1a1a

At the end of the day, is this shame about your body a price of admission you want to continue paying? I live in a city that gets bloody hot in summer and between being worried about climate change and the dwindling resource of fossil fuel I hold out on using the air con until the house is unbearable. Long before then it’s too warm to be comfortable wearing clothes and I’m stripped down to bra and undies, housemates can like it or lump it! (My housemate goes even further and wanders around naked, she checked with me first, I told her I didn’t mind). I feel like a partner who demanded I cover up and be hot or run the air con would be an incompatible partner for me. They’re not wrong, I’m not wrong, but me forcing my lack of clothes on them or them forcing their prudish need for clothing on me would be. If your values around clothing more or less line up with your partners then I think the order a few more lounge pants idea is great. If you feel more like me about it (like in your own home you shouldn’t have to be dressed for outside unless you have visitors) then that’s either a boundary you establish with your partner (he’s going to have a reaction to that, it could be a deal breaker for him), or maybe you and he have grown too far apart and you split. Or in many other ways he is lovely and loving to you and that makes it worth paying that price of admission and the buying a few more pairs of pants solution is back on the table. As for how he voices his grievance, that’s a whole other kettle of fish.

First of all put the belief that men can’t control their sexual urges into the bin where it needs to go. This isn’t true, and if it is true of your friend he needs to be locked up for the good of society (but it’s most likely he lied to you). A friend of mine spent 3 months coming to my house and having sex with my housemate. On the outside it looked like she was consenting (although outside of the room she would say ‘I’m a lesbian, I don’t like the penis, I don’t want to have sex with your housemate’) Years later she unambiguously calls him her rapist. She says she waa coerced into returning because he had compromising photos of her. That facade of willingness that she kept up for 3 months was a trauma response. Definitely definitely definitely get some mental health care. Without improving your boundaries you run the risk of having more experiences like this.

The captain might have some wisdom https://captainawkward.com/2011/01/17/reader-question-4-my-friend-is-dating-someone-terrible-or-secrets-of-the-darth-vader-boyfriend/amp/

How long will the current workload continue? if there’s an end date in sight maybe you can stress that to her and ask if she can weather the coming months of low contact. If this is your life now going forward indefinitely it doesn’t some to me like you have time to maintain any relationships romantic or platonic. It might be making hard choices time. There’s not enough hours in the day to work a job with this many hours and sustain your existing relationship (potential future relationship with person who’s happy seeing you once a week is still a possibility).

I can’t imagine pointypancakes has any emotional attachment to her customers. She’s creating content for that coin! You have a right to be upset. Where your engagement with that world brings money in, his is costing it. Not to mention those interactions are what he’s investing his free time in! And more than that, it makes you uncomfortable and you’ve expressed that and he’s still doing it! My housemate found herself in the same situation. Content creator dating someone who remained a content consumer. She wasn’t comfortable with it either and they split up,

There are a couple of questions. If nothing changes how long do you want to stay? A month? 6 months? A year? 5 years? 10? If there are changes you would like to see in your girlfriend, namely, that she feels more secure and that she deals with her own anxiety more often (not 100% of the time, but more than she is dealing with it now). Have a frank conversation when you are both calm, tell her how much you love her, tell her that you need her to start dealing with her own anxiety, that only she can really take the teeth out of it and ask her, what actions can you take that will increase her feelings of security and trust? (And then, as long the actions are reasonable and don’t require you to cut contact with the other parent of your children, where you can, take them). But also, if she absolutely refuses to tackle her own anxiety, that’s valuable information. You two might be incompatible. 5 years is a pretty established relationship. Have you two progressed from dating to life partners? Are you clear with each other that you want this to be forever? Are you planning goals together? Could be also the insecurity is coming from being stuck in the dating part of partnering still.

I see no benefit in comparing your progress with your ex’s. What are you doing going forward so you won’t be that unavailable, cheating person to the next person who means something to you? I agree with the others, being able to identify things you would do differently next time is super valuable insight. Next step, act on it.

There’s a lot there I know I’m missing and I apologise for that. This one thing jumped out at me though, a strong, persistent fear that if you get intimate with a woman she will betray your secrets to the world. That strikes me as a cognitive distortion and a belief that’s going to hinder you ever getting close to anyone. Some people will betray you after sex, maybe they kiss and tell, maybe they just kiss and bail. And I think the same thing that those of us who don’t want yet another kiss and bail scenario do to try and safe guard against that will work for you too; don’t bring sex into the relationship until you’ve had some time to build emotional intimacy with all your clothes on. By the time she learns she will be more invested in the rest of you and if you show up ready and willing to find other ways to enjoy intimacy with her I’m sure your genitals won’t be the thing that makes or breaks the relationship.

There’s nothing like the shock of being alone to spur you into action. I’d say they step up because a) the new person is new and exciting and still someone they need to win over and b) there’s a slim chance they realise their last relationship ended through laziness and complacency and now they’re being mindful to say yes sometimes even when they’d rather stay home.

Cripes this woman is is actual danger for her life and all you can think about is that you might get beaten? If you possessed even a shred of concern for her as a person this post would look a lot less like it does and a lot more like ‘help, the woman I like is stuck in a dangerous and abusive situation, how do I bolster her confidence and empower her to leave?’

No solutions just big big *solidarity fistbumps* for the struggle of wanting to fit in socially at work and feeling like you’re failing it. Echoing the wisdom I have received every time I’ve posted about this; work isn’t for making friends. So make sure you’re investing in your friendships and life out of work. Having said that. If you want to strengthen the threads that bind you to your co workers, you could make it a gentle mission to occasionally ask them questions about themselves. Maybe you just ask how they’re going when you see them. Or what plant they would be if they were a plant? Or you could ask if they prefer marvel or DC (and if they’re like ‘I don’t watch movies’ great, the next question is ‘do you prefer tv or music?’ It’ll probably be music.) People get a little dopamine hit when they talk about themselves so if you low key facilitate that, they’ll associate talking to you with feeling good. Bonus, you get to learn things about them. Like the kid that didn’t watch movies? Now I know his top three music genres are worship music, gospel and rnb 🙂

The why doesn’t matter. This person isn’t giving you reciprocity (she’s not reciprocating your friendship) so it’s time to let her go. I don’t think you need to understand why someone treats you the way they do, just understand they aren’t being kind and move away from them.

Can you sometimes channel that negative feeling into physical exercise? I think therapy is like a Band-Aid for an amputated limb, but it is still worth pursueing. Yes it’s expensive. Yes the first therapist you try might not be a good fit, nor the second, nor the third. But seeking no therapy at all pretty much guarantees your mental state will stay the same and it doesn’t sound like you are enjoying it at all. What happens if you put aside the money for therapy each week. Maybe you can’t spare the whole payment, that’s alright, you don’t actually have this bill yet. Save up until you can afford minimum 6 sessions and then do the thing, speak to a mental health professional. And if that one doesn’t jive with you don’t be afraid to try another. And while you’re saving, check out the Woebot. Woebot is as good a listener as an AI can be and will ask you good questions if you tell them you’re feeling bad. Walk forward.

My 2 cents, you can’t have a friendship with a person in that headspace. She’s making it clear through her behaviour that she’s going to find something wrong with everything you say. So, abort, abort, abort!

If the person you love struggles with jealousy and makes that your problem to manage instead on working on it themselves, and conquering it (working on it isn’t enough if the harmful impact on their loved one isn’t mitigated!) Then this person is in no mental state to be having a serious relationship with anyone. I’m in team leave. Maybe you could have an awkward conversation with him where you tell him definitively that his unrestrained jealously is putting a strain on your relationship that Will kill it if it continues as it is, is he willing to do the work to own his own insecurities and behave in a different manner?! Yes or no you won’t tolerate a single extra argument about this and you’ll be leaving the room/house if he tries to push the matter, and then do that, every time he expresses some feeling to do with his uncontrolled jealousy. That’s an awkward conversation you could have. But if he has even the slightest history of poor emotional regulation coupled with violent tendencies it might be too dangerous to even try and lay this boundary. (Maybe the first time you do it have a friend standing by outside with a get away car just in case. This one is burnt, abort, it’s unsalvageable. If you ever get entangled with another jealous man that awkward conversation happens Very early when he’s on his best behaviour and if he doesn’t change you walk.

It’s a small thing but I’m glad you were able to take care of yourself, even if you were left with an expensive bill (it can be paid off in instalments hopefully?) At the end of the day, the one person you can count on is you! And you didn’t let yourself down (well, maybe, ignoring your gut feeling on this last boy for a little while but that’s forgivable and you can commit to acting on your gut feelings sooner next time.) Point is, you were able to take care of your health and I think that’s a very good thing. And since then you did ditch this boy which is a good exercise in honing your picker. Next time will be more efficient again.

I was going to suggest you visit the Baggage Reclaim blog and take a deep dive (still might be a useful exercise so feel free to check it out) but you already have an excellent boundary in place in refusing to be the other woman. I absolutely commend you for drawing that line! The question of why it felt safe to develop feelings for this man who is unavailable (could this be a way to keep You safe from ever forming a meaningful connection with someone?) is still very worth exploring.

Could always invite him to do a phone call if you can wrangle time for that.

A guy who ended up liking me very much takes a long time to reply, especially if the response requires thinking and more than a few words. He keeps his phone away when he’s with his friends, has trouble switching gears between working and texting and sometimes crashes out instead of replying. Always though the reply would come as soon as he’s able and would touch on most of what I said. I agree with the others, extend the invitation once, see if this guy would like to meet in person. If he does and that goes well leave it some space and see if he makes the next invitation.

Even if he was just a garden variety friend you’d have every cause to give him a fast fade on the grounds of refusing to hear your no alone! I’ve got an acquaintance who does similarly inappropriate things (finding every excuse to bring the conversation around to how much he likes sex and his wife doesn’t?! *massive side eye* Yeah, you’re a sometimes interesting to talk to person I know but I’m glad you live on the other side of the world!) You don’t need to have business hours to keep business hours. My hours are irregular too but If I get a ‘hey’ from some guy’s boner at 1 in the morning, that message will be ignored until the morning. If my other side of the world friend sends me a particularly boring message I’ll ignore that, really, as long as a feel like. So this boundary pushing client, you don’t have to cut him off cold turkey (especially while you’re still working on his piece). But you can just let his messages sit in your inbox for a while before replying and you can get right out of the small talk by either giving single word answers and not answering questions or telling him you’re super busy at the moment and can’t chat. In your shoes I wouldn’t be up for making small talk with him at all after that display of immense pushiness trying to get you to come out with him. Very bad form. Just talk about the commission, nothing else to say.

Not at all. Maybe that discrepancy in our two realities (his narrative versus mine, where mine doesn’t seem to be allowed to exist) is partly why that conversation was so upsetting. I missed a call from him today and received a text, it said and I quote ‘Just wanted to let you know that you’re rad! I think all your dreams will come true’ So I called back and told him I thought he was pretty excellent too and he said he wanted to share that with me because we don’t often say what we like about each other. More bargaining? Probably more bargaining. (Also more breaking no contact. But if it’s the last time he does it that’s not a bad note to end on.) Coming apart from someone you still have feelings for, and when you haven’t actually been together long enough to have that list of small niggling things that don’t work. So hard (for me, as this thread can attest to. For him too it seems). But now i kind of feel like he’s under a love spell and if he stayed with me in these circumstances, it wouldn’t be real. I have to wait and see what the next 3 weeks of being alone brings him. (And me, but I feel like I’m more weeks into this being alone thing than he is, and I have a direction now i’m heading in that feels right).

Jibralta he’s been pulling away!!!!!! (Or, doing his own stress test on the relationship but with one issue so big the outcome of it literally impacts a 3rd person!) This made me feel very seen in a warm, fuzzy way. (And also, you’re right, why can’t I see it for myself?!) I took the call because I too had wished to break no contact. (But I have more discipline and a firmer believe that no further good could come of us trying to fit together without space apart). I guess I was hoping he’d come to me. But now I’m realising even if he does we’re damned because that’s always going to feel bad for him. Ugh, of course, he’s at the bargaining stage. Well then, more time apart is best because thoughts and feelings there aren’t stable. A friend shared a short video on existentialism. The philosophy that we make our own purpose in life. That the right path for you is the one you choose so make the most authentic choices for yourself. The feeling is not wavering, now is the time for travelling. Both I’m excited by the prospect of doing so, and I don’t think I can put it on hold without also putting on hold being able to set down roots. (And I can’t give him the relationship he wants without putting down roots so this feels like a big obstacle, even if he hits the bargaining stage and says ‘kids later’. I still know that’s his dream and it’s part of what I want in my life too.) I think in its own, sad way, the conversation yesterday helped me realise maybe we can’t work. Still hopeful, but realistically, starting to understand the implications of us being at such different places in life 😞 god I wish he’d been articulate about this a lot lot lot sooner. I’m sure he won’t make that mistake again. Neither will I!

You might need to write this down on a piece of paper and hand it to him. Still in person. Explain that some things are so scary and awkward to say the words dry up in your mouth before they can come out and you care for him deeply but the love feeling has gone and you have to end it. (You can put all that in the note too if you don’t think you’ll be able to speak it). Sometimes doing the right thing requires the most courage.

I repeated the ‘it would suck more’ bit to myself over and over the other night to make my peace. And then he broke no contact and reached out. He misses me too much, let’s take kids off of the table for now and work that out later. But the wheels and the want is in motion now for me to do a working holiday, and experience I’ve wanted for a long time but not been in a good position to do. He feels like he keeps coming towards me and I keep moving away. I can see how and why he’d feel like that. But the working holiday came directly out of the desire to get to where he is mentally with regards to putting down roots. It’s not fair. We go back to no contact now until our scheduled brunch.

I feel, less angry at least. Another friend asked me what can you say to her that won’t hurt her, say that. So I’m going to double check my words with him first and if they pass muster just suggest how we can move forward. Today I’m working a job with 6 hours straight of standing by and I am missing my ex. So much miss. All week in the back of my mind I think I’ve been thinking pretty confidently that when we meet in april we’ll reunite. He seemed mentally there when I asked for no contact. Tonight in the quiet of the stand by job, I think what if we don’t though. What if we do have irreconcilable differences? (And if he really means what he says about how soon he wants to start a family, even if he only realised this once he got to Australia, then he’s right and you’re all right, irreconcilable). If we don’t get back together, that’s the right decision but it’s still going to suck. Like this sucks. Being at different places in our lives sucks. I wish I could just call him now and ask. But I feel this is like a soufflé. Open the oven early and the whole thing will be ruined. This is going to be a really long 3 weeks. edit to add: even with knowing where to focus, focus on 1a1a things, decluttering, getting a passport, applying for work overseas, catching up with friends and family. There is a lot to do. I’ve been decluttering all week. If makes me feel so anxious. But I have to do it. Part of actually changing and not just saying I’ll change.