Hunter74

Thanks for the kind words. The journal might be a good idea. I plan on keeping the space. Honestly just want to know if she is doing alright, even though she's probably not. And to add also, the other time we did fight and went on a break, I've always always told her, if you ever have a problem, tell me, please, so we can work through it together and grow. Not to put blame on her because she deserves none, but she would have trouble expressing her problems to people if its about them. And not just in our relationship, but her other family and friend ones. But im no better, I have the same problem sometimes and have been working on that since I was young, just wish I talked to her more about it.

I have done that many times. And I can honestly say that if she did the same to me, I would be upset, but I would want to work through it still. Is that wrong to feel? Am I being too naïve with my feelings in thinking so? Or do I just care that much about her? I don't know. I think the main thing that gets me is she said she still loves me. And I somewhat think that if that were true she would still want to talk and work things out. Am I wrong for that? I'm not asking to get back together now or soon, I really just want to talk to her whenever we both have our space, and talk about how it ended and if how it ended was really how we want us to end. I don't know. At the very least i just feel like we, or maybe just me, need closure for the relationship. Thank you for your response

I agree with the both of you. But it's really not that I want to talk to other girls or that I found it exciting, it was the complete opposite. And yes, the same question comes up, why then? Spur of the moment I'm sort of in the mood and saw this model account and sent a DM only to feel awful about it for apparent reasons, then stop it there and take it no further. I'm not looking for excuses, I'm owning my mistakes. And if I were in her situation I would feel the same, betrayed, and although it didn't happen to me, I feel I would still try. But I'm not her and that is the bottom line. But I know I wouldn't do it again, and i know it doesn't seem believable, because its not. But I know my feelings, and im trying to change now and for the better, and hopefully that can show her maybe I'd be worth another chance. But im not going to chase her, I understand that it's her choose to make now and I can only wait. And thanks for the response.

First time doing anything like this so bare with me i suppose. Last week my SO and I went on a little trip into our city to stay in a hotel for the start of her spring break and to relax a lot and have some alone time together without being in one of our parents homes. The trip was great and everything was good up to this point, we have had rough patches before but we have only really fought about twice during our whole relationship. One night at the hotel were looking for some puzzles on our phones in the app store. Now i don't use the app store at all, and haven't used it since that day for over a year, so when i opened the search bar she saw that tinder was a "recent" search. At first i didn't know she saw it and she didn't say anything to me and we went about our day like nothing and she never mentioned it or let me explain it to her. On our last day there we wake up and i grab a shower and while I'm in there she goes in my phone and looks in my Instagram. Now, here is where she found a message i sent to a model account. Now I don't know why I did this, I never wanted anything to come of it or expected to, nor was i planning on buying anything the account would be selling. It was only one message I sent and it was a camera emoji and a question mark. It was ***ing dumb of me, and I'm still trying to figure out myself why I did something so stupid when I wasn't trying to gain anything out of it. But she saw this message and once again didnt say anything to me. She's a very anxious person. I try to help her but sometimes i feel i make it worse. This situation happened once before, with me messaging a dumb model account saying "whatchu got." This was just for ***s and giggles, me being a stupid 21 yr old trying to get some humor out of a dm from a pornstar basically. But back too the last night of the hotel. The day is fine and were just packing up and getting ready to head home, unbeknownst to me that she looked in my instagram. Later we leave the hotel and the car ride was a little quiet and she seemed slightly anxious about something. So I tried helping a little, trying to crack some more jokes, play with her hair because that helps calm her down a lot. It seemed to work and we were heading to the store to grab a card for her moms birthday since it was that day as well, and in the store everything felt normal. I had no clue that in her head she has already broken up with. We eventually left the store and i took her home, helped her take her luggage in and talked a little to her family, then we did our usual kiss and i love you and i left, planning on coming back in a few hours for dinner there since it was her mothers birthday. Once i got home though she said wanted to talk. So over the next few hours we talk about everything. It was a lot but her main reason for being angry was she said that i had broken her trust, and she was confused as to why i would do the same thing again, after we had already had a fight over the same thing essentially. And honestly i dont have a good answer as to why i sent those stupid dms. And i told her that, i confessed everything and i owned my mistakes. Eventually i go to her house later that night so we can talk in person and not over text. At this point it was about 5 hours later from the initial start of the conversation, and i am already extremally paranoid and anxious and depressed. Once i get there and we talk and i try explaining everything it only seems to make it worse. And it this point, I cant lie I am on the brink of breaking down because I know what is about to happen. I ask her what i can do to show her im not talking to other women romantically, or to get any type of sexual favor or pictures, and she asks me to download tinder again and to look at it. And i agreed, because i havnt used tinder in a long time and i thought i didnt have any recent messages or anything on there. But i guess i was wrong because she saw 3 messages between me and another girl from May of 21. And we she saw this and told me, she had to stop herself from crying and then said itd probably be best to leave. I didnt know at the time where the messages came from and i didnt remember sending any of the messages i saw. So at this point i am hysterical, trying to explain to her that I dont know what they are from, and that I never remembered sending them. And i truly didnt at the time, but she didnt care or believe me really because we were together since 2018. (I remembered today that i did send those tinder messages, and i looked at the dates, and it was at a time when we had a fight and we went on a break from each other for like 3 days. I remember downloading tinder. I was desperately looking for attention i think because i couldnt talk to the woman i loved so much and it only made me feel more empty inside, it didn't feel right and i deleted the same day. And the next day or so we met back up to talk and we both had a moment and broke down because we both knew we were making a mistake being away form each other.) I tried pleading to her, asking if she still loves me with which she replied "yes a lot, but love isn't everything, I don't trust you anymore and I don't think I can again" This broke me to the core, the pain I feel isn't like anything i ever imagined it would if her and I broke up. I've been fully cheated on in a year long relationship as well, and this was a trillion times worse. We had a future together, we had plans to move out of state when she done with nursing school, we talked about kids, a lot, and we wanted some when we were both financially stable. Being with her finally made me feel like a person, and a loved one who i could share my thoughts and feelings with, grow old with and not have a second that I ever made a mistake in my life because I was with her. A few months ago I gave her a promise ring. She loved it and when she put it on, I felt complete. Like I finally did something right in my life and secured a smart beautiful woman who I can grow with and be a better person than I was before. But now that world has shattered, and I don't know what to do. Im taking the blame in everything, and always have owned my mistakes, because she was a woman I felt I didn't deserve and I never wanted to do anything that I thought would hurt our future. I take full responsibility for the breakup, but I don't want this at all. And Im so scared I will never get to see her again, hold her hand and listen to her infectious laugh again. I'm scared I'm going to go back into a dark place that she helped me climb out of. Im scared that I hurt her so much that she is scared now and not only will she not take me back but never truly be happy in a relationship, and all I have every wanted for her is to be happy. Now I feel that she may hate me and just completely erase me from her life. Seems trivial but within the few hours we broke up she deleted pictures of us off her insta and then unadded me on snap. But I understand that, just worries me a lot. I have no idea if she blocked my number and im honestly terrified of finding out. I haven't had any contact with her since the breakup, she did text my mother the morning after we broke up asking if I made it home alright because I left her house really upset. Everyday I fight the urges to text her, leaving her with her space in hopes that she will find a way to want make us work again. I almost sent her flowers already and had to stop myself. Everyday feels like hell now, I barely eat and I feel as if im making myself sick subconsciously. Im trying to talk as much as I can without choking up. Taking my dog on my walks, and thinking about going the gym again. But I have no motivation, barely any to breath. Not sure what im trying to get out of this post. Not even sure if anyone will respond, but maybe just doing this post will help take some weight off my soul. I guess id like to hear peoples opinions on if I really am a ***head or not, and some advice if there's any to give. Feel like the only thing im hanging onto is the thought that maybe, we may be together again one day.