Tryingtobestrong

Oh my gosh, are you serious? Wow, I cant believe women are really coming up to you and telling you straight out that they want you for sex, and only sex. No idea why they do it, but I know I would not. If I thought a guy was really hot, then I would try to get to know him better and hopefully he would turn out to be a great guy who I would like to date. This is strange, because normally it is girls who are looking for a relationship while guys are looking for an easy lay. No idea, why this is happening to you. I guess this would be most guys dream come true, but as it is not yours, I am really sorry.

Dear Myst, wow, that sounds really horrible. I am very sorry you had to go through it, but I am very proud of you for moving back home again and not staying in a bad situation. Unfortunately I cant tell you what happened, maybe guys can give you a hint. All I can say is that I think you decided to move really soon to be with him. After a month or so, was not it? So maybe at first he was really into you, but many relationships end once the initial excitement fades. I also assume that he was in Iraq for quite some time. Maybe the distance helped him a long in emotionally detaching himself from you. Just some thoughts and I am sorry you had to go through it all. Hope you will feel better soon.

Hi, it is 7 days later and I still have not heard back from him. Today it is a month since I stopped initiating contact. Dont know if that is a sad or happy day to mark. I still have him on my mind constantly, but the more days go by, the more I accept that this is really over and he just does not want me anymore. Problems start when I hear from him again, because then all my feelings and hopes come back. Today it is 9 days since I last heard from him. On the 12th it will be 2 months since we last saw each other. Definitely a sad day. I guess there is nothing I can do but leave him alone and maybe one day he will figure out that he was happiest with me and wants us back, if he does not then I should not be with him anyway, right? Just felt like venting today. Take care everyone.

Hi you all, thanks for your replies. Just want to let you know that I sent him a text from work yesterday. I was really busy at work, but I did not want to put it off because I wanted to stop thinking about whether or not I should write, and I wanted to put the ball back into his corner. So I just sent him a quick text. It went something like: Hi XX, I am doing good, thanks. What's happening in SE-Asia is horrible, wish I could help. Hope your vacation in England was fun. Love, XXXX (my whole name not just initial) Now it is back to wait and see if he contacts me and in what way. It is funny that I wanted to get it over with and be able to stop thinking about it. Strange. Anyway, if I hear from him, I will let you know. Thanks for your advice and happy new Year

Thanks for your reply Hope. Anybody else have a suggestion?

News, got a text from him today. It said: Hi X, how are you? Scary to think that you and XXX (my sister) were on the same beaches that have been washed away by the Tsunami. Look after yourself, XX Just for info, been with my sister to Thailand in August. Wow, I could not believe it when I received his message. Today I had been so sad and thought that I was not going to hear from him for a very long time, and bam there he sends this message. Before I even read it I decided to not react to it straight away. Not repeat the mistake I made last time and call him or write back straight away, but wait and think about what I want to say. I am thinking about writing an answer tomorrow saying something along the lines of: Hi XX, I am doing good, thanks. Yes it is horrible what is happening in SE-Asia. Wish there was something I could do to help. How was your vacation in England? Take care, XXX What do you think? Should I not ask about his trip to England, though I would really love to hear about it? Should I send a longer message? Take an extra day to reply? I would love to sign with Love. Would that be a mistake? He is addressing me by the first letter of my name only, should I reply in kind, or use his nickname, that I usually use? So many questions, I know. Sorry, but I dont want to mess up again. I felt so relieved after I received his message. I think there is no reason for him to write to me besides him wanting to hear from me and wanting to talk to me. How do you see that? I was very down because I counted the days I had not heard from him (12). But when I count the days he has not contacted me since he came back from his trip, they only amount to 1! So I am telling myself something like: Guy cant go for two days without contacting you! I know it is all very silly, but this little message really lifted my mood. Thanks for all your suggestions!

Hi, Looking back at my previous relationships, I think a mixture of both worked best. By that I mean not to contact them on your own, but reply if they contact you. I am still in contact with most of my exes because I hate losing a person I once loved, unless he was a jerk, then I am glad to let him go. The two guys I had the most serious relationships with I am still in contact with and both have repeatedly shown interest in getting back together. My ex who I was with from age 19 to 23 is still writing me at least once a month and in nearly every mail expresses his desire to see me again. (He lives at the other side of the planet from me now). A year after we broke up I saw him again for the first time and he really wanted to get back together. When I made it clear to him that I was not interested and actually had a new bf, he decided to move far, far away because he could not stand being so close to me while knowing that it was over for good. My other ex who I only dated for a few months, but who absolutely broke my heart when he dumped me, tried getting back together as well about a year after the breakup. By then I was already with my recent bf and thereforeeee told him I was not interested. So both tried to come back and I think that happened only because we were still in contact, even if only once a month or so. That's why I am trying to stay in touch with my current ex because I hope that one day down the line he will also want to get back together. Would be typical though if by then I was with somebody else already.

Dear Sweetsparkle, I understand how you feel and that you want to cling to any hope of you guys working out if you give him the other month he asked for. As I said before, I would consider myself broken up with and try to move on and heal. If in a month he says that he wants to get back together, it is a pleasant surprise. If he does not, you had one more month to prepare yourself for this. Dont send him an email saying that it is over, because you might regret that later. Dont even reply to his email. If he wants to break up, let him say the words. Don't let him push you to say the words, so he can tell everyone that you gave up while he wanted to hang on. I am so sorry about your pain, I hope you will feel better soon.

Dear Sweetsparkle, I am so sorry to hear what he wrote in his email, but I am glad that he wrote at all and did not say something like 'I want to break up'. But this is where the good part stops. I agree with the other posters that he does not want to be in a relationship with you right now, but he wants to string you along in case he changes his mind. Did you reply to his email? I hope you did not. My advice to you would be to ignore his mail, consider yourself broken up and move on without giving him the satisfaction of a reply to his mail. If you dont want to do this, send him a mail saying that you are breaking up with him, but I know I might regret this later on, as I might convince myself that ultimately I was the one who broke it off. So maybe you should not do that, unless you feel ready to really let this one go. Did he at least ask you how you are doing and what is happening in your life? Did he show any interest in you and your life? I really dont think that he deserves you sitting around and waiting for him to make up his mind. Try to move on and if he contacts you in a month you decide if you want to stay in contact with him or not. I am so sorry this happened to you, I hope you are not feeling too devastated because you prepared yourself for this eventual outcome. All my best wishes to you

HI Bibora, I also think that you should not meet her or even reply to her email. It seems like your NC is getting results. Not the results you want, (I suppose) but at least she is contacting you. Give it more time of NC and if she contacts you in a friendlier, more respectful way, decide if you want to see her or not. Good luck with everything!

Hi Princess, thanks for your reply. I am also telling myself that he is waiting until he returns to contact me, but he has his mobile with him, so there is no real explanation/excuse that he did not send me a small message for Christmas. I know, I am jewish and I dont celebrate Christmas, but still. Somehow I feel that he would have send me a message if he cared. Yeah, you can never know someone totally. I still think he is a good guy, but maybe just not the guy who loves me enough to spend his life with me. I wish I knew if he really wants to spend some time alone, as he told me. Or if he just does not want to be with me and is looking for a new girlfriend. I am too scared to ask though, and who knows if he would tell me anyway. When I search on dating sites for profiles, I am always scared to come accross his profile. If I saw his profile and he said that he was looking for a girlfriend, I think that would destroy me. thereforeeee I never dare look for someone in my area. I just wish it was tuesday already so I could see if he contacts me or not. The last contact we had was pleasant and non-pressuring, so I hope he feels comfortable to contact me again. On the other hand though I dont want him to contact me if he has someone new or knows for sure that he does not want to get back together anymore. I dont want to tell him that though, because that would sound needy and i dont want him to know that he still holds this power over me. If he should contact me (oh please, please do) I am planning on replying friendly and casually. No asking why he did not contact me earlier and no love declaration either. Wow, I guess I needed to vent some more. Thanks for reading and thanks for your thoughts. Feeling a bit better now.

Hi everyone, today I am feeling really bad and I need to vent. It has been 10 days since he left for England and sent me that message after which I called him back. I did not hear from him during those 10 days, not even for Christmas, and while I have many explanations to myself why he did not contact me, I cant stop realising that if he cared about me, if he missed me and wanted to hear from me he would have sent me a message or something. He is coming back tomorrow, and I am so tempted to go to the airport and pick him up. It has been so long since I last saw him (over 6 weeks) and I so want to see him again. I am having good days most of the time and I know I dont need him, but I want him. But I want him soooo much. I just miss him so much and there are so many things happening in my life and I cant help but think about him all the time and how much better everything would be if he were here. Yes, I realise that what I want is someone who loves me and who I love back, but the thing is that I love HIM! I have signed up with various dating sites and met a few very nice men online, but that does not take my mind off him. To think that in the beginning of our relationship I wanted to break up with him because I thought he was too boring for me. He was the 'good' guy, but no challenge, and so I told him that I liked him but did not think that we would have a future. That was during the first 2 months of our relationship. He told me that this was always his problem. Women told him that he was 'too good' for them (translating into too nice). He cried back then and told me that he loved me and did not want to lose me. I decided to stay because I really liked him and told myself that it was better to go with the good guy then the exciting one. After a few months I fell in love with him and did not feel that way anymore, but I always thought that he was the good guy who would not break my heart. Well, guess what. Even good guys fall out of love and break up with their girlfriends. It has been 3 months already, why do I still feel so bad? When am I going to feel better about it? When will I be able to stand the thought that he does not love me anymore and will not be my boyfriend again? This is so hard. On the one hand I am grateful that he does not contact me and mess with my mind, but on the other I would love to hear from him so much. He is coming back tomorrow. I know that from that time on I am going to check my mobile again all the time and count the days till he contacts me. I hate feeling this way, but I dont see a way out right now. I wish I could just fly away for a couple of months and only come back when I am feeling better. Sorry for my long vent, but thanks for reading it.

Dear Sweetsparkle, good luck for today. I have been following your thread this month and I think that you are very strong and I admire you for holding out for so long. I hope that he contacts you today, but to be honest, what I would prefer would be that he calls, but you dont pick up! 8) Let him call and you are not there. If he leaves a message call him back in a day or two acting nonchalant and saying something like 'Sorry, only just noticed that you called. What's up? How are yo doing? Or even better, dont call him back, just ignore his calls and if he catches you on the phone, act really busy and disinterested. Act surprised that he called at all, as you thought you guys were over anyway. this is just me, and maybe I am alone with my opinion, but I think a guy who claims to love you but then just stops contact for a month, because he wants it to, is not the right guy for you. So he is calling all the shots and does not even wish you a merry Christmas? Does not sound like a guy who appreciates the great woman he has. Drop him and move on. I wish you strength and happiness and a mindset where you dont care anymore if he calls or not. All the best 8)

Hallo everyone, I also expected/hoped for a message/call from my ex for Christmas, but nothing. I am trying to rationalise it, thinking that he is busy, at his aunt's place there is no internet, he does not think I would care for one as I am jewish,... but I still feel bad about it. I guess I really hoped for one after all. Hope the next year will bring lots of happiness and love to all of us. Love, Danielle

Dear Ebola, good to hear from you. I was wondering about you and your situation. So he came back? To be back in the relationship? How did you react? How do you feel about it now? did you have any contact with him since you stopped picking up the phone and he stopped calling? Does not sound like you are happy he is back, what are you planning on doing? How do your children feel about his return? Look forward to reading your update.

Dear Ocean, unfortunately I have to agree with everyone and say that it looks like she wants to break up with you. So my advice to you is to not contact her at all, until she contacts you. Then seem happy, busy, not bothered by her lack of contact. If she tells you she wants to break up with you, say something like: 'Oh, really? Why?' Once she gives you her reasons, say something like: 'Okay, I see your point. Well, if you feel this way.' Then walk away, hang up or whatever. If you want her back your not trying to change her mind is going to confuse her and she is going to wonder if she made a mistake. If she then contacts you again, say you are doing fine, but keep the conversation short and polite. If she asks you if you are okay with the breakup, tell her that it is not your ideal solution, but if she feels this way, then it is better to be apart. I think that is the best way for you to get out of this with her wondering, keeping her respect of you and possibly wanting to reconcile. That's just my 2 cent, and I hope you wont need this advice because she will call, tell you that she loves you and you will have great holidays together. All the best

Dear Sweetsparkle, you are very strong. I know if I were in your situation I could not hold on and wait for him to tell me whether he wants to be with me or not. I would want to know it NOW, and thereforeeee probably lose my last chance with him. So kudos to you for not contacting him. I wanna be positive and encouraging, but I think it is really hard from him to not even send you a short message in a month just asking if you are okay. Even if in a week he tells you that he would like to continue your relationship, are you sure you would want it? After all the pain and hurt this has caused you? I hope you are able to look beyond the pain his not being here causes you and decided if he is really that great, that you still want to be with him as if nothing ever happened. I agree with everyone that you should take care of yourself, eat and rest properly. I am holding my thumbs for you and hope that everything works out the way you want it to. Good luck.

Dear everyone, thanks for your replies. I am going to listen to you and not send him a mail or text complaining about his lack of manners. Maybe you are right Princess, and his message was not particulary rude. Just seems that way to me. I am trying to not think about it and him so much, but thoughts of him are in my mind all the time. Thanks for your help. I will keep you posted of any updates. Happy holidays to all of you out there!

HELP I need some advice here. Ever since friday night I have been thinking about the text message he sent me and about my reaction to it. (i.e. calling him right back) and I think I made a big mistake. I think that I should have either ignored his message or sent something back like 'Am I your personal information center?'. I reread his message and noticed that he did not even say please or thank you. His message went like this: "Hi X, sorry to bother you. When are the buses leaving for the airport?" I think that was very inpolite, especially for him, who is ALWAYS polite and has great manners, unless he hates someone. So I think I should have ignored him or maybe written: 'Once you remember your manners, send me a message and maybe I will reply to that.' Or I could have said: 'Did you drop your manners at the same time you dropped me, or have you forgotten how to spell please and thanks?.' I can think of a million things I could have said or done, and none of them include calling him to give him the info he asked for. I am really angry at myself right now. Do you all agree that I messed up? I am also confused by the fact how angry i am at him lately. When I think about little things like this message, or other things he said and did, I want to send him a really nasty email. Why is that happening? Is that a phase in the grieving process? Does that mean it is over for good and I have reached the point where I would not take him back? But in my head and my heart I still want him back. I dont know where these angry feelings are coming from. I can deal with sadness, but this is new and I dont like it. What should I do now? Send him an angry mail? Ignore his messages from now on? Tell him what I think about his lack of manners the next time he gets in touch? Or just forget about it? Seem casual and uninterested when he tries to make contact? Aaaahh, I dont know what to do. I hate this. Up until a short while ago I knew I wanted him back and that was my main aim, now I have these unpleasant feelings, and I dont have an outlet for them. Has anyone been in a similar situation or just has some suggestions on what I should do? I would sincerely appreciate it. If anyone has some insight on why he sent me such an inpolite text, I would appreciate that too. My theory is that he was expecting me to ignore his message or either send him a cold reply, and he was preparing himself for that. I still have not figured out WHY exactly he contacted me at all. Surely not to find out the bustimes, come on. So maybe he was just testing the waters to see how I would react. So I guess I totally messed up when I called him back, did not I? Please anyone with insight, enlighten me! Thanks.

Dear Masaki, I agree that you are right now not happy in your relationship, and I think you should tell your girlfriend everything you told us and probably more. If you feel that she would not listen to you, or negate what you said, send her a letter. Tell her in the letter that because of the following you feel that you guys should not be together anymore. You would like to know what she thinks about it. When she contacts you to talk about it, listen to what she has to say. If she says she is really sorry, she realises you are right, she is going to change,.... then I would recommend you tell her that you want a break of each other for about a month or so, in which you dont talk, but both think about your relationship individually. Then after the month you meet and talk again. If you realised that you missed her and would like to work on things, and she feels the same way, then I would recommend couple counselling. I think you should not just dump her without giving her one last chance, unless you feel like you have given her lots of chances already. Chances she was aware of, not a timeframe you set in your mind. To be honest, it sounds to me like you are mostly hurt by her behaviour, and not that you dont love her anymore. If you still care about her, and she about you, maybe you can save this relationship. I think you should talk to her/send her that letter asap. Dont give her those vouchers for Christmas, no matter what you do. If she asks why, use Scout's explanation. In any event, dont tell her anymore that you love her, that you are happy with her and that you have a long, happy future together. My guy did that to me up to the day he broke up, even though he was already looking for an apartment for a while. In retrospect it really hurts that he was lying to me for a long time. Instead of telling me what's up he pretented that everything was fine. Don' t do that. Good luck with everything. Hope things turn out the way you want.

If you are on great terms, send him a card. Keep the gift. If he gives you something for Christmas you could give him this present.

Hi RayF, I also agree that you should not send this letter, it sounds very clinical and cold. Not at all a letter I would respond to favourably. If you have to write a letter, then write it more personal and warmer. I agree with Amanda though, and think that you should send a Christmas card. You dont have to play games and pretend to be a friend. You could write into the Christmas card something like: 'Merry Christmas. I hope you are doing well. I still think about you and would love for us to give it another try. Please let me know if you are interested.' Now, of course I dont mean to use my words, but something along those lines, if you want to make it clear to her that you are not interested in anything but a relationship. I think a card is less threatening. And it could be construed as you writing to her because of Christmas, and only adding the other stuff as an afterthought in case she blows you off and you want to save your pride. I wish you best of luck with whatever you decide to do and hope that you get a loving response. It is good to hear that your counselor thinks that only after 3 months a person realises if they still have feelings left for the other, as it has been 2.5 months since my man left me. So there is hope. Did your councelor say if those 3 months have to be NC, or if that does not matter? Good luck

Dear Foz, thanks for your advice, problem is I have not heard from him in nearly 2 weeks. If I now suddenly send him a message telling him to not contact me unless he wants to get back together, is not that gonna come accross weird? As if I am just trying to have contact with him? I know if I would get a message like that from him, I would surely take it as an excuse for contacting me as I have not contacted him in over 3 weeks, besides one short card. But if I wait until he finally does contact me, I am worried that this one contact is going to be the one that destroys me. I still believe that he is a decent, good guy. Should I just trust that he would not do a mean coldhearted thing like that?

Dear Koline, I feel that our stories are very similar. I was with my guys for 2.5 years, living together for 1.5 years. I am 28, he is 31. For quite some time he was unemployed, which he hated and once he found a job I thought everything was gonna be fine again, but instead he started having doubts about our relationship and broke up with me 2.5 months ago. At first he contacted me a lot, but after 1.5 months or so he stopped. Now I have not heard from him in 13 days, except for a short reply to a card I sent him. Since a few days I started worrying that the next time he is going to contact me, it will be to tell me that it is completely over and that he has found somone new. So when I read your story I felt like I was reading my own story a few weeks from now. I am not contacting him and would much rather he would not contact me instead of contacting me to tell me about his new gf. I totally understand your pain. I have not seen or spoken to him over a month and when my sister spoke to him yesterday and told me about it, I could not stop crying for an hour or so, it just hurt so bad. I dont want to receive an email from him in which he tells me that he has moved on, or get an invitation for coffee so he can tell me in person. Do you recommend that I send him a mail telling him to not contact me anymore unless he wants to get back together? I am also still living in the same apartment I lived in with him, and everything reminds me of him. I would love to move, but I just cant afford it at the moment. Some days I am hoping that he will come back, but mostly I think that he wont. You sounds quite strong, and I am impressed with how great you handled this heartache. If you have any advice please let me know.

Hi everone, I am feeling really low right now. A month ago was the last time I saw my ex and I miss him so much. I left my mobile at home all day and hoped that I would have a message from him when I came home, but there was none. Then my sister called and asked me for his new phone number because her pc has a virus and he is an IT engineer. I gave it to her and while she spoke to him I felt so sad and heartbroken because everyone can just call him and speak to him but I cant. Why of all the people in the world am I the one who can not just call him and talk to him? I miss him so much and I so want to hear his voice. While I am typing this I am sobbing so strongly, I cant believe it. It is like I just had contact with him even though it was through another person, and I realise that I am so not over him yet. Even after 2.5 months, 1 month of not seeing him and no contact from him for 2 weeks, besides his reply to my ecard last week. I feel so bad, I miss him so much. Why is not he contacting me? Does not he miss me? My sister asked him how he was doing and he said that he was doing fine, mostly working but looking forward to going to England next friday. She said he did not sound as happy as usual, but maybe he just did not want to seem too happy to her. He asked about a few people and among them about me. My sister told him that I was doing fine, lots of work and studying and that I was on vacation in Canada. She said he sounded surprised when she told him about my vacation. Do you think it was a mistake that my sister called him? I asked her to make sure that he does not think I asked her to call him, and she said it did not come accross this way. Does this mean that NC was broken and I have to start counting again? When is he going to contact me again? How long does it take for a guy to realise that he loves you and wants you back? It's already been over 2 months. I can't believe I am still hurting so much, feels like I just made a huge step back. And that after I decided to leave my mobile at home from now on so I wont be checking for messages all the time. I thought I was progressing. I feel so sad right now, I just cant stop crying. If he is not that happy, then why does not he contact me? Maybe he is just feeling lonely, but knows that he does not want to get back together again. I dont know why but since yesterday I started worrying that he is going to send me a 'goodbye-email'. You know, a mail in which he writes that it is over for good and that I should not be hoping anymore. I dont want to hear that. I'd rather not hear from him anymore then have him tell me that. I hope he is not going to write that, but somehow I have a feeling that he is going to. Maybe so he can feel set free completely. If anyone has anything encouraging and inspiring to say, then please do so. I feel so bad right now.