1a1a

You can pull yourself out of this whole all by yourself (with the help of classes/hobbies/goals/social interactions/loved ones/therapy - definitely try and get your hands on a psychologist and if you can’t afford that, at the very least find and make friends with woebot on Facebook or download the app). And as you’re getting out of the hole, you might find yourself wondering do I really want a life partner who wouldn’t even offer me a hand? Yeah, he might feel overwhelmed by your neediness, and you can work on that. But what a ***ty way to communicate it? There are other partners out there for you who will either have the reserves of care enough to help you out and then nudge you into therapy or can at least communicate in a kind way that they can’t take this load on at the moment, and then nudge you into therapy. Being lonely in a relationship is worse than being alone and if your husband won’t come to the table and work with you I strongly recommend leaving him. Edit to add: Leaving when you have 4 kids is not exactly easy. So, you’d probably start by dreaming up what leaving would look like and how it could be done. And if there are logistics that make it near impossible right now then mentally reassign your partner as ‘the support that keeps the kids clothed and fed only’. Depressing but you will not be the first woman that stays for the stability, many brave sisters have gone before you. (In this case pulling yourself out of the hole is even more important!)

I think you can love your siblings and still refuse to share the burden of your mother’s emotions. If you can pull this off mentally, first of, the sibling email needs to be quarantined somewhere for looking at at designated times. Assume there will be stories of your mum’s sheer jerkiness in them. Vow never to argue or defend yourself against the criticisms. They are but the ramblings of a mad woman. Say something vaguely supportive and validating to your sibling ‘I’m sorry you’ve had to listen to that all morning, it sounds exhausting’. If you feel like it, maybe suggest to your siblings they don’t need to argue with your mum either ‘I disagree with your assessment of reude rivoli but I’m not hear to argue, now, how’s *insert subject change to something mum likes* going?’ Or ‘ok, subject change’ In short, all of you want to go grey rock (aka, be as boring as grey rocks in your responses to everything your mum says that’s obnoxious). I wish you all the strength required to get through this marathon.

Finally send a reply to my friend. I’m still pretty upset with her, feel like she kicked me when I was down. And I have very low expectations of her coming to the table in good faith. Based on Sunday. She’s just gonna read it, decide it’s not acceptable and that will be that. On the boy front I’m still missing him and thinking about him and hoping we get to the other side and get back together, better for this time apart. But I guess if we don’t we’ve both been single for a month. It can be done. See, the sun rises on another day. After drawing that boundary I woke up without anxiety for the first time since we split which is better. It creeps back in during the day though. I don’t know if that’s him or friend conflict though. I feel like I’m carrying two wounds now.

You might find this video helpful I know how you feel, it really sucks!

Seconding get a mental health care professional on your team. But also, be a lot more forgiving of yourself. You did what you needed to to survive and that’s not to be ashamed of (by which I mean not just conscious choices of actions but also instinctual in the thick of danger). And you made it, and he’s your ex now! You might find this video helpful for understanding your own actions

Don’t get stuck on how you got to 22 without these things, ask instead how to obtain them going forward. Drivers license is pretty straight forward, can you put the wheels in motion to get your hands on one of those? Friends is harder but not impossible. Scroll down this question answer for some tangible and philosophical approaches to expanding your social network. It’s time to start operation meet more people! https://captainawkward.com/2011/12/19/question-153-how-do-i-make-and-keep-friends/amp/

With exception of that terrible phone call, he’s always been able to come to the table and consider my perspective. I think, is the why. But it’s a good question that warrants further introspection. Save to say at the moment I’m still too hurt to come back to the table with what she’s seeking. Hopefully with more time.

She does and she could but today it felt like she just wanted to pick a fight. Feels like she’s angry I didn’t read her mind about wanting support from me. When I told her to tell me when she needs to vent (if hinting isn’t getting the desired result) she was condescending and sarcastic and told me not to speak to her again unless it’s to apologise. That’s not two friends working through a conflict. That’s accept my reality or *** off! I just revisited our conversation. Reading back over it gives me an intense feeling of ‘drop this and back away’, the entire thing is a curled up hedgehog. Every sentence is a pointed quill. Stab stab stab stab stab stab

As yesterday dragged out longer and longer and longer and no reply was forth coming I grew more sad and anxious that no reply ever would. (And why should it, we have split). This is what I mean by tying myself into knots (or, working myself in to a catastrophic state about how it’s over and hope is dead, lying in the gutter, blood mingling artfully with the rain). I mean, she asked me how my weekend was going yesterday. And I shared with her my anxiety and stress around the silence from the boy. And awaited a reply. I didn’t chase it with a how are you? I often do, remember to complete the social circuit and ask how the other person is going. Often even when I’m pretty upset about something. If there’s enough presence of mind I will ask. Yesterday there was not and she’s angry at me about that. Maybe she feels this has been a one sided relationship for a while. From my perspective she pulled away a lot when she got a partner. I didn’t lay my feelings of abandonment on her but I definitely felt them. I don’t feel like I’ve needed or asked for much emotional support over the last two years. She’s always too busy to catch up, I stopped asking.

He just called me back now he’s alone. I found out he didn’t do anything yesterday, just hide in his room and get food and coffee delivered on Uber eats. He’s spent over $400 in the last 3 days. He went to play cricket today but with his heart breaking everything sucks and he quit the team (I hope he goes back). I hate this for us. So we’re doing 1 month no contact, the date is set to meet for brunch, it’s in the calendar. God I hope we both have more clarity on the other side of it. I told him I’d rather not have a timeline on having a baby and I understood that’s a scary and anxiety inducing thought for him but for me it would feel like we got to make the let’s have kids decision together. I’m asking so much of him, big things, life changing things, same as he asked of me. Maybe in a month of solitude he’ll have a better idea of if he really loves me enough to pay a price of admission that high. In a month of solitude I should have my travel plans mapped out and my house decluttered. Maybe that will be valuable information for both of us too. When I suggested a month no contact he suggested we talk every day. But no, that’s two people staying together because they can’t handle being apart right? I don’t want that for us. I want us to be happy even if that means making a clean break. This isn’t happiness. I’m not happy, he’s not happy, something has to change. Why does this feel like the hardest thing I’ve ever done?

I sent him some texts on Friday, he didn’t reply. Saturday he didn’t reply. I tied myself up in knots sitting in the front row for the show where he actively de prioritises me (as he must). He just called and asked how I was (do you want the really honest answer? ‘Yes’) I said I was really sad about him leaving it two days to get in touch and I felt like I front row seats to him de prioritising me. He asked if I’d like to go to lunch. I said I would but I feel like we’re perpetually breaking up and it hurts so I’d better not. He said ok. At the same time I got an essay from a friend who is more than done hearing me talk about this relationship and upset with me because I haven’t asked her she’s going (answer not great). She asked me how I was yesterday and I told her what was going on with the boy. A lot of worry and anxiety and stress there. She’s angry that I keep making this choice and keep trying to talk to her about it (you asked me how I was!!!!) and then she was angry when I said I felt like she should say she needs to vent and she’s angry still. I’ve muted the conversation with her. Just painful thing after painful thing after painful thing

No good advice, just mountains and mountains and mountains of solidarity. It’s really hard to move on when we didn’t end it and we’re hoping they’ll change their mind. Like holding onto the knife blade that severed the relationship as if somehow that can stop them from leaving (it doesn’t, just cuts up your hands). The quickest path to recovery is to go no contact. My ex hasn’t forced this on me, he’s simply not bothering to reply to my last message, which I hate, and he knows that causes me anxiety. Not even the 10 seconds to say he doesn’t want to reply right now. That’s what holding onto the knife blade has brought me. A front row seat to his process of demoting me as low priority in his life. I think you need to decide if you’re keeping the dog, or letting her keep the dog and go no contact. That’s the best advice anyway, never hope to reconcile, it could happen later but plan your life now as if it never will. I’ll do the same *solidarity fist bump*

I just woke up from some unproductive dream about us, felt troubled about us separating, remembered my scooter is lost to arsehole and then (literally) felt a rumbling intensify and die away. Was that an earthquake?!!! I’ve never felt one before. That was creepy! I feel so much foreboding doom (also it’s 7.30am and the sun is rising and with only 2 hours sleep I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus). I have been so slow to get to understanding that Bolt. But this feels like being dumped over and over again. No contact surely has to hurt less. *jumps back on the classifieds to see what’s there* if I can snap up a secondhand one that will be awesome. I know what I’m looking for this time around. (I think maybe they don’t sell like hotcakes in my neck of the woods and not many people have them let alone have and want to sell). It’s such a useful thing to have id pony up the coin for a new one (and hopefully forget my loss faster once the inconvenience is mitigated).

It wasn’t even a bad night. But as the day drew out longer and longer and my ex continued to not reply to my last message the serious, real, permanence of the break up felt more and more true along with attendant sense of being abandoned and was all that about loving me just love bombing smoke and mirrors? I had to work late filling in for someone else, I got really tired, almost falling asleep at my desk. When I finally knocked off I found my little kick board scooter that I bought when I was touring around Australia and have used extensively ever since, was gone. Security guard when asked said he saw an aboriginal couple cracking the lock about 15 minutes previous. He thought it must be there’s because they worked out the code. I stopped by the police station to make a report. What’s the odds the scooter is now in the southern parklands with the indig mob that hang out there? Not inconceivable. But I haven’t got the balls to look. While I was making my report, a steady procession of people having worse nights than me filtered in and out of the police station. A woman outside almost died. A guy I know from the Latin dance scene came in to make a report because he got into an argument with a taxi driver and the taxi driver hit him with his car. My stolen scooter feels soooo trivial compared to everyone else’s problems. But I earnt a fraction of what it will cost to replace tonight. And I have already had so much stuff stolen from me in the last half a year. I know we’re meant to have no earthly attachments but this is so hard. And it’s late, my friends are asleep, my partner is now my ex. So much for being there for me. I know I’m not alone but I feel so so so so alone, and crushingly sad, and tired, and there’s another half an hour drive between me and the potential to sleep.

I strongly suspect many guys swipe right on every profile

A different thought. Alcohol has allowed you to stand still and not work through things that have hurt you. Can you/will you grapple with your pain and do you want to keep standing still or is it time to move forward? What would/could you do with all that time you have previously spent drinking?

Love, love, love everything written here!!! At the moment I’m leaning a lot closer to - go and do the working holiday. It seems counter intuitive to leave someone I feel like I want to be with but for me to be with him a long time we both have to want this thing that closes the door on the experience of a working holiday for me permanently. And it’s a thing I want to do. The only thing on my bucket list is ‘work big metal festivals in Germany’. My feet have been itching for a good 5 years, fear/laziness/money/covid have kept me grounded but I want this thing enough I have been not putting down roots in tangible ways (not joining more bands, not getting more pets, identifying and still failing to execute operation purge most of your belongings, buy a house so you have somewhere you can leave said belongs where paying the rent on it is at least paying off the mortgage! because I know I’m going to leave for a while). I can travel then have kids but I can’t have kids then travel, not that kind of travel anyway. It would be very cool if he didn’t mind me getting in that experience first, especially if he was willing to do long distance again. But also a far too big an ask and making him delay on his one bucket list item. (Plus every thing mentioned about does this guy actually like you?! He did tell me the other night a very long list of things he liked, maybe 20 items. But you can like a lot about a person and still be a bad match). I’ll keep sitting with these thoughts, I have all of the time in the world to let them solidify since any ‘us’ conversations are off the table for the next month. Either way, the inconsolable grief seems to have given way to just mere sadness. And here a fire has been lit under me to improve and go and do some things…. I feel like I got more out of this experience than he did.

*grins at the Hot Fuzz reference* I think, it doesn’t feel insulting in the moment and maybe that has something to do with tone. I suppose it could be a neg though. Even couched in a ‘this isn’t a deal breaker for me but’. *sighs* if it seems vague to you it probably is. Really the only person who can give me clarity is me but I don’t know how to get there. Apt with the psychologist is in the process of being obtained (with low expectations because I’ve yet to find them particularly helpful but let’s try all the same.) Batya, how do you differentiate between the kind of plan making you’re meant to do in a serious relationship and not promising something you won’t be able to deliver on? I feel like, part of showing up for your partner, if I choose this man to be mine, is following through on the plan once we make it. Which we did, and it’s damning that I hesitated when it was green lit. And what parts stand out as unhealthy? Because I experience something like the other night and come away impressed, thinking that we do ok at talking through serious conflict. And also that he’s really trying to accomodate me (maybe that’s the unhealthy part?) I think it could be both, he’s extra sensitive and I’m extra lax (I shower every day but I kinda slacked off with soap in 2020 and clearly need to get back in the habit). I asked a friend to sniff my head and she said it had a smell but it wasn’t particularly strong or unpleasant, maybe like a hair smell. Assuming best faith, let’s say this guy just has a very sensitive nose and that’s part of the price of admission with him.

We caught up last night to see a couple of shows and it was kind of magical. The chemistry was for sure still there. I wanted to touch him but I didn't. After a while he did though, put his arm around me to guide me in a direction. Between show one and show two we both rode on a scooter between the venues, that's a lot lot physically closer than I thought we'd be getting that night. (And I later found out that although he loved the experience and the memory and didn't say anything because he didn't want to ruin it he did struggle with the smell of my scalp). After the shows we had a loooooooong talk, and he had come around. On the kids timeline. To two years, first year travel then live together then surely we will know. He'd been speaking to his friends and one of them said that it wasn't two years specifically for me but the level of relationship strength and trust that one might expect to have established by then. And I'd said this in my own way too. That I want to start a family with someone I'm serious about and have been with for a while and we know each other inside and out. And I don't think you can learn all that in 12 months. The other big thing that has caused him hesitation is feeling like he can't voice any problem without me getting defensive and thinking he wants to end it. Him being a person with a very sensitive nose and finding that I often smell like sweat, he'd like to be able to bring it up and that lead to me resolving that rather than saying I can't do the things that would fix it. (He thinks I need to start shaving my underarms because the hair traps smell. Let me up my soap use first please, the feeling that I don't ever want to shave again is very strong in me.) And we Got there, kind of, I'm going to try and react differently to constructive criticism (the kind of is because I've had no opportunity to put it into practice yet and I have to keep it in my mind to act on it). He's allowing some uncertainty into his life resuming dating me when he's a person who highly values stability. And then it was a green light, ok, we'll date, your way, then travel around Australia and live together, then start a family in 2 years. And I balked. Because really two years still feels early to me and I should have said 3 from the start but I was desperately trying to meet him closer to where he is. I'm back at the fork in the road. Two really dramatically different life trajectories. One, adventures, see the world, have those experiences I Know I'm going to get to the other side of them and go "home city is the best place in the world and I can happily spend the rest of my life there". And normally I think when people have this itch there's a bit of wanting to be single so you can intimately get to know the locals and be alone so you can go where ever you want but I don't feel either of those, I just feel like I can't spend my whole life in my home city without ever living anywhere else, this is a big big big world and I'll have experienced no more than a tiny pocket of it. And you can do this now, or you can do this the other side of our relationship if it doesn't work out. But you absolutely can't do it once you have a kid! Never like that, not on a shoe string. Sure I can still travel, with the youngling in tow, we'd have a great adventure but it would be a more expensive operation and a completely different experience. The other fork, I have a serious chance at a loving, long term, committed relationship and starting a family with someone who seems to willing and capable of going away and thinking about the conflicts we have and coming back with ideas and hope to resolve them. I think that might be very important in a partner. I don't think he's the only man in the world who will do that with me. But he is the one I'm entangled with now, the one that maintained and grew a connection with me for 1 and a half years long distance and then closed the geographical gap the moment he was able to. And I can't feel it now, and I feel like the door closing on this will be all sneaky shades of grey, but like having the kid Absolutely slams the door shut on ever having that working holiday experience, taking the working holiday now, closes the door on a Relationship with this guy and it might close the door on being a mum too. I woke up this morning feeling that feeling that you feel when something is over. And knowing it was me that made it over. With the change of one priority I could join him in meeting in the middle and make this work and go on a different kind of adventure that I also want to have. I've seen Into the Wild. I know that it's not the places you go but the people you go there with that make for a happy and fulfilling life. Why do I still feel like I need to have this living out of home city experience even at the cost of love? How Firmly I wish I'd done this 7 years ago when my last relationship ended (although I was so miserable then I don't know, I might have just stayed miserable the whole time, but in the aftermath of heart break is the right time to do the thing. And if I needed to get this done, why was I even on the dating apps looking for a partner to settle down with?!) I don't know how to navigate this. But we have left is as friends (because for him, if we spent another two years being partners and then it had to end, he doesn't think he could bare the pain of coming apart), that are still going to see each other for brunches and hikes. Because if we don't work out I don't think he'll stay in my city for a long time and I want to make the most of him being here. And I think because the thought of less of that makes it impossible to let go of him (literally, we were standing by my car in an embrace and it was really hard to let go because it might be the last time). And he gets incredibly busy with his new job now. So, head down, he's going to bury himself in work. And I need to find clarity, the clarity I thought I had, but in the last 10 days of intense insecurity (me thinking it had ended and hoping to get him back and making changes to try and help that happen but I see now the changes I'm making are low hanging fruit and there is a more crucial change that needs to happen, if it can happen, which is so much harder to get at, aka, am I willing to let go of the travel experience, or go now and get it out of the way, how do I get myself to a point where I'm ready to settle?!!!), the conviction I had about skipping travel faded with every bit of doubt I had about us coming back together (and this is all in me. Perfect example, he'll take 24 hours to reply to a message and I'll think it's fading, this isn't going to work out, even though, every single time, he does reply, and the reply is long, and invested, and full of suggestions of things we can do/invitations to do those things). I don't know how to achieve this clarity, but I think it's not enough to make the list of things I want to do, I have to actually plan for doing them and then execute that plan. So I'm going to do that and give him space and never bring up the subject of us dating ever again unless it's to say, I've reached a state of clarity and I want to do this (invitation to travel with me/settle down with me if that's what I realise). You were right, we don't want the same things (close but painfully misaligned timelines), I did draw out the inevitable pain by not letting him walk. I've never had a relationship end for some reason other than one of us not feeling it anymore. This is so much harder! (And still, not necessarily over, but I absolutely can't give him what he needs even after he's shaved that need down to a much more manageable size *hangs head* so it Is over as long as that remains the case.)

Left to my own thoughts longer, I feel hurt that he wants to be a dad more than he wants to have a relationship with me that actually gets to grow organically. (Especially because this has come out of nowhere). Then I think about our terrible phone conversation and how he said he ‘doesn’t hear people when their voices go high pitched’ (you know because they’re too emotionally distressed to bother trying to deal with right now). That doesn’t bode well. *imagines him and I and a grumpy baby and no one has had any sleep and he won’t work with me to resolve something because my voice is raised* that doesn’t seem kind. That doesn’t seem like the kind of person who could be kind to me in a crisis.

Against all common wisdom and better judgement I’m still in contact with him. I invited him for a walk, the same day as the cd pick up. I was driving to his suburb anyway and it seemed strange to go and not see him and if I’ve learned anything about him over the last week it’s that his actions don’t exactly back up the claim that he doesn’t want to do this (maybe this is just the hang over of emotional attachment for him but the thing that breaks us remains). He didn’t come walking because he was too tired but he offered brunch the next day. It was all in all really enjoyable. That’s the kind of dates I would have liked to go on with him BEFORE bringing serious life stuff into the picture (except for the when baby question he should have asked that the day he realised it wanted it to be now!) I left thinking ‘alright, I think I can do this for maybe one or two months and if it hasn’t moved from situationship to reconciliation or friendship by then I’ll drop it’. The next day I saw a cool show and invited him to it. (What is this, 1a1a doing all the leg work?! This is very very familiar and not in a I’ve learnt my lesson kind of way. No more invitations after this one unless he gives me reciprocity). I got no reply until this afternoon (this is pretty normal for him even when we were together) but in the silence I started thinking this thought, every one I’ve spoken to who is thinking about having kids or has had them, they got to spend time together as a couple first, more than 2 months. Why doesn’t he want that for us? I thought of all the things I dreamed of doing with him when he came back. Why doesn’t he want to do any of that? It’s not fair. Why do we have to skip this stage of the relationship and go straight to parenthood?! So I guess since I’ve been left time to think, two things have become clear to me. I want to have kids in the future. And I’m going to feel cheated of the getting to know you part of the relationship if I do it on his timeline. I want that experience to be a progression on from a steady, established, long relationship. *sigh* and if he really doesn’t want that, then I am stringing him along. The thought has continued to eat at me tonight (work is not distracting enough). It’s like feeling it end all over again. This is why staying in touch bumps the scab and prevents the wound from healing. Then I think, only a man who wants for no thing can stand in the middle of the forest and be happy. If I!!!!! Let go of the relationship, I can enjoy his friendship, without bumping the scab. But what does he want? Believe people when they tell you things. He told me he doesn’t want this. (Even though he keeps not acting like that). Believe him! (Except he set the precedent way back in the beginning when I asked to be friends instead of dating and he agreed and continued to spend time with me and give me flowers every time we met. So I would know how he felt still. But despite how he felt he was happy to be friends. How did he manage that? Why can’t I? There was so much I wanted to do with him. ) We meet tomorrow to see the show. Maybe at the end I’ll ask him how long he would have kept bringing flowers. And also, why he’s still seeing me when he doesn’t stay friends with exes. Maybe I’ll ask one more time what’s in his heart. Maybe just leave it. I don’t know. Being dumped by someone who still has feelings for you is so hard!

I always prefer a man with long hair. It’s a signifier that they’re probably going to share some values with me (or maybe not, but at the very least we both refuse to conform to how society says we’re meant to look!) Don’t know how to fix the attachment traumas. (Although I watched a 30 minute video by Alan Robarge about having an activated anxious attachment trauma that stared right into my soul. Maybe have a nose around his channel, he might do vids on avoidant as well. ) But I am stopping by to offer a giant *fist bump* for working on it. I hope we’re both victorious!

Assume nothing about him is going to change. How much longer do you want to date him? 3 weeks? 6 months? A year? 5?

I experienced that for 5 years and I think in my heart of hearts I wasn’t ready to be vulnerable again, and so the available/interested people immediately were boring and unattractive to me. Read He’s Scared She’s Scared by Julia Sokol and Steven Carter, it might be Illuminating. Second the try and meet some people in a context where you’ll see them regularly but it’s not about dating. The unattractive ones might creep up on you with their personalities and the experience of interacting with them.

I feel like the damage has already been done to the foundation of your relationship (by how he’s expressing his struggles, and maybe by the whatever distance naturally crept in as you both live your lives). If you did want to give this one more chance I would suggest two things. Thing one, schedule the phone call like a proper date or catch up and make sure you have your phone on you at the appointed time. If this is coming from an anxiety place this might take the edge off of it for him, and you too, as you neatly side step the situation that’s filled with this landmine. The other thing is to tell him once when you’re both calm that this is what you feel like is happening and you hate it and won’t tolerate it anymore. When he’s short with you on the phone you’ll be ending the phone call and waiting until tomorrow to talk to him. Make that boundary. And enforce it diligently. No more assuaging him in the moment.