ninjagirl

Hi - I posted last month about missing an ex who admitted being cruel and verbally abusive to me when we broke up: link removed It's been about eight weeks now since we broke up (we were together/living together for 8 years) and I'm recently rutting my head up against the idea that maybe my ex didn't really love me the way he said he did. He said mean things only a small percentage of the time and was very loving the rest of the time, which is why I guess I still have a hard time not thinking about him. When we broke up he said he would probably always love me, that he would always try to be there for me, that he had an enormous amount of respect for me, etc. Ok, ok, if he was mean to me sometimes I guess I shouldn't even be wasting my time thinking about him. But I'm still in love with the good parts. Aside from a couple of business-like emails over money he owes me, there has been no contact. A mutual friend said he asked her how I was doing--wanted to know if I was getting counseling (I am)--and she said that he didn't seem like he was happy about us being apart or dating anyone else. However, several weeks after the break up he told me he had already started moving on. Don't know if that means he had a fling with someone else. He's normally not the type, especially since I was his first. Anyway, if her were tormented with feeling of love and missing me, wouldn't he call? At least over the holidays? I feel like, if he really cared, he would at least wish me a merry xmas or something. Or maybe he just doesn't want to make things harder for me than they already are. Thoughts?

I think Ticklebug is right...my best friend started going through a tough time with her g/f after her dad was murdered, and her g/f couldn't handle it so she cut and run a few months after. Hang in there, if you can, and I'm sure he will be grateful for any support that you can offer

Thanks Enn, Ticklebug, GreatGuy! Your messages made me feel a lot better. I emailed my ex about the money today and he emailed me back, saying I had been more than fair and that he would send me a check by the end of the year. I was just talking to my friend about memories I had of my ex trying to control me and other people. For example, he used to try to prevent me from being nice to our mutual roommate because he didn't get along with the guy and was afraid the guy would be using me as a way of getting back at him. A friend just pointed out, that is extremely controlling behvaiour and shows that the guy had major issues. With the money, I was afraid he was going to do something like go to Spain for a month and then tell me: "I can't pay you just now--sorry!" Sad thing is, there are decent parts to him, too, and that's why he agreed to pay the money off. Enn, I'm sorry you had to go through your relationship with this guy. It's so confusing, isn't it? Because they also have thier good sides... But I'm sure that, in time, you will realize that you're better off with someone who is good to you. As for him, he'll probably never find anyone as awesome as you again whose willing to put up with his ****. Yes, we will feel liberated!

If I thought that what we had was love, and it isn't, then what is the definition of love? After eight years, we were still able to stay up until 2 in the morning some nights, having long dinners we'd made together and pouring our hearts out about our views of the world and feelings for each other. We never ran out of things to talk about, and often felt like we were on the same wavelength about things. We both played guitar, sang, gardened, painted, read things....He crafted things for me--a silver bracelet that replicated one he had. Physically, we were perfect together. I don't mean to go off about him--maybe this is all a sign of the codependence/abuse...but those things are what make it so hard to think that it WASN'T love. We felt very comfortable with and excited about each other from the very start, and that never faded. I am getting counseling now, by the way, now that I've had time to find a good one and have a job that can pay for it. GreatGuy, I hear you! I am working on supporting myself, learning to love me and depending on the support of great friends. As a good friend of mine put it, she thinks he has a major bolt missing that lets him see when saying some things are appropriate and when they're not. Part of it was because he was really immature, part of it is because he got a little screwed up when his own parents divorced and he had to sleep on the couch for 2 years so his mother could take his bedroom. Not saying I wasn't critical sometimes, but I certainly never stooped to calling him an idiot. Thanks for your responses!

Hi all, Thought I'd post here because I was suddenly feeling sad tonight, after 6 weeks of no contact with my ex. Sorry for the long post! We were together for about 8 years--we lived together the whole time--and broke up officially a couple of months ago. I am now in NY and he's in San Francisco. I moved after I realized we were going to break up anyway. We're both in our 30s. We broke up while both of us were still totally in love. I was his first and he was my fourth. The reasons for the breakup are complicated--we generally got along great--we felt fated for each other and all that--but then we would get into these horrible fights when we got critical of each other. At those times, if I disagreed with him, he would tell me I was foolish and an idiot--all the stuff he knew my parents had called me when they were upset with me (they were also verbally abusive). I would sometimes criticize him, too for not being able to keep money in the bank (he considers himself a self-styled entrepreneur, i.e. he stays home and creates his own businesses because he could never handle working for anyone...and he still owes me a few thousand dollars that he borrowed). He criticized me for having a stressful career, for my family being dysfunctional (although his family was also dysfunctional), for gaining 10 lbs after getting on an anxiety medication to deal with stuff from my family (he criticized me for not exercising enough, although the weight gain was because of the meds, not lack of exercise) and for having a hard time after my best friend's dad died. This was a man who, for the most part, was constantly telling me I was an amazing woman--intelligent, beautiful, unique, talented, etc., and that he would probably never love anyone else as deeply. We had hoped to marry some day. But when I talked to him on Halloween, our anniversary, it was hard--he said he in many ways had "already moved on" (which I read as "I've already started dating someone else") and he was encouraging me to do the same. Another thing--dring our last conversation, he admitted that he had been verbally abusive to me, and that a stronger woman would have left him a long time ago. He called me "irresponsible" for not having found a counselor yet. (I had just moved to New York one month before and was still looking for a job). Friends since then, even mutual friends, have stepped forward to tell me they didn't like the way he treated me and felt like I should be with someone who appreciated what an amazing person I was. I'm financially stable, moving forward in my careeer, giving, funny...I tend to get a lot of compliments for my looks, brains and personality. So why do I miss this guy who was abusive to me? Why do I wonder if he's missing me? Some friends of mine have spoken to him since we'e been doing NC and say they really don't think he's dating anyone...they say he acts weird/seems like he's having a hard time. If our love was strong and unique, if I'm as amazing as he said I was, why isn't he calling me? Doesn't he miss me? Or do some people just decide to end things and not look back--especially guys? Thanks for any responses--you guys are great!