alphonsefa

Hey Dan and Napoleon, Napoleon, I agree that she may be a loser, something she'd probably readily admit to you. But the loser part comes from what she has damaged, and what she has given away. Though she may have tagged me as being needy for her, never have I asked her to come back to me while we were apart. In fact, I told her point blank, that I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me. The irony of this last breakup is that it was I that brought things to a head. She had come over to give me her key back and pick up her clothes. In fact when she handed the key to me, she said, "this doesn't mean anything" and smiled. She was going into her, "I just want to be alone for a while moods". What percipitated that whole thing was a conversation that we had a few days before that. This girl knows she is F'd up, and from time to time she would flat out tell me that I should keep my options open if I meet someone else. Even went to the point of telling me that it wouldn't bother her if I was dating someone else. In the past I'd tell her that she is the only woman that I wanted and that finding someone else wasn't even a thought. But on this last occasion I had enough of the B.S. and decided to call her on it by throwing her words back in her face. This time I told her that I agree with her, that should I meet someone that I have a chance of a long term future with, I would seriously consider it. When she came back this last time, the third time (it sounds freaking ridiculous even saying that doesn't it?), she said she wanted to take things day by day. I told her fine, we'll just date each other, and to alleviate any stress or pressure she may have been feeling, that all of the plans we had made in the past were now off the table. I told her that everytime she faces a commitment with me, she runs. So to make life easier on everyone, we would take things day by day, and that there were no expectations or obligations on either of our parts. She was free to come and go as she liked, and so was I. At first she seemed receptive to the idea, but the next couple of days she did a 180 on it, for I had snatched away everything she had worked for with me, and basically categorized her as just another woman to date and pass the time with, until the real thing came along. All I was doing was protecting myself, and treating her the way she had treated me. During our relatuonship, never once did she curse at me, or purposely put me down. But, she did mis-characterize me a great deal. When I said that she mis-took my kindness for weakness, I meant every word of it. The reason I showed her so much love was simple. It wasn't because she had any sort of control over me or that I wouldn't be able to live without her, it was simply because I loved her and that's how I am with the people I deem as special in my life. I also knew how I was with people, especially women in relationships. When I've given you my best, and been myself and not played these foolish games to make you want me more; and you've rejected me, I walk! I usually walk for good with this being the only exception. The night she picked up her clothes, I was downright brutally honest with her. I told her she was a sick F*** for crying in bed on Christmas night because I didn't propose to her, and then the next day breaking up with me, waiting a whole week, and then spending New Years with the abusive Ex boyfriend. I said, "he's a sick F*** for treating you like that, and you're a sick F*** for going back". On the way out the door I told her, "next time you get depressed, don't F***IN call me". She turned and said disgustedly, "I WILL NEVER CALL YOU AGAIN"! To which I responded, "good, go the F away, you're a nightmare, and you've always been a nightmare". It was a side of me that she had never seen. A month later I sent her that short email, and then followed up with the phone call. She didn't want to talk, so I threw the towel in. Stopped all contact with her! I didn't do it to get her back, or to get back at her. I did it because everything was just too much of a struggle, and that's not what life or love are about. Life is hard enough without creating your own problems, something she was an expert at. Just as things would start to go great for her and for I, she would blow it all up. I was absolutely stunned when she left that first time. This was a girl, a few days before, sitting at lunch telling me how much she hates going to work later that day because she wanted to hang out with me; that even when she's in work she thinks about spending time with me. Then in the blink of an eye, for no reason whatsoever, she threw me away. Though I was crushed, I was more scared than anything. Not scared of losing her, scared of how easy she could turn her emotions on and off. So I let her be, something I have done everytime she has walked away. I walked because I realized this was a dangerous person to consider sharing a life with. Though I love her with all of my heart, and always will, she has continually brought me a great deal of pain. The only solice I took from it was that I never showed her just how much pain she caused me. Dan, my advice to you is "do as I do", and not as I say. Forget the games, forget the perceptions, and forget over thinking everything. Just be yourself, and trust in your decisions. If you try again with her, just give it your best effort, if she throws it away, walk with your head up because at least you will be able to leave with a clear conscious. Though it will be painful, at least you won't second guess yourself. The worst thing is to lose someone because you were playing games and not being yourself. There's nothing wrong with losing them after you've given them your best. Even though she has called me, which was done to get her foot back in the door, I will not initiate any contact with her at all! I'm not doing this as a game, I'm doing it to protect me. First and foremost, should I contact her and not get the response I want, I'd be devestated again. I'd feel like Charlie Brown when Lucy moves the football on him. Secondly, as far as control goes, it's something I never tried to get, but for her to call after my words to her, and her words to me, I'd say that in her mind, it's something that she is starting to doubt that she ever had. I think that she thought I'd fall to pieces without her, when in fact my life and my career have done the opposite. By giving her space and letting her play this dangerous game, she has no idea what she has risked. She may have already lost me because should I begin dating her again, I would lose the girl I am with forever. So for me to get back with her, I have to risk 2 relationships, and her past behavior doesn't warrant that sacrafice from me.

Thanks guys! Hey Dan, how you been my man. Yes Dan's Ex and my Ex were cut from the same cloth; I know Dan't story well. It's funny how I can look at his circumstances and offer logical, sound, advice, yet when I look at mine it's nothing but fog. I know he feels the same way. When your emotions are involved, your judgment is clouded, and sometimes you need to hear things you may already know, even if they are from complete strangers. What upset me about her contacting me is that she obviously knows I care for her, I always have. She knows that she has hurt me greatly on more than a couple of occasions. She is the one that said she is not good at relationships, that she wants to be alone, that I don't need be in a relationships with someone who has severe bouts of depression, and that she was going to eventually F this thing up. At first I fought those notions. But after seeing how easily she hurt me and would cast me off, I came to agree with her. And though it was the hardest thing I ever had to do, I vowed now to contact her anymore after the last breakup. I even started forgetting about her, went through hours upon hours of the day with her not even being a thought. She knows, she has to, that when she called me up to "see how I was doing", she was drawing me into something she told me numerous times that she didn't want me any part of. If you don't love someone, let them go. To hang on the way she is doing is really cruel when I think about it. It's nothing but a tease to me.

1. How long was the period of nc for? 2 1/2 months, and 3 1/2 since we've seen each other. The only contact we had on that 3 1/2 month stretch was a month after the last break up. I sent her an email telling her I'm sorry things turned out the way they did between us and that I loved her and always will; I never begged her or for that matter asked her to come back. The next night I followed the email up with a phone call, asked her if we could talk, and she emphatically said, "NO"! I said, "well I wanted to talk with you, but if that's your attitude, I'm sorry I called. Then I calmly hung up, and we then had no contact for another 2 1/2 months. 2. How intermittent was the contact in the beginning once contact had been re-established? This past Tuesday, June 7th, was the first she's called me in 2 1/2 months. This was a girl that told me angrily, that "I will never call you again". She's good at turning her emotions on and off so when the next contact may be, I don't know. It could be next week, or knowing her, it could be never again. 3. How did you feel between calls/contact.....optimistic, confused as to where this was leading or in fact healthy for your healing? Honestly, I'm ticked off that she is so self centered and malicious as to continue the game playing by calling just to see how I've been doing. O could've dropped dead in the first 3 1/2 months and she would've never acknowledged my death, now she is suddenly concerned about my welfare?! What is that about??? I'm also confused and hate havig those feelings back. Everything becomes and analyzation again. I now think about why she called, what was the purpose of the call, and will she call again. She was very self centered during our time together. She'd hurt you in the blink of an eye ifit meant getting what she wanted. I had all but written her off before she called. Her last boyfriend of six years abused her. mistly mentally, but some physical too. She'd break up with him for 2 to 3 months at a time and then get back together with him. Basically I told her off at the end, in a very non threatening way, never laid a hand on her, nor would I. I figured she didn't truly care abut me because I was being given the exile treatment, and yet the boyfriend that brought her life pain and turmoil was good enough to always get back together with. Knowing that hurt very greatly, but it helped me accept how little I must've really meant to her. Now thus stupid phone call has sent me back to square one again. I don't know what to think anymore now. 4. Did you get back together? I highly doubt it. This is a pattern for her. She knows I care for and that contacting me would do nothing but get my hopes up again. Yet to call just to see how I've been seems like the same old typical games and nothing but having the relatioship on her terms again. The other wild card dynamic of this relationship is that I do have another woman in my life that I care for very greatly, yet a long term future with her is extremely doubtful given circumstances that I'd rather not mention. It's a very old firlfriend that I re-establihed contact with after the Ex dumped me. But I know for certain, If I went back with my Ex, I'd absolutely lose her forever, and I don't know if that's a sacrafice that I'm willing to make. My fear is that if I go back to the EX, things blow up again in a month or two, like they always have in the past, and then I've lost both women. Even though present circumstances dictate that a long term fiture is highly unlikely with the present girl, I love her greatly, and have gotten the same from her in returm. She has never hurt me, nor do I think she ever would. Going back to the Ex right now is an all or nothing bet, and I don't think she's steady enough to warrant such a bet. So I use my fear of losing the present woman as strength to stay strong and not contact the Ex, for if I do contact her, things would get very complicated, and people would get hurt emotionally very soon. I have no idea how this will play out now.

Thanks for the great replies all! Was this a testing the water call from her, to see if I'd hang up on her or tell her off? Or was this a let me keep tabs on him call in case I decide to change my mind again call? Napoleon, I kept the conversation limited to talking about work only. The most persoanl question I asked her was, "how have you been?". It was obvious that she wanted to end the conversation when she said, "okay, well I just wanted to call to see how you've been". I just said, "okay. well it was good hearing from you, take care" and the we said bye. Napoleon, you deinitely had some very relevant points, especially the selfishness of it. This is a girl, whose personal life has been a living hell for the last 6 years, something that she'd readily admit to. I guess I did take a lot of it personally. First of all, I'm a hell of a nice guy, but have never been a doormat for anyone! I'm good looking, and I don't say that with arrogance, I've always dated attractive women. I'm successful, and have a very interesting and colorful work history. It just floored me that it amounts to her dumping me twice for a guy that wasn't in my league. He's not even playing the same game! What hurt most of all was that we had a story book romance that she tarnished forever. Once the trust factor is breached, I don't think you ever fully make it back to normalcy. I have no intention of initiating contact either via phone or email. I think the call may have been her cracking the door open and saying it's now okay to call her, which I won't. Everything is always on her terms. I let a month pass last time and she wanted nothing to do with me when I called. But now that she decides contact is okay, it's fine to pick up the phone and call me. I could've been a J*** Off and hung up on her, but I thought that would've given her an easy way out by her concluding that I still hated her. My intention was to show her that I can do just fine without her in my life, and to raise doubts about her very poor decisions concerning our relationship. I don't think she really wants me back. I just think she's lonely, she has no friends to talk to, no one in her family to confide in, and I've just become a friendly voice from the past to boost her ego, when she is feeling down; something I have no intention of being. It just seems bizarre that for 3 1/2 months, I could've died and she would've never acknowledged it, and now suddenly she's concerned for my welfare. That makes absolutely no sense, and maybe that's what I'm struggling with, the reason for this how have you been phone call. What were her motives for this intrusive call? What do I say and do if she should call again?

Trev, Nursing school was an excuse, a lame on at that. Just as my ex girl's depression was an excuse for her. If you have something that is precious to you, you don't cast it aside for anything in this world, it's against human nature. She took your love for granted, you made things too easy for her because you loved her. You like I did nothing wrong, you were just being real and showing your feelings. Don't play her games Trev, don't be her friend, make her live with her decision. Don't be afraid to lose her by ignoring her, afterall she's the one that ended the relationship. If she really wants you back, there's nothing, come hell or high water, that will stop her from contacting you and telling you how she truly feels. If she can't even bring herself to do that minimum of a thing, ask yourself, is that really a woman you want to spend your life with? I've been through this type of drama more that you can imagine. I have an ex that keeps casting me off, telling to find some else, and then calling up months later "just to see how I'm doing". Yeah right! Didn't care how I was doing when she broke my hear the three times she has turned her back on me previously, now she is worried about how I am doing? Doesn't really make a lot of sense logically does it? I'm done with the games, as should you be. This chick is playing you, jeeping you on a short leash in case she should happen to change her mind or feel a little lonely, un wanted, and un loved. Don't give her that satisfaction of control. Cut her off now, go NC!

I feel you my man. I have a girl that has continually cast me off and then emerges a month, 2 months, and 3+ months down the line. She just called me tonight after 3 1/2 months of N/C. To tell you the truth I'm erked that she did. She called to "see how I was doing". She didn't care about that the three previous times she walked and broke my heart. Now all of a sudden she is wondering how I am doing? I don't get it either Doc, she tells me she doesn't want me, and I leave her alone; then she calls me back?! She's the one that told me, "don't keep beating this thing to death". Why would she be so cold to call me? It's obvious that as much as she misses me, she can't even bring herself to say it, instead it's these childish games of calling to see how I am. Give me a break! It's really cruel when I think about it. Here I am, respecting her wishes and leaving her alone, and there she is pulling this stuff.

Wow, what a roller coaster this has all been! I started posting here back in November when the girl I planned on marrying, having a family with, buying a house with, and sharing a life with; out of the blue, left me to go back to an abusive boyfriend she had been with for six years. Some physical abuse, but the most damaging was the mental abuse. For those interested in knowing more, you can follow my drama by reading my previous posts. But to make a long story short, she wound up coming back 2 weeks after she first left. Then on Christmas night, it all blew up again. She told me things like she didn't want to be the center of my life, that I needed to get my own life, that it "just wasn't there in the end", that she wasn't the one for me, and that I needed to keep getting out there until I found someone. Strange part is that though I loved her to death and would've given her the world, she mis-interpreted that as being needy of her. Both times we broke up, I initially tried to get her back. I never asked her back, but I left the door for her to get back. In retrospect, I made it too easy for her to get back. She would pick up and put down the ex-abusive boyfriend at will, and he'd always go back to her. I had told her that if you want me in your life long term, you can't pick me up and put me down anytime you het depressed. She has major problems with depression and even takes medication for it. Given her background and circumstances, I treated her differently. I gave her too much leeway and excused a lot of bad, and hurtful behavior. Please learn from me and never let anyone treat you poorly, regardless of their circumstances. Their problems are not your problems, and if you're not careful they will suck you in like a whirlpool and drag you down with them. Soon you lose yourself in their drama and the relationship becomes an exercise in analyzing everything the other person says. It becomes an emotional drain in every part of your life. With that being said, after all of the hurtful, cold, and dismissive things she said to me, she called me back yet a third time and we re-united. It lasted all of a couple of weeks. Again, the breakup having to do with her emotional states swinging back and forth; one week she wants me, the next she wants to be alone. Finally, after getting the cold shoulder from her yet a third time (yup I got hit by the same bus 3 times, dumb I know!), I had enough. When she came to pick up her clothes I had also packed up all the clothes she had given me. When she came in to get her stuff and give me my keys, I justifiably ripped her a new one and showed her a side of me that she hadn't seen before. I wasn't threatening, but I was brutally honest with her and told her that he was messed up for the way he treated her, and that she was messed up for going back to that. Told her that next time she gets depressed, not to call me. Told her that she was a nightmare and always has been a nightmare. I'll never forget her turning to me while going to her car and saying, I'll never call you again! A month later after no contact, I write her an email telling her that I'm sorry things turned out the way they did, that I still loved her and always would, and that the time that's wasting away should've been our time together building our dreams. Got no response! Next night I call and have a 30 second conversation. I ask, "can we talk"? She emphatically says NO! I say, "well I wanted to talk with you, but if that's your attitude, I'm sorry I called". Then I calmly hung up. Two and a half months pass with NC at all between us. The phone rings tonight and it's her, said she just wanted to know how I was doing. I told her real good, and for the next five mintutes we talked about my new job and her job; nothing mentioned about us. We ended the conversation when she said, "well I just wanted to see how you were doing". I said, "I'm doing good, it was good hearing from you, take care". Then we both said goodbye. Here's the problem and it's something that a lot of you are experiencing that have your ex calling you back. It's obvious that this girl still cares for me. She's swallowing her pride to call me. We know she didn't call to see how I was, she called to test the waters. It's also obvious that she has the ability to "turn me off" at times. What I mean is, she can go long periods wothout thinking about me or wanting to be with me. Even though it's obvious that she wants back, it's a half hearted attempt at best. Do I really want someone who so easily had brought great pain to me, and has done it so coldly? I've done my work in this relationship, she got two more chances that I've never given anyone else before. She told me once that no one has ever treated her as good as I have. I wound up getting taken for granted. I told her when we broke up the last time, "you've mistaken my kindness for weakness". Once someone crosses a line like this and has willingly hurt you in the past, it's not a matter of if they will do it again, it's a matter of when they will do it again. I don't believe you can change someone, and I don't believe you can rescue a relationship, once the person you love betrays you. The more I think about her calling, it bothers me. How dare she call me! What is she thinking? She's the one that wanted to be alone, she's the one that didn't want me in her life. I left her alone, totally alone. How cold and cruel is this woman to call me up to see how I am doing?! There was no reason for her to call! It's like someone picking at a wound that was on it's way to healing. What does she want from me? Am I her security blanket? Confused as ever, and welcome your feedback. Thanks for reading this long post.

I have made many long posts about my roller coaster ride with my Ex-girlfriend (feel free to do a search on my name, alphonsefa, to find them). I never thought I would've been caught up in a relationship like this. I hate myself for still caring about her. Since our breakup I have dated two beautiful women and yet for some reason I still think of her. What confuses me most is that as things have begun to fall into place for me, both professionally and personally, and new opportunities continue to open up, I am now thinking about her even more. I'm as busy as you can be, and yet still feel like this is that one scar that will never completely heal. It's like I have all of these great things going on in my life and dread coming home because I wish she was still there to share them with. I guess I'm in love with the thought of her, and not who she really is as a person. She showed me flashes of my perfect woman and those times are burned in my memory. Yet with her past, the abusive relationship and the bouts of severe depression, she just can't keep the train on the tracks. Her M.O. is to sabotage everything that is good in her life. She has done it with every relationship she has been in. Yet for some stupid reason, I thought I was different; that I was the one that could show her how great life could really be when you truly love someone. But she just can't keep it together emotionally, despite the years of counseling she's had. It's the hardest thing in the world to watch someone you wanted to share your life with, sabotage themselves and everything around them. When I intelligently step back and look at things, the way she treated me and acted was way out of line. She is what you would term, passive aggressive. She never cursed at me, never hollered at me, and would never argue with me; yet she would say and do things that would just rip my heart out. As much as I want her back, I know I don't want her back the way she was and probably still is. We had 3 breakups, none of them my fault or my initiation (please no lectures on it being both people being at fault). What was my fault was excusing her behavior the first time she took off to go back to her ex-boyfriend who was abusive to her. I think I gave her way too much slack, given her tumultous background when it came to relationships. She sucked me back in by telling me that she wasn't physically intimate with him after our break up. And honestly, I was wanting to get sucked back in. And as twised as she is, she is truthful about some things and that was one of them. Just the thought of her being with him, after everything she told me about him, was disgusting. The second time we broke up was at Christmas. A month had passed and she started contacting me because she owed me money. The night she came over to pay me, we wound up having sex (totally unexpected), and she began calling again to come over my house. Then one day, about a week after we were back together, she tells me that she went back to the abuser on New Years day. There I was feeling like I could throw up on New Years Day and she was back with a guy that treated her like dirt. The thought of her being with him, after she swore she told him that they were done after our first breakup, repulsed me. That night I start throwing her own words back in her face and basically calling her bluffs. I wasn't mean at all, I just started agreeing with her view of our relationship and for some odd reason it didn't sit well. She didn't like it at all and again I got the cold shoulder. That went on for a week and then when she came over to pick up her laundry, I told her that for her to lay in bed crying (this happened Christmas night and was the night of our second breakup) because she wanted a ring and wanted an engagement (something I had every plan of doing, just not on Christmas night, my plans were for Valentine's day!); and then a week after dumping me, go back to an abusive ex again, was sick. Also told her that she was sick. I told her that they deserve each other because, he was a sick F*** for treating her the way he does, and that she is a sick F*** for going back. On the way out the door I told her that next time she gets depressed, "don't call me". She said she'd never call again. To which I responded, "good, you're a F***in nightmare and you've always been a F***in nightmare. It was a culmination of the frustration and constant mixed feelings she was showing me. One day she's making appointmetns to look at houses for us, and the next day she wants to be alone. This behavior was reapeated over and over. Running to me and then running from me, over and over again. Those statements may sound harsh, but in all honesty she deserved to hear it. She went back on everything she had told me and my forgiving nature had reached its limits. We had no contact for a month until I wrote her a short email telling her that I'm sorry things ended this way and that I still love her and always will. In no way did I beg for her to come back, it was more of a "what a shame things between us didn't work out, we could've had a great life together" kind of letter. The next night I called her and asked right away, "can we talk". She angrily and almost dismissively said, "NO". It's been 2 months since that phone call. I suspect I'm getting my wish this time and that I am out of sight and out of mind for her. I know that any further contact with her will have the opposite effect of what I would want. I treated her great (her words not mine), and loved her. Now I guess this thing ahs been beaten to death and the damage has been done. I guess I'm just hurting that I hope against all hope, that she'll do an about face and miss me once again. Yet her silence speaks volumes as to her feeling for me and my importance in her life. She manages a store in a local mall, and I have avoided shopping there since the breakup. I fight the urge to pick up the phone or write an email everyday. I told her I wouldn't chase her like the abusive Ex does. He shows up to her house uninvited, her work uninvited, calls and leaves pleading messages to her about how bad his life is without her. Though I wish there was an un-obtrusive, extremely subtle way, to remind her of me. Yet I know there isn't and that the only control of the situation I have, is to let her go; someting I convince myself I've done at times, but then it just comes back. No matter how much I date, how busy I keep myself, I secretly hold the hope that she'll figure it all out, swallow her pride a little, and call me up. Yet I know it's all in vain. People never do change, do they?! Don't know why I'm hung up on her. Dating has never been a problem, I have been with other women since her, I am attractive, in shape, own a beautiful house, and have an excellent career. Yet I'm haunted and wish there was someway to get her back. Your input would be greatly appreciated.

Pretty simple course of action dude, trust me on this one, I've been through it. First and foremost, meet her like you planned. Secondly, screw the games that so many advise playing. Many people advise to play it cool, not talk about the relationship, and act like you're very happy. I'll tell you exactly what this does, it excuses her bad behavior and opens the door way too wide, for her to stroll back in your life. When someone treats you bad, you need to hold them accountable. Now you don't have to act bitter or mad to do this, you just have to be brutally honest with her. By being brutally honest you have a much greater chance of gaining her respect. Very early in the conversation, tell her that you were very surprised to hear from her, and ask her why she called you. Don't let her give you a lame answer like, "I just wanted to see how you were doing". Call her on it if she throws that one at you. Respond with, "after all of these months apart, now you're worried how I'm doing? I don't buy it, why did you really call me?" Make her be honest with you and yourself dude, don't make it comfortable for her like so many advise. Again, I speak from experience here. If you make it easy for her, you again relinquish control to her, because she feels that she can then pick you up and put you down anytime she wants, and she will either turn you into her safety net, or worse yet, just flat out take you for granted. That comment she made that broke you two up, should be put right back in her face. Tell her that you didn't appreciate it and it wasn't the response you expected. Tell her that you've always treated her with kindness, but that she had mistaken your kindness for weakness. Trust me on this, screw the games, say the things you need to say. Be totally honest with yourself and with her. The reason it's better this way is that if she walks again, which they usually do, at least you have a total clear conscience and have no regrets. If you play a game to get her back, it will end up blowing up in your face because she will have you walking on egg shells, trying not to say the wrong thing. You went 7 months with N/C, trust me, you've proven to her that you don't need her. That was a major blow to her ego! Congratulations to you for being able to do that! Call her on her BS, flat out ask her, what do you want with me? And be sure to tell her, "I'm too close to you to just be your friend. I still care for you but I won't let anyone treat me the way you treated me that last year of our relationship". You don't have to use my words, but it's important you say what you need to say, and that you understand the intention of this meeting isn't for you to turn yourself into her door mat. Get all of that garbage that has been built up in you out, and put her on the spot. If she walks she walks, if you cave, she'll wind up playing you again.

Hey Wimpy, Glad I could help in some small way. My head was telling me that what was going on was wrong, but my emotions masked my logic. I very rarely give second chances, she was a unique exception. I think I gave her too much leeway because I knew of her past, the abuse he put her through, the bouts of depression she goes through, and the fragility of her character. Soon I was making excuses for what was obviously ba behavior. Don't ever make excuses for bad behavior, regardless of what someones past is, and by all means never accept bad behavior. I swear to you that this is an unrefutable fact that if yoy accept someone treating you poorly, they will continue to do it. Not only will they continue to do it, they will come to take you for granted, and worse yet, resent you. I know it hurts, but you can't make someone else love you. If someone dumps you they are cutting you out of their life. If that's what they want then you have an obligation to yourself to make sure you cut them off too. Don't allow them to be your friend, and don't allow them to keep you on an emotional leash. People are drawn to strength, in all aspects of life. Even though you are the one who got dumped, you can demonstrate a tremendous amount of strength by cutting off all contact with that person. Many times the person that dumped you will turn around some time in the future and realize what they have actually lost, and then they will contact you again. But it's a trap, because as soon as they know they have you back, and something that they perceive as more appealing comes along, they will leave you again. The reason being is because you aren't a challenge to them, and when a realationship isn't a challenge for some people, they take it for granted. With het, I was't looking for a challenge, just someone that would love me the way I loved them. She simply wasn't capable of it for whatever reasons. She is the one that is broken, not me. More people that get dumped have to realize that. Just because you got dumped doesn't make you the problem. Professionally I am very successful, and personally I have it all together. Not only was I more attractive than the guy she was with (let's say dating has never been hard for me), more successful than the guy she was with, and most importantly treated her and loved her better than anyone ever has (her words, not mine). I still lost her and knowing that she still had feelings for someone who treated her so poorly will challenge and chip away at people of even the stromgest character. I've never doubted myself, always knew who I was, but she had me to a point where I was walking on egg shells. Not that I feared a verbal confrontation with her, because she rarely would argue anything. Her solution is to throw everything away and go be by herself. But my ego took a major blow through all of this, but guess what, I bent, but didn't break. In the end, she'll be the one who thinks of me, and by the time she realizes the consequences of it all, I will have moved on. That's the dangerous game she is unknowingly playing.

Just read your post and I know that pain you are feeling now, it's a feeling I battle with myself everyday because the woman I truly loved is gone too. You are no loser, you're just hurt. There was a very telling line in your post and it's one I had to come to terms with myself. You said, "my girlfriend has abandonded me when i needed her the most". Someone who truly loves you would never abandon you at this most trying time. Not that it makes the pain you are feeling any easier, but it really says a lot about how she truly feels about you, doesn't it?! I know that logic isn't your best friend at this moment because you are hurting emotionally. But, do you really want someone in your life who would turn their back on you when you needed them most? Don't ever settle for someone treating you like that. I know you don't feel this way now, but she has done you a great favor, she's shown you her true character. She's abandon you when you needed her most. Never forget that and think about the coldness in her heart for her to do that to you. Any contact you have with her from here on out should only be in regard to your son. Don't under any circumstances mention the relationship between you two when you talk. Cut your personal life off from her, keep it a mystery to her; and by no means, tell her how you feel. Put on a good face when you are around her and when she asks you how are doing tell her, "just fine". Have as little direct contact with her as you can. Let her miss you. She won't miss you if she knows you are broken emotionally. If she knows she has broken you emotionally, she has all of the control; and those feelings of love she once had for you will resurface as pity for you. When she feels pity for you, she will console you, turn you into just a friend, and may keep you on an emotional leash as her backup plan if things don't quite turn out the way she thinks they will. And rest assured, things never do quite turn out the way people think they will. Trust me on this one, I've seen this little play acted out many times. If you really want her back you have to shock her. The way you do that is acting like, "oh well too bad things didn't work between us, time to move on, take care of yourself". She will come back to you if you can keep it together. But then you are going to have to make the decision of whether to take her back or not. Though she may come back, she will leave again and again. Once a relationship starts down this path, the train is off the tracks and will eventually head over the cliff. It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when. I had crossed paths with a girl I graduated high school with 20 years ago! Everything about us worked and we were truly happy. So much so that we were looking at houses to buy, making plans for a wedding, and a family. She opened up to me and told me things about herself that she's never told anyone before. I accepted her for her, regardless of her troubled past. She had been in a 6 year abusive relationship before she began dating me. Much of the abuse she suffered was mental and there was some physical abuse. Emotionally, he broke her more than I ever realized. She did the whole counseling thing but the scars are too deep and never will heal. The stunning part to me is that physically she is drop dead gorgeousm yet he played on every insecurity she had to control her. Even more stunning is that she is way above the guy she was with. In other words, she was totally out of his league. He's a fat pig, with a dead end job and no future. How's this for an ego blow? As we were starting to narrow down a few of the houses we looked at, she broke off with me, and went back to that loser. I sent a her a couple of emails, never asking her back, but telling het that she was making the mistake of a lifetime. I called her once to say my peace and then threw my hands in the air in frustration and walked away from it all. I was crushed, but never let her know it. Two weeks later I got a hysterical message on my answering machine telling me how right I was about everything. She thought she could change the abuser, just like I thought I could change her, and we were both wrong. She started calling again and asked to come back. Stupidly I let her! We began dating again, started to put the pieces back together of the future we had once planned for, and "bam", she takes off again! I go through my usual paces, a couple of emails and a phone call, all falling on deaf ears, as usual. She leaves me a final phone message telling me how "it just wasn't there in the end" and some other very cold,yy and emotionally detached things. Crushed again, I break all contact off with her, certain that this time the train went off the cliff. Three weeks later, the phone rings and it's her in tears, telling me how she has nothing to look forward to anymore, that I was the greatest guy in the world, and that no one has ever treated her as good as I had. Again, my heart is thinking instead of my head. We start seeing each other again and it goes well for the first week, then her mood swings start again and it's becoming clearly obvious that I'm about to get hurt again. So I rip her verbally, telling her everything I should've the first time she threw this relationship away. Everything I told her was the truth and I was justified in everything I said, she deserved every bit of it. She treated me badly and I let her know it and let her know that she has mistaken kindness for weakness. A month passed by and I emailed her telling her that I was sorry things turned out the way they did and that I always loved her and always will. Then followed up the next night with a phone call that was met coldly by her when I asked her, "can we talk"? She emphatically said, "NO". I said, "well if that's your attitude, I'm sorry I called", then I calmly hung up. That was 5 weeks ago, the longest we'd gone without contact. It's over! But, I like you can leave with a clear conscience. I gave the relationship everything I had and treated her the way I wanted to be treated. But she continually turned her back on me everytime I needed her. As much as I love her and want her, and I do! She's bad news for me, and will be for anyone she's involved with. She has the ability to be the nicest, sweetest, woman, you could ever hope to meet; and then she can be cold, detached, and removed, in the blink of an eye. You need someone who is going to stick by you through the good and bad times. If I married her, I'd be settling, because even though I love her and would've done anything for her. She couldn't have truly loved me, regardless of her words and letters, because people who love you don't hurt you and walk away. Don't let her bring you down, she's not worth it. Spend that emotion you have on someone who truly deserves it. Good luck.

Sometimes we miss the most obvious things; I'm a prime example myself. The most obvious thing you must realize and hold onto is that you cannot kill true love. That may sound simplistic but it's an undeniable fact of life. We all have arguments and disagreements with each other, but never once would I do anything to jeapordize the relationship, because I loved her with all of my heart. From reading your posts, you are the same exact way. There's no statement or small incident that drove him away; don't beat yourself up with the "should've and could've" things. Those are the things that derail us; we sit there and think, "geeze, if only I would've said this or done this", this might of never happened. That second guessing stuff is the real illusion, and nothing comes from it except more pain and heartache. You can't kill true love, it's an impossibility. The problem we fall into sometimes is that we let out emotions cloud the reality of the situation. Truly think about this...If you had the love of your life in your grasp, would you ever just break it off and walk away from the relationship? No way, you'd do everything possible to keep the relationship strong and healthy. Do you really want a relationship with someone who would breakup with you for what amounts to really no good reason? Just think how this person would be in a crisis situation; they'd tuck tail and run. The best piece of advice I can give you, and I will swear to you that it is the only thing that is guarenteed to work, is to go total NO CONTACT. If he wants to live without you, let him. Let him wonder why you aren't calling or writing anymore. I had a girl who strongly stated, "we're over hun!", when she broke up with me. She aslo told me "it just wasn't there", "that I needed to move on", and bunch of other hurtful stuff. So I let her go, no emails, no phone calls, no nothing! Lo and behold, less than a month later, guess who starts calling me and telling me, I was the greatest guy in the world, she never had anyone treat her so well, ect.. Then would call me up in hysterics to tell me about how bad things were going for her...lol. She thought she controlled the relationship because I was good to her, what she didn't realize is that you should never mistake kindness for weakness. Don't hang onto this guy with the occasional phone call or email, he'll only wind up using you. Take yourself off of the table as an option for him, this is what will grab his attention. What haunted my EX is that I wasn't calling, wasn't writing, and wasn't chasing. Just break all contact with him, this will work!

I did the same thing this past Saturday. We had 2 breakups, she caused both for absolutely no reason at all. Well there was ine reason, she wanted me and her EX, and he is a scum bag too!. Recently she had started calling me again out of the blue. This chick dumped me twice and I never called her again. She came back for the second time and then started the head games again, by Saturday I had enough! This head case actually told me that she went back to the EX a week after she had taken off on me for the second time. This girl wanted a ring from me on Christmas to get engaged; by New Years day she ran back to the EX. So she came over to get some clothes she had left at my house. I ripped into her with my closing statement being, "next time you get depressed, don't f####ing call me!" She said, "I'll never call you again"! I responded, "good, go the F### away, you're a nightmare and always have been a nightmare". I let my guard down with this girl because the EX she was involved with had abused her, mostly mental abuse, but there were a couple of physical incidents too. I told her that those two deserve each other becuase he's a sick F### for treating her the way he does, and that she's a sick F### for always going back. Listen guys and gals, don't take BS from the EX in an effort to win them back. Lay your cards on the table, be as brutally honest as you have to be. Then turn and walk away. Do not become a doormat for them so that they can pick you up and put you down whenever they need an emotional abuse. Trust me, I speak from experience, once you allow that, the relationship is done!

For the past 4 months, I had been dating a girl I graduated high school with some 20 years ago. There are a few twisits to this story that I want to get out front. When she began seeing me she had just come out of a 6 year abusive relationship. Most of the abuse was mental but there were some incidents of physical abuse, and holding her against her will. I know it was a bad position for me to be in because I wound up her rebound guy. After a couple of months seeing me, when outwardly all aspects of the relationship were great, she took off and went back to him. She had described her attraction to him like an addiction. She knew he had ruined her family and put her through hell for 6 years, but they would just keep going back with each other. So when this went down, I walked away from it all and had no more contact with her. Well 2 dates into their reconcilliation, she leaves a message on my machine while she was in hysterics, telling me that everything I warned her about was happening. Later she said that the reason for the phone call was to let me know how miserable she was, because she knew she had hurt me very badly, and hoping that me knowing that would appease my sense of vengance. As it turned out, she came right back to me which I know was also a mistake to let happen, but when your feelings are involved you sometimes make wrong decisions. She stayed another month and then broke it off saying she just wanted to be alone and that I should move on, ect... She was starting to show obvious signs of stress and would continually, voluntarily apologize for her behavior at times. The other part you should know is that she has battled severe depression since she was a teenager. She did the whole counseling thing, actually went to numerous counselors, and it's only gotten worse. She takes medication for it, which she says helps a little, but she doesn't want to up the dosage on it. Not knowing the depths of "severe depression" I just thought it was something she would come out of eventually. I've read some meaterial on depression and understand her and the things she said a little better now. So in the second break, I again let her be, had NO CONTACT with her for 19 days. This was a girl that sounded pretty definitive when she ended it again the second time. I knew for a fact that some of what she said and what her previous actions and words were, didn't quite match up. Let me say, I knew for a fact that she still had strong feelings for me. This isn't me reading into something that wasn't there, the girl had done and said things that would leave no other conclusion. I also knew that she had broken off 2 previous engagements so there was always that fear of commitment cloud hovering in my mind; was I destined to be the next? So after 19 days I get a a call from her updating me on some money she owed me. Now the money thing had already been discussed and I knew the call was really just an excuse to contact me. So we had a good talk, got our points of view accross and then said our goodbyes. The next day I get an email asking if we should try again. I told her to call me and we'll talk. She called and to be honest, still sounded as confused as ever, so I didn't press her on anything and kept the conversation light. I let a couple of days pass and then made a dinner date with her a week and a half in advance, I figured it would give her more time to get her head together and that we could talk over things at dinner. Four days later she calls to tell me that she wants to cancel dinner and that maybe we could schedule it later. But in her tone I could tell that she was severly depressed again and she even admitted it. I guess it was the frustration of the past 4 months, the relationship was very passionate and very intense. I just said, "I don't see any point in rescheduling anything. You aren't happy when you are with me, aren't happy when you are without me, and aren't happy alone. I can't take the BS anymore, you are too much to deal with". Then she said quietly, "I understand". And to her credit she had warned me a few times that I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I guess she knew that eventually, no matter how happy she was, she would slip back into this depression spiral. Having now read a lot of info on the subject, I know that her depression and moods really have nothing to do with me, and that is a very hard thing to understand when you love that person. You can't help but take a lot of the mood swings personally, it's just human nature. So as my frustration level grew during the call, I told her, just mail me the money. She, much to my surprise, was hurt by the comment and said that she would really rather drop it off to me. She also said that she doesn't want me to have to wait around for her, to see if she ever gets out of this. Then she threw me for another loop and told me she'd love to hear from me from time to time, and that she doesn't always want the conversation to be focused on her and her problems. I wished her well and said goodbye to her. I won't initiate any contact with her, it won't be good for me or her, regardless of what she asks. She says that it's easier for her to be alone and deal with the depression, and that she doesn't want to drag me into it. I understand that and she sounds determined when she says those things, but then why did she call me and email me? I was trying to let her go, and now I feel like I was pulled back in and then forced to walk away from it. I don't want to be just her friend, and from thing she said when she called me back, she doesn't see me as just a friend either. Not to be too graphic, but this was a woman that before we were ever physically together, told me that sex wasn't really that important to her anymore. She out of the blue said to me during our phone conversation when she called after the 19 days of No Contact, "I miss the sex with you. I wish I could just turn it off, but it comes back to me". So I'm certain that there is an emotional and physical attraction on both sides. Meeting and dating women has always been easy for me, but I have never had the connection with anyone the way I had with her. We could sit and talk for hours, we just sort of got each other. Though I will try to step aside gracefully once again, there is a part of me that still wants her in my life, and I know there is a part of her that wants me in her life. This isn't your typical boy and girl break up scenario, given the abuse she had previously suffered and the depression she has fought for years. I don't know what else to do but to let her go, I wish I could save her but I know I can't. Though I won't contact her, I'm guessing she will eventually contact me again, even after she delivers the money she owes me. Knowing she has no friends, which is strange enough, and doesn't have anyone in her family to talk to. How do I tell her that I can't be her friend? Even though I love her and would give the world for her, I don't think I could do the "small talk", it would only leave the door of possibility open and would only lead to more hurt. If this were a somewhat normal person, that would be a possibility, but I don't ever forsee her getting any better.

Wow I get to post my own story to my own thread...lol. Well as of Jan. 6th, my EX told me not to write her, not to call her, and didn't care who I had to talk with to get over the pain of the break up. Also said, the feeling just wasn't there at the end", "she fell for the dreams we planned faster than she fell for me", "that I needed to keep going out to find someone to share my life with", "that she wasn't the ONE for me", and "that she didn't want to be the center of my life". Some of this was told to me over the phone and much of it was left on my answering machine. I never responded back to the answering machine message. I went into NC right away. The hardest and most painful thing I have ever done, I was miserable! Well 19 days pass, and I suddenly have a message on my machine updating me about the money she owes me. The thing is, those details were already worked out, and it was obvious that her phone call wasn't about the money. The machine had cut part of it off so I left her a message saying, "only got first part of your message, see ya". She called back later in the day and immediately asked me how I was doing. I replied, "I'm doing okay". When I aksed her the same, she shockingly said she was. "SO SO". The rest of the phone call sounded like she was clearing her conscience, telling me why she ran from the relationship the way she did. I didn't argue I listened and then calmly pointed out some things she had overlooked or taken for granted. I kept the conversation fairly light hearted give the topics, there were no raised voices, just a few heart to hearts explaing our view on things. Well we said goodbye and she said she'd get back to me when her refund came in (2 weeks). I thought that was it, sounded like she had a lot of guilt about how she handled the breakup and wanted to clear her conscience. Lo and behold, I wake up the next morning with an email with one simple line, "Should we try again"? I about fell out of my chair! She then called me 2 times that day and the best line was the one from the second conversation. She said, "I really miss the sex". That one was priceless to me! LOL!!! Through the conversation, I learned that at first she was elated with her decision, but as each day passed with no contact from me, she fell into doubt and depression. So while I was depressed about thinking about how much it didn't bother her, she was depressed about how I calmly exited the scene. I know it's tough, but this NC is powerful stuff! I'll keep you posted on the progress of this one...LOL

I was interested in hearing from people who have had an EX come back after they went into "No Contact" mode. I'm really interested in hearing from those that had it happen, after the EX sounded very definitive when they broke it off. You know those famous lines they give you, "we're over hun", "I don't see a future with you", "I'm not afraid of commitment, just not with you", and the multitude of other reasons I've read in these forums. Basically, someone who sounded like they totally slammed the door on you when they left, but then did an about face down the line. I know "No Contact" is really about moving on for yourself, but that's not what I'm looking to hear about here. Moving on is something you have to do and have no choice about anyway. I am more curious about those that had pretty much thrown in the towel and then seen their EX initiate contact, after they had stopped contacting them. Thanks in advance for sharing your stories.

I read your story and found some many similarities to my own. I had done the composing a monster email thing but haven't sent it, and I'm pretty sure I won't. For the simple fact that it will treated just like your email was. My email wasn't going to be for professing my love, but to plant in her head what she had lost, with the hope that one day when she is sleeping alone with her pride, these memories will haunt her. But I doubt they will being your girl has the same skill mine had, the ability to flip off the emotion in a second. Mine was crying that I didn't propose to her on Christmas night, then 2 days later she tells she wants to be alone and that we are over. Also, gave me your girls line about going out to find someone else to share my life with. Here is my story if you care to hear of my misery too link removed

I guess what also makes it so difficult is that I saw her at her best at times. There were periods where she'd be happy and content for a couple of weeks and then you'd hit a week where she would slip back and defeat herself, then swing back the other way. At first I thought maybe it was a transitional period from what she was coming out of, but what I didn't know was the extent of it. She had been through 3 abortions, 2 of which were from the abusive relationship, she had broken off 2 pervious engagements and one of those guys attempted suicide. She actually found him and took him to the hospital. She was a 23 year old college student at the time and he was a 40 year old instructor. He had lost his job, his family, and his home, getting involved with her, and then she broke the engagement. I never got the details of the second engagement break off, but I know it came close to the planned wedding date. I just didn't understand the depth of the mental scarring. I told her from the start that the slate was wiped clean and she shared many of the horrors she's been through, especially with the abusive boyfriend. Beyond physically abusing her a couple times, the mental abuse was even worse. He actually made a list of all of her ex-boyfriends, made copies of the list and then sent them each boyfriend so they'd know who she had sex with. He ruined her relationship with two of her brothers. When the brothers learned of the physical abuse, they came over the house, drug him outside and then beat him so bad they put him in the hospital. The abusive boyfriend then turned around and sued the brothers, she has't spoke to them since. I guess it's an ego blow for me too because on a looks scale, the abusive boyfriend isn't even on the game. As far as treating her and her daughter well, I don't think she'll ever find anyone to treat her better than I did. I guess I'm stunned that on Christmas night she cried because she thought I was going to propose, which I was, but my plans were for Valentine's day. Then 2 days later, she casts me off like I had absolutely no meaning in her life. It's just hard to understand how someone plans a life with you and then 2 days later, erases you from their life. Maybe it's a defense mechanism that she has built up over time to deal with the pain. What hurt me so much is that I had this illusion that once she realized her dreams of getting engaged, getting married, having another baby, and having her own house for the first time, would somehow put her in a better frame of mind and make up for all of the garbage she has gone through. I haven't had any contact with for 2 weeks now, and I won't contact her again because it's senseless. The final contact we will have will come in the form of a check she has to send me in February. The hardest part is knowing that she continually makes poor decisions in her personal life, and I'm certain this is one she'll regret years down the line. It's just a helpless feeling when you see someone you love self destruct and it's even harder when you are swept into it emotionally, the way I allowed myself to be. Guess I'm stuck in that what could've been and what should've been unreality. I don't think she'll ever be back and I would never try to make someone love me, who obviously doesn't.

Bibora, Welcome to the "Rebound Guy" club. I think I'm now the poster boy for it! You're relationship sounds very similar to mine. Since your girl had two failed relationships, her ego was probably a little down. In you step, the knight in shining armor, and suddenly she has a great guy that loves her and treats her well. The ego gets built up and she no longer needs you around. You're not a challenge to her anymore! Twisted stuff I know, but there are many people out there want what they can't have, and then once they get it, they no longer want it. She sounds as emotionally stable as my girl was which is downright scary!...lol. I look at it this way. Even though it hurts, and it does hurt, hell I had every dream I ever wanted ripped away from me twice within one month! I know that a long term relationship with her would've led to divorce, financial disaster, and even more heartache. I think that in the long run, they did us a favor. Yes, you and I are hurt and unhappy now, but these are people, that because of how they treat relationships, will never ever be happy. They will sabotage every relationship they are in or get stuck in a very unhappy relationship. I wish you the best with your situation!

Nikhilgore, I know what you are going through. Your heart wants her back even though your head tells you differently. If you let her back you're going to always have that wonder lingering in your mind anytime she breaks a date with you or doesn't call you when she's supposed to. Then you'll start analyzing everything she says, looking for the hidden meanings. In my case, my developed paranoia turned out to be justified. Things gradually just broke down between us, and as cold as she was the way she handled both break ups, she knew that the damage had already been done from her actions. I tried as hard as possible to wipe the slate clean the second time and it worked for a while. It worked as long as she was in a good frame of mind, which she was when she came back. But then her true personality settled back in, which is built around major mood swings from conversation to conversation, and suddenly I found myself on this emotional roller coaster. Man, that's just not me, I'm generally a take it as it comes kind of guy, emotionally stable, and I don't sweat the small stuff. Suddenly I was swinging from conversation to conversation following her moods. Good luck with your situation, I truly hope things work out for you, trust me brother I know the pain. I had already set things in motion to make our plans happen, and now it's all gone. On Christmas night I went from having a girl who was crying because she thought she was going to get a proposal that night, to two days later when she basically told me, you're not even important enough for me to have you in my life at all. What hurts the most is that I remember the good times, and there were many. Also her words and her actions don't jive with some of those cold statements she left me with. This was not a one way relationship, she chased me as much as I chased her. In fact, knowing her situation with the past abuse, I asked more than a couple of times if she wanted me to back off a little, and she didn't. Before my experience with her I lived by a simple rule that, "there are certain lines you do not cross, and once someone crosses that line, they're done as far having a place in my life." Cheating on someone is one of those lines, which she basically did even though she broke up with me first, she was talking and planning with him while we were dating; and being used by someone is another one of those lines. She crossed both that first time she dumped me and I let my emotion overide my logic and intuition. The sad part of this stuff is that it puts you in a mindset of not even wanting to put out that emotional effort again to get to know someone new. Let me know how your situation turns out!

For everyone practicing No Contact for the hope of getting your EX back; be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. But it's a little like the Stephen King movie, Pet cemetery. They come back but they're never the same, neither are you, and the relationship is too damaged to save it because the trust factor has been broken. When the Ex comes back you'll slowly find yourself starting to analyze and read into everything they say; you'll try not to but it just happens. It's tough enough if they left you for the "I need my space" or "I need my alone time" reasons, it's ten times worse if they left you for someone else. I know you feel like you want them back and would do anything to make that happen, but you're only going to get hurt again. Think of it in reverse. Would you dump someone if you were really in love with them? Hell no, you'd do everything you could to protect and save the relationship, not turn your back and walk away from it. Trust me I was played for the fool and learned the hard way, here's my story: I'm 38, had a woman message me on Yahoo personals that I actually graduated high school with some 20 years ago. Being that we went to the same high school, grew up in the same area, and clicked personality wise like people only dream about; we got very close very quickly. Now there is a point that makes this not the average relationship and that's the fact that she was just coming out of a 6 year abusive relationship. Yes I became the stereotypical rebound guy (anyone have the dunce cap to loan me?). To everyone out there, be very wary of jumping into a relationship with someone just coming out of one! Well for 2 months straight, things couldn't have went any better, and when I say that I mean all aspects of the relationship! She had never been happier; those words came from her numerous times, from her family, and from her co-workers. You've heard the term soul mates? Well she was mine or so I thought. Things progress to a point where we start to actually plan for a future together. Every dream she had quit on and couldn't get from the abusive Ex fell right in line with exactly what I wanted; engagement, marriage, a child, and a house. I had this stunningly beautiful woman, who had been treated like dirt for 6 years (some of the things he did to her over that period were absolutely horrible), and who meshed with me perfectly. Then in one afternoon everything blew up in the blink of an eye. It seems the abusive EX started calling and making uninvited appearances at her workplace. I was more concerned with her safety, being that he hit her and threw her around a couple of times in the past. She insisted I stay out of it and that she would handle it. Oh she handled it okay, did a phenomenal acting job around me when the topic of him came up. Let me note, never did I show a hint of jealousy, because I didn't have any. He was an overweight, unhealthy, loser, with a dead end job. Guess what, out of absolutely nowhere, she breaks up with me to go back to him. It seems that I was used as a bargaining chip, he wouldn't give her the things she wanted and I would provide all of them because they were my wants too. I had two fairly short phone conversations and sent a couple of emails to her. Never once did I ask her to come back. Never, ever, ask someone to come back to you when they break up with you. It will have the opposite effect of what you want. My emails dealt with what a mistake she made for going back to guy that made her life hell for six years. I stopped writing after her last email that started off, "I can't take this anymore, it's bordering on harrasmnet". It never bordered on harrasment, it was just that I hit her guilt button and she couldn't handle it. Now that line she wrote sounds fairly extreme, as though I was some type serial harraser. Let me also note, I was never nasty or profane with her, I only attacked her judgement and her character for going back to someone like that. So in my opinion there is nothing wrong with a few phone calls or emails to speak your mind, just keep them above board and end them when you've spoke your peace (send no more than 2 emails!). Now this is what she said, but later I found out what she felt and was thinking, something that will give those practicing NC some hope if they are wondering whether the EX is thinking about them. She goes back to the EX, and on the second date, they have a nasty verbal fight, and he point by point, does everything I told her he was going to do in my emails. It was like he read them and followed them like a script. He drops her off, she runs into the house, picks up the phone and leaves me an absolutely hysterical, crying, message, that says, "you were right, so right, everything you said that would happen, is happening". I get the message later, and as much as I was disgusted with her for what she had done, I didn't want to see her hurt, and from the tone of the call, she didn't sound too good. I take a ride to her house just to make sure that he didn't beat her, because if he did, she would never call anyone to tell them, not even her family. I get there she is fine physically, so I give it to her verbally for treating me like a piece of garbage and using me and my dreams to basically bribe him. Then I leave. Well guess who starts calling the next night? We talk for a week without seeing each other, and she's basically begging for another chance, and being clouded by emotion and not thinking with my brain, I give in and let her back. Big mistake! Learn from me! Well we get to seeing each other again, all of the future plans we had talked about are back on track, though somewhat pushed back due to what had just gone down. During the first date we are back together, she asked me why I didn't answer her last email. It bothered her that she never got a response. Basically, by not answering her it sent the message of, "oh well, I'm moving on then", and that's what she remembered. Remember, she said I was harrasing her! So ignoring someone by letting them be, will send a much more powerful message than calling and begging them to come back. That will only make you sound pathetic and unattractive. So during the breakup period, when she had dumped me, I told her that what she had blown was a planned engagement on Chrismas, and she coldly dismissed it; saying that she would never have accepted given she still had feelings for him. Well we're together for a month and Christmas comes. We have a phenomenal Christmas day until late into the night, when she breaks down crying because she thought she was going to get that proposal. I comfort her and assure her that, yes it's coming, it just wasn't coming on that night. During this conversation, she worries out loud that she had messed things up and that I didn't want her anymore. I assure her that she is the only thing I want and that the upcoming year will be the best of her life. Two days later I call her and she says: "I want to be alone". "I don't want to be the center of your life". "The feeling just wasn't there at the end (what was the crying about then?)", that "she fell faster for the dream than she fell for me', and that "I never knew the real her" (the real her was extremely moody and angry), and that "I need to go find someone else to share my life with". OUCH!!! What really hurt about a lot of this is that her words and actions leading up to all of this were quite to the contrary. Got the rug pulled out from under me the second time. My fault, I should've seen it coming! I did the proverbial two phone calls and emails, and then I let it go and went to NC (it's now been 2 weeks), and as much as she ripped my heart out and hurt me, I can't take her back even if she wanted to come back. The most telling thing during this second reconciliation was that the trust factor had evaporated. There were times when she would be stressed out about everything (her words), and I would ask, what do you mean "everything", and she would get upset and then catch herself and say, you have a right to feel that way give what happened. I am naturally a very confident, and secure guy, I don't do the jealousy thing. You either want to be with me or you don't! But, soon I found myself breaking down and reading into everything she was saying. I'm sorry, but it's just natural after someone does something like that to you. Though you want to forget it, you can't! So be careful what you are wishing for and ask yourself, if the roles were reversed, and you truly loved someone, would you dump them? In a healthy relationship, you would try to first talk it out. So be very wary of taking your EX back, you are likely to get the same treatment down the line.

Remember they are the ones that ended the relationship. They are the ones that threw everything away. If someone makes a mistake and they realize they've made a big mistake, they have to swallow their pride and risk getting hurt back to repair it. This is a person that stomped all over your feelings when they left you. They had little regard for how you'd feel at the time. So if they can't muster up the will to admit a mistake, they're really not worth having anyway, and would be a terrible choice for marriage. Why be with someone that won't open their heart to you when you've opened yours to them? As far as marriage goes, you need someone to stick by you not only in those good times, but when things get rocky. This person has already proven that they'll cut and run when it suits them best. You keep trying to patch things over by remaining available or signaling to that person that you are still available for them, they're going to turn you into a doormat. They'll pick you up and throw you away at their own convenience.

It will have the opposite effect that you want! Best thing is to ignore them. They dumped you so let them live with their decision. Sometimes there is periodic high that the person doing the dumping goes through. They think that getting rid of you will improve their life. Then when the high leaves and reality sets back in, the mind starts doing nasty things to them. They start to think, "hmmm this isn't going quite the way I thought it would" and "hmm I wonder what so and so is doing" and "hmmm wonder why so and so isn't calling or writing anymore, did they meet someone". Then there's the greatest revenge of all. Everything they do with a new person will be constantly compared to how well you treated them. They can't help to reference your relationship, it's human nature and the way the mind works. That's how you regain the power, by ignoring and shutting them off.

I know first hand that the only opportunity of getting back with someone is to ignore them. Every attempt you make to get someone back that dumped you only lowers you and makes you more unattractive to them. Now when the breakup first occurs, there is nothing wrong with getting things off your mind and venting a little. In other words, gather all of the things you wanted to say before you move on your way, and put them in an email or a phone call. Don't ever ask the person to come back, just say what you need to say to clear your conscience. I had a girl I knew from high school, who I met 20 years later and fell madly in love with, take me for the ride of my life. She had just come out of a 6 year abusive relationship, with a dirt ball. Things were clear sailing with us for months, her happiness and comfort were no act. It was as close to a perfect relationship as you could get, or so I thought. The guy that abused her has her so mentally screwed up, that it's like a drug that she can't shake (her words). I ignored the depth of it because on a looks and career achievment level, he wasn't in my league. But like you said, I saw this fabulous woman go through a Jekyl and Hyde transforamtion within a 3 hour period. The person I spoke to at 12pm wasn't the one I spoke to at 3pm that same day. Evidently he came back in the picture and I got dumped. I sent 2 emails and spoke to her twice on the phone the next week. Never did I ask her to come back. The only points I stressed were that this guy is going to ruin her life and listed point by point what he was going to do and say to her. I received a response to the second email that started off, "I can't take this anymore, it's bordering on harrasment". Then a detailed explination of why she did what she did. I never responded to the email, I had said what I had to say, and knew any further contact would have the opposite effect. Well, 2 weeks later I get a hysterical, crying, messaged left on my machine saying, "everything you said that would happen is happening, I just wanted you to know that". She knew that she had hurt me badly and in her moment of hurt after getting in a fight with him, she picked up the phone to let me know how miserable she was so that I would have some sense of vengance. Well as things played out, we got together for about another month after that, but the damage had already been done. The trust factor couldn't be regained and it slowly worked itself into the relationship until it ultimately drove us apart. But, the thing I found most interesting after we reconciled and were dating again, was when she said, "you never responded to my last email, why?". Remember, she started of that email, "I can't take it anymore, this is bordering on harrasment". It stuck with her that I had let it go and ignored her. The biggest problem people make is doing the opposite of what helps them. The best way to make someone think of you is to ignore them. Let them go do what they want to do. The grass is rarely greener on the other side. You said you treated her well, probably a lot better than most guys are going to treat her. But take solice in knowing that whether she wants to or not, she will draw constant comparisons between how you treated her and how she is being treated now. As long as you gave her your best, you have nothing to be sad about. She'll feel it when you let her go and she realizes what she may have lost. Just like the song says, "Don't Know What You Got Until It's Gone". But to make that happen, you have to be gone!

I just lived a lifetime soap opera in the span of 4 months. Now I know that some may brush off 4 months as not being much time to really establish a serious relationship, but in this case things got very close very quickly. A little background about her and how we met: Out of the blue I had a girl I used to go to school with recognize my ad on the Yahoo personals. It would be an understatement to say that we grew very close very quickly! Started out talking on the phone for 2 to 3 hours a night for the first 2 weeks, before we ever met. It turned out that she had just left a 6 year abusive relationship. Bad enough that he hit her and threw her around a couple of times, but the mental abuse was even worse! A few highlights, or shall I say low lights of their relationship: 2 abortions, the abuser suing her two brothers after they beat him up after learning of the physical abuse, he made a list of the ex-boyfriends she had sex with from past relationships and sent copies to each ex-boyfriend, pushed his way into her Mom's house and trashed the place, ect... The most perplexing thing of all of this is that they continually kept getting back together with each other, so I know it's as much her fault as it was his. Not to say she has any blame for the initial abuse, but still stunned as to why she keeps going back. One other nugget of info, she's a drop dead gorgeous, 38 year old woman, and he's a very overweight, un-attractive 41 year old guy. Safe to say, he couldn't find another girl like her in a million years; and he still treated her like dirt. So 2 months into this relationship, things were going phenomenal in all aspects of the relationship! I'm loving life because I was fortunate to meet someone I knew in high school, that by all appearances was beautiful, intelligent, had a good job, and who's personality just clicked with mine from the start. One Saturday morning we were discussing the possible financing of a new house and 3 hours later, she's an emotional mess who doesn't resemble the person I knew at all. To cut to the chase, 2 days later she tells me she wants out of the relationship. She was going back to the abuser! Seems she had to try one more time with him for every dream her and I planned on. Talk about being used! I was angry, disappointed, hurt, and confused. I had a couple 10 minute conversations with her and sent her a couple of emails. I never at any time asked her to come back or pleaded in any way. The only points I stressed were what a disaster this guy's been to her for 6 years and that she was about to lose every dream she had by letting him screw her life up once and for all. Her response was basically cold, heartless, unfeeling, and dismissive. So I threw up my my hands and walked away from it. Two weeks later there is a crying, absolute hysterical, phone message left on my machine saying, "everything you said that would happen is happening, you were right, I just wanted you to know that you were right". After two short dates with the ex he started up with the mental abuse and she broke down suddenly realizing the gravity of everything she did, and how horrible she treated me. Maybe a mistake, but I tried calling her back and got no answer, she had turned off the answering machine and let the phone ring. As much as I was disgusted with her and happy that everything blew up in her face, the exteme sounding message on my machine had me worried for her safety. Yes I thought he may of beat her again; and if he did she wouldn't call to tell anyone about it. So I take a ride to her house to check on her. Physically she is okay, but I still had a few things on my mind and I rip into her about how bad she treated me, how this guy is going to destroy her if he hasn't already, and what a mistake she made not giving our relationship enough time. Lo an behold, the next night there's a thank you message left on my machine. My biggest mistake, returning the call! We get back together (yup I was the rebound guy) and now things are full bore ahead. We set time frames and discuss details on getting married, buying a house together, and having a baby. Everything seems to clear sailing for 3 weeks, and then boom, that mean, cold hearted woman, that I first met during the first breakup rears her ugly head. Suddenly she has a comment and criticism about everything I or anyone else around her does. Extreme mood shifts that seem to occour hour to hour! We spend a wonderful Christmas together, couldn't of went any better until late that night when it all fell apart. During the first breakup, after she dumped me, I told her during one of our phone calls that before all of this garbage went down, I was planning on proposing to her on Christmas or New Year's Eve. At the time I told her she brushed it off like it was nothing. But later that Christmas night, she breaks down in tears. When I ask why the tears, she tells me that, "she thought I was going to propose to her", and that she thought I didn't want her anymore because of what had happened with the ex-boyfriend. I assured her, that the 2 things I wanted most in the world were to marry her and have a baby with her. I assured her that not getting the proposal that night meant nothing, that I had other plans in the works, and I did! Next day starts off and she's very affectionate. Curls up on me and tells me that she loves me, so everything seemed to be okay. A couple hours pass and here comes that mean and nasty personality again. Having had enough of the attitude from her, I start to give it back to her. Nothing nasty mind you, just a rebuke of her attitude when she gets in these nasty moods and I leave. I leave a message for her that night, and no response. Call her at work the next day, says she can't talk and will call me back, but never does. Call her at home the next afternoon, and out it comes. "I want to be alone"! Blames it all on herself and her mood swings, yes this is a girl who is on depression medication. Being totally stunned and stung once again, I'm speechless and don't say the things I want to say. So like the last breakup I send the proverbial two emails. Neither email asks her to come back. The email was to inform her that the propsal she was so upset about not getting was scheduled to happen on Valentine's day and the other email was a let me get it off my chest email. Though the second email wasn't nasty, it was brutally honest and I stand by everything I wrote. No respone to either email. I let a week pass and pick up the phone. I don't want to ask her back, I just want to know how you go from tears and planning a life with someone, to not wanting to see them anymore. She picks up the phone and again is cold and heartless. You would've never known I was the guy she was planning a life with a few days back! She doesn't want to talk at all, I can't even get the question in before she hangs up. Call me a glutton for punishment, but given how close we were and the plans we had, I thought I was owed and honest explination. Disgusted by the whole experience I take the dog for a walk. When I return, there is a long message left on my machine. Not a nasty message, just a list of reasons on why she wanted out. They were: 1)She doesn't like herself when she is with me. She feels guilty acting nasty at times when she is with me because I don't act like that with her; 2) She siad, "It just wasn't there at the end" and that she fell for the things we talked about faster than she fell for me 3) That she could never be the person I wanted her to be and it was causing her more stress. I never asked her to be anyone but herself, but I would call her on things when she was rude; 4) That I never really knew the real her (inferring that these mood swings is who she is; 4) That she wants me to find someone else. Now every fibre of my brain says, run away, and run away fast! Yet I'm sick. I saw everything that could've and should've been get tossed away. Now like so many I sit on that seesaw of emotions. What went wrong so fast. How do you break down in tears because you expected a proposal and than cast someone off as though they had no meaning in your life? I'm a realist and know that things were going to have to change with her even if we stayed together. The mood swing were becoming extreme and worse yet, they were over minor things. The hardest part is that I saw her during some really great and happy times, and this person I've seen these 2 times seems like a stranger. Yet this was the same stranger that days later called me with that hysterical message and then called me the next night asking if and how she could patch things up. So when she tells me the things on the message, are they to be believed or is this just how she feels for this 2 or 3 week period? I know you can't make someone come back to you, and I've never tried with her, she came back on her own accord. Now I'm sick and know the only ting I can do is let her go. The last contact we had was 5 days ago when she left her message. I know any contact from here on out from me will have the opposite effect. The only odd thing is that she owes me a small amount of money that she has promised to have to me by the middle of February. Beyond the No Contact rule, I'm at a loss on how to play this one. If anyone has any advice I'd greatly appreciate the input. Sorry for the length of this message, but it actually feels a little better just typing it out for others to see.