Larz

By the way, she is calling you excessively for a reason. Wait for the message - it will come. Don't acknowledge a dam n thing until you get the message. She may be checking your pulse. Don't risk it.

Super Dave is quite the man. I finally found someone I agree with completely. The strongest message ANY of you can send is silence. I was with mine for eight years... And she was no slouch in the looks department either. Has a beautiful daughter that I raised. I sincerely wanted to end my life. The only, and I mean ONLY thing that worked for me was to disappear. You're a phantom. If someone wants to be away from you, then you need to put a mirror in front of them. I chased for 4 months... was drunk for about three of them. Didn't accomplish anything. Wrote incredible poetry, brought up beautiful memories... accomplished nothing. It wasn't until I put her "in a room by herself" that things turned COMPLETELY around. We had dinner (seeing each other for the first time in 13 months) the other evening, and to be honest, I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS disappointED! Perhaps because I took the time to concentrate on MYSELF, I realized that she hadn't changed at all. She had only changed her arm candy. I would have given my life for this woman, and sadly enough I wouldn't give her the time of day now. If they decide it's over, the WORST thing you can do is try to convince them otherwise. Even if you are successful in getting them back, they will leave again. People don't leave those they truly love knowing that person will willfully let them go. If you allow them to come back on a dime, they will leave again. NC is the only way. The STRONGEST message you can send, is silence. Trust myself and Super on this.

I will keep this short. My ex and I broke up one year ago after eight years, the last two years of which were rocky at best. I was destroyed, hopeless, angry at the world... I decided after three months of begging and chasing that I would do the no contact thing. Please understand that I loved this woman with every cell of my being. Every minute of every day was a struggle for air... I cannot even explain it. But I refused to be treated like a dog. I would rather die, and to be honest that was an option I entertained at one point. This woman had a child (not of my bearing) that I raised for eight years from the age of 1. Talk about a double whammy. But I survived... Still cannot believe it - Fast forward one year. Do I still think about her? Of course. Do I have regrets? Some... But the one thing through the months that really hurt me more than anything is that I knew I had done the best that I could and I was getting frustrated not having heard from her all this time. I was expecting it any day, and it never came. Drove me to the point of insanity. More time passes... Still nothing. I've been dating, getting on with my life, things are looking pretty bright. I have completely accepted (this takes TIME) the fact that I may very well never hear from this person again. She called today, in tears, 14 months later. And I mean completely screwed up. Now we can all guess what happened, I certainly can... I'm sure whoever the dumb as s was did not pan out. My point in all of this? It happens when you least expect it. If you don't choose to wake up and move forward, to get on with your life and to make yourself the best person you can be, you will stay exactly where you are. You WILL hear from them again as long as you do what is right. No contact works. Trust me on that... I am a firm believer now. 14 months? Cmon... If you planted a positive seed, you will hear from them again. As for what happens now? (And this is truly a liberating feeling, as I never thought I could feel this way) I could give a rat's arse. You WILL hear from them again if you just send this message: SILENCE. It is the strongest message you can ever send. L

Ahh, the drama that is being a teen. This is a worry for you? Being too much alike? Seriously, think about what you are saying. If you are already looking for reasons for this thing to fail, it will. Trust me. Nite - !! L

I have trouble reading Quing's messages but I always get the "jist". He's right about one thing - They ALWAYS turn up when you are TRULY over them. You'll get another chance. Chances are however, you won't want it by then. You've heard this a million times, but it is absolutely true. Don't wear yourself out playing their game. If they want you, they will stop at NOTHING. Until then, reading into their little e-mails or over-analyzing phone calls will do nothing but damage your psychie. You didn't play these games when you were together... Make DAMN sure you don't play them now. Dissappear guys - Fall off the face of the earth. Don't play. L

I know you are looking for hope. Just do the NC thing. Those who disagree with NC are truly not programmed to fight the good fight. If someone leaves you, then they have set the precedence. It is NOT your place to seek them out. You can only do so much. There are so many single people out there (and believe me, I would never have thought this) who are in the same place as you. Be patient. Things have a way of working themselves out. Listen to your family. They know.

And by the way, my recommendation is by no means an overnight fix. No, intimacy with another does not feel as good, not even close. But it DOES feel human. And you are human. You will be pleasanlty surprised by what is out there, once you get past the frustration of having to re-program yourself to the dating tactics. That part sucks my friend, but you know something? I wouldn't go back. And my ex was my world. They don't change. Truly. You will speak to her again eventually on common ground, and you will see that she is no different. It's crazy. The ONLY chance you have of reconciling, if that is truly what you want, is to leave her alone. Watch what happens if you take care of yourself. It's mind-blowing, and it takes every semblance of energy you have. Do it, it's a win-win. -- Although you don't see it this way now, you will. Don't think "Well, it's obvious this man didn't love his woman the way I love THIS woman". That ain't true bro, I was in it for 8 long years, raising a child not of my bearing. I gave everything, offered counseling, did it all... Once the anger passed (and it DOES, believe me...) Things just started to make sense. Real sense, not convaluded dramatic sense. I still think about my ex from time to time, and to be honest, I feel sorry for the poor SOB who inherited the problems I once had. And what's really crazy? After 7 months of absolutely NO contact, (predecessed by 2 months of my chasing her relentlessly), I hear from her more often than I want to. I never thought that possible. Take care of YOURSELF right now. Noone else sees you any differently. You did not fail her, you did not fail yourself. You have to remind yourself of that. In time, the reality of this will come. I PROMISE YOU! I had to remind myself that if this person was capable of something I was NEVER or NEVER WOULD BE capable of -- (LEAVING) than I never really had her to begin with. I think that's the hardest part about it. Fear of rejection, or failure... If she came back to you tomorrow, by the end of the week the distrust and "eggshells" that will exist will eventually turn on you. Trust me. I've lived it. Calm down, she's just now seeing what really is out there. It takes REAL time, unfortunately. You have to know that you are in a positive position... Main reason being, YOU didn't choose this. So whatever you do from here on out is not only your right, but will better your understanding of yourself. Situations like this put a mirror in front of you. Get a little crazy. STAY BUSY! Cya - L

Well. I would love to tell you all that things were completely re-kindled and that she had realized her mistake. She did realize her mistake. Truth is, I spent MONTHS wailing over the love of my life only to find once we met that she hasn't changed a bit. She is still a dream-chaser, still in the exact same place... I was completely unimpressed and to be honest, somewhat turned off. All of those thoughts of our ex's partying it up and making new friends really don't amount to anything in terms of reality. I'm really feeling good about things now. I still miss her at times, but this meeting was a true eye-opener. Three months (although it seems like an eternity) really isn't any time at all. I hope this gives hope to those of you who think one week of no contact is an eternity. It's not even a drop in the bucket, trust me. Keep busy and do what's right. It comes back ten-fold. I am looking forward to seeing where things are three more months from now. : ) L

You have all given such amazing and profound advice. I took something from every post. We'll see how tomorrow pans out. I will gladly share the results. Thanks again everyone, sincerely. L

"There is a middle course between anger and caving-in. " This is the mindset I am trying to achieve. It's tough bro. Thank you.

If I were replying to someone in this condition, I would advise them to be cool and *appear* happy. I'm not a game player however and I am really still pretty pissed off. I fear my anger may get the best of me. However, I've taken the necessary steps to healing in terms of working out, looking better, feeling good... There's just that void that I have not yet gained closure on. And to be honest... I am not sure I want closure. I'm a broken man. Just kind of in the "twighlight zone" as I sure you can relate (many of you). But I have to survive, you know? As far as what she stand to gain from this, I have no idea... which brings your question FULL CIRCLE. I have NO F'IN idea what this is going to be about. I have always found success in just being myself. I am scared to death. This woman has no idea (or capacity) to understand the grief I have experienced through all of this. And believe me, I am a communicator. For example, the straw that broke the camel's back: "Leslie, you are everything to me. Counseling, time apart, you name it. It's worth it to me. You are everything." Her response? "How do I become NOT everything to you?" I walked away and haven't spoken to her since. Now this. Please, God don't let me weaken. I am a strong soul and I know that I have much to offer. I'm 33. I know life goes on. I really want this woman back in my life, just will not compromise my hard-earned dignity. (Dignity which by the way, comes with true acceptance and surrender in a situation such as this). Ladies and gents, life does go on believe it or not. I didn't expect this phone call. I wanted it for so long, but never expected it. There is so much to lose if I screw this up. (Not for her so much, for ME). I worked hard to survive and live well following this. Just can't say I'm done. Once again, any help is greatly appreciated. By the way, Wimpy, thank you. - L

No contact at all. We were together 7 years, and I did the begging and pleading thing for about 1 month after the initial split. I then decided to change my number, e-mail, etc. This woman was not good to me in the final year of our relationship and I did make peace with the break-up. I cried myself to sleep, but I knew I had done everything I could to hold things together. I lost EVERY bit of semblance for hope. I was in complete despair. I decided to try the dating thing - (mind you, I was not entirely ready). I am a very social person, very outgoing and attractive (something I did not realize until I got OFF OF MY ASS!! - Some of you need to do the same). In short, I met several very interesting women. Being alone or fear thereof is NOT the issue here. Ex calls me out of nowhere (from a private line, or *67 - which really pisses me off... I think that's pompous and self-serving... More than likely a control issue with her, knowing her as I do) but I answer it nonetheless, not knowing. She wants to get together this week. Says she's tired of feeling the way she does. I agree to meet her but I am now thinking better of it. It took me a VERY long time to get over this one. We were very close and I took her back after several breakups through the years. This last breakup was the final straw with me and I believe she knew it. BUT - here she is again. I will be honest, I am not ready to hear of her new life and so-called happiness (she's very inclined to seek response this way) nor am I ready to divulge of my details. I've been very fortunate and met some real class-acts. HOWEVER - (THIS IS WHERE YOU ALL COME IN) I raised a child (not of my own bearing) with this woman. We were family. She wronged me entirely and was always the one to twist things around to make them my fault. I've made peace with this. I never imagined I would hear from her.. I truly "buried" her and grieved through it. Some of you know the real pain that comes with acceptance. It's horrible. But I woke up one day and realized that I was still alive, I hadn't shot myself as I had intended and that I could get a life. Bottom line - I agreed to meet her, as I still do and always will love her. I am not a player or a drama *edited by moderator* so honesty is going to take precedence. What I CANNOT for the LIFE of me figure out is what I am going to say. I want to be my usual happy self, and my gut feeling is to not let her know of my grief. I am fully expecting to hear things from her that will hurt me (IE new b/f's, etc.) although I will admit I wouldn't volunteer such info out of sheer respect. Someone PLEASE tell me how to handle this. I want to be on top of my game (so to speak). I am functioning without this person, but I have missed her deeply. I am so afraid of empowering her by making a false move. How do I handle this? Many of you pray for this moment but when it comes, and you've had significant time to heal as I have, its not too easy to give up the pride that comes with it. Please help me. L

Fortune tellers? I am not one to shy away from "hope givers" but you should listen to family, and reason. I have never received a bad fortune from any of em. Have you? Your mind is racing anyway. You are writing in run-on sentences. It's very fresh for you, and I understand your pain. Grieve through it. You don't NEED another person to make you happy. You don't. They will come back when they are ready. Anything you do now in terms of communication will backfire. People who are left feel rejected. People who leave (generally) feel guilty. They will make you out to be the bad guy as long as they can. Let them go through that process. The only chance you have is if and when they realize that you were not the cause of their problems. As long as you stay in contact, you are an excuse for their actions. Get the [Removed by Moderator] away.

Jesus Heartbroken23. Noone on this planet has been through more than I've been through, but I can tell you this. If a woman tells you "Do not Contact me again" and you are worried about the future in terms of communicating with her again than your confidence is what got you into trouble in the first place. Don't let another human being make you feel this way. EVER. H_B_K, you are just dramatic. Anyone ever told you that? Try chilling out and not playing games. If you are truly hurting over this person then let them know it and stop trying to plant "seeds" in order to get them back. If they want to be with someone else, you are not going to stop that from happening. The only regret they will feel is that which comes through being with someone else. They're not worth all of this. I think rejection is SO MUCH a bigger part of what makes us crazy. Not the person themself. I was with my ex 8 years and I thought many nights about how to SHOOT myself in the head. It's been 3 months and I cannot imagine why I chased, begged and pleaded. At the time, I could not imagine a more amazing woman on the planet. Do you really want them back? If someone leaves you, they didn't believe in you. Stop beating yourself up. Truth is, the percentage of couples who rekindle their relationships is random and completely dependent on circumstance. The hard truth is that people don't change. Accept who you are and get back out there. Make someone laugh. No, it's not fun. Its inconvenient. It's expensive. It's twighlight zone feeling... I know. But you are doing yourself NO good by grieving excessively. I can assure you, they are not grieving. IF AND ONLY IF THEY ARE, you will hear from them. Otherwise, you're wasting your time. Like yourself more. L

Yeah, this girl is getting everything she needs right now. You don't need to be a hero or "show" her anything. You've gotten used to filling that void and forgotten how to show yourself the same love. You'll figure this out sooner than later. Good luck. Larz