greenie35

I guess the main thing about breaking up with my boyfriend is that I really haven't made a lot of friends down here. I guess I feel like if I break things off with him I'd be losing my only friend. It's not soo much that I want a man waiting in the wings. I cant really put into words the way this guy makes me feel when I'm around him. I 'm 25 years old and he makes me feel like I'm 14 again. It's great. I realize it may be due to the fact that I've become bored in my current relationship. I can't deny the way he makes me feel. If he is taken, I don't understand why he would continue this game we seem to be playing. Perhaps it makes work more tolerable maybe he thinks it's fun and just likes the attention. Either way--I may be moving back to my hometown after this semester is over. I'm not sure yet. If I had the oppurtunity to date this guy I would hve to go for it. I'd be a fool not too. I know I need to break things off with my boyfriend. I just don't know how to go about it. I'm afriad of being lonely. We moved so far away from my family and friends. I don't have a lot of oppurtunity to meet new friends.

This is long but I really need some advice here... I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and ahalf years. We moved a way together to attend college and since we've moved we have done nothing but argue. It seems as though our goals and ambitions in life are completely different. I love him so much and am really attached to him adn his family. He has moved out of the house we shared to get some space. We thought this might help our relationship, and it has a bit, but I still feel like somethings missing. I'm pretty sure he does too. We're still hanging on. Here's the thing... There is a very attractive guy where I work. The first time I actually felt interest in him I was walking with a co-worker to our bosses office. I noticed this guy walking towards me. I had notice him before, but had never seen him close up. As he passed I (trying to be subtle) looked up from under the bill of my cap. He stared me right in the eyes and it was like time stood still. I had to go to the bathroom to get my heart to stop beating so fast and splash cold water on my face. Since then, there have been soooo many occasions where we have locked eyes for more than 3 or 4 seconds. I can tell that he wants me to know he's checking me out. Other people I work with have told me that they see him staring at me, when I walk past. This has been going on for months now. Only recently have we exchanged words, but they are usually work related. I try to find ways to talk to him so that I can feel his energy. Lately the eye contact has become more obvious. I attended our christmas party a few months ago and was hoping I could actually talk to him there, but he was with a girl. This hurt a bit, but I do have boyfriend and took this as a sign that I shouldn't take this all too seriously. One day my boyfriend dropped me off at work and standing outside the door was the guy on his cell phone . I kissed my boyfriend and got out of the car. He of course saw this and gave me another extended glance, but it was of the "well well well, what do we have here" variety. The realization of us both knowing the other is taken has not interfered with our constant eye flirting. I don't know what to do here, because it looks as though my relatinoship is coming to an end and I don't know what's going on with my crush's relationship. I don't think it's fair that he could so blatantly be flirting with me if he has a girlfriend. It's like teasing...but then again maybe he doesnt want to approach me because he's thinking the same thing. What should I do about this. Should I try to have a real conversation with this crush. I have already gone to a bar I know he hangs out in in hopes of talking to him there. Should I break things off with my boyfriend and then approach this new guy. It is soooo difficult...I really would like to explore this other guy. I believe this strong feeling I have for this other guy is the surest sign that I'm ready to leave my boyfriend. I would appreciate some advice here.

Amen, to the not opening a joint checking account till your married. I've also learned that cohibitating is a bad idea...well at least from what I've experienced myself and with friends. How does the old adage go? Why buy the milk when you get the cow for free. I don't necessarily like that statement a whole bunch, but I can see the logic.. I know he is upset because he thinks I want to end it. I'm going to keep my distance and see if he comes around. We're dealing with someone who has a WHOLE LOTTA Pride. He would never grovel or come to me crying or anything like that. And I don't think I would want to see him do that anyway, I just really think I'm right. I always question my actions but I can't justify letting him think that this is ok. thanks for the help...I'm hanging in there.

He has returned the money to me. I still think an apology is in order...

I have posted in the past about the conflict I am having with my boyfriend. We moved away together to attend school. We had lived together before we moved away together and everything was fine back at home. Since we've moved we have done nothing but quarrel about anything and everything. We both still admitted that we love each other, but we came to the mutual decision that he should get his own place closer to campus. There was a variety of reasons for this decision. For one he has no car, which made it extremely difficult considering our schedules at school and work were so different. We just needed some space. So we both have our own place and had previously agreed that this was a temporary arrangement. He has only been in his own place for 3 weeks and he is alreadymaking plans to get a place next semester with a buddy of his from school. He actually had made the decision before even talking to me. He is also drinking a lot more now and breaking plans with me to hang out with his buddies. I'm starting to feel very low on his list of priorities. I've confronted him about my feelings and he doesn't seem to take them very seriously. I can never tell if he is joking or in a coward's way being honest. He had told me that he was going to make a quick trip back home with a friend to purchase something that I did not agree with, but he decided to do it anyway. I asked him to please call me before he left, which he neglected to do. Here's the kicker. He claims that his new place has allowed him independence that he so desperately needed. We have a joint checking account together. He has already withdrawn all of his money from the account, but we haven't yet had the time to take his name off of the account. The morning after he left I went to the ATM to withdraw some money and noticed 200 dollars gone. I was so upset. He has done nothing but treat me as an insignifigcant part of his life. Someone he doesn't need nor really care about. He's supposedly "independent" yet he felt that he still had the right to take my money. He had a pay roll check that he claims he didn't have time to get cashed before leaving on his trip, but the principle stands. I'm ready to leave him. He refuses to apologize and didn't even get me anything for Valentines day, because he has no money. This decision to move out was financially debilitating for him. I am ok on my own, but I wonder how long he will make it. I do still love him, but I don't want to play the fool. My parents are telling me what a loser he is, but who really wants to hear that from their parents? Any advice? Was I wrong to get so upset about him "borrowing" the money.

Your situation is a lot like the situation I'm in--Except I think I'm in his shoes. It took reading this post to see the reaility of it. It seems to me you already know your truth. Everone experiences heartbreak in their life. It's understandable that your worried about hurting him, but it almost isn't fair to be with him if you can't give him your whole heart. You're at a point in your life when you're really getting to know yourself. It's important that you give yourself this time to find yourself and even though he is hurt he will move on, in time. I found the answer to my question in your question. "once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right" Good luck, and thank you.

I appreciate everyones response. I've been told by boyfriend that I should probably seek counseling. His sister had a really bad problem with Bullima. My relationship is a becoming a real pain in the rear lately too. It has been for a while a guess. I've posted about this before. I have lost myself in this relationship and we argue pretty much all the time. It's ugly. I feel like a coward because I can't tell him it's over. Sometimes I want so badly for it to work, but it just doesnt get better. We are kind of stuck with each other for now. We share a house and he wont have the money to move out for about a month. We have talked about trying to make it work while living apart...I don't know what's going to happen here. We are completey reliant upon each other for everything that there is no space for growing. I used to love myself...before I got into this relationship and I don't think it's completely his fault. However there is a lot of things about him that drive me freakin' insane. I'm feeling a lot better then I did the other night. That night I looked in the mirror and I saw the ugliest person---inside & out. Today is a different day and although it looks like my relationship is going down the crapper I feel empowered. Once again---I appreciate your responses and I take them to heart. I love this website... Janet

Thanks for your reply... I know that I need to exercise. I know that my body type is the kind that gains weight easily if I don't exercise. When I met my boyfriend I was pretty slim. I actually weighed more than I do now, but it was predominantly muscle. Currently it's hard to get to the gym. School is really loading up on me. I guess I am a bit impatient. After the 1st of Jan. I should have a bit more free-time and will try to get back on a schedule. I used to really love exercising...it kept me going, made me feel strong and confident. I will try again...I just need a little time... thanks again J

I was just flpping through some posts and came accross yours... your dillemma reminded me of a movie called Eternal Sunshine with Jim Carey and Kate Winslet. Have you seen it? If not you should...you'll be glad you did. peace J

I don't want to be cliche here. All I can say is that I feel completely alone and empty...I guess I'm not really cliche I'm probably alot like you---otherwise you wouldn't be reading this. I have battled with weight issues for the past 5 years. When I was in high school I weighed about 210 pounds at 5'9. High school was a happy time for me... I had lots of friends and the weight thing never got me down. My first boyfriend (I was 18) was a bit too honest with me about my appearance I won't go into too much detail here--but it hurt. Anyway I got a job that summer at a greenhouse/nursery and lost about 30 pounds. It was a lot of physical work. I noticed how people began to treat me. I felt the same but people were so much nicer to me and everyone commented on how good I looked. I gained a little back over the winter, come spring I went back to work at the greenhouse. I lost what weight I had gained plus another 15 pounds. I was starting to get a lot of attention from guys... fell in love again..he cheatedon me. I spiraled down...I gained about 20 pounds that winter and then it go worse from there... I wouldn't classify myself as a full fledged bullimic, but I did vomit a few times. I never really binged...I becam so self-conscious. I decided to get my life back on track and began healthy eating and exercising. I lost the weight and then some...looked better than ever. However the fear of gaining weight is ruining my life and causes me muchpain and strife daily. I feel so completely out of touch with the rest of the world because All I can think about is how fat I am getting. I know I have gained a little weight since I have moved to go to college. My clothes are fitting much tighter. I'm afriad to get on a scale. I broke down tonight and told my boyfriend we should break up because "I don't love myself"...crazy eh...i love him to death...but I could love him better if I loved my self. I've done it all before...diet..exercise...i've even been to counseling once...i tried anti-depressants they made me feel worse. I just feel like my whole life I will struggle with this. I have no motivation to try to diet and exercise...becasue it's the fear that the real cause of all my pain.. I know this is pretty long...and if you made it this far I appreciate your time. I'm losing my will to go on. I'm not brave enough to commit suicide or anything like that...but I am self-defeating everyday. I stress out..i smoke too much...i think about food...my enemy... I don't know what to do...I'm so tired...

I just moved 6 hours away from my hometown. My boyfriend and I rented a house close to school and I can't seem to feel right yet. We have been fighting constantly and I have no friends here. The campus is pretty nice, but when I'm there I can't wait to go home. Once I get home it's like all I want to do is go to sleep. He and I can't seem to find any common ground and he's looking into getting his own place closer to campus. He says that will help our relationship. I was okay with that thinking if I had some space and time on my own without worrying about him...I would be able to find myself down here. That's all I really want to do is find myself. If I knew who I was and what was good for me I think I would be a happier person. I really love working out but have been finding it hard to work it into our schedules. I just feel so alone down here. I feel like people are looking at me questioning me, judging me. My boyfriend says I'm just paranoid. Perhaps he's right. But I know a couple times they did give me some weird looks. I had to go to the bathroom and look to see if I had something on my face. I dunno...I know I'm supposed to be here though. I'm not going home...I came here to better myself and that's what I'm gonna do. Hopefully this is just a storm blowing through. Just needed to vent.. Peace be with you...

Actually, there are soem details I left out... The two of us received a whole lotta financial aid to get down here. We opened a joint checking account and combined both of our checks together and have been sharing it. I am not stingy nor is he so this aspect is not the problem. We both found jobs a couple weeks ago so now we have a nice nest egg in the bank on top of what we are bringing in. If he were to remove a large chunk of that money in the bank to pay first and last months rent that would be a burden since a lot of that money was meant for utilities (rent here is paid up until Janurary.) Enough of the finances though... He doesn't have a car. I do. If we didnt live together he would have to live close to campus to get to his classes. When we lived together before we moved we shared my car and financially we lived with his dad who asked for a very small portion of rent and maintenance work on the house. This was ideal for us, since we were both pretty poor. Things were okay before we moved as I stated before he was wayyy more jealous of me than I of him. We were in familiar territory there. We knew all the same people---nothing new. Now we're here and there are so many different interesting beautiful people...I don't think abotu being with other guys...but I wonder about his intentions...I don't think him moving out would work for either of us. I just don't think it would be right to live together out of necessity. I feel a lot better today about things though. I'm taking control of things and I'm not going to let him see how this jealousy is affecting me. That's all I can do...if he thinks that I desperately need him in my life he might think I'm weak and take advantage. I'm a strong person and no matter what happens I have many oppurtunities and I'm open to them. He will be losing something very special if he gives up....He hasn't been helping me out around here lately. I don't know what's gonna happen. I'm just gonna keep living MY life...and the rest I'll leave in God's hands.

yeah the old adage does hold true in certain situations...I have a bad habit of not letting things go. I think he likes the attention he gets from this cute girl. Even after I told him it bothered me that he talks to her and we had a blow up fight which started because of it...he still was standing there talking to her after class as if he wanted me to see it. Then was like, "I just don't think it's a big deal." Perhaps not, but if you only knew the turmoil I was thrown into because of his jealousy over things alot less personal and obvious as talking to the opposite sex. I don't get direct answers. I say something like "do you want to date her" and he will say.."yeah, yeah I want to date her." I just don't respond well to that. And I've told him. It's like he just stumbled upon this playing field and is overwhelmed, or it's possible that my perception is just out of whack. I don't know what to do with this. Part of me wants to just tell him to split with the most confidence I can muster so he can see how strong and serious I am. But the truth is I don't want him to go. I love him so much...It's very difficult and I know something needs to be done. I can't imagine living in this new town where I know no one and losing the love of my life. I just can't fathom what that will do to me. I won't deny that I have a low self esteem...I think I'll just continue to work out which makes me feel good...I'll get into sewing, which I've wanted to do for a while...I'll get a cat...anything...something...I don't want to give up on our relationship...but I've gotta be strong. I know I'm babbling here, it's late...I'm exhausted...I appreciate any thoughts much love, janet

Wow...I feel ya! I too have been battling the same sort of thing. I bounce around...one moment I've got the whole world in the palm of my hand the next I'm lying in a dark quiet room alone and locked away from the world. I can't really pin point exactly why I feel this way sometimes, but it tends to get in the way of my relationships. I too know the feeling of getting tongue twisted when dealing with new people (ie landlords, grocery clerks, etc,) I remember a girl who laughed a whole lot had a lot of motivation...dreamed and danced. Is it just getting older...or is it some sort of mental condition? I'm in love and I've been in love for 2 years now....I get so down though...I can't see why he would want to be around me. Awful fights that leave me confused about me and my wants and needs. Then there are those moments lying next to him feeling like he's the only thing good I have in my life. I'm sorry I can't offer any advice...i need it too. Just know that although your in Maine right now i'm in Illinois and I'm feeling ya....

Hey hey... This is my view of the story...and you told the story well... I think she probably is a really nice girl...and like you said too nice. You obviously have some quality that her ex was lacking, but then again there is that bond that 5 young years together creates. You experience alot in five years (don't know if you've had a realationship that long) Obviously you get super close to family and probably have many mutual friends. I'm sure she does love you but she probably still loves him. Not to say that the love is anything like the love she has for you. It's the bond that hasn't been broken. If she is entirely in love with you she would be able to tell him straight up that she has moved on in her love life and that he is no longer in the picture. True, he may be a stalker perhaps dangerous, if this is the case it is best to let her work things out and not get involved. When things are resolved we can only hope she will come back with a clear state of mind and her best intentions. But as of right now it sounds like a lot of unnecessary stress. Trust me I know the overwhelming feeling of love and also the anxiety that accompanies dealing with ex's of the long term variety. If your confident in her love for you and your love for her...it's best to just say..."hey I'm gonna step back and let you handle this...call me stop by...what have you...but don't get yourself in so deep that you find yourself in any physical battles or emotional ones...time will tell...you sound charming...good luck!

Hi there...first post ever on these boards. I guess I need a little advice here. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and have lived together for about a year and a half. We recently moved 6 hours from our home town to go to school. We rented a nice little house close to school and it is completely ours. We are not renting from his dad who lived in the apartment below us anymore. We have taken on a whole new set of responsibilites. The problem is although I love him very deeply and I know he loves me there are some trust issues. Before we moved he was very jealous. He always wanted to know where I was, would get jealous of the guys I worked with and any guy from my past. Now we are down here and go to a big school with lots of beautiful people and although he claims to finally "trust" me now--- I don't trust him. I've seen him talking to the same girl outside his classroom building twice and he's told me they've talked before. He says she's just a nice girl...but to me it's just a GIANT hippocracy. We have had our ups and downs since we've moved down here and this talking to some girl thing has only added to the problem. He keeps mentioning getting his own studio apartment close to campus. He says that will help our relationship. He says it will make us miss each other and we will enjoy each other's company more. I don't know. I'm 25 and he's 23 we aren't freshman in college or anything. We've had some experiences and I thought he chose to make this move with me to start a life together and to help each other succeed, but I'm starting to see this different side of him. I don't think it's fair for him to abandon his responsibility that he and I agreed on sharing, but then again maybe there is truth to his logic. I don't know what to do here. ANy help would be appreciated.. Much love Janet