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If you did get back together, I’d recommend having a plan for working through and staying on top of the things that drove you apart. (Like on your end it might seek therapy when the attachment style starts causing fear in you. But when you take the attachment trauma out of the picture, was this guy all hunky dory or were there things he did that contributed to the divide between you as well? What is his action plan to not keep doing that?) In the mean time, imagine that in order for a friendship to form your feelings first need to fade and in order for them to fade you need space. Take the space. If he wants to be kissing you he had better also want to make you his forever woman!

Do wonder what comes first, the hate or the exclusion. I can see how being excluded can lead to hate. But in this instance you will be winning at life if you can shift your mindset, like leagues ahead of your peers. I think maybe two things you could try, one, next time someone does something annoying, catch your inner monologue and re write it ‘I notice I am feeling like this person is doing something really annoying but it is just a feeling and it will pass.’ You’re really aiming for Buddhist detachment from value judgements here and if you want to go down the rabbit hole get stuck into Buddhist philosophy. The other thing you could try next time someone annoys you is acknowledging that annoyance but then find and list three things about them you appreciate. A challenge in your current headspace I expect but one worth tackling I think. Aside from that irritation and negative feeling are pretty par for the course with feeling depressed. If mental health care is available to you make use of it. Good luck, we really can think ourselves into an enjoyable or a hellish life.

This has been a very calming set of replies to read, thank you. I really like the framing of the pit as a strength training exercise! I had the referral to the psych in my back pocket since an incident last year where I lost my temper at my housemates mum and yelled at her (she is Very annoying and she doesn’t listen but she still doesn’t deserve to be yelled at and I’m aware that by the time I’m yelling, I’m not in control anymore). So there’s always that, seeking the tools to act differently when distressed. But also, in those two weeks where I felt shut out, when I didn’t hear from my ex it’s like my energy bar would deplete and when it ran low I’d feel really sad. When I couldn’t get hold of him the bad feeling intensified. When connection was established it would vanish. But that’s not healthy. As I read somewhere your partner should be your accomplice not your floatation device. So, there’s digging into that to be done. And my absolutely disasterous dating history since my last major relationship ended. The pattern is always the same, object of my affection is not interested and yet I hold on. With my ex it’s a variation on the theme but the theme is still there, object of affections is a bad fit (who has given up and doesn’t want this now) and still I hold on. Today I feel neutral. Last night I was chanting under my breath ‘this is what he wants this is what he wants this is what he wants’ when my mind tried to gravitate towards him (from that other thread I did make myself a set of positive affirmations, ‘I am brave, I am growing, I am loved, I love unconditionally, I trust this is right’, I’ve been using that too). I’ve changed his name in my phone to ‘name wants this’. He called me just before. I’m still thinking about how he doesn’t seem to love who I actually am (like he’ll mope in his room looking at pictures and reading old texts and listening to a recording of me singing a song about loving someone who’s far away. But me as I live and breath, he’s chosen distance and silence!) And he doesn’t seem to respect me or how I live. So I see name wants this pop up on my phone and think, perhaps I can strive to be a low contact friend, (like how I eventually ended up being with the last ex. We don’t hang out but if one was stranded and called for help the other would come). I pick up the phone, he wants to borrow my van to move furniture. Well you can but you’ll need to unload the current contents and load them back in when you’re done. Alright. We’re going to do a car swap tomorrow. Feel, still neutral. It’s too visible now the things he has said and done that make me feel like it’s not the actual real me he loves. Holding those thoughts in my head along with the idea that a person who naturally wanted to communicate with about the same frequency and see each other as regularly as I do even when they’re really busy! would be better suited to being my partner. Also someone who answered my bids for emotional connection. Name wants this does not. You would have to reply to messages to acknowledge the bid in any form at all.

Apt with the psych was lined up for last week but she had a family emergency. She referred me on to someone who can see me 10 days from now. That’s admittedly still a pretty quick turn around but it feels like an age and it felt awful on the day. I’m still carrying all this pain. This will be my third attempt with a psychologist although the first two were I guess more so for depression and failure to recover after the last serious break up (which with more recently things learned might indeed have activated whatever trauma gave me this stupid attachment style in the first place. I took that break up really really badly. Sometimes I just feel fine, acceptance. Start dreaming my best future flying solo. And then boom overcome with grief again! And I’m thinking about something he said last time I saw him, only children can’t regulate their emotions. Condescending. There’s something said in a calm voice that’s a dagger.

Just massive solidarity, I’m going through the same thing right now (partner bailed, doesn’t trust me to change, does not want this thing with me any more. It’s hard to believe. But it’s the truth and the longer I stand still, the longer I stand in the middle of the storm cold, wet and in pain).

I needed to prepare for a hire job tomorrow, tonight, before heading to work. And I pushed through and got two thirds done, crying and loading. It sucks

I waited to let the dust settle, and i reached out and tried to mend the rift. My ex remains fearful, being with me has been an emotional rollercoaster for him (I read somewhere all relationships ebb and flow but in relationships with people who have Cluster B personality disorders or insecure attachment styles these can be magnified. That's me. Hopefully the second one not the first one.) A few days have passed now and he remains silent. Those who said he did not want me in his life anymore called it accurately and it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. I've been desperately journalling. Work is too busy to organise some decent social distractions (although last night I caught up with a colleague in order to pick up some gear and made a pointed effort to not overshare my own woes and instead ask him how he was going and the ensuing conversation was good, and for the duration I forgot my pain.) Sometimes I remember to channel my thoughts into listing things I'm grateful for. I'm not having trouble holding onto the compassionate understanding of why my ex left, or even why I reverted to trying to use him like a floatation device (I have always done this, that's all I know. I know I need to not do that but I don't know how) and that makes me even more sad). I'm just So Sad.

Sad to say but definitely assume you will never get a reasonable conversation from this jerk. And that if you keep the baby he’s not going to be one iota of help or support. I’m really sorry this guy turned out to be a frog. Sometimes it takes a while for the mask to come off.

I can feel when I’m turning into a lonely extravert. I’ve been working a lot lately so it’s not like I don’t see any people but not all interactions give me energy. I think I need to actually have a bit of a decent conversation with someone to get charged up. I’ll stumble into a free day after 2 weeks straight of working and realise I’m alone and lonely and it’s too short notice to bail up any of my friends. There must be something else I can do to meet my need for social interaction. What do you do when your friends are busy?

Just mad empathy for the 18 months long distance they really seem like they’re a good match for you and then you get them face to face and the real version of them does some things which are pretty un conducive to a partnership (been there, have the heartbreak). Stonewalling is death to good communication and you’re getting a sense now of how much quality time he naturally values (waaaaaay less than you). Try making a list of your compatibilities and another of your incompatibilities. Make it based on his current behaviours. Co sign focus all energy on finding a job. Also, even with the bad weather is there a local cafe or public library you could slip away to for some peace and quiet?

If you can, continue to remind her she is a complete, autonomous individual with agency and the ability to make good decisions for herself. He will have been undermining her faith in her ability to make good decisions for many many years and if people around remind her I think that can be helpful

That’s got to be painful to watch. You might find something useful in this captain awkward letter reply https://captainawkward.com/2011/01/17/reader-question-4-my-friend-is-dating-someone-terrible-or-secrets-of-the-darth-vader-boyfriend/amp/

You remind me, this is the very first thing on my kind things to do for yourself list (which I haven’t actually made yet, gonna do that now, but this will be first)

Biggest of Jedi hugs. It’s so easy to be philosophical about it when you’re not in the thick of it.

Consistent and transparent. Is that really asking too much? In a way my ex has been amazingly consistent in his affection. Transparent he is not though. You would have to communicate to be transparent. He did call again. We talked for an hour. I still want to reconcile (well, I haven’t given up on the idea that we do compliment each other and just need to learn how to be a couple. Maybe that is more work than is reasonable or possible? But maybe it is teething issues? But then you’ve all been following along and you probably remember a laundry list of non compatibilities my mind has filtered out, can’t love over come them? I know love alone is not enough but we’re not like the awful combo of someone who’s love language is touch paired with someone who’s touch averse. Now That is an incompatibility. Ask me how I know! We do want the same things just at different paces, we like living the same lifestyle, we eat the same food, we speak each other’s love language, I thought we were both committed. ) I learned he’s not an introvert, he’s an extravert, just one who likes alone time. He’s still staying in that room with his friend. So he hasn’t been alone and he hasn’t thought about us. It didn’t work, push it out of mind and focus on working. Thinking about it hurts too much. He says he feels very hurt. And he says I’m really good with my words and when I talk like this he wants to be with me. And I might want to do these things with all my heart but I don’t actually do them. I told him some things I’d done to come towards him (getting my teeth cleaned when he mentioned bad breath, that kind of thing) he was unmoved. So where I say I can listen to him better and practice empathy, he doesn’t believe me. He thinks we’ve already had this conversation multiple times. I don’t think we have. He said, you know how when you’re getting to know someone there’s a learning curve while you work out how to be with them. Then it levels out. Well his has leveled out and he doesn’t know what else to do and my feeling so insecure even after he’s done everything he can think of really hurts. I told him more than anything in a partner I’m looking for someone who’ll turn towards me and work through problems. I guess the reality is that is not him. The romantic dream he was selling was just a prop, not the real deal. But I still feel like I need to try and reach him. That’s like sticking my hand in the fire. Why do I feel like I need to do this to feel like I gave it my all?

I’ll give these all a try. Batya, do you mean something like directing your mind to think about say, making breakfast in the morning, step by minute step so it can be occupied with that instead? I’ve been 4 6 7 breathing a bit lately but always when I feel distress rising. Is it something that offers best benefits when you do it habitually, in calm situations too? Ive been scribbling on a pad in the day time, ‘journaling’ it’s really just catching the panic mind chatter and putting it down and it has helped a bit. I’ll try it for the mid night wake too.

Are you me? Did you just step into my head and remove the contents? I just had a relationship fall apart and my attachment anxiety was a large contributing factor. Every time I was insecure I guess that’s a little vote of no confidence in the other person but also he was unable to understand it’s not personal and unable to reassure me although on his end he tried incredibly hard (and all very fruitless attempts because none of them were what I needed). Like you I feel like if I could have been better we’d still be together. But the other side of that coin is if he could have supported me in the way I needed, we’d still be together. And when he couldn’t if we had been able to come together and tackle this as a team we could have still been together and he says he is tried to fix it with me but I’m telling you, it doesn’t feel that way on my end. These two things have been helping me. One, when fear takes hold (right now, fear that we Are right for each other and we’re meant to have an enduring love and his love is real and I’m losing a really good person because I made so many missteps that hurt him…..although if there was space for it to consider it he has made missteps that hurt me too, not least of all the sharp drop off in contact that triggered my anxiety in the first place, anyway, when I fear) I recite under my breath this mantra from this captain awkward letter response. This pain is a test of courage. I must face my fear! https://captainawkward.com/2011/02/09/reader-question-16-the-golden-retrieverkwisatz-haderach-of-love/amp/ And at night I’ve been listening to this meditation, it’s pretty kind I’ve got an appointment lined up with the psychologist too. This guy has shown me so many places I need to grow. It hurts. I sucks that I lost him in the process. But I’d better doing the growing at least.

I wish you would call. Yes we fell in a heap because we were seeing each other face to face for a couple of hours a week at best and I felt like I had to plead for that. But if we could have just made it to the end of the life situations that were keeping is apart, we could have caught our breath and worked out where to go from there. I wanted more than anything to see you again. I was so upset with you because we were getting no time together. You saw one communication break down and deemed us incompatible. You had problems you hinted at but you never sat me down in a calm moment and explained these are a real struggle for you and can we find a way to work through them. Even in the heat of the moment you would bring it up and I would ask you ‘how do we make space for you in this relationship’ and you say, ‘we’re focussing on you first’ or ‘it doesn’t matter’ ***! How am I meant to hear you if you don’t communicate? I miss you. I strategise how and when to reach out and then panic that I’ll get it wrong but you were totally strung out when you ended it. If you’d had a chance to catch your breath would you still have quit on us that easily? Is the reason actually something different you’re keeping to yourself? Is that you could handle waiting to have kids, or a communication break down but not both? Can’t we learn how to communicate better with each other? Don’t you want to do that? I do

I’m afraid that we can be good together and the communication break down could have been worked through if we’d only both been willing to do that but it’s ended and he will leave my city and go live somewhere else and the chance to heal the rift will be gone. (I guess this idealised version of him needs to be peeled back because In reality he was not down for that. Im looking for a partner that turns towards me and I spent so long believing he was the one who would). Not space, I stand and stare at the band on stage and listen to make sure the mix is still balanced. There is brief distraction when I’m first getting the levels right but once they are there it really takes care of itself. I’m muting effects in between songs and giving guitar solos a little volume bump but this is not enough to occupy my mind. There’s two of us techs working tonight and I have a couple of times asked the other one to take over for me so I can sneak some time out.

I’m doing a job where I can’t be on my phone or reading a book but it’s not mentally stimulating enough to distract me. I’ve tried breathing. And I’ve tried chanting ‘I must not fear! Fear is the mind killer, fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has past I will turn the inner eye to see it’s path. Where fear has gone there will be nothing, only I remain’. These are both helping a bit but more tools would be great I have retreated to the bathrooms to let some tears out, now I must return. The other day I was practicing mindfulness but it’s hard hard work and I’m not very practiced.

I would get up and do but I need the other 4 hours of sleep for any semblance of emotional stability at work. (All those suggestions I shall try one by one this coming Sunday though. It’s my first day off, it’s a day that he is free too. In another universe where he didn’t give up on me we would surely have been seeing each other that day.) Ill try thinking about yellow. There is a guided meditation I do sometimes where the guide asks me to picture myself inhaling a colour, all positive thoughts and good emergy and calm healing, exhale another colour all the negativity and pain from the day. I always picture yellow for the inhale (and black for the exhale, maybe it would be grey if the day had held less stress). This is pretty early days but it’s still excruciating. I’ve a psych apt lined up for next tuesday, I had acquired the apt before he even ended it. Just as well

You know how sometimes you wake up at the end of one sleep cycle and you’re pretty wide awake mentally but you’ve only had 4 hours sleep and your body feels like lead and now is not the time to be getting up and doing anything and all the bloody articles about it say this is pretty normal and people used to use this time for reading or having sex (bump the scab why don’t you?!) Does anyone have any suggestions of something I can maybe listen to to escape lying there having conversations in my head about reconciling with someone who doesn’t want to? I’ve been listening to a guided meditation about healing from a break up to get to sleep at night but if feels repetitious to put this on in this torturous mid sleep waking time.

Here I am still bargaining and hoping we can make it. In a week or so when it’s clear that’s not happening I’m combing through this thread and my others and writing down every single observed incompatibility/source of conflict that you’ve all be able to pick out from what I’ve shared and putting them on a master list of no.

He called me tonight, to see how I was. Not to reconcile. We talked, I told him where i was. He told me he felt like I was all talk but nothing changes. I said I never even reckoned with my anxiety before, I had this fantasy of him as the reassuring partner who’s steady presence would help me fix it when really I had agency this whole time and can take it in my own hands. This is a new thing for me. He said, ‘stick to the plan, let’s work on ourselves for now’ and he said, that he was a stable guy who likes stability in his life and being with me was like being on a roller coaster (my saying I was ready to move in with him and then stalling on it was given as an example although ultimately he became ok with that because maybe I was right and he was trying to go to fast, and he doesn’t at all understand where the last two weeks conflict have come from. My activated attachment trauma I think.) Although it would have been clear talking to me that I hadn’t lost heart and still wanted to work things out, I feel like I did a good job of staying calm and listening to him. (That’s his biggest problem, he feels like there’s no space for him in the relationship. And there, might be an incompatibility indeed because I am at a loss as to how to engage with him in a way that doesn’t make him feel like that. If we did relationship counselling maybe we could find out) and not pleading for us to get back together. So, I think he got hurt by my insecurity (which is foolish, he shouldn’t take it personally but I understand it) and he doesn’t trust I can change. There has been ice cream, and heater use (unheard of for me but it’s numbingly cold and lonely and I can fix the cold bit with the press of a button) and excessive journaling. And today I needed to move a lot of stuff out on the kerb for hardrubbish and my housemates all helped and we were industriously moving junk out of the driveway and it felt good to be getting rid of that stuff (like I’m moving my life in a good direction) and really good to have their support doing it.

He reached out. He’s been grappling with what happened on Friday all weekend and he can’t find a solution. I shared the push pull dynamic with him and he said he recognised it but his reasons for withdrawing were different. He said he’d tried everything he could think of to make me feel secure and it wasn’t that he wanted space and receiving that message didn’t make him feel any better (but he wasn’t engaging because the damage had been done Friday night. He’s not happy, I’m not happy, it shouldn’t be like this in a relationship). I asked if he’d been setting himself on fire to keep me warm, he said yes. We’re not compatible. He thinks we need to focus on ourselves right now. To clarify, you mean to break up don’t you? You’ll have to explain if you meant something else. Yes, you understood that right. I didn’t cry, I didn’t beg, I didn’t plead. I did tell him if he wanted to do relationship counselling I would very much be there for that. He said he’d think about it. I guess, I can see it too, that we are not clicking. And I still dream of over coming it, and that is the fantasy. Two people working together to navigate their differences. Meanwhile every other person outside of the relationship and now even him inside is calling it a losing hand. Just let it go. And I guess, I haven’t been the one on fire trying to keep the other warm. How I wish it hadn’t all happened like this. And that I had worked on my anxiety earlier. Although you may note, where is he working on himself in this? And I did ask him how do we make space for him in the relationship and he can never answer that with anything concrete. So I guess me saying I wish I could have made that space for him is just me over functioning at this stage. I knew this was coming and I don’t feel like the bottom just fell out of the world, but god it’s sad. So so so sad, we invested so much time in each other and we couldn’t make it work. I think I already missed him and grieved him in the last two weeks when I mistakenly felt like the relationship ended (and then my feelings caused the relationship to end. But, someone who naturally, instinctively wanted to connect with me when when they were busy, would definitely be a better match for me. And that is not he, and he hurt himself trying to be that person and then was hurt by me when it didn’t work. What a trap!) I guess at least now I can go for an extended working holiday overseas, which is an experience I think I need to have for personal growth. But it doesn’t feel right. Hollow consolation. And I guess at least now I’m back in the psychs office. This relationship might have taught me I still don’t love myself enough to form a meaningful connection with someone. So much sadness. He left the door open, call me any time. But I won’t do that unless we’re getting back together or it’s way in the future and I’m over him. God it took me so long to warm up to this guy and now I’m there, all in, needily invested. And he’s out.