koline

Hi Foz, I am so sorry to hear this, I know how hard it is to go through this. As you know I did the same thing: I agreed to meet my ex last november and it was a huge mistake because he told me he had a new girlfriend, and I felt even more desesperate than I felt when he broke up with me five months ago. But I also can tell you that I feel much better now! When I went to this meeting I was not even sure I wanted him back anymore, and when I saw him I startedall my old feelings came back, and I ended up crying and telling him I was hoping he had change his mind about the breakup thing. That teached me a lesson: I know I do not want to see him, or even talk to him again. I am quite close to his mother but I never ask her about him, I just do not want to know about his life. It is the way to follow I think. So if your ex call you, do not answer the phone, and if he send you emails delete them.. As other people already said you need to be angry: keep in mind that this guy is the one who moved out 4 months ago while you were in a business trip.. It is certainly not forgivable. I also think the painting story is not really nice to you either.. You will certainly feel angry at him after being sad, it is a normal stage. I did: I was desesperate during two weeks, wanting him back, and then I realized that he was a jerk to me, as he insisted to meet me just to tell me he was with somebody else. At that time, I had lost 15 pounds since the breakup (as i did not eat anything), and he did not even notice it! Well I just hope these few things can help you to feel better soon, I am sure you will make it. Keep posting, we are here for you.

Hi everybody, Well I feel a bit better today. I never thought I could say that but work helps me a lot by keeping me busy! I am going to France next saturday, and that is a strong help too. 2 weeks away, meeting my friends and family. I know that coming back here in January will be quite hard, but I also decided to move on with my life. I will try to find a new apartment, and possibly do some activities to meet people. As you said Foz, the ex leave a huge void in the social life... In my case I came here with him, and during one year as it was not my country and I did not have many contacts I spent all my spare time with him and his old friends. So that is why it is so hard now (I will not repeat this mistake ever). Tryingtobestrong, I just want to tell you that you should not contact him. Not even to tell him that you want NC. If he tries to contact you, then you can tell him to forget it, if his feelings have not change. I believe that if someone leaves you and wants you back he will let you know by any means. If he does not and just calls to be nice, or "honest" you will get more hurt. Just my experience... It is strange how similar is your story: my boyfriend left me just one month and a half after starting his new job. And before that I was (his word not mines) "the only positive thing in his life". Today I sent him an email. I guess I am just in the angry stage and I needed to tell him what I thought about his behaviour, so I did. I told him I could not understand how he could have suddenly doubts and leave me in 15 days, and that telling me two weeks ago about his new gf was either egoism or a complete lack of emotional intelligence. I also told him I would never be a friend for him (as he asked me that last time I saw him). I do not expect an answer and told him not to write back. I was just angry and felt that as I was so desesperate last time we met I could not make clear what he did wrong. It was very important to me. But I guess it helps if you feel that there is no turning back and you need closure, that is where I am now. Keep in touch, Koline

Hi there, Just feeling terrible today, I need to write it down and share. I feel so lonely. Week-ends are so hard now that he left me. I have been thinking the whole day about us, what we used to do, times we spent together..I just wonder if all of that will ever stop ? I try to heal, I try to focus on me... it is just that some days it is too much, I feel desesperate I can not stop questioning myself. What did I do wrong ? Why does he not love me anymore. Why is that happening to me? And more importantly, will it last forever? I do not know if I am strong enough to cope with it. And in the meantime I am sure that he is having a great time with his new girlfriend. God, I do not know what I did to deserve that..

J'ai lu ton histoire motopilote. I am going to answer in english, as it is easier for everybody. I experimented all sorts of feelings since the breakup. After 3 months I thought I was better -not over him- but better. So I agreed to meet him, and that is when I came back to square 1, when he told me he had a girlfriend. That is why I think NC is the way to go. I hurted myself meeting him, so that he could get rid of guilt telling me the true about his relationship. Not really fair... I do not know if it will get better, if I will ever feel happy again, but I know that as everybody on this forum, I have to fight for it. And you have to do it too. What do we have to lose? There is nothing to be afraid of, we have been through the worst chapter. Last thing: you had some beautiful times with your ex, so did I. Life sucks right now, it is true. But it is like paying the bill, it is because we were so high that we are so down now. Do you regret this relationship to have happened? I do not..

Hi Foz and Ebola, Foz, I am so happy for you. It sounds great, you are right when you say it is a new start for you, and it will be full of great new experiences I am sure! I am thinking about doing the same thing when I come back fom France in January. I need this turn in my life. I think these whole 3 and a half months I have been doing nothing to change my lifestyle because I had this little hope he would change his mind, and eventually come back. I did not want to move my world, maybe because I did not want things to change so strongly. I had a depressing week-end, which was in a way a "good" thing because I did a lot of thinking and realized I could not go on with that. So back in January I will look for something else to share. Ebola, you have gone through a very hard confrontation. Do not blame yourself for the sex thing, I think it is so natural, but do not repeat it. I had sex two weeks after the breakup with my ex. I was really looking for it, and I was so desappointed. There was no love from him anymore and I felt really bad when he left, thinking how can he leave me like that after what we shared during more than 3 years! When your daughter feels better, try to do everything to get out of there and go back to your place, away from him.. Foz is a good example that it is the right decision. Talk to you both soon, Koline.

Hi Donna, I totally understand how you feel right now and I know it is devastating. It is for me too, and right now I am alone at "our" home on this friday freaking night wondering if he is somewhere going out with his new girlfriend and having a nice time. It is so unfair. In your case I think I honestly would think about going back near my close friends and family. If you do not have a job right now maybe you should just get a fresh start with the support of the ones who love you. I mean that maybe you have nothing to lose and a lot to win. I understand your concern about your children but it may be better for them too as they will not be happy with you getting sick or falling into depression. I do not know if you plan to visit your family on Christmas but if you do it may be the time to calm down and get a new perspective about the whole situation and what you plan to do. As far as your ex is concerned, I think you should not allow him to get the car and to fix the house. He does not deserve the car and you will not be happy to have him at home if he just sticks on the breakup thing. I know I am in bad position myself, so my advices are not so much help, but people says that it is good to have some exterior thoughts. try to go throught this...we will make it, I am sure!

Hi Foz, I am sorry to hear you do not feel good. You have been so helpfull to me. As you know my situation is quite similar to yours, so I just share with you this moment I can so understand! I feel this horrible sadness to, and can not stop thinking about my ex with his new girlfriend, but I am convinced that you and me we will one day see the light at the end of the tunnel and be happy again. We will meet someone else, we will have meaningful relationships and will take a look back and say: I am much better without him and I learned something from this sad story. You have to keep that in mind. Maybe everything happens for a reason, and maybe we had to live that stage in order to meet the "right one". Sounds idealistic but I am sure that life is full of surprises. We had a really bad one, but some day, soon I hope, we will have a good one. I send you a lot of positive vibes.

Well everybody, Since yesterday I feel a little better. I stopped crying (not a tear in 48 hours), and I eat a bit more. I also have been able to focus on my work. I still feel this incredible sadness but at least I do what I have to do quite normally. What bothers me is I am better for a bad reason: I spoke with my ex's mother on tuesday and she told me he was having a hard time too. I know I should not be happy about that, no because I do not want him to suffer (I actually want him to), but because I am convinced that I must forget him and do not get hope or desesperation each time people tells me how he feels. I went to see a doctor yesterday and he told me something true: it is like I am in a boat on the ocean. If the wind is good, great. But it could possibly be bad too and if I am just following it I could be trapped in a storm. That is why you have to drive firmly your boat, that way you can handle good and bad wind and follow your trip. It is all about creating your own hapiness I guess, and not be so easily destabilised. Easy to say hard to do I know, just wanted to share this thought with you guys.

Hi Foz, It has been a hard day at work, I actually cried there.. I told my colleagues I was going throught personal issues, I hope they understand, but I will hace to put myself together if I do not want everybody to me sick with my behaviour! Unfortunalty this week I have a lot of reports to do and I will have to try to focus on that. I just spoke with my ex's mother, we kept in touch because she is a wonderful person, I know she is very concerned about my situation. She told me that my ex was not doing OK after what happened saturday, and I must say it is good to hear... Tonight I am going to a barbecue with friends, I did not really want to but I will make the effort as it is an opportunity to think about something else. I am so tired with everything righ now.. there is a spanish expression which says "odio lo que veo" which means "I hate what I see" and it is exacty how I feel. It is a good idea to move from your flat and share with people. I think I will probably think about it in January, when I come back from France. I know what you mean about the commitment thing. I was so sure we will be happy together for many years. That is what is the most shocking: I never thought he could possibly leave me at that point, as we were quite happy together. One month before the breakup as we were in the kitchen I hugged him and said I was so lucky to have him, and he hugged me back and said the same thing.. Strange life no?

Hi Foz, I will try to eat more, I will bring some fruits at work and try to eat a bit during the day. I know the next step is trying to do some activities, make myself busy and meet new people. I just can not force myself right now but when I come back from France I will try to change my lifestyle. I have to do that because it is too painful going to work and coming back at night in this empty apartment. Week-ends are a nightmare for me, althought I go out with friends, but these days are just so meaningful for me.. I always remember how I was happy when friday was coming because I knew we had two days to spend together. Now I wake up on saturday morning and just feel that big loneliness. I also was convinced my ex was doing a sort of commitment crisis: when he broke up he told me he just could no stand the stability of our life and that he was afraid of the long term between us. I lost my father one year and a half ago, and I know it has been difficult for him to see me sad and negative. I also believe that after what happened to me I was looking even more for stability, and he obviously was not at the same level. Posting here and expressing my feelings is truly helping me, because we have quite similar experiences and it is great to have advices from someone who actually knows what I am going throught. Have to go to work, Thanks Foz.

Hi Foz, How are you? Do you still think about your ex going out with this girl o did you manage to focus on yourself and get rid of that type of thoughts? My ex was 29. I just got an email from him explaining that he was so sorry for me and that he did not mean to hurt me when he told me about that girl, but did not want me to hear that from someone else. He also write that he has been through a hard time as well, and that it was a difficult decision to break up with me etc... He is a smart guy and I just do not understand how he could even imagine that I would be OK knowing about his gf. I mean, even dumpers usually feel jealous or bad when this happen, so how could he imagine that me, the 3 years relationship dumpee, still living in the apartment we shared, miles away from my family, I would stay calm hearing that? I just can not understand because I was the dumper once in a long relationship and the whole process of the breakup was totally different: - I spent one year with this guy having doubts - I discussed our problems with him and tried to make it work again - The last six months I never told him I loved him. - When I finally broke up I met my ex I never ever told him I was with someone else...there was no point hurting him! Anyway, maybe I should not have read this email, but I could not help it. I also thought as you say that it can be a rebound relationship and that it will not last long. At the same time I feel I should not even think about him or his relationship and try to focus on myself, maybe meet someone else. I will try. I must try because I just can not go through this incredible pain for long. I was such a mess today at work, everybody could see how devastated I was, even people I had just phone contact with! Right now I will try to eat something because I have lost a lot of weight these past few months and I do not want my mother to have a heart attack when she see me! I smoke a lot too, which is not helping, but I can not really focus on that now. Hope you are doing OK now Foz, and I hope in some weeks/months we will both be able to have a different perspective about this whole thing.

Hi everyone, Thanks for taking time to help me. Foz, I have just read your story which is quite similar to mine and it gives me hope because it seems you are already starting to feel better. I am coming back to France at the end of December to spend Christmas with my family, I think I could not handle to be alone at that time. You are right when you say not to make any important decision about coming back in the long term. I just think it would be so hard to come back heartbroken, and have to find a new job, have to rebuilt everything. For now I think I should just stay and try to heal and do a lot of thinking and then make the right decision. It is so hard right now to wake up in the morning and to remember all that nightmare! I think that in the past three months I have been more or less all right because I always thought there was a possibility he would come back, and no that this possibility is gone I do not know how to handle the whole thing. It is so hard for me to think that he likes somebody else, that he kisses her, makes love to her, going out with her in the places we used to go together. Thinking about that is driving me crazy. I always knew that he would possibly go out and date but I could not imagine he would have a regular girlfriend at that point. What about the three years spent together? How could he ever tell meabout this girl? When I asked him why he was telling me all that he just answered that he thought I was doing OK and he wanted to be fully honest with me. What kind of honesty is that please, he is putting me trough hell... I have been so dumb to think he contacted me because maybe he missed me and wanted to come back. I have to go to work now, and I do not know how I will be able to smile and be nice and work normally. And I do not want to think about next week-end because I know it will be so hard to deal with it. I hope we can keep in touch Foz, you have been giving me great advices and seem to be a really nice person, Thanks!

Thanks for the advice CarterJonas. Actually I am so sad that I know I would not make any good decision right now so it is too soon to decide if I should come back to France. What bothers me most is that I have a great job here, so I would lose this opportunity if I decide to give up and come back. But it is so dificult. My mother keeps telling me I should come back, and I feel so alone here..I have good friends but mainly couples, they have their lifes and currently mine is broken. I wonder what did I do to live that? How could that happen to me? I was so sure we were meant to be..and now it is so over. Sorry for being negative and sad on this post, but right now I just can not help it.

Hi everyone, First of all I hope you apologize my english, but I am french and currently living in a spanish-speaking country, so I forgot a bit my english classes..Anyway I will try to make my story clear. So I lived a 3 years relationship with a wonderful guy that I assumed, was the man of my life. I had boyfriends before him, but none could make me feel how he was making me feel. Last year, as he comes from south america, I decided to move there, we started living together, I found a great job, and we had a great relationship, no fight, everything was OK. He was having a hard time finding an interesting job but finally got it in May, and as it was our major problem at that time, I was sure that everyting could only change for the better. Well, everything changed but for the worst. In July he started having doubts about us, about his feelings and was not sure then to be willing to commit in a long term. He finally dumped me in August and moved out our apartment, and left telling me maybe in a few monts, let's see what happens. I was devastated but I quickly started to heal, because without admit it, I was hoping this would be a kind of commitment crisis and that he would come back, with time. I did no contact the whole time (3 months), but he recently called me for my birthday and we decided to meet for a coffee. That was yesterday, and one of the worst moment in my life. He told me that he wanted to make clear that he would not come back, that he thought he had made the right decision and finally that he was currently "seeing someone". I was out of breath and it was like a wall falling on me.. He told me he wanted to be honest, and that he hpode we could be friends, of course I said no! How can he be so blind and not see how horrible this whole conversation would be for me? I did not contact him, why calling me to telle me such a thing? I am so desesperate right now, I do not know what to do to stop that incredible pain I feel. It is like my world is over. My family lives in France and the only thing I can do for support is call them and cry. How do you guys make it in this situation? I am usually a strong person but now I feel I just can not make it, I can not stop crying, and I hate everything. If you have been through that please help me I really need it, Thanks.