1a1a

I’m starting to think that Americans and Australians are not quite describing the same thing when they say pushed past someone

As the sun sets on today what remains is that I have things to work on and I feel defeated and sad because trying to form some kind of a relationship with my nana already felt hard (and if I don’t try now there may not be the opportunity to later) and now I live much further away making it even harder.

A drongo is a dropkick. I think pin auto corrected to ping. Translated; they can only try and convict the suspect of driving an unlawfully obtained vehicle. (But they are confident this charge will stick and he’ll go back to gaol as he’s a serial offender). yep, all my gear is gone, they even cleared out my dirty plates, empty cd cases and receipts for fuel. It’s effort to clear out the cabin of personal effects and they went to it. The only thing I got to keep was a cd that was in the player, that’s a small consolation though because I like that album a lot and would have replaced it if they’d taken it too.

The thing I do regret is yelling at him. Not going past him though. No amount of devils advocating will undo the impression he gave me in that moment that his no was the No of a bully. And it is possible that was not the case I can’t rule that out but I was in the situation picking up on cues I can’t objectively relay in telling the story. The way it’s being reflected back here I reflexively want to defend, I didn’t push anyone with my hands. More of like a when you pass someone in close quarters and you can’t do so without brushing past them. Especially the jerk guy, I worried his spite would extend to actively restraining me and didn’t want to give him the chance to. I wouldn’t feel like someone who passed me this way had ‘pushed’ me but others might and I’m trying to be open minded to that. The fact that I think he was a jerk intentionally being a jerk doesn’t ultimately change the fact that I would like to never react like that again though so I will come back to this with a clear head and try and internalise what you’re all saying. I think my fuse is normally a lot longer, and when life collaborates to shorten it I’m in new territory I don’t know how to deal with it well. (And life has been throwing a deluge of fuse shortening things at me lately, housing instability, long hours at work, no social interaction, pressure pressure pressure). I thought I came away from that assault pretty unscathed mentally, surprisingly. I’d been watching a lot of violence in gangster and detective dramas and it felt like my brain placed it in that context. But after today clearly I was wrong and there is a wound there still. Left the house late because I’ve been here for a month, unpacked nothing, and I’m stuck on need shed, don’t have a shed, have to fix this. The pressure of wanting to form a relationship with my nana pressing up against the pressure to get on top of the house 😞 I have in the past prioritised the family bond forming and after work and that the house is a bomb site. There isn’t enough time for all three but really I hate living like this. Thank you all for taking the time to offer your perspectives. This year keeps trying to teach me lessons and all of them have been worth trying to learn and awfully painful *grimace grin*

Here is a wound you still have and it’s been bumped and that hurts. And it’s ok, I think (I mean pretty normal). What can you do for the rest of today that is being kind to yourself? Tomorrow you can think about how to help that wound heal perhaps, maybe look into what catfeeder is trying to teach you (me too on a different thread) but today just be gentle with yourself I think.

A friend connected my reaction to this with being assaulted last year, maybe there’s unresolved feeling there. I suppose that makes sense, last time someone acted in a way that I perceived to be a breach of the social contract, shortly there after they ensured my nose was also broken. Catfeeder, are these thoughts you at some point practiced bringing to mind when about to navigate something where you would have to wait for other, slower people? (I like the perception shift and I’m wondering how you internalise/habitualise it….I think maybe sometimes I successfully do this when stuck behind slow cars) I think I would have to be god tier at that kind of thinking to not see this guy as being pure antagonism though. As much as he could have had a most excellent reason to stand on one side of the elevator and lean his entire body towards the other side as he rested his arm on the opposite hand rail, and absolutely no obligation to explain them to me, I think there are ways he could have communicated that wouldn’t have radiated ‘*** you, you will bend to my will today’.

I was suppose to have lunch with my nana and mum today and I ran late, so late, like going to see them for 20 minutes before they have to leave late. After driving 50 minutes to where they are. I knew at the start of the trip it would be a long drive for a short visit but I still felt the pressure of being late and the length of the journey. And one of the reasons I ran late is because I was trying to get stuff of life stuff done around the house because when I get back from these trips I’m too tired and it just never happens and then I have work and it still never happens and my life is disordered chaos and it’s totally overwhelming. I’ve reached the shopping centre and I’m looking for the cafe, is it up the escalator? Two slow people are patiently riding up it and I slip past them (or push? I hope they didn’t feel pushed but they might of). At the top I see no cafe and I about turn and go back down, my 20 minutes is ebbing away by the second. Half way down is a guy blocking the whole escalator by the way he’s standing. I say some variation on may I pass (with an excuse me? Without? I don’t know, I don’t remember, it doesn’t matter. Everyone understands the social contract, someone asks if they can pass it’s not really a question, it’s a direction to move out of the way). This guy says no! I can’t believe my ears, who does he think he is? I duck underneath his arm and push past him. He’s saying something, I’m off the escalator and looking back screaming at him that he’s a jerk. Whatever I was feeling before, stress probably, I’m now upset and the feeling is intensifing. By the time I reach the cafe I’m Really upset. Last year when those two bogans stalked me through a mall to assault me and the woman punched me in the face, suddenly I think I know how she felt. I’m so upset by this guy I wish I could do the same. I couldn’t shake it off. Turns out my aunt was there too today, and her and my mum are both social workers. My mum says ‘he’s probably had a lot of trauma in his life’ (1a1a cannot run compassionate kindness.exe) my aunt says ‘this reaction is exactly what he wants. You have the capacity to take back control. Take control of this’ (1a1a cannot run perspectiveshift.exe). Today I’m the box of nitro and all it took was one denied request to pass (where having to wait would have cost me seconds at best and I exploded, or imploded. That oxygen thief has gone about his day and It’s now half an hour later and my family have left for their appointment and I’m hiding in the toilets crying (trying to process this feeling I guess). I feel like I Want to explode, and smash stuff, especially him, but anything, after that interaction I feel very stabby) (although past experiences with breaking things as a means to release that feeling suggest it is a completely ineffective method and I will just feel bad about breaking the thing

That iPad has continued to update its location as approximately where it is but still only within a radius of about 10 different addresses. Too many. Still sent them all to the detective on the van case just in case someone known lives near there.

I diiiiid, a fortnight from the day it was taken the cops called. I found out later it had been involved in a string of crime, fuel drive offs, stealing another van from ikea and copper theft. Maybe mainly copper theft, it’s a bit of a racket, steal a van, use it to break down the fence of the building site and steal the copper. It sure looked like it had spent the last 2 weeks being a battering ram, it wasn’t in great shape, or road worthy. Alas, they can only ping the drongo that was driving it with driving an unlawfully obtained vehicle. And searching the house he shares with his mum yielded no loot.

Last night an iPad of mine that hasn’t been turned on in months (and wasn’t necessarily stolen but I have been robbed 3 times in the last half a year so it’s not inconceivable it was) showed up on the other side of town. I definitely haven’t charged that. Woah! This is a lead, maybe I can recover more of my things! But it was already a couple of hours past bed time and driving there would have kept me up at least another hour and the find my phone location gets you close but not close enough. So I let the cops know and went to sleep. They just called me back about it and I checked on find my phone again, it’s dead, last location approx the same area on that road but now a slightly different address. The cop on the phone made a note but was so dismissive. I tried to tell him the name of the guy that was later caught driving my van and he was like ‘that’s all circumstantial’. Well yes, it is. Isn’t that why it’s relevant? Arsehole mcarsehole is caught driving my van and then my ipad shows up at the house three doors down from his best mates? The iPad location by itself is no help, if it points you near someone connected with him isn’t that suspicious as hell?!! Anyway, I’m solidly disappointed it went flat. And it’s extra annoying because I had accepted all my equipment was gone and for a brief window here was some hope I could recover it, a live Idevice, and it’s knocked my acceptance back

Label that letter with ‘savage indignation’ and burn it. I have a few ‘savage indignation’ letters that needed to be manifest in the world but never sent. It’s definitely Ill adviced to hold onto it hence the burning but some things have to be said, even if it’s just out loud to yourself!

Let’s imagine even for a second that he was still invested in the relationship (I don’t think he is), do you want from a life partner, someone who wants to be this uninvolved in your life? You can ask him to engage with you more and he might even try but if that desire isn’t already in him this thing is a dead relationship walking. Let it go and no longer dash yourself against the rocks of his disinterest. Edit to add: this is such a shifty way to end a relationship. Like peeling the Band-Aid off really slowly all the while stabbing you in the eyes. I’m sorry he’s acting with such poor character 😞 and glad that this relationship with someone who tackles the awkward things in life in such a bad and hurtful way is ending.

Co signing you need to break up with your boyfriend. Also I’m sorry your ex bumped the scab, keep working on healing, you will get there (just remember to keep choosing anything but him, even though you miss him, you know that relationship isn’t viable and is gonna bring you pain!)

Too many people, I’m a blabber mouth. On the 15th I hand over the keys. I lose both any chance of busting the thief coming back for 4th and any danger of that happening (unless they know my new address which is reeeeeeaally going to narrow down the pool of suspects). The cops know the make and model and rego and didn’t seem to care to know anything else. They didn’t want to know what was in it ‘because some cars are recovered and returned with the contents intact and then those listed items get registered as stolen when they’ve been recovered’ (for real? Are you really being serious right now?!) It’s a 2008 Mitsubishi van. Not that old but they have No frills. Not even central locking. In Australia third party bodily insurance is compulsory but third party property is your own responsibility. Like all insurances I’ve never felt like I could afford it on such erratic income. I’m in a ridiculously quiet suburb. But this ****hole knows where I live. I’m in the thick of moving house now and both my parents and my housemates mum have picked up the slack to pack and clean while I work and waste time getting cctv up and running (which was actually so easy to do and I hate myself even more for not doing it two months ago) and that’s both sweet and legendary of them but it’s depressing that I’m failing at adulting so hard right now! Absolutely no sign of my van. And moving without it sucks and depression persists despite the various friends and family trying to pick me back up (maybe it would be worse without them). If moving day wasn’t upon me I think I would have gone the storage route for the av equipment at this point. May as well be leaving my stuff on the side of the road in that house. Often times I can console myself reading other peoples stories about times similar things happened to them but ‘robbed three times and they stole my van’ is awfully specific. I’m sure someone somewhere can relate but I can’t find them. So I howl into the void here and appreciate those who hear me.

I just found the keys to my van. So the thief didn’t have them from last time. This wasn’t a return to gank the car with the keys scored in the last hit but a return and force entry/ignition. A real step up in the seriousness of the laws broken. (Also strongly suggests they’re not above cutting padlocks or breaking windows at this stage.) Don’t know how to feel.

Seconding being overloaded with tasks/responsibilities and underslept, increases my irritability terribly. I have yet to try this and reading your post reminds me I’m cheating no one but myself by not giving this a go; the theory is if you practice mindfulness regularly you will get better at it. Practice mindfulness in calm times, when you’re well rested, content, happy, think of it as a muscle to be worked out at the gym. Then, in theory, when you’re tired and over worked you will have more capacity to keep your irritability to yourself. (And I mean if you or I are going to do this seriously we’re talking 20 minutes, every day. Seems like a lot. But I spend more time than that exercising and that’s cut from the same cloth of personal Improvement so why not dedicate 20 minutes to watching my breath every day?!)

I had this fleeting moment yesterday where I thought ‘well, that’s gone’ somewhat matter of factly and I didn’t feel so crushingly sad but it didn’t stick. I wish I’d put it behind the gate, I wish I’d unloaded it, I wish I’d realised they have my key, I wish I’d installed a gps tracker, I wish I’d had just one of the myriad of tracking devices I bought inside the actual car. I wish the landlord had approved my request to install cctv instead of telling me ‘with only two months left on your lease we don’t think it would be beneficial to you to install cctv. I was trying to work last night and my mind kept replaying the sight of the empty driveway 😞 My dad came around yesterday and replaced to lock, put a dead bolt on the back door and the gate. None of which could have saved my van (unless I’d taken the extra time to put it behind the gate!!!!!!!) but all of which might save the rest of my things since there is definitely more that could be stolen.

In the kind of funk that makes it hard to get myself off to bed 😞

Here is a thing easy for me to point out from the outside and not so easy to do, but I’m still going to flag it because I think changing this could yield a tremendous improvement. Can you work towards reducing the hours you work per week? If you sink all your energy into working there’ll be nothing left over to tend to the other areas of your life and the result is what you’re feeling now I think.

It would have been so doable to install gps on the actual car. I wish a lot of things including that 😞 The baitop was my idea, I thought they would come back for more equipment and I wanted to be able to track them. I didn’t think they’d take the whole damn car based on the nature of the previous two thefts, (no break no enter just trespass. Car theft is a more serious crime and they didn’t seem to want to escalate like that. Oh I was wrong). Car alarm is actually a great idea!

No advice requested which is good because I have nothing, just solidarity. And co sign do whatever actions you can that look after you and/or help you transcend. Today I found my van full of gear had been stolen from the drive way last night. I cried a lot and it’s hours later but I still feel completely drained and a bit sick, I feel like I’m moving through treacle. I need to pack to move but I look at the full rooms, don’t know where to start and sit back down again. In a bit I’m gonna go for a walk though. That’s not quite doing proper cardio, but it’s not ordering desert delivered either (my first impulse), a compromise action. Not a cure all, probably not even a cure little. But something I can control. I’m sure you already do small kind things for yourself. Keep doing that. (Also fight that negative self talk that says you’re just not bad, that inner critic is a born liar!) That’s a real catch 22 that you present cheerful when you are seeking mental health care. I’d recommend bringing in something exactly like what you’ve posted here for the health care provider to read and get a sense of how you’re thinking when you’re in a funk. Ok, I did have one bit of advice. Unsolicited though please feel no obligation to take it.

I cried my eyes out this morning and half a day later I still feel sick and achey from that. I’ve lost the car and tools and a free day I didn’t have 😞 (need to pack and move an entire house and get invoices off, make quotes for new jobs ughhhhh). I should go and do the things now but only lying still on bed feels ok. I feel like I’m wasting so much time on top of how much money I wasted by having ineffective security

A dead laptop with a gps tracker inside of it (aka a bait laptop). If the returning thief had taken it when it was charged and working they’d have lead me right to them. I guess so far they’ve stolen very easy things and I didn’t think they’d escalate to the unambiguity of outright car theft. I was wrong. Yep, the police have flagged the vehicle on their system as stolen. Based on the last stolen car experience I had I’ll never see this van again. It remains a persistent possibility it’s someone I know. Disappointing. I’d say you’re right, expense on top of expense and probably once I start paying for insurance I’ll never be robbed again. After the second theft I wanted to install cctv but I had two months left on a rental and they rejected my request. 6 more days till I get the keys to the new place. The thief could clear me out in that time. After this the landlord has okayed me changing the locks at least. My housemate’s mum is staying with us to help with moving. She said we should always have someone home (although being home has been zero deterrent thus far).

I posted here before about being robbed twice in the space of a fortnight https://www.enotalone.com/?forumId=34 I did make the baitop, I didn’t do any vigilante stuff (I did plant the baitop though). Well work has been crazy and the baitop went flat and came inside. Last night I locked up the van and locked up the house and went to sleep. This morning it was gone. Nope, still not insured (which at the heart of it is in part because I’m paranoid the insurance company won’t pay out). Yep, with a bunch of gear in it, by the time I got home I was exhausted. I thought locking it would save me from the bold move of taking the whole vehicle. Realise now they must have stolen the keys when they stole the laptop. Why why why didn’t I put two and two together and realise how insecure it was?! This sounds so dumb even as I write it down but I feel heart broken. So much worse things can happen. And I’m not at rock bottom yet there is still a lot more gear here they can take. And if they have my car keys I think there’s also a house key on that ring. Feeling very stupid also.

The thing that caught me was her complaining about your choice of conversation topic. I was with a guy for 6 years and he used to that. I was really into my pet rats ‘all you ever talk about is rats, it’s boring’, I got heaps into PA gear ‘all you ever talk about is PA gear it’s boring’. That was part of a death by a thousand cuts. You’re right, this is probably done. Staying now will do active harm to you. The longer you stay, the more this unsupportive relationship will try and extinguish the fire that is you and by the time you get out you’ll be nothing but embers and it will take yeeeears to stoke that fire back up. Ask me how I know.