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Maybe the kinder narrative of I am giving my partner space is not sticking because I know he can’t or has chosen not to do me the kindness of saying he Needs space. I got a moment in between jobs and tried to do batyas breathing exercises to quell that gnawing sadness. It was like trying to hold back an avalanche with your fingers. (I mean, this is still a perfect opportunity to practice getting a handle on my emotions but I feel so ***ing sad about all of it. My brain hasn’t even dared venture to the prospect of having to try all over again to find someone new. That’ll be so far in the future as to be incomprehensible to me right now. I thought I had found someone so much more able to be kind this time and I was wrong. I thought he could support me. I think he thought so too. He learned what an anxious attachment style was and said he would show up for me and show up for me and keep showing up for me. We were both wrong). We had been quarreling about a lack of time before they arrived. He started a very demanding job. I went into isolation because my housemate got covid and got upset when my isolation period ended but still he wouldn’t come near me, just visit from the kerb. There have been at least 2 times we were meant to see each other and he ran very late because he saw his friends first. The last time he was due to leave for interstate the next day and wanted to cook all the food in his fridge. He offered the meal to his old housemates. That took a long time. He ran really late and I was really sad about it. I don’t know if he would have invited me otherwise but he was still treating me as infectious at that point. I’m starting to wonder if the relatively even keel I feel like I’ve been on since he and I connected, has been entirely dependent on that connection with him. Like, I thought I had healed from past hurts and was doing ok but is it more like he was providing an anaesthetic? How am I 35 years into living and still this emotionally broken? I have the mental health care plan (piece of paper you need from the doctor to get subsidied mental health care). I tried calling the psych a few months ago and she didn’t pick up. Just tried again then and got an answering machine. Left a message. If they don’t get back to me I return to the doc and ask for a new referral. Yeah, I guess even if I came a long way, I’m still not there. Which is disheartening. I thought I’d done the work. But the way this guy communicates (sparsely) clearly brings out the insecurity in me. And what is that insecurity if not (still ***ing) low self esteem. God, still, I’ve been carrying this bit of baggage my whole life. (Back to journaling is very good advice. Somewhere I can word vomit and no one has to read it, not even me. Because I’m burning that ***er when it’s done, my journals have never contained anything good to revisit).

Trying to change my whole way of thinking about things. Be more optimistic, take the silence less personally, the failing connection also, be more in control of my emotions by being more careful about what stories I tell myself (like right now, my partner needs space and I’m giving it to him, is a different story to it’s over and I’ve been left in limbo again). Regardless of the outcome of this relationship I don’t want to be this person anymore. The one that fears abandonment and fears intimacy and let’s those fears sabotage her relationships. (Or, maybe, they all needed to end but my fear also stops me walking away). I’ve been trying to keep my mind occupied with dreaming and scheming what I can do with all this space (maybe forever space from this guy). There are things, there’s plenty to do. The only person’s actions I can control are my own so it’s time to do that and leave him alone and do things that’ll nudge my life along in a direction I want it to go. I guess that does help a bit but there is still this gnawing pit of fear in my stomach. How do I get rid of that?

Oooh, I wish I had a horde. Nah, the overwhelming collection of objects that takes up so much space in the house people no longer fit in.

Making the choice to leave it alone and then committing to that feels a little bit like tackling my hoard. Before I did it it felt like the most terrifying and impossible thing to do. Then after letting go of some things, the sun still rises, life still happens, I feel, ok, I think.

I think you’re on the money Batya. There’s another thing. When something is troubling him he chooses to push it out of his mind rather than tackle it. That practice might have allowed us to reconcile for a while but the problem is not fixed. How can you possibly have a solid relationship with someone who does that?

If he’s checked out, and then comes and tries to check back in again, how do I discern if he’s really in or just afraid of being abandoned? What would turning towards each other look like in this situation? (Because I think you’re all correct, relationship as it is now has failed. He asks why am I ruining it why can’t we just be happy?! Because for me it is already miserable making to have my partner dial down the contact this low when he’s busy and overwhelmed. )

*appreciates the pic* He did introduce me to his parents and sister in that first week when all three were in our city. This is a big deal to him, I want to marry this woman kind of big deal. While they were here we were very low contact. The parents went back and the sister stayed longer. Which means him choosing to be in a situation in which I either cannot or he doesn’t want to include me in it. It’s a tough situation because he’s really close to his family and he left them to give us a chance and I imagine he feels like he absolutely has to make the most of them while they’re here. Just it’s left me feeling abandoned. There’s so many small things he could do that would alleviate that feeling. Short daily phone calls, inviting me out for coffee with him and his sister. Inviting me for their weekend day trips even if I can’t come because of work. And he has attempted that a little bit. But it’s inconsistent. He keeps saying ‘we were going really well, you met my family. Why is this all going bad?’ Because I feel like you put being in a relationship with me on pause. Unilateral decision. Not made as partners!

I think one of two things. Either he means exactly what he said, that he feels like I’m prioritising working on the weekend like a weirdo over making time for us, or he’s trying to make me feel how he has felt when other people (possibly myself included although I’ve never said anything about valuing money more than the relationship, that might be a hang up from something earlier). Do you mean the original incompatibilities around what we want to do in life and how soon? You might be right. I did think the other shoe had to drop when he pushed all of that to the side so we could reconcile.

TLDR: I feel like my partner is pulling away and my untamped anxiety about that is pushing him away, help me short circuit the negative feedback loop of him pulling away and me chasing. My relationship has deteriorated into a terrible push pull dynamic where I am the one begging for some time together and to be included in his life (his family came to visit and 7 days turned into almost a month of no to low contact and 7 days in I was an abandoned feeling wreck and we have been argueing about it ever since and even with all the pressures on him at the moment with hosting and working a very demanding job he has tried to lift his game but it’s like a drop of water in a desert. The situation that made me feel abandoned persists without relenting. The other night I thought we’d get 15 minutes together while he dropped me home after borrowing his car but he invited his housemate to come with us because said housemate wanted coffee from the servo. I lost it. I was so tired and so sad and so disappointed and so overwhelmed with bad/sad feeling. He wanted me to keep my composure in front of his friend but I could not. I found myself driving us three to my place trapped in a situation that felt absolutely awful and I expressed that badly and he felt disrespected. He did message good morning the next day and I messaged profuse apologies and a commitment to seek the tools that would help me keep my cool in that situation better. No reply. Today I got most of my shift covered so my free time could line up with his (because when we argued he said he’s trying to make time and include me but I work when he’s free and I care about money more than him). He’s read the message asking what he would say if I told him I got most of today free? And he’s not replied to that either. Either he read it and went back to sleep, or was immediately engaged in social interaction with his sister and his housemates, or some other activity that he had already planned to do, or he read it but he’s a burnt out introvert and he just needs time for quiet contemplation, any which way, he hasn’t replied because he won’t reply until he has time and this isn’t a reflection of his affection for me it’s just how he is. Or he read it and his feelings are really cooling under the struggle of the last two weeks. Either way, me following this text with a phone call is not going to make anything better. It will surely make things worse. We’ve been fighting and I’ve been doing small things to try and make it up. I filled his tank with fuel, I cut him a new key, I burned 4 CDs and left them in his car, all music he likes. But what if the kindest gift I could possibly give him is space and grace to get through the last few days of having family here and the lack of sleep and the overwhelming job. So I want to give that gift but my anxiety about the connection failing is off the charts. Give me a pep talk about giving him space? How it’s either going to save the relationship from being smothered or allow it to end with dignity. Stories about times you got stuck doing 100% push while your partner did 100% pull away. How did you short circuit this most hellish of dynamics? Tell me when you managed to and your relationship survived. Tell me when you managed to and the relationship ended because it was already damaged beyond repair but you kept your living your life and better things happened and a better partner was found. (For anyone wondering, yep, same guy from my previous posts. We went no contact, he was so sad about that he reconsidered his having kids timeline and reached out and we reconciled. It was going pretty good. Until there were too many demands on his time and his plate filled up and I felt like I was the expendable thing that was dropped. Not very serious for someone you’ve asked to move in witb and start a family with. )

I’d guess the op is a man. You’d think that either partner could not desire sex in the moment but in my experience the amount of cultural baggage surrounding the sexual rejection of a woman by a man is astronomical. Dear op, you are absolutely within your rights to change your yes to a no at any time and have that respected. But giving your partner a misleading reason as to why is an absolute *** move on top of months of withholding sex but still not explaining what the actual problem is. No wonder she (they) got upset! If you love this person and want to be kind to them and want to give the relationship a chance to survive you have to tell them what you told us. Once they know if they can’t or won’t change the behaviour that hurts you this might not be the relationship for you but until you communicate your struggle, I think you’re the one being an ass.

Australian here (where you have to jump through many hoops to own a gun and not many people do) can confirm, when gun access is restricted, incidences of mass shooting go waaaaaaaay down.

Personally I’m intensely glad we don’t live in bible times. Having autonomy is awesome! You invested some time, that’s step one, showing an interest. Did you look for reciprocity? That’s step two. It’s a really important step. If you don’t get reciprocity it’s time to move on.

Jedi hugs. It sounds like you got to share your life with a pretty special being, I’m glad you found each other and sorry for your loss.

Is the relationship you have with Gemma the kind of relationship you want your kids to have? You’re teaching them that this is the way to do it.

There’s a valuable lesson here; don’t get carried away with a one sided relationship. Next time you’re interested in someone. Tell them. And if they give you anything other than an enthusiastic yes, understand that that is a no. People will make time to see you if they want to be in your company. And a woman who doesn’t make time to be with you definitely isn’t your the one.

I wish I could give you bullet proof armour against these arseholes. Mindfullness/meditation and having a robust life outside of work might help armour a bit but ultimately, if you’re in a hostile environment it’s gonna be like a death by a thousand cuts. A friend of mine lost his father to suicide a few years ago. The dad had suffered relentless bullying at work for over a decade. He knew it was a reflection of them and not him, he had a loving family at home. But still one day he killed himself rather than see out another work day (why quitting didn’t feel like an option I’ll never know but my heart broke hearing this story). Henry Rollins says if he took the time to bleed from all the arrows coming his way he wouldn’t be here, wouldn’t be here https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=js6Nf4uQFmk

He’s the problem. He’s the reason this is bad. The evidence is in, you’re not his wife, you’re his punching bag. (Even if he offered to reconceive of you as a human with a right to a sense of safety, do not forgive him, his conduct is unforgivable. He can learn or fail to learn to be a better human somewhere else!) Being single is a million billion times better than being with someone who thinks killing you is a reasonable or viable way of dealing with their own emotional distress. DTMFA

Break up, he’s a selfish and cruel lover. Or stay and die a mental death from a thousand paper cuts. (Like, even if he’s awesome in many, many ways, you two are sexually incompatible).

Co signing that even a depressed autist on dsp could attract a woman with his passions (aka my ex who won me over with his taste in music and passion for playing and sound engineering). I thought that guy was the one and stayed with him for 6 years (before the unaddressed depression drove us apart). What do you love? What are you passionate about? Could you join a social group that meets up about something you love? Rather than focussing on the end goal of finding a partner, could you take on a new challenge of meeting and talking to new people? Preferably at the social groups that meet up over something you love).

I guess the other question prior to ending it, was she a high priority in yours? If yes, what does your gut say?

Add me to the list of contributors who much much prefers her men slender and effeminate (long hair big big plus). This other thing has happened with everyone I’ve dated in the last 15 years, it wasn’t how they looked that attracted me. Most often they were passionate about something I’m passionate. With the current guy there’s not even that, but his energy in space, I’m down for that. And actually, he is more typically masculine, and I spent a long time working on getting past the obstacle of not really being attracted to his physique. What do you and your current interest have in common? What can you bond over? What does it feel like when you’re face to face? Does she flirt with you? Do you flirt with her? And will you get a mental health care professional on your team right now to work on your insecurity and cognitive distortions? Two reasons, one, confidence is more sexy than any kind of body. And two, as long as you don’t like, love or respect yourself, in the end you will not like, love or respect anyone who thinks more highly of you than you do. Which means every woman that is ever organically, genuinely attracted to you is going to inevitably repulse you.

After that one time did she change her behaviour because she didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable? 8 months in did you feel like you were a high priority in her life? I think the most recent interactions you’ve had are what you should base your decision off of. But if you conclude she has integrity and you’re her favourite person in the whole world and you both still want to be together, you still may need some professional help grappling with not being able to let go of actions that left you feeling insecure early on. (Obviously if she still does thing that leave you feeling insecure you two might not be a good match for each other.)

I couldn’t say about the new guy. Maybe not, because it’s not an easy certain yes for you. (Which means your lukewarm about him, you should leave him single for someone who thinks 110% yes you’re the man for me!) But as an outside observer, I’d be really hesitant about going back to the ex. He might now be in the process of changing his ways but will he really have done well enough that you feel supported by him going forward? Where in the world would you want to go if neither of them were in the picture?

Head over to ask a manager and get stuck into the archives. She has oodles of advice about resume/cover letter writing and interview questions. https://www.askamanager.org That dissatisfaction is more fuel on the fire to propel you into a new job (and jobs like partners and friends and mental healthcare workers, you just have to keep looking until you find the one that’s a good fit).

Definitely definitely definitely request a refund. The order wasn’t delivered to you, that’s on the merchant who took your money, they have an obligation to deliver the product to you successfully. I see someone who survived their childhood and now in fact is able to provide for their own needs and I think that is gosh darn mighty of you! Your caregivers filled your head with an irrelevant question, are you deserving? The answer is immaterial. You need your weekly shop to live, you took steps to acquire it, some arsehole stole it. This does happen sometimes but it’s just bad luck.