buba
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Everything posted by buba
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Thank you lady D. It was a long and painful journey and I thought it was going to kill me... I thought that I'll never love again. trust me...it's not the end of the world...you will love again!
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Here I am...five months later... Doing much better,dating someone special... He is pretty much history. believe me, It does get better with time!
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Clubs,and as a result of it all,I went back to school and got my masters...now working on my PH.D...I would of never done it with him around. He hated my desire to go back to school...
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Thanks Clabs. I seriously thought that my ex will be the end of me...was so depressed, even suicidal. All of a sudden I find myself thinking about this new guy and looking forward to seing him... For those of you who are hurting...it took me 2.5 years. Things do get better.
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Just a little update... I am finally doing much better. Geez, it took me forever... I am seing someone and he is a really nice guy. He treats me with respect and shares many of my interests. No, I am not crazy about him, but I am enjoying his company. I still have flashbacks, but not nearly as painful. I am a bit scared cause I tend to have relapses of pain every 3-4 months. I feel stronger though. I've been seing this guy for 2.5 months now...he kinda grew on me...I am starting to really like him... I thought I'll never make it. Time heals. NC helps a great deal. Just wanted to share my feelings.
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bebee, I felt it at times... His inferiority... Yes, I am working on my Ph.D and he is a pothead going nowhere...I loved him anyway... It does bother me that I haven't been able to move on.In such a long time...I dated others, it's not working for me. Is it better to be alone? concentrate on work/school? Sounds sad....I used to be happy...I remember how it felt... As i said earlier, the last 2.5 years were really hard, I was trying to survive. And here I am...still trying...
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I am sure, it wasn't easy for him to leave me...we were married after all. It's like recovering from addiction...you get better and then you relapse. In my case, it's every four months or so... God, It's really annoying...wonder if I will be able to raise above all this for good and never look back...so hard to let go...
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It just shows me that I had never really moved on... Yesterday was thinking that living like this makes no sense...it's not really living...it's hurting and trying to survive. I am a mess.
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I had a few coctails too many and called him....well, I left two mesages stating that I still love him... It was pathetic. Today I feel like s**t. Depressed and full of regrets....I just seem to relapse after doing well for three or four months... Seems like it's never going to change. Hate myself... Please, help...
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I am dating someone really nice. He cooks me dinners and brings flowers... He is sucessful and intelligent. But the chemistry I used to have with my ex is not there. I think it will never be there with anyone... It's really nice to have him around, but that's about it. after 2.5 years...memories are still fresh, just like yesterday...and the more I date, the more I miss my ex. Stuck. stuck.stuck. Pathetic.
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I don't think I let people get close to me...sort of hoping that I need to be alone in case he desides to come back ... How stupid of me! But it's so hard to close that door completely... I set my boundaries with him...,but was it really worth all the suffering? Years of despair? Was it really worth it?
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"Do you feel better now that you are home? Did it bring any sort of closure for you?" Yes. it was unbearable down there. I felt his presense everywhere.
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Is it normal to still grieve after 2.5 years of separation?I am dating others...hmmm, feeling empty, they are nice guys.I just feel like it's not the same...I guess, despite all the craziness, I really loved my ex-husband. I never felt the same way with anyone... I wish I could just forget him...I used to pray for him to come back...now I pray for a peace of mind and ask God to help me forget him. I wonder if he was the love of my life and I will never feel the same way again. It saddens me deeply. Really deeply...
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Soooo, I went to P. S.and had a miserable time!!!!!! Well, first of all, I felt this powerful urge to drive by his house...I also went out to the bar he used to work in... I Wanted to drive back home instead of spending a night in a beautiful resort I already payed for...called my girlfriend and cried out loud over the phone how much I missed him/us there....it was just awfull. I managed to spend the night...drove home the next morning and felt such a relief once I walked into my house....I left all my pain out there...I was glad to be back.... I know, It sounds strange...at least now I know...not ready yet. Can anyone relate?
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It's been 2.5 years since he left me and 1.5 years since our divorce was final. Yes, my therapist thinks that I should face my fear and make this place mine again cause I used to travel there twice a month, even before I met my ex...It was my fav. getaway... I doubt that I will meet him, but fearing my emotional state...memories might trigger some old wounds. God, I am afraid to fall apart...
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First of all, I love this little city- Palm Springs. Used to travel there all the time..., very relaxing, lots of great resorts. My therapist told me that it's actually helpful to go and make the city mine again...he doesn't own it. I booked a five star resort, planning on swimming and getting some tan... Going with a girlfriend. I am scared, scared, scared...what if I break down and cry? Was it a mistake to do it after a year and a half? I waited long enough...man, I am really anxious...
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well, it's been a while since my last post... I need some advice today. It's been a year and a half since my divorce was final... Ever since I never went back to the city where he lives, was afraid to be hunted by memories... He lives there, and we spent a lot of time there together. It's only 2hours drive from my home... I will be going there tomorrow....... just for a night. God! I am so nervous...how could I enjoy myself without being overwhelmed by the memories? knowing that he lives with someone else...it's such a small city. How does it feel, to face your fear... I am scared...
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beautiful words...thank you. I love this site...so comforting. You're so right....look who I fell in love with? A day at the time...sounds good to me. Frisco, I will list all the terrible things he said or done to me... He is a pot head, I wonder if he still remembers my name... I spent two years trying to survive. I've changed. I don't trust men...hope it's temporary.
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Trying hard....still stuck....some days are better than others... still can't believe it's really real....
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I agree...It's time to let go of the past... I took a loooong Yoga class this evening, felt such relief, glad I was able to force myself to go... I should go every day. It was cleansing and healing. It's better than giving up on myself, feeling hopeless and pitiful, meeting strangers at bars, wearing a "mask", trying to hide my vulnerability... I pray for the pain to leave my body...just go away...forever. Frisco, I am grateful for your support... Trust me, as stuck as I am, I do hear you and appreciate every word of validation. and, yes, "F**k it" mode is just a lame excuse to avoid dealing with reality. I am not out partying this evening, it's a good thing... I should develop tolerance for those shocking waves of pain/memories... They seem to hit me hard. I will try to replace the good memories with the ones of lies, abuse and cheating... please, bear with me,I would be needing some support in the meantime... Do you really think there is light in the end of the tunnel and I will be able to look back and thank God that we parted ways? I hope there is Karma and that everything happeneds for a reason...
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Frisco, thanks so much...as always. You said: 'At any rate, I think from reading your post mentioning the music video, you are holding onto what was good and should also remember the bad. Be fair here; whenever you find yourself getting wrapped up in the good of the past, also recall the bad. Be fair, one for one." Yes, I have this brutal tendency to hold on to those good memories...they seem to be wired in my brain... I need to remember "the bad"...I'll try. Went out last night again...even though I am not interested in anyone and have major trust issues, it's still better to be out there, talking to strangers...funny, got six phone numbers from guys...I am sure they all want one thing...I am tall, blond, and it's Hollywood, heh... Sometimes I feel so numb...in order not to get hurt again, I am afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to be "me"... I look in the mirror and there is this reflection of me... woke up this morning...headache...a few coctails too many... Well, it's better than thinking about dying. It's just not me. And I miss "me"... It scares me in a way, all of a sudden I got so fed up with hurting for over two years...I chose distraction...being out, acting silly, etc... It feels empty, but my solitude is worse...I had plenty of it. I tried to better myself after he left me... aaaaaah, as I said earlier...all the work I've done! I am now in a "F**K IT" mode... I hate it, but it's still better than hurting...it's just not "ME"... sounds like ongoing depression? well, I take antidepressants religiously..., heh... That's why "pathetic' was the word I chose, Frisco. The treatment I received was too brutal..., don't you think? we were not just dating...we were married. I thought it was forever. My dreams are crushed. I am not the person I used to be...one of the reasons I am holding on to good memories...the video, etc...they also bring me back "ME"...
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Frisco, you said: "So roll with this. Give up, don't trust men, be alone. I think this is an understandable and necessary phase to go through after an experience like yours." Even if it's been two years? Last night I was playing our music video over and over (I used him as my love interest in my video)... I was overwhelmed by memories, there was a lot of kissing on the beach... I felt such sadness, the kind that leaves you hopeless and disensitized to the rest of the world... Frisco, I agree, may be one day I will look at it as a necessary learning experience that turned my life around. Right now I don't see it coming...was thinking about ending my life last night again. Just to escape the same old painful existence. I am just so damn tired of hurting. all the work I've done...Psychotherapy, antidepressants, helping others...nothing seems to work. As I said earlier...I am stuck.
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Funny, was out with friends tonight... Men are trying to talk to me... Offering to buy me drinks, asking for my phone number..., heh... I went home alone. I have no desire to be amongst them. It feels like I am stuck...I can't move on like the rest of you on ENA. Damn...I found out that he met her while we were still married...it explains a lot. That is why I became yesterday's trush in a second... Yes, I don't know if I'll be able to trust men any longer...especially here, in Hollywood... Aaaaah, sometimes I feel strong, but something always brings me back down... Sucks to give up on yourself...
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Not the greatest of days...will go to the beach and watch the ocean... I am over the anger part, even though I find anger helpful. Trying to develop some coping skills to deal with the past...after all, it's the past....I don't feel sorry for myself for failing...this sadness has a lot to do with the choices I made. Such wrong choices.
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Frisco, yes, now what???? well, I was to really compare my previous states...well, yes, I am doing better...