Spee

Giddy-up and go on, girl!!! If he really wants to be with you, he will run after you -- nothing will stop him. If he doesn't want to be with you, he won't. I'm speaking with more life experiences. I'm in my 40's. I've known many, many people in your situation. I've seen what happens years down the road -- you are at the beginning of your journey. There are not many things worse than a bad marriage. And it's very hard to get out of one later on. I don't mean just legally, there are many other issues in a marriage which make it hard to leave. Children. Family. History. Finances, etc. It may be a very corny, very old fashioned adage, but it still is very true: "A man won't buy the cow if he can get free milk". God bless.

Dear Toggle, I'm so terribly sorry you feel so depressed. I don't think there's a person in the world who hasn't felt like killing himself sooner or later. Here's my advise: The depression to which you refer could be a chemical imbalance in your system, made more severe by hormones. So, it may not be 'you' but an illness. If you had a cold would you blame yourself for it? Of course not. You'd get some medicine and some rest. I hope you will seriously consider getting to a doctor. Don't worry about your parents. Just go. Get a good psychiatrist (MD) and tell her all about it. Check out this site: link removed In our prayers, Spee [/url]

I'm glad things worked out for you. Keep us posted. Oh,and do we all get invited to the wedding? ;-)

Oh course it is appropriate to say that woman are also abusive. If you will look at the top of the post, you will see that it is a quote from a book intitled "Perfect Daughters". The book is written for women. I'm sure there are other sources written for men -- however, not enough. I saw these lists online and thought they would be helpful to all. If you have a good webiste or source directed toward men, please refer us to that so that we can all be helped.

Relationships What is a Healthy Relationship?? So many of us ask ourselves that question... So often we are told that what we want and need is "too much." Below is an excerpt from "PERFECT DAUGHTERS" by Robert J. Ackerman, Ph.D. * You feel you are respected as a person. * Your physical and emotional needs are met. * You like the other person and you feel liked by them. * You are appreciated and not taken for granted. * You are not afraid to be yourself. * You can communicate effectively with your partner. * You can affirm and support one another. * Trust, trust, trust is everywhere. * There is a sense of humor and play. * Responsibilities are shared. * Your privacy is respected. * You are not constantly fighting for control. * You or your partner admit and seek help for your problems. * You want to spend time together. * Love is a verb, not a noun. * You are growing and the relationship is growing. * You feel good about yourself. Are you in a controlling relationship? also from "Perfect Daughters"... 1. When there's a problem in the relationship, he blames you. 2. He sometimes drinks too much and becomes physically or verbally abusive. 3. You know or suspect that he has been involved with other women. 4. He is late or stands you up for appointments or dates. 5. He forbids or criticizes your outside activities or hobbies. 6. He embarrasses you in front of other people. 7. He gets angry when you disagree with him. 8. He accuses you of flirting with other men when you are not. 9. He follows you to check on you. 10. He is critical of the way you look or dress. 11. He insists on driving the car when you go out. 12. He has hit you. 13. He does or says things you never thought you would tolerate. 14. He stops talking to you or withdraws his affection when he wants to win an argument or make a point. 15. He says he needs his "freedom" or "space." 16. He has pushed you or twisted your arm or used some other physical act to make you bend to his will. 17. He doesn't allow you to have a checking account and gives you an allowance to pay the bills. 18. He uses sex to quiet your relationship doubts. 19. He is not interested in your day. 20. He gives you extra money or buys you presents when you have been "good." 21. He calls you a nag or accuses you of stirring up trouble if you want to talk about the problems in the relationship. 22. He never calls you by your real name - he uses a demeaning or derogatory nickname. 23. He doesn't phone when he is going to be late. 24. He wants you around when he is there. 25. He has been arrested at least once. 26. He feels uncomfortable or gets angry with you when you get attention (because of some aspect of your work or special accomplishment). 27. He puts down your accomplishments. 28. He trivializes or makes fun of your feelings. 29. He often says you're too critical. 30. He flirts with other women in front of you. 31. He makes you feel sorry for him. 32. He frightens you with threats. 33. He finds fault with your friends and the people you are close to. According to Karen Blaker if you answered yes to 20 or more you are in a relationship with a VERY controlling male; yes to 12 or more - quite controlling; five or more somewhat controlling.. YOUR PERSONAL BILL of RIGHTS from "Men Who Hate Women & The Women Who Love Them" by Dr. Susan Forward & Joan Torres: 1. You have the right to be treated with respect. 2. You have the right not to take responsibility for anyone else's problems or bad behavior. 3. You have the right to get angry. 4. You have the right to say NO. 5. You have the right to make mistakes. 6. You have the right to have your own feelings, opinions and convictions. 7. You have the right to change your mind or to decide on a different course of action. 8. You have the right to negotiate for change. 9. You have the right to ask for emotional support or help. 10. You have the right to protest unfair treatment or criticism.

Relationships What is a Healthy Relationship?? So many of us ask ourselves that question... So often we are told that what we want and need is "too much." Below is an excerpt from "PERFECT DAUGHTERS" by Robert J. Ackerman, Ph.D. * You feel you are respected as a person. * Your physical and emotional needs are met. * You like the other person and you feel liked by them. * You are appreciated and not taken for granted. * You are not afraid to be yourself. * You can communicate effectively with your partner. * You can affirm and support one another. * Trust, trust, trust is everywhere. * There is a sense of humor and play. * Responsibilities are shared. * Your privacy is respected. * You are not constantly fighting for control. * You or your partner admit and seek help for your problems. * You want to spend time together. * Love is a verb, not a noun. * You are growing and the relationship is growing. * You feel good about yourself. Are you in a controlling relationship? also from "Perfect Daughters"... 1. When there's a problem in the relationship, he blames you. 2. He sometimes drinks too much and becomes physically or verbally abusive. 3. You know or suspect that he has been involved with other women. 4. He is late or stands you up for appointments or dates. 5. He forbids or criticizes your outside activities or hobbies. 6. He embarrasses you in front of other people. 7. He gets angry when you disagree with him. 8. He accuses you of flirting with other men when you are not. 9. He follows you to check on you. 10. He is critical of the way you look or dress. 11. He insists on driving the car when you go out. 12. He has hit you. 13. He does or says things you never thought you would tolerate. 14. He stops talking to you or withdraws his affection when he wants to win an argument or make a point. 15. He says he needs his "freedom" or "space." 16. He has pushed you or twisted your arm or used some other physical act to make you bend to his will. 17. He doesn't allow you to have a checking account and gives you an allowance to pay the bills. 18. He uses sex to quiet your relationship doubts. 19. He is not interested in your day. 20. He gives you extra money or buys you presents when you have been "good." 21. He calls you a nag or accuses you of stirring up trouble if you want to talk about the problems in the relationship. 22. He never calls you by your real name - he uses a demeaning or derogatory nickname. 23. He doesn't phone when he is going to be late. 24. He wants you around when he is there. 25. He has been arrested at least once. 26. He feels uncomfortable or gets angry with you when you get attention (because of some aspect of your work or special accomplishment). 27. He puts down your accomplishments. 28. He trivializes or makes fun of your feelings. 29. He often says you're too critical. 30. He flirts with other women in front of you. 31. He makes you feel sorry for him. 32. He frightens you with threats. 33. He finds fault with your friends and the people you are close to. According to Karen Blaker if you answered yes to 20 or more you are in a relationship with a VERY controlling male; yes to 12 or more - quite controlling; five or more somewhat controlling.. YOUR PERSONAL BILL of RIGHTS from "Men Who Hate Women & The Women Who Love Them" by Dr. Susan Forward & Joan Torres: 1. You have the right to be treated with respect. 2. You have the right not to take responsibility for anyone else's problems or bad behavior. 3. You have the right to get angry. 4. You have the right to say NO. 5. You have the right to make mistakes. 6. You have the right to have your own feelings, opinions and convictions. 7. You have the right to change your mind or to decide on a different course of action. 8. You have the right to negotiate for change. 9. You have the right to ask for emotional support or help. 10. You have the right to protest unfair treatment or criticism.

Absolutely you are being verbally and emotionally abused. No doubt. There is a book I would recommend, The Verbal Abuse Handbook. It gives all the details. Also, I've included a link and some other info. I hope it helps. Abusers tend to be very manipulative and so it's hard to see the abuse coming. However, the sooner you get out the better. The abuse only escalates. Verbal abuse ALWAYS precedes physical abuse. One more word about abuse. I know it's common, but profanity and course language are also symptoms of abuse. These kind of words devalue human nature. I'm sure what you meant to say was that your boyfriend got angry -- not "p*ssed." If we are to face up to the reality of abuse, we must state the emotions honestly. He got angry. He did not urinate. I know it might seem like nothing nowadays, but we must all work together to prevent verbal abuse -- from others or ourselves. Good luck and GET OUT!!! link removed

Well, if you think you are God, yep, that's cocky. If you don't learn to be humble now, there will be a hard lesson in the future. It's good that you ask this question here. I'm glad you are open to feedback. And yes, ladies find it very annoying. It makes a man look insecure. To tell you the absolute truth, women are very likely to gossip about a cocky man in order to warn other ladies. They are likely to laugh about him behind his back.

As I thought about it, I'm afraid my response was unnecessarily harsh. I'm terribly sorry if it sounded so to you. What I meant to say was "This is not the end of the world. If her parents got that upset, it must have been a really GREAT kiss!!!! Find the humor in the situation and look forward to much love in the future." P.S. If you want to show her parents you respect their boundaries, then respect the fact that their daughter is grounded. That means no more sneaky phone calls!

Dear Father of 2, My heart really goes out to you. I don't know her side of the story -- for all I know she could have very good reasons for her behavior. However, women can abuse men just as well as men can abuse women. When women abuse men, they tend to be much more covert. Here's a little bit of advise if it helps. In my experience, a counselor does not have enough training to deal with tough issues. A psychiatrist (MD) knows how to see things from a physical stand point, but as far as counseling goes, they may not have had training in that area. A psychologist (Ph.D.) usually has the training necessary for in-depth analysis. Even if your wife won't go, you can certainly go by yourself. A good psychologist can give suggestions for how to respond effectively to your wife and may very well know a lot about divorce procedures. Psychologists often work with divorcing people afterall. Beyond that, all I can say is that my heart really feels for you. There are a lot of people in your same situation. God bless.

That's not a matter of being too nice. That's a matter of not being affectionate. They are two entirely separate characteristics. There is no such thing as being too nice. Part of being nice might be to show the one you love some affection. That would be nice wouldn't it? Here's my suggestion: Get the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. The book makes a very good point. Everybody expresses love differently. You might need affection to feel loved. She might think the greatest demonstration of love would be a compliment. The key is to know each other's 'love language.' So read the book together. Read a chapter alone then answer the questions in the back of the book. Come together to see how you answered the questions. Approach this study with an open mind. Don't try to force her to love you the way you want to be loved. Rather, seek to find out how you can best express your love for her. When she sees you trying to show love the way she wants to be loved, she may follow your lead. One more thing. Ladies can be hesitant to show affection for fear of 'leading a man on.' Make sure you don't come on too strong. Good luck!

"but in good strong relationships, such as your daughters and mine, things usually go to this level in the relationship." Do you really think this will be a revelation to her parents? Do you think they were never 14 and kissed? As an adult, I can tell you what they will think of your letter. They will think it is "just precious." They will probably have a good laugh over it -- because they probably did the same thing when they were your age. (They won't be laughing at you -- but at themselves.) If you REALLY want to gain their trust, apologize, stop blaming them and just accept that is the way it is. One day you will have a 14 year old daughter with a boyfriend who kisses her in the game room and calls you "unbelievably strict." Then you will understand -- and laugh at his letter. The mature thing would be to accept and honor their wishes -- and get over it. I wish you all the best. Good luck!

"Just like soo many women are overly materialistic to the point they'll sacrifice looks for money. If my ugly butt was a millionaire some of the same girls who never looked my way would progbably fall head over heels just to be seen with me. Ashame aint it?" Dear Wolf Pack, It sounds like you have been deeply wounded. But step back and take a look at the situation. Maybe you were just looking in the wrong places for ladies. Maybe judging women as being materialistic sets up a smoke screen to block out all women. Believe me, woman are much more attracted to good old fashioned manners than to money. So take a step back, analyze what types of women you've been attracted to and what kind you want. If you want a gal with certain characteristics, you must have those same characteristics yourself. For instance, if a man wants a gal who is good-looking, a man must pay attention to his own grooming. Now, list your good qualities and ask yourself, "Where can I find a woman with these same characteristics?" If you are a good conversationalist, where would women who are good conversationalist hang out? Maybe a Toastmasters club? You get the picture. If you want a woman who is not going to make broad, sweeping generalizations about you, what gift will you give her in return for her open-mindedness? I suggest you be equally open-minded. An open mind leads to an open heart. Good luck! Spee

What I want to know is – have YOU gone to therapy? With or without her? Go to a PhD. A counselor doesn't have enough training and a MD focuses on medication. Go even without her. I agree that if you can save your marriage, that would be the best. If she has grown cold and distant, it very well could be a cry for help. Do you really, REALLY listen to her hurts? Or do you just blow it off and a 'girl thing'? When she does talk about her hurts do you get defensive or take it in? Forget this 'giving her space' business. Reach out to her. I'm not as concerned about her losing 40 pounds, rather I'm concerned about why she put them on in the first place. Often women put on weight out of stress. It sounds like you haven't given your relationship top priority. Take a look at yourself and where you may have missed the mark. It seems to me she is in a lot of pain.

Yes, every woman is different as is every man. But if there are three things that most women look for it's etiquette, etiquette, and etiquette. It might sound silly and old-fashioned, but it works. Look at it this way; so many men are RUDE. If you are the one who is polite, you've got a distinct advantage over the rest of them! Here's a shocker. Guess which newscaster is known for being a ladies' man... Larry King! CNN's little gargoyle! Why? Because he is such a gentleman! Can you believe it? I have a 95 year-old relative. Wherever he goes he is surrounded by women. Now, I'm not talk about 85 year-old widows. We're talking 25 and 30 year-olds! They are CRAZY for him. Why? Because he is a gentleman! It's amazing. But don't just do what you think is good manners. Read a book on it. Seriously. Peter Post has one that is written just for men. Nothing wussy about it. It's man-to-man talk. Good manners don't cost a thing, but without them they could cost you everything.