vimora

good stuff Trish! And I'm sure glad you're being cautious the way you are. I turned down a few dates because I wasn't ready and even when I gave this new guy a chance I felt like I wasn't being fair to him since I was still hung up about the ex (you don't know how much time I spent going over the guilt I felt on this with my girlfriends) but finally I just straight up told him that I was still recovering and that I didn't want him to expect too much and that i needed things slow, real slow. I was basically trying to give him a way out as well by also saying that I think it wouldn't be fair to him and that I really wasn't ready. Luckily he said that I could back out but he was willing to go super duper slow if that's what it took for me to heal, but that he wanted to stick around. I just wanna share that I was in a pretty tormented state about the whole dating again thing, and if it weren't for encouragement and support from friends and family and the patience of my new guy, I would have definitely back out. And of course some good advice on this ol' forum as I did seek you guys out about the whole issue in October. And I hope I don't sound trite because my situation worked out, I really want this to be more encouraging for you than anything else 'cause I remember that uncertainty I experienced back in sept-oct- not fun, let me tell you! Vimora

Way to go Trish! I'm currently in a new relationship myself and although admittedly I was hesitant (make that very, very, hesitant) about jumping into dating or a new relationship, I am very glad that I did. 3 months after my break-up of 3-year relationship, I decided to give this guy a chance. I was lucky, he helped me heal, was very patient and now I have this most amazing boyfriend of 2+ months who is really giving me what I was missing in my former relationship. And it was only because he was doing this did I realize I was better off, did I realize that I had just been settling (spl?) for someone I thought was everything but who wasn't. Maybe you won't find someone right away like I did or you might have to go through a few people, but I'm glad you're letting yourself explore again, because it can happen again and you'll be so surprised, grateful and stronger when it does. Vimora (I didn't really read the whole thread so sorry to those who think I'm off topic- just adding my random thought)

Hey everyone! Who would've though that things were going to turn out like this. So I gave the new guy a chance and we've now been steady for 2 + months and things are beyond wonderful. I know, I know, the 3-month honeymoon phase is always wonderful but I'm so glad I gave this guy a chance, things have been great!! Vimora Btw, I do sometimes think about what my ex is doing but curiously enough, I'm not wondering how it would be if we were back together, or do I even want to get back together. In retrospect, the break-up was for the best. He sent me an e-mail over the holidays to wish me a happy new year but other than that I haven't contacted him at all. I thought we'd be able to try the friendship thing, but he never really was too enthusiastic about it. Anyhow, I'll really happy right now (even with all the school stress) and my father actually likes this one- thank god!

It all depends on the person I guess. I personnally (influenced by media, books and such) have always preferred the tall guy (surprise,surprise). My ex was 6'2" , he was also 250lbs and I love the fact that he was so big compared to me (5'4", 115 lbs). This new I'm dating now is around 5'7", 5'8"? which is a considerable difference from my ex, he's also very fit so there's just muscle when I touch him as opposed to the squishyness of my ex. I thought I could only go for big and tall guys after my ex but this new guy is proving me wrong, I'm enjoying not having to crane my neck or get on my tippytoes, it's nice. About short guys, I'm not sure I'd ever date anyone shorter than me. I'm sorry to say that it sounds really selfish and bad but I guess if he was extremely hilarious...I really don't know, guys! I've never been asked out by a short guy before. But personality is very important, that's how I started going out with this guy even though he wasn't the definition of "my type"- big and squishy.

I gotta agree with secondchance on this one. Most of my friends and I prefer the nice guy. Sure, if we're dancing in a club and get pursued by bad boys we enjoy it and it makes for good gossip the next day, but we know it won't last. They're just there for fun. Sure we like to check them out and say stupid cliché things like " I'd like to take him home with me" but again, all in good fun and nothing lasting. The guys we talk about as being ideal guys are nice guys, they're the ones that somehow worm themselves into your mind and stay there. They're charming and galant- open the doors, protect you from the rain, pay for meals (initially-then we gotta try to even things out). They're the ones that are comfortable talking with you and are honest about how they feel about you. There is a difference however between nice guys. Some can be assertive and decide on what we should do on a date- we girls like that, sometimes asking "what do you feel like doing?" back and forth is pretty annoying- you should ask that once and then be ready with a suggestion so you don't look indecisive and unsure. We like guys that are respectful to the elderly, your parents, nice to kids etc. we also like them sexy, handsome and charming. I've met these guys, they exist- they can take charge when it counts, they can make you melt but at the same time they are thoughtful and just plain old funny and nice. Disagree if you want but the majority of girls I know echo my sentiments more or less.

I didn't want to believe that we couldn't get back together too littlepea but my friends who have never said a mean word to me gave me the reality check I needed. They said, " it's over, he doesn't want you back. The door is closed and locked and the key has been tossed out to sea" among other things, it was harsh but reality kinda smacked me in the head and said to wake up and think about it. I kept telling myself that it was worth it to fight to get him back, love wasn't supposed to be easy. But I had to realize also that sometimes love wasn't enough, and that there comes a time when you have to let go. When you finally accept this, boy, the light seems to start shining again for some reason. Regret is there but other things, good things emerge too. I know everyone's said it, but focus on your healing now. Throw yourself into it. I know it's not much but I hope this helps a little.

Hi RaY, Ya, it's only been 2 and half months for me also. (been together ~3yrs) It's hard, believe me, but I realized this past week that I have to face reality. We're not getting back together, some people can but some cannot. I was pining away for my bf, but after some harsh reality checks with my friends I realized that it was time to move on. I had several good cries and then was able to look at the situation rationally- would it have really worked out in the long-term? As much as we love each other, I knew the answer was no. Even if we worked things out, we would've had other problems.My self-esteem had reached an all-time low and we were not happy. Our time apart has brought back my confidence 10-fold, I'm out having a good time and I've heard that he is too. At first I resented that, but now if I hear he's out (even with girls) I'm actually happy for him. I'm starting to see someone new right now, taking it slowly nothing serious for me please. BUT I am moving on, I'm not looking to climb aboard the relationship wagon. I know that my ex and I will probably end up good friends instead, we are very close, it was just that we weren't meant to be in a gf/bf relationship. When both sides except that and they trully believe that rekindling anything is usesless, better things can happen. If friendship is not possible you need to keep on doing what you're doing Ray, talking to people and keeping yourself busy. I didn't believe in this at first but now I can testify that life gets good again if you let it, and this, even in my short time on my own.

Thanks for the advice and encouragement. Yeah, it is a matter of taking it slow and working things out in my mind, I'm not in any rush believe me. You're making total sense, KungFuMaster. My priorty is school right now anyway, it is midterm season. So I gotta stay focused. Anyway, thanks for the feedback everyone. V.

Hi, Can anyone tell me about the rebound relationships or what that's all about or it's just some stereotype that people believe in? I was with my ex for almost three years and we broke up about two and a half months ago. Up until last week I was still pretty broken up about it, i even did something stupid and wrote him a letter. Anyway, he wrote back a letter where it was pretty much clear that he saw no future with me even though he still loved me so this guy that I met about three weeks ago asked me out last week. I had felt some sort of chemistry build up over these short weeks and I always looked forward to seeing him. We even had some group outings with friends. I accepted the date but then realized that I wasn't ready for it. (I know, i can't stand those girls either), I called my friends and had painful talks wherein this light bulb went off and I realized I had to stop pining for my ex. As the week rolled by and my date approached I felt like maybe I needed to cancel it, since it wouldn't be fair to this guy if I was unsure. We saw each other in the library the night before and apparently my girlfriend had talked to him about me being out of a relationship and how I was still messed up about it. He told me that I could get out of the date if I felt too pressured, that he knew about my ex and that he just wanted to get to know me better. I agreed to see him but to let things go really slow and casual. Well, my date was great! He's been on my mind for a couple of days, he's asked me out again and when I think about my ex I don't get that pang of pain, or even sadness. I'm just afraid this could be the affect of a rebound situation and not because I'm moving on or genuinely interested in this new guy. Besides it was only one date. Then again, this guy is really great and I had been asked out often these last weeks and he's the only one I even considered saying yes. see where it goes or doesn't go? He brought up the subject of my ex and seems to be understanding although maybe it's an act, as I don't know him very well. He's a friend of a close friend and she completely vouches for him though. Okay, that's enough over-analizing for now. What do you guys think?

I think that my heart is telling me to wait. Let me just add that when I met this guy I was interested, three weeks later after hanging out in groups with friends almost evert other day, I'm still interested and he has asked me out. I have debated over and over that it is unfair to go out with this guy if I'm still psychologically messed up about my ex. We've become good friends over the past couple of weeks. I want to tell him that I need more time before we take a new step but several people who have known him for years say he'll then probably avoid me. He's been able to make me laugh these last three weeks, I just feel that I could be hurting something good i.e, us just being friends. What do you think?

Thanks RayKay, I feel better. Someday I'll initiate a friendship with him, not now though. Many months later pershaps. I could see us being friends.

Listen to lady. I know I didn't let myself believe what everyone was saying, even people in this forum but I knew they were right. Time does do wonders, now that I've finally let myself let go, time is working. You are just going to have to wait, until then you won't really believe what I"m saying either even if like me I knew everyone made sense and was right. Also, don't do anything stupid like calling her or writing her, I did it with my ex-boyfriend, I'll always regret those stupid moves!

Oh my god! This is like my story. I was going to post in the healing form but I'll reply to your post first. So I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 3 years a little over two months ago now. I love him so much. I know it's over but I'm still pining away and think about him often. Logically, I know it's over, I know he's moved on or moving on but I needed to hang out to him somehow and still do. I want to try to work things out but at this point I don't think he's willing to do so. So anyway, after turning down some date offers from guys over the last couple of weeks, I finally said yes to someone yesterday. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am interested but felt guilty because of my ex. After talking to some friends and getting points of view on the girl and guy side they told me that guys would probably not like hearing that you're hung up about your ex. So I'm just going to approach this date casually and see what happens or what doesn't happen. I mean there is plenty of potential here, I just wish I had more time to be single first but with tons of encouragement (read: pushing) from my friends I'm finally starting to accept that I can't hold on and I've got to stop pining and that maybe it's okay to see other people on a casual basis. I know I'm not looking for a relationship now but I think now after certain comments from a guy friend that I have to stop looking back and start looking forwards. I know it sounds lame, but the comments from my friends (some of if pretty harsh and made me cry) has finally drilled it into my head that it's over and to MOVE ON, pining does nothing. Continue to love him but don't wait for him. It's over.

Thank you so much. Sitting at my computer and it's 4 in the morning thinking I'm really being pathetic. I read your post and now I'm going to bed to face a new day tomorrow. I've been doing the exercise thing, the going out with friends, spending time with the family, busy with the start of a new semester at University and still i think about him everyday and often. After reading your post the things I've been telling myself but never really listened to now have significance when seeing them written down. Still a long road to go but I've just deleted his MSN messenger off and got rid of any visible signs of him still lingering around (photos, books etc). Good night, it's sinking in...

Not sure but this could help with your sleeping. I've been suffering from insomnia for the past year or so and only during the last week and half I've been trying something that has helped. I used to spend my night mulling over things and thinking too much, more recently thinking about my ex (it's only been a little over a month since the break-up) but i finally decided to try some advice I got from someone a long time ago. When I go to bed, sometimes right before I go to bed, but mostly while I lie in bed thinking too much I force myself to get up (this is key, even if you feel sleepy or tired, get up) and go write down all my thoughts and things that I can't seem to get out of my head. I don't keep a diary and this isn't actually one, I don't think. I just jot down the thoughts as they come, in note form or complete sentences, sometimes I write the emotion I'm feeling etc. It's sorta like putting your thoughts away for the night so you can focus on sleeping. I suffered pretty badly from lack of sleep but so far this seems to be the best method (trust me, I've tried many) to get some rest. Hope this helps!

Hi, Broke up with my ex a month ago, NC going on for about a little over two weeks now. Like you Rich, I was really starting to lose my self-esteem and confidence in the last weeks/months of our relationship also. I also felt him getting more and more distant and it made me more and more doubtful of myself. He's the more social one out of the two of us, he has lots of friends and now that we're broken up I can't help but keep thinking how easier for him it is to move on 'cause he can easily fill the void I left with his many friends. He very good at charming people and i know he probably will have no trouble meeting new people. I too started feeling like it was a chore for him to be with me or that I was cramping his style. Now that we're not together anymore I'm slowly, it seems, regaining some self-confidence and this is just recently. I just started a new university so I'm talking to new people and making good connections so far. My friends ( not that I have many) have been very supportive. I didn't really spend too much time with them when I was with my ex but now post-break-up we all hangout together more and they are picking up the emptiness he left behind. For this, I'll also be forever grateful to them. I'm even wearing clothes that I'd never have worn before with the lower levels of self-esteem I had, but just telling myself not to hide anymore is helping me feel better about myself. (plus, in looking good and feeling confident I can tell myself that he is missing out on something special) Slowly, one day at a time. I hope it gets less painful sooner rather then later though, it's still pretty fresh. I still want to be back together, but it helps to think about why we broke up- puts things into perspective. Hope everyone else here pulls through too, this is lame to say - like a l'Oréal commercial- but we are all worth it.

Hey Kung Fu, Remember me from the thread on the 23 year old asian guy treated like a 13 year old by his parents? Anyway, you know what? I've broken up with my boyfriend of almost 3 years, yes it has just happened recently. I'm at that anger and resentment stage now, the crying and extreme pain part is sorta passed. My b-day is on saturday I had been his girlfriend during my 21st and 22nd b-day and now for 23 I won't see him. I feel sad about it, but your post has given me some hope and I really hope to be able to look back at the pictures and think back at the memories and remember fondly and with less sadness and no more anger. Anyway, thx.

These posts are helping me as well, thx. I've broken up with my bf for a month now and just yesterday and today started feeling angry towards him. Thinking: he's given the best thing both he and I ever had! Hating him for being in my thoughts all the time, hating him for making me feel pangs of pain whenever I remember certains good things about us. Been trying to think of all the things that I can come with as reasons why getting back together would be a bad idea yet also wanting so bad for us to be together again. But...I guess this is all part of the normal process huh? Didn't someone write about the phases of mourning a break up : something like pain then anger then some other steps until acceptance. Anyway, the anger is also kinda helping me cope, I'm using it for now for when I hear the phone ring and it isn't him on the other line or check my Inbox and there's no e-mail from him, instead of getting sad now, I get angry. Of course I'll eventually move on to other emotions but for now, this helps. And I know it will pass. My friends are taking me out for my b-day tomorrow (though my b-day is sat), I'm going to have a good time and try not to think of him for the entire night! Anyway, just needed to vent. Thx.

Hi Joe, it's me again. If you don't recognize me I'm the one who justed posted in your other topic "treated like a 13 year old) Anyway, my dad is the same my, my family has a big thing about being your own boss so you must become a doctor or dentist (surprise, surprise-we're Asian) so I didn't do well enough in school to get into medecine so I thought I'd start out doing a science degree in University and work my way up. My dad is a reseacher in Neurobiology or something like that and said if I didn't get into med school with the science I'd hate being in research, so he told me to go into nursing and stupid me, I listened to him. So now at 23 I have a bachelors in nursing from the Université de Montréal (plus I had to do the whole degree in french ARGH! -torture). I do not want to be a nurse. I'm now reenrolled in school for a second bachelors this time at Concordia University in english and doing what I want- I never consulted my dad and have made it pretty clear that he's the brunt of my unhappiness with the nursing (and dating-see other post) thing. So he's now left my alone in my career decision. In the end, it pretty much comes down to doing what you want, isn't it? I mean, 20 years from now you don't want to look back and regret it. I know it's tough and will take courage to disobey or displease your parents, but it the end you're the one who'll have to live with the decisions. Anway, again hope I helped a bit.

Hi, Well, I'm of Asian descent too though born here. My parents have always been the most overbearing and overprotective parents our of all my friends and I resented them for it. I'm 22 now and though they are still overprotective it's better now. When I 12 was in high school they used to call the police if I wasn't home by 6PM. But every year I would purposely stay later and laterm even with the lectures and the yelling I'd continue. Now I can come home at 3 or 4 in the morning without any comments, though I only do it every so often as I know they don't like it and I'd still like to keep some of the peace. It also helped that when I was 16 I decided to go and get a job every summer and did so up until now, the financial freedom, not having to approach your parents for going out money is something priceless. I also acted responsibly at home, did my chores took care of my siblings (who are now 12 and 13 and enjoy so much more freedom than I ever did- but I'm happy because I'm the one pushing my parents to let them go out), I did my homework, brought home the grades, and manage money and other resposibilties on my own, am pretty much a good girl and known as the dependable one amongst the relatives so that in the end letting me go party or out often was a good compromise. My dad is the biggest problem, I don't think he even knows I'm dating. My entire family grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles knows I have a persian boyfriend (of almost three years) and I thought he knew but apparently he's in denial or something. My mom approves of the relationship so that's cool. I don't discuss it with dad since he'd probably disown me. Anyway, he's the strict one, but since I've forced his hand on the going out and letting me have more freedom he's stepped back some. Although, I think both my parents would blanch at me going on a trip somewhere without them even for one night if it's not for school. Let's just say, we're still working on that . Now on the other hand, my brother who justed turned 22 in July, I'll be 23 in Sept. does not go out, does not work (all $$ from parents and relatives) is complaining about difficulty in the dating department. Mostly that it's too expensive to have a girlfriend. So if you don't have one, it's time to get yourself a job maybe. Part-time of course, you know we Asian families put school first. Anyway, good luck with this, hope this helps some.

Yeah, that poem pretty much sums my feelings also.

Logically in my mind, I know that I will get over this. But for now I'm still not over it. I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 3 years one week ago. Boy, those first two days were horrible, it took all my energy to put on a normal face at work. The tears would well up in my eyes and I'd have to leave the room to go compose myself but I couldn't let my patients (I'm a delivery room nursing student) see me that way, I'd put on a happy face and go back in as if there wasn't anything wrong. But I found that with each passing day, the fact that I had to concentrate on my work helped the day go by faster. Now, a week later, I just feel confusion. Do I want him back or do I want the comfort of having a boyfriend? Is it him I'm missing or do I miss that special connection that you have with someone intimate? How can someone just forget 3 years?*sigh* It's really hard. I just want to call him up and have back what we used to have. Reading the posts here, hearing people say it took some of them months to get over this is depressing to hear! Months!! I don't want to be feeling this hurt for another couple of months! I've been trying to pep talk myself saying it'll pass, that it was for the best, that soon I'll get over the grief. Interspersed with these talks are the feelings of longing, of wanting to call him, of asking him if we could make an effort to make it work. Wondering if he feels the same way. God, I hate being suspended in limbo this way. Still, it's nice to know that there are many out there living this hurt and many others who came through it. Just wanted to vent, thanks.