alphonsefa

I'm well past the hope she has feelings for me stage with her. She never knew what she wanted and still doesn't to this day. There was a time I would've done anything for her, but the things she did to me and others, showed me a side of her I never imagined could exist. This woman who can be so warm, caring, and loving, had a dark side. I blame myself for ever giving her not only a second chance, but a third chance to hurt me. They say sometimes love is blind, and I know I was for a while. But the constant pushing away and then pulling me in routine, just wears you down emotionally to the point where you realize that this person you love so much, who should be bringing you happiness, is bringing you nothing but hurt and pain. Then you finally hit that stage of acceptance where no matter how hard you try, you just can't put "humpty dumpty" back together again; and the realization that you could never have a day of peace with a person like this takes hold, and you fold your hand and move on. No, at this stage, I just want the jacket back. And the negative attention thing is a good point that I didn't consider because that's something she definitely thrives for. Her life is nothing but drama and it just amazes me that she can take the simplest of things and spin them to the point where they are also full of drama. I mean come on, this is a 39 year old woman who I treated better than anyone ever has, her words not mine. I never once asked anything from her or of her during the 8 months we've been broken up. I've never stalked her like the abusive boyfriend has, I let her be just as she had wanted me to do. So this whole incident just amazes me! I never did anything to hurt her, yet was on the receiving end of some deceptive, cold, and lying actions. If anyone should have an attitude or be cold, it should be me; but I just want my jacket back and am at a loss to know why I've now become un-acknowledgeable to her. I can't even get a phone call, an email, or anything telling me what's going on. It just feels like yet another slap in the face that I don't deserve. Why can't she be an adult and just return it like she said she would. I feel like a smacked a** having to ask for it again. Stopping by her house would be an option if I thought she'd answer the door. She'd tell me to go away and further make you feel foolish. I seen her do this with the abusive Ex, except he doesn't have any pride and would just come begging again until he got his way. You couldn't possibly act as cold as she has towards me, and still want that person in your life. And as much as that hurt, I can accept that because like I said, I don't ever want anyone who is on the fence with me. Her actions say she doesn't want me so I don't understand why it's so hard for her to follow through with this. It just feels like one last way for her to thumb her nose at me.

With how cold and distant she's been acting around me, it feels like anger and spite to me. Anger that I dared ask her that question about being back with the abusive loser. Is this just her way of getting back at me? I wanted her to know that I knew she was right back to a real bad situation. I know I would've been humiliated had I told someone I was involved with, horror story after horror story of how bad this other person had treated me; and then wound up running right back to them. I feel like telling her in the next message to bring my jacket to her work (she works at a local mall) on such and such a day, and that I will stop in to get it, and continue to stop in to get it until she returns it as promised. Even though it's a simple request, I don't want her getting her way again. She treats people horribly and never has to answer for her imaturity and coldness. If she doesn't return it I'll embarrass her in front of her co-workers. When we broke up I had about $400 of her Victoria Secret lingerie that she had left at my house. I returned it when she called to come pick it up. I could've been a jerk too and ignored her just as she is doing with me. I don't get it, if she has no feelings for me, why should she care what I think about her twisted soap opera life and lsoer boyfriend? If she has no feelings, shouldn't she easily be able to interact with me on something as simple as this? Or is she just a whacked out woman who defys all logic and feeling?

To keep a long story short. I've been broken up with the Ex for 8 months now. The final breakup wasn't pleasant as I had vented my feeings on how poorly she had treated me and how sick she was for continuing to go back to an abusive boyfriend who had made her life hell for 6 years. I was calm and cool as I said my peace, and ended it by telling her that the next time she gets depressed not to call me. She said, "I'll never call you again"! She got into a pattern of leaving me, running back to the abusive Ex boyfriend, having that blow up with him, getting depressed, and then calling me again. Well after 3 months, she did pick up the phone and call to see how I was doing, we talked strictly about work, no relationship talk, or questions about who we were dating. Maybe it was her way of testing the waters, but I didn't chase. I wasn't the one that kept sabotaging the relationship when we were together, and this phone call never got into anything about us. I called her 3 weeks later to see if she got the promotion she put in for and I was met with one word answers, and figured from her cold nature on the phone, the call wasn't welcomed. So I went NC again. Then 4 months later I had heard she was once again back with the abusive boyfriend, and any hopes or remote thoughts of any kind of reconciliation were crushed forever. I realized just how sick she was mentally, and what a disaster she was emotionally. I mean this is a guy that not only mentally abused her, he physically abused her, worse yet it happened while her 12 year old daughter (the daughter IS NOT HIS) listened to the whole thing in the next room. Two of her brothers after finding out about the abuse drug the guy out of her house 2 Christmas's ago and rightfully put him in the hospital. The abusive boyfriend sued the brothers and won an $8,000 settlement. This incident in addition to some others, totally ruined her relationship with those 2 brothers, and severly strained her relationship with her Mom and Dad. She's been through numerous counselors and therapists which hasn't done her a lick of good. When I heard she was back with this guy after all of the horrific things she told me about this loser, I realized that she was just a hopelss case; one of those people that surrounds herself with turmoil, pain, depression, and hurt. And as much pain as she caused me, and she did one hell of a job screwing with me emotionally; that there was just no possibility of ever having a normal relationship with her. She isn't capable of having a normal relationship with anyone around her, including her daughter. She has no friends, and spends much of her free time in isolation in her bedroom. So emotionally I let her go. As much as I loved her, and her daughter; I would've done anything for them, I had no other choice. She has a jacket of mine that I had been wanting to get back for a while, but I had always thought she would figure it all out and we'd have another go at it. I thought wrong. So on the way home from work I stopped at the mall where she works and had asked if she could mail the jacket back to me; I even offered to pay the shipping charges. She said that wouldn't be necessary and that she would take care of the shipping cost. At the end of the conversation I asked her, "you back with him"? She put her head down and walked away. Again I asked, "Are you back with (his name)? Again, no response at all. I had expected either a yes, a no (which would've been a lie), or a "none of your business". The total shutdown and the way she put her head down and walked away threw me. It just seemed like an odd reaction. So 3 weeks passed and I never got my jacket back. So I called her house when I knew she would be at work. I didn't want to talk with her directly because she is such a cold, and emotionally detached person at times, and just has a way of making you feel like hell when you get off of the phone with her. On her machine I left, "hey (her name), it's Al. Could you please ship my jacket back, or drop it off, or let me know when I can pick it up. I appreciate it, thanks". It's now been another 2 weeks and still no jacket, and no acknowledgement whatsoever. What is going on here? Not once during the 8 months have I ever asked anything from her, or of her. She wanted me out of her life and that's exactly what I gave her. I don't want someone who isn't sure they want to be with me. I do want the jacket back for many reasons, and am at a loss as to why such a simple request has become such a complication for her. Did my question to her about the abusive Ex humiliate or anger her in some way? Is this yet another emotional shutdown or just spite? I thought she would return the jacket immediately to remove any future reason, whatsoever, for me to contact her. Why not just return the jacket and be done with me?

Upon receiving the item she is to ship back to me, I was going to send her payment and a small note. After our last meeting when I asked her, "you back with him"?; I'm certain she'll never pick up the phone to call me again because from her reaction, she looked humiliated. Most women would've said either, "yes", lied and said "no", or said, "it's none of your business". She just put her head down and walked to her car. She turned and walked away as soon as I asked the question. She knows that I probably know more about her relationship with her abusive boyfriend than any other person in this world. I know I can't rescue her. You can't rescue someone who doesn't want to be rescued. I guess I have to do what's best for me and do exactly what she has forced every one around her to do, quit on her. But before I do, I wanted to leave her with a couple, parting, thoughts. In the remote hope that maybe it will weigh a little on her conscience and make her take another look at what she is doing to herself.

Is there any graceful way to leave the door open a crack and letting her know that I still care for her? Or is it all just a waste of time and effort? Being she hasn't figured it out in 7 years, I guess the chances are slim that she ever will. She once described him as a drug. Stunning!!! Given he's fat, abusive, has a dead end job, and not much in the bedroom from what she told me about him.

When we were together, I never had any problems listening to the stories she would tell me about him. I thought it was doing her good to get it all out, and she in fact mentioned that I knew her better, and helped her more, than any counselor she had ever talked to. When all I really ever did was try to show her the good in all the negatives she had seen. My fear of keeping communications open, as you've written above is, do I wind up getting perceived as a doormat for her? Someone she can run to and get her ego boosted, the next time he tears it down. What things do I say to her to walk that delicate line. I agree, I don't want to beat her up emotionally, any more than she's already beat up; yet like I said, I don't want to be a doormat for her either. I don't want to crowd her, and haven't, we've almost had no contact in the 7 months we've been apart. But I do want to get the point accross that says, "hey, you're messing up, but don't be embarrased or feel funny about calling me, when it all blows up again, I'm here for you". I'm not even sure where to start, which words will convey strength, support, and trust to her. Like one of the above posters said, "I think she is afraid to involve me anymore than I am". I'm not concerned for my physical well being, and she knows full well that I have no fear of him or what he would do. He's a paper tiger. He has her, and only her, intimidated. And like a typical abuser, he's cut her off from her family, and she has absolutely no friends. During one of the breakups she actually called me and admitted that to me, "that she has nothing to look forward to, and that she has no one to talk to". She started that phone conversation off with, "I just wanted to hear your voice". He has her intimidated, but when push came to shove, and 2 of her brothers found out that she was being abused by him, they drug him out of the house and put him in the hospital. The big tough guy, never threw a punch at them! When I had seen her after the last breakup, she told me about the outcome of the lawsuit. The abusive boyfriend sued her 2 brothers and won $8,000 over the incident. She also made it a point to tell me that she called him up and screamed at him because he had sepinaed (sp?) her mother during the court case. It was like she wanted to let me know that she stood up to him. Why she volunteered to tell me that info, I don't know. And I left that conversation thinking that, well maybe the one thing I have done for her through our relationship, was to break that cycle of dependence she has on him. But after hearing that she was back with him, I guess I was wrong. To all, thank you for your responses so far. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through and emotionally it really rips at you. Had she gone back to her Ex-husband, who is a nice guy, or one of her previous boyfriends (none of which abused her), or found someone new, I could understand it all. But the abusive Ex-boyfriend she keeps returning to is an absolute loser, in every aspect of life. It actually shook me to my core, to be passed over for someone who has been so damaging to her, with so little in life to offer. Those around me, like many here, have said, let her go and cut all contact off with her; but it's hard when you love someone so much. What do I convey to her to strike that delicate balance and let her know I am there when things get rocky again?

I dated a woman who had been in a 6 year abusive relationship. The guy really did a job on her mental well being. She's done the counseling thing numerous times and it's done absolutely nothing for her. During our time together, she twice left to go back to that realtionship. The second time she left was pretty much it for us. She called once to ask how I was doing. We haven't been together for 7 months. I found out from someone who had seen her that she was back with the abusive boyfriend again, which I found stunning. The things he has done to her and her family are just unbelievable! I'm thinking, "go back to your ex-husband, go back to another old boyfriend, or find someone new. Why go back to a fat, abusive, loser, with a dead end job? I had to get an item back from her so I stopped by the mall where she works and happened to catch her going to her car. I asked her to ship it to me and that I would pay the shipping charges; she said she'd take care of it. As she stood there I asked, "are you back with him"? She put her head down and headed towards her car. Again I said, "are you back with Bill"? She opened the car door and I just said, "unbelievable", and drove away. I really thought eventually she would figure it all out, that the dritball she was with is going to ruin the rest of her life. I've never asked her back, the two times she came back she came on her own. Her silent reaction to my innocent question surprised me, almost like she was humiliated and didn't know what to say. She could've said, "it's none of your business", but instead she shut down. I will send her payment for the shipment once I receive it, and I was thinking of adding a letter in there with it. Is there anything I can say to her, that will cut through the dark place she is in? Is there anyway I can get through to her, that there is so much more out there than the hell she is settling for. I want to tell her I want her back, but am afraid she'll just throw it back in my face. Is there any words that will have an effect on a woman that's been through such an abusive relationship, at least to just make her think?

Well, I had to get it out of my system. So on the way home from the studio I stopped by the mall where she works. Don't you know it, as I'm pulling into the parking lot, she is on her way out to her car to go home. I pulled up and said, "I want to talk you for a minute. I ran into someone who told me that you said I was a jerk." She denied it and claims she said, "it didn't work". I didn't argue the point, it's her word against the other woman's. What I did want back was a denim jacket that I've had for over 20 years. It has no material value whatsoever, but it has a lot of sentimental value. She had offered it back once before but I knew she liked wearing it so I was in no hurry to get it back. It may sound petty, but I wanted it back. I could care less about the money and other gifts I gave her; I never would ask for that stuff back. Another thing that didn't sit well was that I knew she was wearing it while going on motorcycle rides with the Abusive boyfriend. That did not sit well with me at all! When I asked her for it she acted like she wasn't sure whether she had it or not. It was draped over the drivers side seat of her car as we were talking! I didn't push it, let her play her not sure if she has it game. The she said she wasn't sure if she had my address. Totally absurd! She has every letter and card ever sent to her from everyone who ever sent them. So I pulled out a business card, something she is unaware I was involved in, and jotted my number on the back. Then it just came out, I had to ask the question even though I knew the answer. I said, "are you back with him"? She immediately put her head down, turned and walked to her car. I then said, "are you back with (his name)"? Again no response whatsoever. As she got in her car I just said to her, "unbelievable"! Then drove off. A quick background on the abusive guy she is with. She's had 2 abortions with him, the one time he threw her around and banged her head, he hurt her back. Her two brothers found out and on Christmas day two years ago, they knocked on the door, drug him down the stairs, and beat the hay out of him, so bad they put him in the hospital. He sued them and just recently won an $8,000 settlement. Her one brother is extremely successful, and the other has had drug problems. The brother with the problems fell off the bandwagon and was back on drugs when the settlement came down. He was wiped out financially, so the other brother paid his half. She begged him numerous times to drop the suit and he didn't. Due to this whole fiasco, her and her brothers haven't talked since the incident. The parents will have nothing to do with him, due to the abuse, the lawsuit, and the fact that he forced his way into their house when she was watching it for them, and trashed it. The father of her daughter, (God the kid is so good and so well adjusted, she amazes me) doesn't want this guy around his kid either. She did nothing but bad mouth this dirt ball while we were dating. It just stunned me that she went back to that. I could see going back to your ex-husband, or an old boyfriend, but not some guy that throws you around and holds you against your will. Yes he did that to her too. But it's none of my business anymore. I just thought she had more respect for herself than to walk back into something like that willingly. Even though she doesn't want a future with me, it was painful to see someone that you once loved subject herself to that. She has too many emotional scars at this point to ever love, or learn what love really is. She hasn't a clue, and she actually admitted that to me. So now that we've finally blown this relationship up, to the point of no return. I truly hope she never contacts me again, something I've asked her to do in the past. She'll go 3 or 4 months without contact, and then the phone rings when you least expect it, and it's her. I'm tired of being Charlie Brown trying to see if Lucy will really hold the football this time. I gave it everything I had, I'm emotionally exhausted and tired of beating myself up, and letting her use me (also something that she admitted to doing during one of our breakups). She came back twice to me on her own. Now knowing for certain that she is back with the dirt ball, I don't want her anymore. I've lost all respect for her. Her 11 year old daughter saw the abuse from her bedroom! Why she would subject her daughter to that again is mystery beyond all mysteries. Sorry to babble, just had to get some of this off of my chest. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

This isn't an extramarital affair! The abusive Ex I spoke about is her boyfriend; now her current boyfriend again.

1) The person that told me was a woman, and someone I had seen last year at a Halloween party. This person has no reason to make something like that up. She just happens to shop where my Ex works from time to time. In fact, she told me that she got the impression that I was the one that broke up with her, which really surprised me. 2) I agree, she's as responsible for her situation as the guy abusing her. There is no reason whatsoever that she can't get herself out of that relationship. 3) Yes, and this is something that worries me. Does this all just backfire on me and let her know that she has gotten the best of me? I just didn't like the tone of her blaming this on me, could she really think that? I find that such a stretch for her to believe such a thing. 4) Yeah that makes two of us. I don't know why this one girl has gotten to me in this way. Dating has never been difficult for me, and usually I can move on in the blink of an eye after a breakup. But this one has me stuck here emotionally. I haven't stopped my life mind you, I've dated two other women since her, but for some reason, I can't get rid of this gut feeling that deep down there is still something there in her. Why else would she call me after 3 months when I told her never to call again? Why else would she twist the facts of the breakup instead of just saying, "I broke up with him"?

Dated a woman who had come out of a 6 year abusive relationship. During our time together, she got into a pattern of running back to him and then running back to me. Finally, the line was drawn and we parted ways. We haven't been together for 8 months and have had no contact for 3 1/2 months. Even during the breakup she would call to tell me that I was the greatest guy, that I treated her better than anyone has. I guess I was just a rebound, because she is back in that same abusive relationship. She had called during the breakup to see how I was doing. Where I had every right to slam the phone down on her I didn't, I talked with her and kept it light. A month after she called me, I returned the same courtesy to her, but was greeted on the other end of the phone with one word answers. I told her at the breakup that, "you've mistaken kindness for weakness". I never chased her, I never asked her back, she came on her own whenever she would come back. Today, I saw someone that I hadn't seen in a year. The first thing they said was, "I saw your old girlfriend and she said you were a jerk". It floored me! I was never a jerk, in fact if anything I gave the relationship too much of an opportunity to work, instead of leaving when the whole back and forth stuff started. To totally mis-characterize what had happened like that, instead of simply telling the person, "we aren't seeing each other any more", really bothered me for some reason. It's sort of the ultimate insult. She sabotages the relationship and it becomes my fault. I wrote a short letter that I haven't sent yet. Your feedback would be appreciated. Why would she say such a thing, and what impression would a letter like this leave you?

You think sending a card saying, "thinking of you", comes accross poorly? I've given her a ton of space and haven't asked her back since the last breakup 7 months ago. Honestly, I know I won't get a response. The intention of the card is to let her know that I do still have feelings for her. I want it to be something she thinks of tomorrow, next week, next month, ect... But if she does come around and decide she wants a relationship again, I wanted her to know that I don't hate her.

Had a girl I dated who had been in a 6 year abusive relationship, mostly mental abuse, but there was one incident of physical abuse that she told me about. Really she and I should've waited before dating; she came fresh out of the abusive relationship and began dating me. She did the counseling and therapy thing but none of it seemed to help her at all, and she's been to plenty of them. To keep a long story short, things between us would seemingly be going great and then she'd get funny and want her space, which I always backed off and gave her. Then a few days later she'd start calling me again and wanting to get together. During the relationship, she shockingly went back to the guy that abused her. Though crushed, I backed off of her again. She had 2 dates with him, no intimacy from what she told me, and then she called me back up and wanted to try again. She came back, things were good for the next month, and then she started the pulling back stuff again, then coming back, pulling back, then comung back...ect... Christmas day she expected a ring, which she would've gotten, but after she took off the way she did, I wanted to push the engagement date back a little to see if she would and could stick it out. She broke down on Christmas because there was no ring, I never told her there would be, but I think she was hoping. She asked, "did I mess things up with you because of him (the abusive Ex). I said, "no, we're fine, I love you and wouldn't be here if I didn't". The next day we got in a minor argument over virtually nothing. She was nit picking everything I did and I had my fill and asked her what the hell was going on, why did everything suddenly bother her. We broke up the next day. She was gone for a month and a half. Again there was NC from me or her. She came back and things were ok for 2 weeks and then she started her being aloof stuff again, and this time I just let her be, didn't force the issue. She came to pick up her laundry and we had another argument, not really an argument, just me telling her that the next time she got depressed, not to call me. She said she'd never call again. Four months passed and she called again, to see how I was doing, we had no conversation about us. I let her be and then 3 weeks later I stopped at the mall where she works and we talked for 10 minutes about general stuff. Let another 2 weeks pass and called to see if she had gotten the job she told me she interviewed for, and found out she hadn't. The conversation lasted all of about 90 seconds as all she gave me were one word answers. She said, "you didn't have to call", as though I was checjing up on her, yet she called me to check up on me, which I found somewhat confusing. I said, "fine, I won't call you anymore. I just called to see how you were doing, bye". Then calmly hung up the phone. That was 2 1/2 months ago, there's been NC between us since. My question is: I don't want to call her, don't want to put any pressure on her. We haven't been with each other for 7 months, and have only had contact 3 times, 1 of which was an email that I sent her and never got a response from. I think she may thing that she's screwed things up so badly that they are beyond repair. In fact she asked me the two times she came back, have I screwed this thing up? I want to let her know that I still think of her, and that I don't hate her, contrary to what she may think. I was thinking of sending a basic "thinking of you" card and let things go at that. No more calls, no more cards. I am still baffled as to why she called me after those 4 months when she said she'd never call again. And when we spoke, it was all about careers, she avoided the "are you seeing anyone" question like the plague. Will sending a card like this be enough of a sign to her that the door to communicate is still open?

You da man hockey! I like that one. Wish I would've thought of it when my Ex left much of her laundry at my house. Damn!!!

Hey Bud, I was in the same exact relationship, even worse, she was with this guy for six years and he abused her, mostly mental, but some physical too. Here's what happens in this situation, and I guarentee that the same scenario will play out for you. The only wild card is the distacnce between them, it would be better if they were close to each other and seeing each other now because it BLOWS up quicker that way. This thing with him will BLOW up too, it's not a matter of if, it's just a matter of when. Then guess where she'll come running when this happens?! If you let her, she'll come back to you, get her ego built up again, and then bolt back to him again once she gets that ego boost from you. It's a cycle that will paly out over and over again, until you break it off. So beware when she wants to come back to you. What generally happens is the Ex will promise the moon to get them back, then when he sees her dump the other guy, he'll pull the rug out from under her, and back she'll come running. I know how you are feeling. The one saving grace I had was, that even though she would run back to him after leaving me, she couldn't keep it together with him. I think I am a sore spot any time those two are together. As soon as a fight starts, ome throws me in the others face. So at least I made a lasting impression on her life

Well, that was another disaster avoided! I was starting to think of ways to make contact, even though I knew it wouldn't have the effect I was looking for. Thanks for the objective view points. Damn, I feel like a junkie who almost fell off of the wagon. It's been over two months of NC for me after her ice cold reception on the phone. I guess what has stirred some of these feelings is the realization that Sept 23rd is approaching, the date we first met up. It's crazy how time has a way of accentuating the good things and dulling the negative things in the relationship; I wish it were the other way around. Those who posted are right, I did nothing wrong, in fact I did everything possible to make this thing work. But a relationship isn't about one person holding it together and making excuses for the others bad behavior. I wish she would've just let me be after that third month of NC, I was actually flying high then. The call from her stunned me; I sincerely never thought she would ever pick up the phone again to call me. Now when I step back, and look at the many months she let pass, all of it is just wasted time to me. I realize that someone who is so loose and cold with her emotions is not the person you want to give your best to. I just wish the thoughts of what could've been haunt her at least half as much as they have haunted me. I honestly think she is mentally ill, and in fact she'd probably readily admit it. The panic attacks, the depression spirals, over and over! She's seen a multitude of therapists and she's made no improvement and has become heartless and self centered. I guess one of the things that had me so off guard was that I actually brought out the best in her; and she said on more than one occasion, "I want to be more like you". Her family and co-workers commented that they've never seen her happier. Even after one of the breakups, she called me back a month later and said, "I'm so pathetic (referring to herself), you are the greatest guy in the world, you treated me so good." But then in the same sentence, she said she doesn't want anyone in her life because no one has been able to deal with this (meaning the depression and mood swings). Fine, I can respect that, then why did she, and why does she call me from out of the blue? Even though I don't chase her when she calls, all of those old emotions resurface and my heart starts lying to my head, that maybe this is the time she is going to break out of it and change. I'm starting to feel like Charlie Brown, with Lucy waiting to pull the football away when I go to kick it. I also had difficulty dealing with it because of the loser she bounced back and forth to. Overweight, unattractive, a dead end job, a 2 minute wonder in the bedroom, and someone who made her life a living hell. She's to blame as much as him for staying through it all, I realize that. After he choked her, her two brothers found out about it and came over Christmas morning 2 years ago, and drug him out of the house and put him in the hospital. He sued both of them and just recently won $8,000 in total, from both brothers. She never spoke to her brothers again after this incident. So she lost two close relationships, her brothers. Also, lost a couple of years with her parents because they disapproved of this dirt bag and it led to conflict. She had two abortions with this dirt ball, loser. He actually got a list of her ex-boyfriends, and when they had a fight, he passed a list out of everyone she had ever had sex with. Oh, then there's the time he forced his way into the Parent's house while she was watching it when they were away, and damaged a bunch of stuff. And on and on and on!!! How could she have wanted that in her life??? Maybe the greatest gift I've given her is that I think I have permanently damaged her relationship with him. She hasn't been able to keep it together with him for more than a couple of weeks since I came into the picture last year. He considered her HIS, and only HIS; I took that away from him. He told her he didn't want her any more after he found out that she was with me, then has gone back to her every time she calls. She was with no one else those 6 years, until I came into the picture. He throws it in her face every chance he gets, just like I told her he would. So maybe my gift to her is finally helping her break away from a horrible, abusive, relationship, and maybe her gift to me is letting me see everything that I don't want in a relationship. It's 2 months and counting, she's never gone over 3 months of NC; I'm getting the sense that she will this time, and that I've been cast aside for good. I know she was in a long term screwed up realtionship, and believe me I accounted for that the way I dealt with her. I guess I'm just haunted that she didn't give this thing long enough to work. It's almost like she has been hurt so much that anytime she got really close to me, she'd pull back in fear that she'd get hurt again. I would've and never would hurt her. I couldn't, I love her too much.

Thanks for the reminders. You go through the good periods for a while and then you hit the rough patches. It's good to have a few people whispering in your ear, "WAKE UP". Thanks people, it does help to hear. Althgough I know people rarely change, I always hope, but it just doesn't seem to happen. The good times with her are the hardest to shake off. Thanks!

I'll try to keep this as short as possible,a s the actual details of it could lead into a novel. I dated a woman who ahd come out of a 6 year abusive relationship, mostly mental abuse, but there was one time that the guy grabbed her by the neck and banged her head agains the wall and bent her over the couch injuring her back. She did say that she wanted to take a little time before we met up the first time and I respected that given the tumultous relationship she was coming out of. Finally after weeks of talking on the phone everyday, we met, and the chemistry was instant, or so I thought. Months went by and a pattern started developing; she would pull back and want time alone, the closer we were becoming. Each time she asked for it, I'd immediately, but begrudgingly back off. A few days would pass, and the phone would ring, and back she would come. Inside I knew it made no sense. If you were into someone you wouldn't run from them. But I let my emotions, and the rationiale that she was a unique case given the abuse she had been through and the bouts of depression she would go through. She did the therapist and medication thing, but honestly from what I seen of her, she looked just more confused from it all. To keep this abbreviated, I'll try and summarize what has happened and where everything is at. She left me at Thanksgiving, to go back to the abusive Ex. That lasted 2 days, and she left me a message in hysterics about how right I was when I told her he's going to mistreat her again (he didn't hit her this time, just made her feel worthless). A few weeks pass and we get back together, and for the next couple of weeks, things seem great again. Then the third week, the mood shifts started again and she would go from hot to cold from day to day. She breaks up with me again the day after Christmas and again, I walk away with my head up, and give her the space she wants. I hear nothing until mid Februaury when she calls me up to see how I have been. She also owed me some money that she wanted to drop off. When she did drop it off, one thing led to another, and we again began to see each other. Deja Vous, as two more weeks pass, she goes cold again and my frustration level is maxed out. The emotional roller coaster she always seems to be on had drug me right along. Towards the end, she tells me that she went back to him starting on New Years day, and was with him another two weeks. I see the next breakup coming and meet it half way by telling her next time she gets depressed, don't call me. Also, told her that them two deserve each other, "he's sick for treating you that way, and your sick for always going back. She said, "I'll never call you again!". Four months pass and again I hear nothing. One night the phone rings and it's her asking how I've been. We keep the conversation strictly to our careers. I let 3 weeks pass and stop by the store at the mall where she works, she greets me warmly and we talk about day to day stuff, nothing about us. I let 2 weeks pass and call her to see if she ahd gotten the Management job that she told me she ahd interviewed for. When she picked up the phone it became a one word conversation. She hadn't gotten the job, wouldn't give me anything more tha one word responses, with the exception of saying, "you didn't have to call". I politely said, "fine I won;t call you anymore. I just called to see how you were". Total mixed messages! Why did she call me and then act so cold when I did the same in return? Never, during our two talks did I ask her back or even discuss us. It was kept casual and friendly. Now I feel trapped. I know I shouldn't but I do. I know any contact with her by phone will have the opposite effect of what I want, so I sit on my hands like I did before. But for some reason, this stretch is harder. I was doing good until she called me again after that 4 month stretch. I've never been so hurt in my life, yet I won't show her that hurt. I had every justification to slam the phone down on her when she called me; yet I didn't, I had a friendly conversation with her. It's now been 2 months since the cold one word conversation we had. Is there any way to approach her again? Her abusive Ex, would literally impose himself on her by going to her work and house, uninvited; leave rambling, pleading, messages about how much he neeeds her, ect... I've done none of that, and acted nothing like him, yet I feel I somehow am held to a different standard than him. had I done and behaved the way he did and does, she'd have utter disdain for me. Yet it's ok for him and she always seems to pick up the phone and rein this guy back in. I can't find a way to make contact without looking weak. I know I'm probably best to keep doing what I'm doing. But I can't shake this thing for some reason. It's like I wante her to flat out tell me that we are through and that she doesn't love me. Blow me out of the water once and for all, yet I never quite get that from her, and if I do get it, she always back tracks on it. I am just at wits end and don't know which way to go. I do want her back. Do I just let time continue to pass. I was hoping that the 7 months we've been apart would help her flush out things, yet I guess her silence speaks otherwise. I welcome your advice.

If these things from your past, are things that weren't done when you were with him, and have no direct effect on your relationship, besides him being mentally hooked up on them; then what he is doing is very unfair to you. You were honest with him and told him and now he is using that honesty against you. This guy is bad news waiting to happen. Think about how disrespectful and unfair he is handling this. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that? Leave him be and if he contacrts you call him on his behavior.

She's stringing you along. Think about what you wrote here and look at logically, not emotionally. She doesn't know who she is?! She needed to do this?! Step back for a second and think about what she is doing, not what she is saying. She loves you so much that she had to break up with you. She loves you so much that she is going to start dating other people, which she will. She loves you so much that she is going to risk losing you to someone else. She broke your heart. That's one hell of a way of showing someone love. I don't mean to sound harsh, but this girl is stringing you along right now. You are the backup plan in case her little world doesn't quite work out the way she thought it would. The more contact you have with her, the less respect she'll have for you, and the easier you'll make it for her to cut you out of her life all together. Don't make it easy for her, don't be her friend. If you do you will wind up hating yourself. The best thing you can do is "go away" totally away. She wants to experience life without you, then let her. Become invisible to her. Don't pick up the phone, don't return her phone calls, or text messages, ect... And, don't even tell her why, just do it. If she corners you somehow for an explination, tell her what she did hurt you a lot and that you don't need people like that in your life. Good luck bud, I know it hurts! I've had the rug pulled out from me too and no matter what someone tells you or what you read, it doesn't make it any easier.

The day after Christmas, when we had words that led to the second breakup. She had expected that I was going to give her a ring for Christmas and proposel which I had planned on doing before the debacle she created at Thanksgiving time. Talk about unreasonable expectations! She cast me off only a month before to run back to a dirt ball; and we had only been back together for 2 weeks! The first time she went back to him, it only lasted 2 days (sound familiar?!) Well anyway, everything I did that day after Christams, was wrong. No matter what I did it drew criticism and finally I had hit my limit of listening to it. I said to her, "what the hell is going on? Everything hurts your A**! No matter what I do, you have something to say about it." She said, "well that's how I am". I shot back at her, "is there anything I do that is right?". Then she said, "well you take that TV you bought me for Christmas back". I packed up my overnight bag, shook my head, and walked out the door. She called me three days later and asked me to come over when she wasn't there to get the TV, and to take the gifts that she had given me. She said she wanted me to have them. I went over her house, packed up the TV, and left her gifts there. I know she must've been surprised when she got home and seen all of the stuff she left me still there. Then at the last breakup, she had been doing wash at my house. She had to call me to pick her things up, she had left a lot of clothes here. So I took all of her stuff, put it in a bag, and then put every piece of clothing that she gave me into another bag. Was it petty? Maybe. But I didn't want any reminders of her around the house. She does the same thing your girl does. She'll throw everything back in your face, even if you were helping her. Every conversation was an adventure because she would take something the wrong way, get mad, and go into her shell. A small example of a typical interaction with her. Christmas Eve, she is in a mood which was typical for her. She was having her family over that night and had a lot to do. So I offered to pick soda and beer for her while she is at work. I get to her house, and put everything in a cooler with ice, and then see that she has a sing full of dishes that she is going to have to do before everyone comes over. So to be an extra nice guy I do them for her. So later that day before I was going to her house for the night, I had to first stop at my Parent's house. Originally I had planned on bringing the rest of her daughter's gifts that were being hid at my house, when I went to her get together. But being that I was going to my Parent's, I decided to drop them off on the way, to save myself another trip that night. Talk about ungreatful! Because I didn't follow her time table and actually did something that was beneficial to me, she did nothing but moan and groan. "why didn't you just do what I asked you to do?!"what are you doing here now?! I told you to bring them tonight! I don't have time for this now". I said nothing until I was leaving and then I said out loud, in a conversation with myself, "thanks for helping out Al, I really appreciate it. Oh you're welcome Chris". With that statement I made her look like the ungreatful (you know what) she was acting like. Damn, I had spent 2 hours putting a doll house together for her daughter, spent going out shopping with her for gifts, took time out of my day to get beer and soda for her party, did her dishes while I was there; and all she can do is babble about nothing! She knew it too because she said, "I do appreciate you". Well she was good with words and saying the right things, yet her actions constantly showed her true character. But the absolute worst throw back was at the Thanksgiving breakup. I had writter her and told her she used me, to which she actually admitted to. In a letter she wrote to me, explaing why she did what she did, she said, "I saw all of the things that I worked so hard for with him, a house, a baby, and getting married happeing with you. I have to try one more time for these things with him". This is a guy that abused her, sued her brothers after they beat him up when they learned of the abuse, and passed a list out to all of her Ex boyfriends to let then know which guys she had slept with. On top of it, he has a dead end job and is a fat pig. She took my dreams, not just hers, and tried to hand them to a dirtball, and card less about how much she had hurt me. I don't know why she still haunts my thoughts. Damn, I have so much going for me too. I'm attractive, am involved in a business venture in the music industry that people only dream of, and have been with two other women since her; yet the way everything went down I can't shake her. I feel like I was handed everything I ever wanted, and in a heartbeat, had it ripped away.

Yup, I know that feeling. That feeling that she has been so hurt in her past realationship that she wants to take it out on someone and make them feel as bad as she does. I, like you, was doing good for that 3 month stretch where we had NC at all. Then when she called to see how I was doing, I felt like I not only went back to square one, but even further regressed. I'm even feeling worse this weekend. I'm pretty sure she is away for the weekend with the abusive Ex. I feel like throwing up right now.

Hey bud, I've been in this same boat with my Ex. I had started seeing a girl I went to high school with, 20 years after we graduated. We had a chance meeting and then started talking. The phone conversations quickly turned into regular nightly marathons andthen we started seeing each other. Everything seemed great for months, she had never been happier, or so i thought. But, even her co-workers were telling her that they never seen her in a better mood. We started making long term plans, marriage, a kid, and a new house. then "BAM" out of the blue she pulls the "I need my alone time" stuff, but I sensed there was something more to it, and there was. She wound up going back to her dirt ball Ex, with whom she ahd been in a 6 year relationship with. I still remember writing her and saying, "tou used me"! She actually admitted it too, and though that by saying, "it wasn't intentional", somehow made it all okay. I was crushed! So she gets back with the Ex for 2 days, and then I get a phone call left on my machine with her in hysterics. Three weeks later we begin dating again. I ahd told her before the first breakup went down that I ahd planned to propose on Christmas before she pulled all of this stuff. Well Christmas rolls around and she breaks down crying that night, expecting the proposal. What?!!!! I thought I mad it pretty clear, that given the events of the past month that the time table got pushed back a little. We get in a an argument the next day because everything I seemed to do taht day was "wrong". Anything I did drew a criticism, and I had my fill of it and confronted her on how cold she had been with me the past couple of weeks. We break up again! I try to smooth things out and she just throws it all in my face. She is a master at saying just the right thing to rip out your heart. After a phone call to her where she gave me the cold shoulder, I got a return call taht I didn't answer. She left a 2 minute message telling me that she fell for the "dreams" faster tahn she fell for me. I figured fine, game over, I'm done with you, you live your life and I'll live mine. 1 1/2 months pass, and she calls me up, and soon after we begin seeing each other. It lasts about a week, and she starts the moodyness stuff again. She was a total roller coaster ride from the first time I met her, very very highs and very very lows. I get fed up with it and the third break is mutual, it was coming anyway so I initiated it. Told her to go away and never call mea gain. She looked at me with disdain and said, "I'll never call you agian". 4 months pass and the phone rings, it's her to see how I have been doing, we talk about work stricktly and stay away from the personal stuff. Conversation ends and it seems that we are on friendly terms. I let 3 weeks pass and stop by the mall where she works to say hello; and we again have a nice talk. I let 2 more weeks pass and then call her to see if she ahd gotten the Management job that she interviewed for. I was given the total cold shoulder and after a minute of the one word conversation from her, I said goodbye. Now here's a girl that I have only been good to adn who stated that I was the greatest guy. Yeah, so great she pretty much dumped all over me the way she handled the thing with her Ex. The irony, she's not with him either now. I think her relationship with me has pretty much ruined that. If anything, that may be my greatest gift to her, to have ruined her abusive relationship with him. It's been 2 months since that cold one word conversation. I know I should hate this girl for the way she treated me, but I just have this sick feeling in my stomach from knowing what a great future she threw away for us. You should do total NC with this girl, ignore her! It's the only way you get their attention. It's the only way I got my Ex's attention. If she asks, tell her you don;t appreciate the way she ahs treated you, and that you don't need people like that in your life; you've got too much to offer to be taken for granted like that. Good luck, I know it's tough!

Very wise for such a young woman! I had been in a relationship with a woman I knew from high school, some 20 years ago. Maybe I made it more complciated then it really should've been, and maybe I should've and still should follow the advice that you reminded me of. I posted that "when someone shows you who they are, believe them" comment awhile back. I may not have been the only one that gave that advice, but I do remember giving it out. I was doing good and actually started letting the feelings I had for her start to drift away. Then the unexpected happened, she called me after 3 months to see how I was doing. I should've just hung the phone up on her, instead I acted classy and kept the conversation to our careers only; no personal stuff whatsoever, beyond me asking how her 12 year daughter has been. A month later when I paid her a similar phone call to see if she had gotten the Management job she interviewed for, I was met with coldness, and one word answers. I had no intention of discussing "us" during the call, it was simply a friendly call. I guess it was too tough for her to show me the same courtesy I had shown her. I could've been mean and bitter, but I wasn't. I ended the call when she said, "you don't have to call"; to which I replied, "okay, I won't call you anymore. I just called to see how you were doing, bye.", and then I hung up. She did it to me again, or let me say I let her do it to me. Her contacting me again felt like I was back at day 1 of the breakup. I figured after 3 months of no contact, she's gone! Then to have a common courtesy thrown back in my face like that from the one word phone conversation, was devesatating. Here's a person I treated great, not because I wanted anything from her, but because I truly loved her. At the last breakup, there were 3 in total, I told her to go away and never call me again, she spit back that she would never call me again! Afterall, she's the one that contacted me again, I didn't pursue her! Even though I was calm, cool, and collective, during the 2 phone conversations, inside I was bleeding bad; though I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing that. I feel like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football, and she is Lucy, constantly pulling it away at the last second. I don't know why I can't shake her. It's been 2 months since that cold phone greeting from her, and I won't initiate contact with her again. But I am haunted by these feelings of loss. I hate myself for still caring about her and wanting her back. What prompted that comment I posted about "when someone shows you who they are, believe them", were words that came from her mouth. She told me repeatedly during our relationship, that she would "mess this thing up", and that I had "no idea what I was getting into". I didn't!!! She had come out of a 6 year abusive relationship that she just couldn't shake. The whole thing perplexed me because I didn't understand it. The guy was a dirt ball and a loser, that's not jealousy talking, that's fact. The things he did to her, and that she allowed him to get away with, are just mind boggling! I thought she was feeling ashamed for having stayed so long in that relationship, when it turns out that she was addicted to him, and couldn't get over him. A mighty ego blow, especially when you outclassed him and out-performed him in every aspect of the relationship, and I mean every! It was like watching a drug addict that couldn't quit shooting up, even though they know it will destroy them. With all of her flaws, and there are many, I never held her past against her. But, what I did hold against her, was how heartless she was with me. She would breakup with me, run to him, and then come running back to me. I should've never taken her back the first time, but I gave her too much leeway, knowing the abuse she had been through the past 6 years; plus I loved the girl, I still do. I thought all of the counseling that she went through would evetually set in and that she would come to her senses! I even told her, that as much as it hurt when she left, I dould've accepted it had she gone back to her Ex husband (the father of her daughter), because he's a nice guy. But, to go back to this dirt ball is mind boggling!But she is the very definition of POISON. She sabotages everything good in her life, and I was slowly becoming one of the sabotagees. I know she is bad news, but I just wish I could lost these feelings for her, for good. I've done the dating thing, have my life in order, have a career opportunity that has just come up that I only dreamed of; and yet I feel like an empty shell, there is just something missing.

It's really just a kind way of breaking up. Think about it logically, do we push things that we love away from us? No, we draw them closer to us and make them a part of our life. This guy isn't giving you what you deserve. Don't waste your time waiting for him, as I have done with my Ex. I kept waiting for that one moment of insight where she realized what she had and what she lost. It just isn't going to happen!