I feel like I'm stuck in this constant loop. Nothing changes, it's all the same. Every night I lie awake crying, hoping that I can find a "freedom" away from this ***hole we call earth. I've tried shrugging these thoughts off but everyday they grow stronger. I only live to just exist and to just be "there" for others. I'd get therapy for whatever I have going on but I don't want to spend $60-100+ just for a session that I probably won't speak in. I wish I got help sooner into my childhood, I'm starting to gain violent thoughts. At first, it was mostly about inflicting it onto myself but now it's on others. I'm horrified that one day I'll actually act on it. It's all ***ing with me now, badly.
I'm running out of reasons to care about living. I've already ***ed my future lovelife up. I'm addicted porn, it's to the point where it has messed with my views on people, sex, and relationships. I've been exposed to it ever since elementary school, I'd stop but I feel like something is controlling me to watch it. I don't even get pleasure from it either, I just feel like I need to watch it in order to get through my day. I feel disgusted with myself. I don't know what to do anymore.
