1a1a

Slowly coming around. Really really really appreciate you commenting here.

Keep coming back and reading, I think my thoughts are slowly shifting away from where they were.

I’m aware, hence the not racing in.

Appreciating the perspectives. I could be wrong. And this does feel like a sit back/wait and see/execute the action plan for having a robust and full life that the psychologist gave me and see if the feeling stays the same or changes kind of situation. But I’m not sure that I feel desperate about getting him back. Comparing it to other break ups and also our last two break ups, I seem to have regained equilibrium quicker. Don’t feel lonely at all. Busy life, abundant friend faces, good list of things to be doing in my free time. I’d say the stickiest hook (that I’m conscious of) is the idea of us parting ways when we still feel all that love and it could have been worked out with better communication. (Suppose if efforts to improve communication fall flat that is also an incompatibility). And the possibility that our wants can line up just he’s pulled the pin on it before I could ever get to that stage of trust (even though he has tried to grow trust in other ways that don’t really land with me).

That’s exactly the thing. And that is correct I’m not ready. Last night when I heard that time frame I thought god no! And then this morning, the idea is still there. Build a nest, settle down. I feel like I’ve started down the path. I notice kids in a way I didn’t before (this predates the break up) and when I roll the idea around in my head it feels different (and I’m still not there by a long shot, I have a lot of questions/apprehensions. Which I guess the right match for me would be willing to work through those. And for me to want to have a kid with my ex, we’d have to do so much work to get better at making each other feel love care trust and respect, because there’s no way in the world id make that commitment where we are currently or even where we were before we broke up. ) There is a part of me that wants to nest. I think about the great travel adventure instead, all that exploring and personal growth, and having to choose between the two paths it doesn’t look so enticing anymore. But that’s where the is this bargaining question comes in.

Did your ex take you up on them? Did it work out well or did you regret it because you had compromised your wants and needs or some other reason? How do you work out if you really mean the thing you say you want or if it is just bargaining?

Things I learnt today; the biggest thing between my ex and I is still the timeline for having kids (assuming best faith not narc, not debilitatingly selfish, not avoidant, not otherwise shady). He had been hoping when I came to India and saw his home and met his friends and family there, maybe next year I would be ready (and who knows, maybe I would, but speaking as a person who’s only just started turning the idea over in their head I can’t say from this vantage point, I just can’t. It’s like asking me the view from the top of the hill when I’m standing at the bottom taking the first few steps to the ascent .) In all the time he’s known me he’s tried I suppose the things that would make him feel secure but It doesn’t come naturally and he seems unable to adapt his behaviour to courses of action that would actually result in me feeling secure. He’s walking a fine line of asking me back. When we talk, I think definitely if we were face to face, all he can think about is getting back together. Best faith take the feelings are still strong. Really a break up that’s going to need no contact to stick. I’ve never had one like this before. Not a great experience I wouldn’t rate it. I felt a spike of longing talking to him, before that I’d fairly convinced my heart he’s not safe! And I could feel a bit angry, about how he seemed to end it just when asked for increased closeness (but that’s not taking into account his squashed down biological clock is it. Then, maybe the kinder way to end it with me would have been to say something like ‘I love you so much I tried to squash down my desire to start a family now but I’m so sorry, I can’t do that any longer and I think this means we need to part ways.’ Ehhh, he’s never been compatible with me in terms of communication. Hopefully some men out there are, and their pace is like mine and so our wants for how the relationship unfolds line up with mine and there is waaaaay less conflict! Even though the discussion was calm and the thought of him staying with me and continueing to vape to deal with the cognitive dissonance of it is enough to compel me to let him go free (let alone the fear of break up 4 in 6 weeks time. He says he had felt fine with our partnership until couples counselling. Maybe that fineness was built on some very wishing and hoping thinking about how quickly I can nurture a maternal instinct though in which case, disguised blessing about that bubble being popped surely.) And I don’t recall feeling my body tense up, and in fact I went for a walk while we spoke so I was moving my body. Still, I’m having a restless night. Stupid physical reaction to loss! If I want to talk to someone I should just call them. It was a catch up with a taewonese friend that was the catalyst for calling the ex, her response is always ‘just call him’ ‘don’t wait around for an answer just call’. Pretty different to sitting back and waiting for them to call you. I can see how my ego is getting in the way there. And the benefits of contact probably did not outweigh the cost (at the very least lost sleep). Time to try and sleep again.

No advice, just massive, expansive, infinite solidarity. It’s on a micro scale for me on account of my relationship never finding it’s feet like yours did but I still had invested in the idea of this person being my forever person and we have come together and come apart three times now. The Baggage reclaim lady likes to say that people unfold. My ex was a really good match for me for a while, under certain conditions. The conditions changed, he unfolded (into a person with a rigid idea about how relationships should progress), I unfolded (into a person with unresolved fear of intimacy). These two new states don’t work at all. It’s not that he was never my rock. But we’re in the next chapter now and I have been chanting under my breath ‘I accept that my ex is not my soul mate’. Admittedly this is the third break up and for one and two my heart just wanted to linger, standing there waiting for him to reconsider. (Which he did, and the combination of us still didn’t work well). But it’s like keeping your hand in the fire because you are fond of that fire. I think if you two come back together later nothing on heaven or earth could stop it but right now life is giving you an opportunity to practice acceptance and moving forward. (Same as it is giving me). Seeeeeeeize it!

I’ve been reading up on it a bit and he does some things that are a bit narc like but it’s always a very small number of the listed traits. And then I think if things he did that showed care or compromise and I go back to thinking he’s not and then I wonder if I’m spackling. All of which is moot because he’s gone but perhaps it’s always worth getting read up on narcissist spotting. I’ll be back out there trying to date again in the future and they’re out there. With or without narcissism, definitely didn’t like how he made a plan for us without me and got upset when I didn’t go along with it. And I haaaaate how he twists his memories of conversations to favour the point he’s trying to make (saying he called me when I called him, expanding or shrinking numbers when it helps his case, saying he firmed up plans when to my memory he definitely left them open. It might come from an innocent place like small children tell lies to get out of trouble but it’s crazy making). Hate hate hate do not want in a partner going forward!

Today I wondered if the ex might be a narc, realise it doesn’t matter because he ended it, for whatever reason, and that is all the information I should need, told myself If the door is closed it’s not my door. There’s still bargaining, under what conditions could we reunite? If he could tell me why it’s going to be different next time. Then think about how absolutely sad and miserable he must have been feeling preceding ending it (assuming best faith not a narc). Why would I want him to persevere knowing how much it hurt him? The man had to vape to stay with me, at the very least an amber flag that he was way out of sync with himself. Keep facing forward 1a1a, take steps in a forward direction. Cancel those hollow promise bookings, research your new plan for a trip to India, make a list of social hobby things you can attend and get attending! Apply for that touring job you saw advertised and for work on cruise ships. Step forward! There’s still stuff in my head it would be better to get out in the journal but I’m out of time, bed calls for the work does not let up. Hopefully get time to do some stuff of life stuff tomorrow night.

The only way past the storm is through! I’ve got to keep practicing at that (not following the thoughts and feelings down rabbit holes). Eeeee it was so good! This very early morning woken up by two housemates who dated and came apart but haven’t fully separated cos proximity. When they argue he withdraws and she escalates to crying and raised voice pleading banging on his door. Wait, she’s me. That’s how I felt the other night when my ex was being my echo. It’s easier to see with her ‘you’re a bad combo because of how the pair of you navigate conflict’ but if I can see it with them then I Have to see it in my own relationship. At least as I am now I go just as unconscious with my ex as she is when she’s howling and banging on the door. No good. (Now I’m awake in the middle of the night and my brain is trying to tread its familiar path of thinking about my ex and I’d like to deploy the really hot shower and go back to sleep but housemate who was banging is now slumped on the bathroom floor. Alive. Very sad. )

I feel like I’m coming to accept we don’t work. (No looking at articles on how to get your ex back this time around), that he was a bridge not the destination, that it’s ok to love and be loved and still not work together as romantic partners, that this doesn’t really change the trajectory of my life much. But gosh darn it why do I still feel anxiety welling up?

You mean just doing the thing? (In my case this would be just let him go and never look back yeah?) I guess I did quite enjoy that creek walk the other night I definitely didn’t want to go. The thing is I need something to try and stop my tongue from probing the gap where the ex shaped missing tooth is. As long as my mind is turning over the loss of him doesn’t that keep me stuck there? I dreamed that I woke up to the ex in my bed. I was aware that was a big boundary crossed (aka him doing whatever he wants without checking if the want is mutual first) hbut in my dream I was glad he was there. Stupid dreams. And now I know, you can dream of waking up!

Hahhhhhhh, maybe my ex has been repeating 1a1a will change her mind, 1a1a will change mind. (And then vaping because I’m not and the cognitive dissonance is too much for him). I like that one even more boltnrun. Ram Dass uses mantras that way too. When he feels himself getting worked up he fingers beads and chants. Now he just needs to touch the beads and the chant comes. I’m not spiritual, haven’t been to india and don’t speak Hindi so using ram ram ram doesn’t feel right but I would like to find something that fits for me. (Another anchor, look for all the anchors). Dark choco, that is a fantastic idea!!!!! I’ve just started reading break up boot camp, I’ll work through that first and chase it with a dating manual or few. (Some of these ideas, like reading books on heartbreak and dating, seem like such obviously good ideas and I wonder why I never thought to last time my heart was broken. That time was awful, that time I really needed more tools and more support than I had).

Today’s mantra, I don’t at all believe in manifestation but I am open to the idea if I repeat this thought in my head or out loud a lot, I may create a strong neural pathway for it, which beats having strong neural pathways for other thoughts that have liked to hang around like ‘I’m never going to find anyone’ and ‘the last of my youth is going to fade away in singledom’. The one for me is out there and I will meet him soon.

I keep reminding myself of that boltnrun. Remind remind remind! There is so much in my house that needs cleaning. Today I left the house for a solo session with couples psych (got off to a really rocky start because she questioned if he had actually broken up or if my insecurity is blowing up something. It wasn’t until I said I had asked him multiple times that night if we were really broken up and every time he said yes that she finally took my word for it). From then on mostly moving on focussed (of course I am still resistant to this. Hard to get my head around to he’s a bad fit and he won’t change so take the lessons and end this chapter already). Despite the resistance I’ll do the things she recommended (mostly planning related, like organising a new version of the India trip without him and cancelling Tasmania bookings and generally dreaming and planning where my life is heading. And she asked what I’m going to do in a month when he comes sniffing back because he will. And you could go again, maybe you need more rounds before you finally go ‘no’. Ooof. But I suppose that set the tone for the day not bad and gave me a direction after break up (forward, go forward!) Brain is throwing up assorted us specific things which is sad making because I’ll never have those kinds of moments with him again. And there’s a song he’s been playing a lot lately that comes unbidden into my head every time there’s silence. It’s a beautiful song but no no no please don’t make me listen to this right now I heard it so much in his bedroom, in good times and in tense, stressful times. I’d like to be out of that room now please?

Not even remotely enough cardio (there hasn’t even been enough time for sleep lately but work is slowing down this week, perfectly coinciding with the break up of course! There will be some work outs over the coming days!) I read your post, grabbed my umbrella and dragged myself out for a walk down the creek. The rain fell and the swollen creek rushed and roared and I walked past a fat, squat hopping thing in the dark (could this be an amphibian?!!!) and one other human who remarked ‘you must be as crazy as me’. We who venture out are treated to the serenity of it. Perhaps the walk down the creek is a decent anchor. I need more though, more portable ones, more in the moment ones. For absolute certain I feel better now than before I left though. The analogy is perfect, you can get carried away with the feeling or you can see it coming and choose to choose an action that doesn’t feed it. Choosing to keep grieving by choosing to keep interacting *turns the sentence over and over until it sinks in*

All the other things that were wrong between us and my brain is fixating on how I punched him and I crossed the line and I broke it. Why do brains do this? No I don’t have any control over it (what my brain is throwing up. But ok yes I have some control over whether or not I feed the thought). Yes going forward if I can’t get a handle on my reactivity I will break more connections. Yes if the tables were turned and he had punched me I would be rattled too (does how rattled depend on how hard?) I asked him to punch me afterwards to even us out. He couldn’t and wouldn’t. *** that just makes me feel even more like I lost someone good (even though there is a long list of things about us together that aren’t good if I just read through my threads here. Long list. Longest list.) Already grieved this twice why do I have to grieve this again. Why is it so hard to just call it this us no good not working bin it and move on?!

There Is zero humility. When he’s in this kind of breaking up with 1a1a everything is bad mood he has the audacity to compare himself to other men and say he’s better ‘I want to move in with you, I want to start a family with you, what guys are wanting that? *compares himself to my friends partners* ‘ Yeah, but you don’t really. Because the only way to have that now is to go back in time and want it when you wanted it and now you won’t even try a different communication strategy and seeing each other more frequently. Won’t even try it! I do nightly have a very hot shower before bed (and before trying to nap). I’ll try actually getting up when I wake up and having another. (Or a cool one when summer hits. The weather is warming up now and under my blanket was too hot last night but under the sheet was too cold, it didn’t help). The thought came into my head about having to cancel our flights and bookings for a trip to Tasmania in oct, and India in December (my flight for India, he is still going). That’s such a crushing thought. But the thought of going on those trips solo is just as painful. Although maybe I could still do india for a shorter time and seek out a meditation retreat that could tie in with the kinds of ideas I’ve been learning from Eckhart Tolle and Ram Dass. I still want to see more of the world. So I’m listening to Ram Dass talking about personality and emotions and he says let go of it. Someone says or does something that angers or hurts you? That’s a you problem. You don’t need them to change their behaviour you need to get out from underneath it. And I’m back in my exs room hearing him shut down and parrot back everything I say. I think the point where I could have stepped back from the thing escalating had already been passed. I should have left as soon as we reached his place. Why didn’t I leave. I was afraid of it ending. Why am I afraid.

Despite being run ragged from the last couple of weeks I keep waking up. Like a tongue to the gap where a missing tooth was my mind keeps going back to ‘we’re broken up oh no’ Good catch on the framing Batya. When I hear something like him saying ‘I want to break up’ it really does feel like I need to fight against myself, fear and anxiety spike, my thoughts go ‘you’re never going to see this person again if you leave’ and I stay like that’s going to fix their feeling of being done. It never once has. Thank you Cherylin, I needed to see that. He said it again today in the car, when we have two very different impressions of what the outcome of a conversation was, someone has to be lying. And it’s not him….so. He’s not able or willing to consider that he might have said and meant something one way and I heard it another. That was Why the therapist asked us to repeat what the other said back. People do have different memories of the same event and they don’t leap to ‘my partner is actively practicing to deceive me’. Maybe that says a lot about the impression he has of me. I love this framing ‘freedom from unnecessary angst, stress and habitual unkindness.’ I’m still trying to work out if he is unkind. He has stepped up in ways but maybe us together equals stress and angst, because of how we interact. His problem resolving skills are like zero though. None. He did step up and come up counselling and it made him want to break up, hearing my side of things. Not exactly encouraging honesty from me. And tonight, we go inside and then he goes into the kitchen to eat dinner with housemate. (And then they don’t eat dinner and they’re just catching up on each other’s days. Like, you understand the importance of spending time with your friend to maintain the relationship but you’re breaking up with me over the idea of spending 5 nights a week together heading towards moving in?! ) Presently I made a comment and he offered we go in his room. That he even thought that was a good course of action in the first place?!! The things that get me are him stepping up his communication with me when asked and being steady in wanting us to move in and start a family, the hall marks of a settled relationship, he’s unbelievably resistant to actually having the experiences that would grow a relationship though (????). Like if he didn’t love and he wasn’t committed why would he sit with the intense discomfort of my wanting to go slower and make a conscious effort to take actions (calling me when he gets free) outside of what he would naturally do? Got to be my own rock. Going home as soon as I could have tonight would have been a good way to be my own rock. (Reminding myself of what bad things I’d be going back to maybe also a good way. ) I wish my body would let me sleep more than two hours. Time to try again.

Annnnd, he just called to check I’m ok. I know this call, this is an assuage guilt call. That is ok, guilt be assuaged. Break ups are painful but the right thing to happen, ‘you do your thing, I’ll be here practicing radical acceptance’ (muscles on that are weak af but here is an opportunity to grow them. Imagine getting to the point where I accept the thing is over as soon as someone says it, ahhhhhh I’m gonna feel like a graduated uni the day I manage that! Life goals!)

I posted and then I worked like crazy and didn’t get a chance to come back to this until a few days later, by which time we had had a good conversation and a really nice night and I thought we were stronger than ever and had patched things up. second joint counselling session and he’s all like ‘I am feeling good, I am feeling fine’ in the session and as soon as we leave it he’s like ‘it’s like you’re two different people and I don’t know you, I can’t do this, I’m done’. That was my cue to bow out gracefully but I haven’t yet developed the discipline to fight my urge to cling. Instead I clung, disbelieving, he’s already done this twice and not meant it, surely he doesn’t mean it this time either. In the end he was stonewalling me but I wasn’t cogniscent of it in time (if I can catch and identify this sooner then that really really is my cue to bow out for the day. Nothing ever got made worse by leaving it alone hey?!) I would say something and he’d just parrot it back. That’s the exercise the psychologist gave us, to repeat back what the other said. But the intention was to gain a clearer understanding of what each other was trying to say. He wasn’t doing that he was just shutting me down by agreeing to everything. I was so hurt I punched him on the arm. Not super hard but harder than playful. Line crossed. He’s truly shutting down now, off to the gym to work out his anger. Invitation previously extended to stay the night (even though he’s ended it, mixed message much?) rescinded. Now I’m about to drive home, and, you know what? I think I might be at acceptance. Still hoping to reconcile like an idiot, but only if he addresses the stonewalling thing. And, I dunno, I think he gets in a headspace sometimes where he goes super black and white and unreasonable. And the best thing to do in that time is leave him alone but because I’m a clingy bugger I cling and get hurt and then hurt him and it’s a bad combination. Back to the driving home, I’m picturing the future where we don’t get back together and it’s triggering neutral feelings. Like, he wasn’t that in my life anyway. Imagine breaking up with someone because they say they want to see you 5 nights a week?! What that actual ***?! I’m thinking about how if I stayed with him there would be more conflicts that couldn’t be resolved while he was in the head space he’s in tonight. The ***er told the psych he has no triggers and no baggage but what is that head space if not the product of a trigger?! How can anyone form a strong relationship with him if he won’t take ownership of that?! I am so so glad to have this thread (and the several that came before it) of you all calmly and repeatedly populating the cons list for this guy. It helps, it really really helps. Like right now, my initial reaction was to cling and beg and plead and 3 hours later I feel uncommonly calm (or is this shock? Maybe I already did the grieving for this guy, a couple of times actually. Is it really such an earth shattering loss to lose someone so unable to resolve conflicts with me?) The true test would be not walking away from tonight but walking away from the whole dumpster fire. I don’t think I’ve done enough strength training for that how do I strengthen those muscles?!

Maybe Eckhart Tolle can help you a little Thoughts are going to come up. The mind is like wild horses, not a single one of us can control it. What you can control is how you react to the thoughts that come up. Will you pay attention to the thought? Feed it? Create the right environment for all of its friends to join it? Or will you make the conscious choice to redirect your attention else where once you become aware ‘ah, here is a thought’. It’s good that you’re noticing and you want to change things. Left unchecked, the more you indulge in feeding the thoughts, the more you build the neural networks in your brain of worrying and the stronger those pathways become, the more ingrained of a habit it becomes. In short, you will become really really good at worrying.

Reconciled with my Indian guy. It was good, then there was conflict (over our differing timelines for children, still, this hasn’t changed, why did he reconcile if it’s still a sticking point for him?!) And a lack of contact time. We signed up for couples counselling, had our first joint session the other day. I felt like I said the same things I’ve been saying the entire time but he reacted like it was all new to him and at one point said I was lying! (When pressed for further clarification the next day I think he meant my wounds from past relationships affect my perception and maybe he doesn’t have the words to express that but saying your partner is lying when you’re trying to resolve conflict is still pretty brutal). Anyway, I left that session with a better idea of what damage I’m bringing to the table and the negative effects of that and the realisation that I want our lives to be more integrated and I can play a role in that. And he left full of doubts. Like, we need to have a serious conversation and depending on how that conversation goes he will want to continue or break up doubts. Last night he needed space and I needed contact and he would not budge so once again I was left feeling abandoned (which is my thing to work on but also damn this guy triggers that fear like crazy). In a more logical frame of mind I understand and endorse taking the space to know your own thoughts and feelings, it’s essential. When my cup is full I can cope with waiting for that quite well. My cup is empty. His cup is empty. And now I have to work through a weekend with this conversation looming over my head. He’s free to have it today or tomorrow but I’m not. (And so it’s ‘my fault’ that we haven’t had it yet even though I was free and asking to see him last night and he was free in one sense of the word, but unavailable in an emotional sense.) The price of admission, pretty frequent experiences of being abandoned, also dismissed and minimised. The price of admission he’d have to pay to stay with me, my fear of abandonment, which I’m working on, but it’s not like I can flick a switch and be free of it. Ugh, the therapist was telling me this guy is not the men from past who left me. But he is not a solid rock. He’s in the process of considering leaving me right now! This will be the third time in 10 months, he leaves me often. How am I meant to develop a sense of trust? Why is he so surprised that I am lacking in that trust when I have already experienced him leaving me twice (he says ‘I didn’t go anywhere, I kept asking to see you, I stayed in contact, I didn’t really leave’ but you did say the words, I want to end this!)

Without the complication of a child but my relationship with the one that I thought was the one ended because he was depressed, and couldn’t meet my needs, so I shoved them on the back burner again and again and again until I couldn’t anymore and then I told him I need this or this ends, and he broke up with me because he didn’t want to try and meet my needs and fail and be left by me in the end anyway. He wouldn’t even seek treatment for his depression. There was no end in sight. Will your partner seek treatment? Or does he just want to stay where he is stuck and miserable? If the latter I strongly advice you follow through with leaving. You’ll be in the position you’re in now sans the crushing disappointment of unmet expectations and an unsupportive partner. You shouldn’t have to beg your partner for their time. Something has gone horribly off course.