ninjagirl

I'm sure that can't have been easy, but good for you for standing up for yourself. While the comfort of a relationship can be hard to wean ourselves off of, we deserve to have someone who is just as excited and appreciative of the relationship as we are--and they are out there. Someone going behind your back is just a sign that screams that this person can't be someone who you should be long-term with. With my guy, I got comfortable and started ignoring the red flags. Beware of complacency. Sometimes people, especially negative or hurt people. get "blocked" and can't see the good things they have before them. They think meeting the right person will take all of their problems away, when in fact it's up to them to work on their own happiness. They're the ones who are unhappy, not you. So if this guy doesn't appreciate what he has, you were right to cut him loose...because someone out there _will_ have his eyes open.

You guys rock. Yes, I like the horse analogy. It may be a good experiment to see if I can "date" him and keep looking for someone else. I really miss his company. But I hate the freaking insecurities/clinginess that seeps in when we're involved. I'm just going to lay low. I'll be curious to see if he comes trotting back. Or maybe I should line up a few other beaus first.

Yeh, I definitely went through some insecurities. He wasn't dating anyone else, it turns out, but didn't want to have the door shut on investigating other possibilities if it came up (not that he was actively searching). He never said he wanted someone like Nicole...but I know he has a thing for blondes/redheads (yes, my insecurity, I know..). I wasn't looking for a marriage proposal (!), but I just hated the feeling I got when I knew he was constantly doing things with other female friends (who I didn't know if he was pursuing) and he only proposed we hang out kind of last-minute on weekends, like the day of. It would make my imagination take over as to who else he was going out with (although it was usually just one of his close female friends) and why he wasn't making time in advance for me. He HAD TO have been attracted to me...he would bite my shoulder, moan, and tell me how sexy I was and things like that all of the time...but I guess sexual attraction and spark (even if the mind/life principles thing is there, which we definitely had) aren't the same thing.

Thanks for the posts, they are helpful. And this is the first time I've ever broken up with someone, so it's good to know I can spot the bad ones more easily now. But I'm still confused. How could he have not felt a spark for me if I felt one for him? Why would he love sex with me so much? And I guess the bigger question...what is it about me that prevents people from feeling a spark for me? The last few guys I've gone out with have been like this. It's starting to make me feel like something is wrong with me. I know there are guys out there who would do anything to be with someone like me, but the last three times I've felt a spark for someone who feels nothing back. And I'm considered a pretty postive, fascinating, beautiful, sensual, etc. person. Arrrrrgh.

Hi, I just decided to call it quits with a guy I was dating for about three months because he didn't want to commit and I was having a hard time reading whether he was excited about me. We had wonderful funny and fascinating conversations, really loved sex with each other, felt close bonds as friends, in all, we always had a fabulous time together. From our first meeting, both of us could tell we were a good "fit". We saw each other a couple of times a week, he called every two days, we took trips, I met his relatives and friends, etc. But when I cornered him about commitment he said he felt a love for me but didn't feel "in love." So I said we shouldn't see each other anymore--as friends or otherwise. I can't help but feel that all the right ingredients for love were there (he said I met the list of everything he wanted in a woman, in addition to always making him laugh and smile, inspiring him, musing about the world and so forth). He was passionate in bed, held me all night, said he loved making love to me, but maybe I'm totally off and he didn't have chemistry for me. Or maybe he just didn't give it enough time to grow. Or, because he's very negative and picky and has commitment issues, maybe he's "blocked" and wouldn't know a great thing if it hit him in the face. All his friends and relatives rave about how awesome and interesting and gorgeous I am, but I always felt like he wasn't quite "seeing" me. I should also mention that he's kind of in a dark place in his life right now. Hasn't had a long-term relationship in years, is scared of getting hurt, and by the way he talks about women, seems to be waiting for some gorgeous blonde Nicole Kidman-esque "Woman of his dreams" (I'm half-Asian, not exactly a vampy blonde) to come into his life and make him feel impassioned again. Sort of like thinking the right job will suddenly make everything good for him. Arrgh. He always told me I was extremely hot and sexy but never told me that he thought I was beautiful. He sent an email right after we broke up saying I was a very special woman and I'd left an important mark on his life. How can he not see/feel "in love?" It feels like he really should have been, and I'm confused why, if there was chemistry and friendship, it didn't grow. Did I pop the commitment thing too early? I'm 32 and he's 46...and due to many short-term relationships in the past three years, he is very commitment-shy. Could it be timing? Should I just forget about it all and move on? He would have continued with the relationship indefinitely if I hadn't suggested we call it off, but I said I didn't think we should waste each other's time. In addition, I was having a hard time "looking" for other people while I was attached to him. Guess I'm naturally monogamous, arrgh. So I'm doing the NC thing and laying low, trying to figure out why I'm so sad about him if I'm not in love with him either (but I definitely feel passion and a kind of love that could grow into more). Anyway, sorry for the long post and any advice would be appreciated!!!

Shadows...thanks for the response. You're right--you just have to keep on going forward, keep your chin up, and you WILL get through...and real friends can be hard to come by, but the ones I have, I know I'll have until I die. Perhaps there is something about hitting 30, when you realize your parents are mortal and you start seeing people for what they really are. But it is a time of great growth, and I'd rather be a deeper and sometimes sadder person than someone who has a neat, one-track life and doens't get to appreciate the deeper things as much. I feel good about the soup kitchen thing...always makes me feel good to fight sadness and bitterness with laughter, parties and kindness. So glad others feel the same. All of you--it doesn't stay dark forever. Even I know I'm just having a down day, and tomorrow will be better. So I am hunkerng down with some movie and ice cream (coffee) tonight and I'm just going to ride it out. Cheers to all you recovering heartbroken people out there...there is hope.

Hey all, It seems like so many people I've talked to this year say it was a tough year. It was my first year of being apart from a verbally abusive, controlling boyfriend of 8 years, a controlling family before that, and, just this month, I have decided to get out of a living situation with (guess!) a good friend who also has control issues (or so I've just realized). On top of my best friend's dad being murdered two years ago, us just going through the trial, and other long term relationships breaking up this year, and people's parents getting sick or dying--has it been a hard year for everyone? Why is that? It has been a year of incredible growth and yet, realizing that I will be alone this Christmas because I can't be with my toxic family (they criticized me for attending my best friend's trial in the murder of her father, saying we were both 'weak' and should be able to handle such hardship on our own--yes, they;re whacked), sometimes I wonder how much growth there has been and what it matters in the long run. I've decided to volunteer for a soup kitchen for the first time in my life this Xmas (I come from a family of atheists, so this was my own initiative). I'm not spending Xmas with my family because they're too toxic and have been way to hard on me in a year that has been my hardest. I've had to stop talking with them by phone. I feel like I'm doing all the right things--making new friends, being active, being positive, pursuing my passions--and yet sometimes it's so hard to keep one foot in front of the other. My ex, by the way, never checks up on me, and immediately got together with someone right after we broke up, because he couldn;t deal, he said. I have a feeling he has someone else for the holidays this year, while I've been single for over a year. Anyone else feel similarly down this year? Is there karma? Does it all even out? How to get through it? I've always thought the best way to combat the hard parts of life are with dancing, optimism, humor, and song. But I guess we all have our weak moments. Anyway, thanks for any kind thoughts out there. You guys have been my salvation this past year.

Stay positive, RayKay! My friend's dad just survived Stage IV skin cancer. They ended up having to surgically remove lymph nodes...twice. He didn't think he would survive the first round. Keep friends and relatives nearby, keep her fighting spirit up, and stay positive! Even in the darkest hours, there can still be hope.

I got out of an eight-year long, verbally abusive relationship over a year ago and am just edging back out onto the dating scene. The year after the breakup, I had a lot of bad luck dating. The guys I was actually interested in (about seven of them) didn't return my interest--I must have misread them, come accross as too critical/desperate, or just been picking the wrong dudes. So I just met a guy who has been very sweet and seems to like me, saying all the right things, etc. (See thread below for full story of how we met). But I'm only attracted to him if he dresses a certain way, or if I've had a few drinks. Although I'm comfortable with him in some ways, I've noticed that I'm sensitive to body odors. I was totally turned off to him a couple of days ago when he wore a really ugly sweater. And although we talk just fine, we don't really talk very deeply or have much in common. Do you guys ever keep dating someone because they're nice, even if you're not that attracted to them or even turned off by some of the things they do? (Dress, smells, messy room, etc.) I seem to notice that a lot of my girlfriends tend to stay in relationships if the guys are nice, and not necessarily if there's a strong chemistry... I feel bad cutting it off with the guy, seeing that we've only been seeing each other a couple of weeks, and he really seems to like me.I don't want to hurt his feelings. But I hate that feeling of kissing someone you're not turned on by! Should I give it another try or nip things in the bud?

I thought I would post an update here because it shows that when someone doesn't call back, sometimes it really doesn't have anything to do with you! So. The dude and I called each other back on and off for awhile. A little over a week ago, we met up again. He'd cut his hair and was not in costume--not nearly as cute as I remembered. But I found out some things about that night. When we met the 2nd time, he admitted he gave me his number because he was afraid of getting rejected. Two, he said he remembered that I was totally hot. And he still waited for me to call him twice! (He had strep throat that week). But he said he was also very drunk that night and did not remember everything we talked about. Hence the delay in responding maybe. Three, once we started going out, he was putty in my hands. Now I feel bad because he's more into it than me, and he seems like a really sweet guy, telling me he really liked me and thought I was beautiful, trying to get me to sleep over and offering to cook breakfast the next day. But I'm just not feeling that attracted to him (even though I was the first two times). Weird, hunh? I think it is a smell thing--or seeing a really ugly sweater on him this last time--that turned me off. Four, he said no woman had ever come up to him in a bar and talked to him like that! He was really glad I did. Even though we met in a bar, he said he's also usually quite shy. He hadn't been with anyone for a year. Interesting, hunh? So if the person's not calling back...it could have nothing to do with you! Could be they were too drunk, they had a girlfriend, they lost the number...they weren't worth it...

Just an overdue update...I waited a week, called again, and he_did_ call back. We've been in touch ever since, and will probably meet up when I'm back from traveling. Could be there are some cities where women are expected to be more aggressive...at least seems like that might be the way here in NY. In any case, it was an interesting experiment...

Here are some tried and true techniques I use: GO RUNNING. It works almost as good as meds, especially if you start the day with it. Doesn't have to be for very long--just as much as you can push yourself, then build onto that if you can. AVOID CAFFEINE. It makes you jumpier, whether you're aware of it or not. Tea probably isn't so bad, though. GET ENOUGH SLEEP. EAT NUTRITIOUS FOOD, REGULARLY. MEDITATE. KNOW WHEN YOU'RE FEELING ANXIOUS. Learn to feel for it, and remind yourself that you're just having an anxious moment and it will pass. FOCUS ON SOMETHING ELSE. Call a friend and talk about something else with them--their problems, something going on with your life besides what's makng you anxious, etc. Put on some music and dance around for awhile. Take a hot bath. Do something that relaxes you. Watch a movie. These have all helped me, and so long as I do them, I don't need the meds. Good luck!

Thanks for the encouragement, Pumpkin. I bet a pregnant Lara Croft would have been a sight to see, though! Have you found in your experience that there have been a lot of guys who've done the "get the number for the sake of getting it" ego thing? Guys, what do you think? Is this common?

Aww...thanks! He _was_ cute, though.

What does it mean when a guy gives you his number but doesn't take yours? I met someone at a bar last weekend. We were both in Halloween costumes--he as a cowboy and me as Lara Croft in a black vinyl bodysuit. As my friends and I were dancing, they saw him looking at me and I tried to catch his eye (I'm not great at the eye contact/flirting thing but am practicing...). At one point, he walked past me and (according to friend) turned around and totally stared at me as I was dancing. (Friends who tell me I'm "gorgeous" said I looked particularly stunning in that costume). So...because I am not good at hanging out at the bar alone so that I can more easily be approached...I just went up and introduced myself. He admitted he was looking at me...he bought me a drink, said he liked my costume, and we chatted for 20 mins. The club closed, he seemed to like me and asked for a big hug goodbye and a kiss (on the cheek), and then he took my cell phone and inputted his #, saying "I know I'm not supposed to give you my number, but..." I got a good vibe from him, or so I thought. So I called him a few days later, on Halloween, saying I was going into the city for Halloween festivities and maybe we could both meet up there for a drink or something. I left my number. No response since. Why would he stare at me like that if he wasn't interested...? Did I misread the attraction? Could it be that he was intimidated? We're in similar fields (media) and somehow it came up that I have a black belt in karate (stemming from a Lara Croft joke) and have worked at some big name places... I was reading about some don't like dating someone with a better CV than them... Or should I call again, and just say "Hey, I would love to see you again sometime," in case he's shy and not sure if I'm interested. THANKS!!!! You guys are the best!

There is a 26-year-old guy who I used to work with who I have developed a bit of a crush on. He always seems to have a lot of women after him, hangs out with some slightly elitist friends, and although I sense a connection, he always seems a bit aloof. We've seen each other at barbecues, parties, and in work settings lately. Every time he sees me, he says things like "It was nice seeing you," or "It was great seeing you last week!" I figured he was just being friendly and didn't take it as anything else. He always greets/says goodbye with a kiss on the cheek. I left a book at his house at the last barbecue, he said he would bring it to a big party I threw (I was dressed as a bellydancer--my friends were all telling me I looked hot and was being checked out by a lot of people). He approached me just once at the party (I was busy hosting--he separated himself from his friends) and said, "I forgot the book. I guess that means we're just going to have to hang out again sometime." Then, last week, I went into the office. He tried to stop me in the hall, saying I couldn't pass without a hall pass. I invited him, as I would a new friend, "to get drinks or dinner sometime so he could give me back the book." He immediately said dinner would be great, we even discussed going to a bit of a fancy place near my house. I said I would email him. So...the following week...I email on Monday, saying want to do dinner Thurs? No response, and usually he responds at some point. I don't think he's out of town, but no response at all seems rude. Maybe he didn't get the email? Or is he playing it cool? Was he interested? I've been told I'm a total "catch" (gorgeous, intelligent, talented, etc.) and that "whoever I wind up with is going to be one incredibly lucky man" (I'm assuming the bellydancing has something to do with that ). I just got out of a long-term relationship and am new to this dating thing...how should I proceed? Not looking for anything long-term necessarily...even just one night would be ok with me ... Thanks!

I am one of those women who is totally unable to tell when she's being checked out...is there a gene for this that I was just not born with? My friend and I did an experiment...we walked around a NY park...she tried to point out about 10 guys who were checking me out. I didn't notice ANY of them. I try, but never notice...am really smart in other things but apparently retarded this way. It was such a relief to know that I get looked at all of the time but just don't notice it. And all of this time I thought I was chopped liver... I know I get looked at a lot...but I'm kind of a shy introvert (I tend to do a lot of reading and playing guitar alone at home) until people get to know me better. Does that mean it's better for me to meet people through common activities than in bars or otherwise? Especially if I can't even tell if someone's interested (or muster the nerve to make eye contact with someone I am interested in?) I can't even tell who I think is but when I finally fall for someone I fall HARD. Any tips on how to overcome shyness and learn how to tell if you're being checked out? THANKS!!!!!

My ex of 6 months called me really late last night and left a drunken message on my answering machine saying "I'm just calling cause I had some things on my mind, like how badly I treated you, basically. I know how badly I treated you...it doesn't mean anything other than that I regret it. I just feel bad...but that's all. Anyway, good luck." The message left me feeling pissed off. We were together 8 years and have only spoken a couple of times since we split, mostly because he owes me money. Although he did cry the last time we spoke, about a month ago, saying "I don't think I'll ever completely get over you," and we were each others' first loves, I felt like this was a way of him saying "Oops, yeah, I was bad to you, but I'm not really going to take much responsibility for it and, by the way, don't think I want you back, because I don't." Although he could be incredibly sweet and charming, he was also controlling, verbally abusive and manipulative throughout our relationship. I found out the last time we talked that he went searching to see if I was on any online dating sites because he was "curious." He said the break-up then "was just starting to hit him." I really loved this man and it makes me so mad that he's still hurting me by saying "I feel bad--but I don't regret breaking up..." Or maybe I am just putting my own negative spin on it. Is it his guilt speaking? Pride? Love? Missing me? Any thoughts? Thanks everyone in advance for responses...you guys are great!

Hi there- I get enough compliments from random people on the streets and friends to know that I'm attractive...my friends think I'm a "catch" because I'm kind, creative, talented...yet no guy in my life has ever asked for my number. (I'm 31 and just got out of an 8 year relationship, so I have to admit I was out of the dating scene for a large chunk of my 20s). I dress cute, wear make-up (not a lot), try to look approachable, but am not one of those loud, giggly women at bars. In fact, I guess I'm more on the shy side--an introverted artist (but I do like to have fun). What am I doing wrong? Since the break-up (three months ago), I've been keeping busy, doing my own thing, hanging out with friends. And yet...I have friends--often tall and blonde--that meet people all of the time. Am I trying too hard? Do I just not have the "look"? (I'm part Asian, part white). Should I forget about trying to find someone and just concentrate on my own life...? What makes guys want to approach women? Should I approach them? How? Thanks!

In his email, he told me he would definitely like to play guitar together sometime, that he would be out of town until midweek, and I should drop him a line after that if I was interested. I figured my email back would be something like: "No worries. I appreciate you being honest. Guitar would be great. My schedule frees up at the end of the week."

He didn't say in his email why he wasn't interested in getting involved. But he is someone who is really into adventure sports...does major climbs, works out a lot. My guess is he also doesn't have a lot of time.

My emial said "Had a great time Friday...by the way, am heading out for some live music Thursday...I know you know the music scene here better than me...care to join me?" The comments are all helpful...you guys rock!

I kissed someone (more than a peck, on the lips) on NYE, after he was clinging to me all night. After I sent him an email on Sunday, he just sent me one today saying he's not interested in getting involved romantically but wants to hang out and play guitar sometime (I also play). I'm confused because friends observing us all night said he was obviously interested in me and attracted to me. He even invited me out to a 2nd New Year's part that night. Three people this week, even random strangers, have told me I'm sexy/beautiful this week. I'm smart, funny, relaxed, creative, outgoing... Thing is, he doesn't even know me that well, and I feel like he's not really giving me a chance. So what happened...?! I'm sure this is a bigger deal also because I'm getting out of an 8 year relationship, and this is the 1st guy I've been attracted to since my ex. Do I hang out with him, and is there a possibility that he may want me later? Is he trying to be a friend? (I'm all for building friendships). Or am I just being pathetic. javascript

Thanks GreatGuy! You helped...again...(I think you posted to another posting I had, about my verbally abusive ex). Glad to see we are both moving on from our exes. Yes, if you like her, you should call her, especially because SHE had the guts to kiss YOU. I did it on a whim, and he was responsive, but now I'm hanging, wondering if he really likes me or if there is something else going on.Especially because there are some posts that say guys don't like the girls making too much effort.

I kissed this guy at the end of the evening on New Year's Eve (Friday), after he was paying attention to me all night...and he hasn't called since. In my eyes, it was an amazing kiss that lasted about 5 seconds...it distracted me all weekend...everyone at the party told me it was pretty clear this guy was interested in me...but is it possible that he just wasn't as affected? Or that he didn't enjoy the kiss? He wasn't exactly fighting to get away, but he didn't quite melt in my arms, either. I emailed him last night...just a casual "I had a great night with you Friday hey I'm tihnking of going to this concert, want to go with me?" It's only been a day but there's been no response. Now I'm wondering if maybe he was put off by me being too aggressive. I met this guy a couple of weeks ago at a friend's house and gave him my card because I got a good vibe from him. He ended up coming to a NYE party my roommate and I invited him to. He hung around with me all night...making excuses to be alone with me...kissing me at the stroke of 12, twice... although we mostly hugged and kissed each other on the cheek through the night, I was bold and kissed him after we went to another party together and he walked me home. I had drank quite a bit and was stumbling a little but my mental faculties were ok. Friends say, maybe he was just being a gentleman because he knew I was a bit impaired. We don't know each other well but I feel like there's a lot of potential, and he remembered little details about me from the first time we met. He'd do things like pull the hair away from around my neck, massage my feet... Friends also tell me I'm smart and creative and beautiful and how could he now want me...? But now I'm afraid I blew it, and it started off so well. What to do?!