like he used to hold me...picture them happy. Relapces of pain suck. I don't believe in love any longer. I never managed to move on. after reading other people's posts on ENA, I realise that it's abnormal to still grieve like this after two years...people usually move on after a while... I gave him all the power...tears falling on my computer as I am typing this...I feel like a five year old...helpless and betrayed.

It's been two miserable years since my husband walked out on me. Over a year since divorce was final. He was many things...gorgeous, funny, mentally unstable, verbally abusive, charming and caring( when he wanted to be), irresponsible( I was the one who was paying the bills). He was living with mom prior to our marriage and had a sickeningly close relationship with her( she even slept in the same hotel room on our wedding night in Vegas and she served me with divorce papers). He smoked a lot of weed, was constantly unemployed and felt entitled to be taken care off by me. I got to admit that he was a great cook and loved to be creative in the kitchen/bedroom. He told me that I would be the death of him and cried plenty of tears each time he verbally abused me (called me names, blocked my way out, pushed me, threw his wedding ring at me and broke a huge mirror above my head, resulted in me being covered in falling glass....his tears and sincere apologies followed again...each raging episode left a little scar on my heart.) I set my boundaries by telling him that I am not going to be the one who takes care of a 6.7 tall guy and he better get a job, stop smoking tons of weed and start being an equal partner...I was pregnant with our child...I became his enemy after I called the cops when he was raging, breaking the door into the bedroom where I locked myself in fear). I asked them not to arrest him.....it was Thanksgiving day. He left and told me to get rid of the baby. His mother served me with divorce papers and told me that keeping a baby would be insane cause he doesn't want to stay married...I was emotionally broken, scared and wanted to end my life on numerous occasions... I drove to his mom's house(two hours away) and begged them both to let me keep the baby. She ignored. He left the house. I had an abortion.I never heard from him again. like I never existed. His current girlfriend called my cell. on numerous occasions and called me degrading names( I have never met her or knew of her). she introduced herself as his girlfriend over the phone and kept on harassing me until I left him a message telling him that I will call the police unless she stops calling). Our marriage only lasted two years ( he proposed rather quickly, cause, according to him, I was the love of his life and it was never going to change, heh). Than he quit me "cold turkey" and I am hunted by memories of our trips abrood( at my cost of course), our passion for each other, our wedding and his endless declarations of love......it's been two years. Enough time to move on. I had better days...relapces of pain would always fallow...dreams of him doesn't seem to vanish. The loss of our child makes me wanna end it all. I called him yesterday. After a year of silence. I had this huge anxiety and somehow thought that he will talk to me, I wanted to hear his voice. After saying Hello he gave her the phone and she told me to get a life and to f**k off. She also called me old( I am in my thirties and so is he). I guess she is really young. I am also well educated, have MA degree and released two albums as an artist. I cried all evening , than got out of the house and got waisted so I don't have to hurt.....it;s sick. I know. It's been too long. I know. I can't seem to move on...the wound is too deep and I am depressed as hell...I take antidepressants...they don't do much. I go to therapy. It doesn't help much either. Sometimes I date. it makes me feel worse and I end up being alone. my choice.I am tired of missing him. I am tired of those monstrous relapces of pain...I have dreams about our unborn child....I feel cursed...I am such a meaningless mistake. I just wish "to not be.".....two years of misery....still love him. I am sick of me. Really sick of ME.

Just wanted to come back here for some comfort... Two years since he left me, 10 months since our divorce was final. I wanted to end it all, saw no hope in living. I managed to survive...somehow...was hard. My old topic "help me, I am drowning" explains it all. I was depressed,unwilling to face reality without him and thought the pain will never end... Still have those days when I am hunted by memories and regrets. Still not in a serious relationship with anyone, still not ready. Met someone new, liked him a lot( thank God!), but he declared to me recently that he is not looking for a relationship right now...just sex, heheh... I also sense that he was hurt in his previous relationship, has a bit of trust issues along with having a very busy work schedule, travel on weekends (he is is trying to save the world!) So, he's got plenty of charming qualities about himself and it's hard for me to believe that he is seing nothing more than a sexual object, when it comes to me. Not sure. Plus,unlike my Ex who was abusive and angry, this guy is very kind...God knows, may be I am just looking for exuses, cause I thought that I would never feel this way again... The funny thing is, he tried for the whole six months to get me to go out with him, I wasn't paying much attention. Finally, I gave it a try and now It's just another kick in the teeth, cause I really like the guy. Should I at least be glad that he completely took my mind off my ex? And I mean it! Completely! Should I play his game? His fantasy?This is the first time in two years that I am really attracted to someone, lol...wrong person again! I am almost done with my Post. grad. degree(went back to school after my ex damped me, it's a good thing I guess), but this emptiness, this void, aaaaaah...I am reliving it again... Should I stop letting him get away with " nothing more than a physical thing?" I just hate missing him when he is not around...and I do miss him. He is playing this "9.5 weeks" kinda thing...very intriguing in a seductive kinda way. On top of it he is an intellectual,very ambitious, smart and charming...I am attracted to him, there is this chemical reaction, my EX was the last one I felt it with and it was the whole two years ago! To be honest with you, I am not sure if I am completely healed from my failed marrige, may be it's a good thing? To play his game? Be his fantasy without reality...Dunno. Confused. But what am I to do with "missing him" part? I am getting attached emotionally.Scary... If I end it, I'll be right back at square one...lonely, full of regrets about my failed marrige...ets. So lost and really miss him today... I am afraid that I am up for another heartbreak. Please, help me figure it out... Should I end it before I get more attached? Obviously, he is enjoying his "Power over me"...

Here I am again... After a long while of not posting... It's been over a year and a half since my husband left me. 5 months since our divorce was final... God! I am finally free from this pain! I enjoy my life and the people in it now... No crazymaking, no emotional abuse, no control! I am so free! Never thought I will be at this place! I met someone... He is beautiful. He is everything that my ex wasn't. And he treats me with such respect... I was broken, depressed, suicidal... I thought that I will never recover from this pain. I am glad that he left me...my life is so much better without him. I guess, karma works in misterious ways... I am recieving threatening calls from a private number every couple of days lately. It's a female. She calls me degrading names (his language) and hangs up on me... Damn! I guess he drove someone else insane! Soooo glad it's not me! Just wanted to check in and let you all know that I've come a long way... Awareness brings change!

I am very happy for you! It's been over a year for me and I am starting to break free from the pain... You will love again! Stronger than ever! This experience was a great lesson and you will come out of this mess a much better person! Hugs, Buba

Way to go, Pilot! I would say, try to explore new places, not just the ones that fill you up with memories. And don't be afraid to give out your phone # to an attractive women! You will make it, it will take time, but in the end you will come out of this emotional mess a much better and stronger person. Happy New Year!

Bk, Moondog is so right! Great post. It took me a year and ,trust me, I thought I won't make it. I still miss "us", but I am in a different place right now. I am dating and enjoying it. I know how brutal the first few months could be. I've been there and people on this forum helped me tremendously. Please, hang in there, you will make it too, just give it time and you will see the light. Happy New Year! My prayers are with you,please pm me if you want. Hang in there, Buba

He sounds very abusive. he probably had a history of abuse in his family and it's normal to him. I know it's very hard for you now, but in most cases abusers will blame others for their actions and rarely will take responsibility for themselves. he spend 50 days in jail for abusing his ex? And obviously haven't learned much. Take care of yourself. I had a similar situation and thought that love will qonquer all and he, my husband/ pothead/abuser will change. Wrong! he never sees any wrong, and if he does, it doesn't last long! The only good thing that came out of this misery is that I really wanted to figure things out and am now working on my M.A in clinical Psychology. I will never get involved with another abuser again. You're lucky to be rid of him.

Thank you for taking the time to write those things down... I was married to a person just like your ex. I know what you're going through, I've been through hell trying to recover from this emotional mess. Very hard. Please, stay strong. We have been separated for 9 months now and it still hurts. But I am strong at NC and every day gets a little easier. I will send you prayers, PM me if you'd like Buba

Urban, what a great advice. Rangerider, I know how you feel... I also left messages and got a silent treatment from my confused, substance abusing ex. I was ashamed of myself for leaving them. I felt stupid and thought I was going crazy... He never responded. Let it go... Forgive yourself for being emotional. You're in pain. You love her. Substance abusers are very confused, they don't really know what they want. Was she clean for a month? Well, may be she misses her old lifestyle? My ex quit smoking pot for 3 months when I told him I was leaving him... He said He quit cold turkey and begged me to stay... I did. And I married him.... He missed his old habit. I became his enemy. He started hiding it from me, lying.... I confronted him, he said he was quitting me cold turkey and keeping another addiction... I was served with divorce papers and spend the last 3 months sharing my pain on this forum. I have a long topic "Help me, I am drawning..." I can't compete with addiction, I think she misses it too. Stay strong, P.M me if you want, and don't beat yourself up for leaving those messages, you're human. Silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse, may be she is punishing you for leaving her in the first place... Leave her be. You will be loved again.

I would recommend at least 6 months of anger management. Violent act of rage? Chocking her? It's pretty scary. She should stay away from you and never look back unless you get some serious help. Even than she should think twice. I was in an abusive marriage(verbal abuse) and it left me scarred for life. You need to wake up and realise, that you don't deserve to be in a relationship as long as you allow yourself to abuse the woman.

Dear Eva. You have been replying to my posts earlier and you sounded so much better than now. I am so sorry, you're still hurting... I took your advice and did N/C for 3 weeks... It was very hard, I had to brake my own bones not to pick up that damn phone... But I did it, and now he is calling me, wandering if I am seing anyone... He wants to see me on Thursday, asking to call him anytime, gave me his new cell#, that he changed two months ago just to hurt me... Eva, we have to be strong. Life is not over, you know how much I suffered, still do. I know how you feel, you're not alone. Please, get out of the house and try not to dwell in it. Pretend that he is dead, plain crash, car wreck, whatever.... He is gone. He doesn't exist! Try to believe in it. Make yourself believe. You helped me to stay strong, remember? Now I am trying to help you. And you know what? I am not going to call my husband, I will let him wander what I am up to... I started going to the gym every daY, going to lunch with friends, started writing music again... Never ever call him again. We deserve so much better than settling for crumbs. We can have the whole cake. He is not worth your suffering... Love, Buba.

Of cause you will heal! It's just bone of those days when you feel down. I am going through a lot of pain right now and it's only been 3 weeks since my husband served me with divorce papers simply because he doesn't want to be married, want's to hang out with friends, smoke weed and live with his mom for free. We have only been maried for a year and a half and I loved him to death. I was a breadwinner and he didn't hesitate to to be unemployed and entitled to be taken care of for the past year. When I said it wasn't fair, he got angry and left me. I feel used, destroyed and confused. It's not fair. But after crying myself to sleep and not eating for a week I made myself go out and meet people. No, it's not the same, I miss him. But I miss him a lot more just sitting around the house. Gotta distract yourself. Don't expect much. Just get out there. Try. I met someone last night and I know, he will never be the one, but it was so pleasant to carry a good conversation. My husband was angry most of the time. I thought it was great to be complimented on my appearance as I made it an effort to try and look my best. I am in my 30s, and all this dating seen is not something I want any more, I liked the idea of being married and in love and not have to look for a partner anymore.... But you know what? Sometimes you just have to. It's been a year for you. Enough! Especially when she is probably out there having a good time. I know there is something much better waitingt for us. Go and get it! Life is too short and we will survive. Blessings, Buba