FleX
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On the issue of love... I have to say that a man should only say "I love you" in the deepest most sincerest of moments. I found out that the more you say it the less effect it has. It's a sacred three letter word that should only be used for the right occasion... Your ex never said it... but he should have expressed his love to you through his actions. I guess he wasn't committed or afraid of taking it to the next step.
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What is the point of NC if the problem doesn't get solved? If you decide to pursue the NC option make sure your doing it for the right reasons or else you'll be kicking yourself again. Don't call period... IMO never take back someone that doesn't want you. We owe ourselves the respect of having someone that appreciates us for who we are. If for any reason forbid why... she comes back to you it's either the man she was with didn't measure up or he wasn't willing to pay the high pricetag she put upon herself. Don't settle for second best. You have a new ticket to life... go out there and explore your possibilities!
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Eh... begging makes things worse cuz it convinces them that they made the right decision in the first place... I know I tried... don't be afraid to explore your options... if being with him was so horrible... why go back? Find someone that appreciates you and take this as a learning experience... remember that being independent and single is good too! You get so much more done IMO. =)
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One more thing.... So this whole time she says she is confused and she is at "the friends stage right now," Anytime you hear a woman say confused or let's be friends... walk away. That's womanese translation saying that she has no romantic interest in you.
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Sorry to say but you got bamboozled big time. I mean you can come up with 100 reasons why but the bottom line is plain and simple... she lied to YOU. Would you want to take back a liar? She's obviously pulling your chain and wants you hanging around. If a girl lies she knows she can manipulate you over and over again. This goes with any liar (male or female). Any further attempts to rationalize certain events will cause you to make up more excuses to be with her. She obviously put up a good acting job and you got conned.... now to address your issues: 1) Don't settle as being a backup. By leaving the door open she's just yanking your chain and feeding you false hopes. Why bother hanging around? 2) NC period. Why subject yourself to the torture of having to ignore her and then come back? Don't give up any information about your feelings... leave it up to her to guess what's going on with your life. You owe yourself some respect man. No calling txt msging or any contact. Yes it will be hard but what is better? Having her come around with the same problems in the first place? 3) Usaully girls 22 still don't know what they want in life. However if she really wanted to be with you she would have dumped her bf in the first place or at least let you know. Your bascially settling for being 2nd best. Get a woman that appreciates you but dont' make her the focus of your entire life. Honestly in my opinion... once you become the friend... it's over. People want to keep the friendship because they don't want to feel as guilty. Point is she hurt your feelings. Why do you want to hang around? PM me if you want me to induldge further on this issue. 4) This relates to how well your relationship with her. Did you present yourself as a challenge or did you give her everything she needed? Maybe you were too giving? Why were you two on and off? What were the redflags to the relationship?If she really liked you she would have hung around. Hopes this helps out/
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Yes you are slightly biased not because you are female but based on your individual response to his situation. Regardless if he did not provide her the happiness to her and she she got married, you have to look at his happiness too. Here is a guy that felt "boxed in" and you slammed him for making the decision to let go. Obviously with any breakup there are feelings of regret and remorse. Wether or not it was the right or wrong thing to do only he knows. Like he said... everything is not black and white. Your right to say I don't know you, I don't know anyone on this board. However as a community we have to come together and address the situation.
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Telling an ex about a new boyfriend?
FleX replied to purple_monster's topic in Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend Relationships
You mentioned that you have a new flame. Why not explore the possibility with him instead of going back to all your problems in the first place? If indeed you and your ex have addressed the issues that made you break up then maybe over time you two would get back. If you don't see that happening... move on. -
IGNORE HER. When you give her too much attention that shows desperation. Don't assume love. Look at her actions. If she likes you she will come to you.
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You have to cut all contact with her. That includes her family and her friends. It doesn't matter if they love you. The fact is she's married. Be happy you got out of the situation and be happy she is able to find what she wanted. Try to avoid bitterness or grudges... unhappy people are unattractive. In the meantime concentrate on #1. Yourself. Ticklebug is slightly biased. If you truly care about her be happy for her but also show her that you are able to move on by being successful in all aspects of life. Regardless if it was your fault or hers just take it as experience and move on.
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Woah... sounds like a horrible ending. If he's acting cold let him... Some people need to act cold to get over someone. Bottom line is that you both broke up and what's done is done.
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Any additional comments would be GREATLY appreciated! Especially from the women. I'm courious to what the girls have to say. Maybe it was something I did or something that she did. Maybe things just didn't work out. Lemme know ppl!
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They say that there is friendship in love. Love in friendship? Never.
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Hello... it seems like everyone is doing a great job to help you cope with your situation. However let's look at the root of the problem. You say that he was was not happy six months into the relationship. Since about march he told me that he would rather we break up because he does not think that he can give me what I want and need. But I always talked him out of it by saying that as long as we still love each other, we should keep on fighting for our relationship. What made him turn like this? Communication? Did things turn stale? What needs to be changed? Maybe he mentally moved on. Perhaps there was something that YOU needed to do to change? Maybe both of you needed more time to adjust. Perhaps living together was more than he could handle... OR maybe he really needed space. I could go on with another 100 reasons why... but my point is that even though you do get back together how would things be different than it was before? If there is change within from both parties it would definitely work out. I really hope things work out to your liking. Be strong and optimistic. One more thing. I have the feeling that this board is slightly biased when it comes to men and women breaking up simply because women will stick to their own rationality. Same goes with the men. [/i]
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Hello.... IMO you really can't force yourself to like a guy. You have to be attracted to him physically and mentally. Anything else would be fooling yourself in the end. Don't settle for anything less. =) Be nice and courteous but don't lead him with false hopes.
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she called me a couple minutes ago, and well we talked for a while, i told her i loved her at the end of the conversation, and she stayed silent, i think that it was a mistake, regardless, i left it to her to call me back, hopefully things will work out, but still hurtin Dude that seems like another form of begging... I hate to say it but when women hear that it makes you look weak and desperate. Save the I love you's for special occasions only. That three letter word is sacred and when u use it in this situation it has no effect on her. The woman's mind is made up. Cut off all contact and move on. Don't dwell or be bitter... improve yourself and make her come crawling back to you.
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Ok my bad... well as the dumper is always easier on your part... if she changes and is truly sincere about getting back... give it a try. But I say always look at her actions... if the same reasons still keep coming up a second time around you know it wasn't meant to be.
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Ok... to hug and show physical affection means that either both or one of you are not over it. As "friends" there is nothing more. By sticking around there is always the threat of false hope from both parties. Once you've been at the intimate stage there simply is no way of reverting back to a normal relationship. The passion will always exist. Why torture yourself by hanging around? Love is like jumping off the plane. There is only one parachute and no going back.
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Your absolutely right... it really takes two people to make a relationship work. At first I came in I was optimistic and energetic but I never gave in fully. I always gave her space and really tried not to be the needy or overbearing type. I believe she has alot of issues to deal with (family, personal) Whenever we were together I would try to keep things positive but I dunno what happened. For guys we wear our hearts on our sleeves. I think women are different because you have to constantly look at her behaviour and attitude. After one month I began to see the signs. I was happy but deep down I was also sad because I knew something was wrong. I wanted to end the relationship earlier but I guess I hung around to see the final outcome. Any thoughts from a female persective would be greatly appreciated.
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When she says she wants to remain friends that means she's terminating your contract. So no longer has intentions of getting back. Usaully when a breakup occurs... one person will move on and find someone soon. If leaving you in the first place was so bad you have to really question why she is knocking back at your door. If they come back to you is because a) the person they are seeing are less than what they would have thought b) the person was mostly a jerk and used her c) he/she was not willing to put up with her high pricetag. d) He/she turned out just as boring as you. Notice how all these reason have to do with being with that other person not because she truly loves you. When a woman makes a decision she will convince herself that it was 100% right. When someone dumps you never take them back.
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Don't get caught up in the daily report... save it for the dates. The telepone kills any sense of mystery and challenge for both parties. coming from a guys point of view I only call the girl to make the date and do some minor chit chat. By talking on the phone things get stale fast.
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I agree with Raiana, if the Ex(the dumper) calls usaully it's because they regret with what happened.
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How do we avoid bitterness towards our ex?
FleX replied to Mentor's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
I feel that Lisa did not give us a chance to work out this problem. We only just realized what the problem was 2 weeks before the end. That was not enough time to try to develop the emotional intimacy that we were lacking. She thinks that love (or lack thereof) is not something that you can fix. I disagree, and we agreed to disagree. I am also hurt that she has already begun to meet other guys. Nothing serious, but it sucks to think of her out there socializing while I am at home suffering This is exactly how I was feeling after the 2nd month of my relationship. We were both busy and I guess we didn't have the time to bond as well as we would have liked. Only way is to move on... don't be bitter... people who are bitter are unattractive in the eyes of others (friends, family, the opposite sex) Usaully it takes time... Once you've accepted the fact that it's over and moved on you can truly be happy. In the meantime I don't htink you should care as much about her as you should yourself. It doesn't matter if she goes out to socialize or gets 10 new bfs. It's about you. You should be the one going out having a good time... The best way is to be successful. Take a new hobby, meet new people. Embrace all types of women. Show her that your truly happy... not in a way to spite her. By being positive you go back to being the man she loved/liked. -
I agree... some women do it unintentionally... they keep all their ex's around and feed them false hope. It's like your a backup. Nobody wants to be downgraded. Unfortunately women don't see it that way because it's pre-programmed in their head so they think it's natural.
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Good advice... well I guess the best thing I can do is show up to that party... Their mainly my friends so it'll be good hanging around people I know. I even bought a white blazer jacket... I figure if I am gonna get dumped might as well go out in style and show her what she's missing. I'll try not to be bitter but I still want to use the NC rule and talk to everyone except her.
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Hey thanks for the reply... we've been apart almost three weeks now. This group of friends was a combination of my friends and her guy friend. So far everyone knows about the situation but their cool with the outcome. I just don't want to look stupid and hang around with false hopes. I really liked this girl from day one but I feel that if I hang around as a friend then I give in on her agenda. It makes her feel better as the dumper knowing that he's accepted the role. She's the type that keeps her ex's around. I'm quite the opposite where if the relationship ends it ends. Once your friends there is no going back.