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Beforeyougo

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  1. Thank you all once again for your responses. While I know we spent a lot of time on the game. We did have some visits, so we did did spend physical time together. We also messaged and video chatted in the mornings before work etc. So yes it was long distance, but it did feel real. It wasn't all lets level up etc goal oriented. We did have some cute moments in the game, like spending all night on a gondola ride talking etc, til it became like the titanic scene because the game bugged out (pretty funny actually). I won't argue that I probably do miss the constant communication in terms of what is happening, and jokes etc. I miss him always being there and always being around to do things with in the game. I won't lie I have been journaling since this all started (and before, but not nearly as much as now). A lot of my journal were about can this work out? Why do I feel like I am not good enough for him to make moves to progress this relationship etc. So maybe I knew this entire time, and I was just trying to hold on to the feeling of someone actually valuing me because I have such low opinion value of myself. Just wish I hated him, or he said he hated me, would maybe make this easier. Just wish it was easier 😞
  2. I am 30, currently living with my family who has been very supportive during this. Like I said they were probably all prepared for this waiting for it to fail, just letting me go on with my fantasy world because it made me happy. Currently I work roughly 40-48hrs depending at a bakery. Which for the most part is actually really fun, my co-workers and the environment is pretty fun. It's just hard to enjoy it because of all this, everyone keeps saying be happy! it'll get better cheer up! Which makes me secretly just hate them lol. I have looked into different therapist the problem is most of booked for 1 to 3months, there suggestion is to look into private therapy which is my next goal and hope their wait list isn't as long. I am not sure what other kind of therapies? there are... Right now I just have online therapy because through my job it was offered a free month. Which I had started talking to mine before this even occurred because I was already going into a bad space, and this just made it worse. I have deleted all his contact information, and all his friends contact information so I have no real way to reach him unless I really wanted too. It's obviously clear he doesn't want to talk to me because he hasn't talked to me since. I am not sure why I posted this. I guess for maybe a reality check that people in my life handle with kiddy gloves. Maybe I am searching for someone in a similar situation to give comfort. I struggle with thinking I am wasn't worth it, I didn't matter at all, and etc. I just feel lost and confused and really really dumb. Thank you all for your comments.
  3. I do play with other people on this platform. Heck we all played together here and there. They've actually probably been the biggest supporters for me at the moment. If I am going to be honest, they don't know the WHOLE story, but they also spent 3 days talking to me as I cried to them over and over about how I wasn't good enough etc. Just everything reminds me of him, and I know that sounds stupid but its just upsetting because we talked everyday, and played together everyday. For that to be gone just hurts I guess. Therapist and I have talked about multiple things. I don't feel like its helping really. She pretty much says what I feel is valid, and what I am going through is hard etc. She says we need to work on my negative core beliefs which we haven't yet. I don't see what saying positive mantras will do. My family supports it if it makes me happy. Did they approve of course not, did they think it would last of course not. Where they probably prepared for this, yeah.
  4. I know before I begin this long winded rollercoaster of a journey I'll be judged for what I did. At this point I feel like an absolute horrible person for multitudes of reasons, so I understand, and I get it. I met my ex in '09 and we dated til roughly '12 we met online on a game and it was long distance. We did have a few visits here and there and he met my family. During that time things were a rollercoaster, we had 1 major breakup where we didn't talk for 6months and ended up getting back together ultimately leading to him "ghosting" me (a term we didn't have back then). During that time I cursed the world, I didn't have a job for almost a year after that because I couldn't and didn't get out of bed for most of that. I entered a really dark place. During our time like any person would of asked, are they single etc. He always said he was single. There was sometimes kids around and he explained he lived with his mom, and the kids were his nieces and nephews (his sister didn't know the concept of birth control). Later, after he ghosted me, it turns out he didn't know the concept of birth control either. It came to light he was indeed married and had children. That absolutely crushed me. The fact he spent all his time talking, playing games with me, and coming out here to visit made it honestly seem like he was single. It hurt me to know I hurt them without knowing it. (This is the point you go, GIRL you dodged a bullet praise the lord!) This is the point I tell you that I am dumb and that brings us to the current time. I still played that game online (after months of not being on because everything reminded me of him). So a few year later I found out he started playing again. I did the normal thing anyone would do, just ignored it and kept to myself. Never in the years after I found out him was playing again did I seek him out for answers. Never did I insert myself into his life, I had accepted things and let it go. If he wanted to talk to me, to apologize to me for being a jerk and "ghosting" me he would of? Early '20 we got matched into the same game online. Out of ALL the games we somehow got picked to be in the same one. I had noticed something was said as the game was ending, and it was directed towards me. I saw the name and freaked out, because I knew it was him. I had left the game and instantly got a message from him asking if I was insert person. I was like wow, the dead speaks who knew. He said oh you know who this is, I was like yes, of course. This launched us into opening the door to talk. A few days went by and I had this nagging feeling of wanting to talk to him. So I added him to my friends list, which prompted us to talk from 1am to 6am when I had to go to work. It felt like nothing ever changed, that we picked up right where we left off. As you read this I am sure your going to be like whoa, back up here. You said married with kids and now you're back to talking. Well, this is were I feel like I am the horrible person. We talked about all that, he was "seperated" but living with her still for the sake of the kids and blah blah not being able to afford to move out or divorce etc. I like the idiot I am decided that makes sense, but we had a plan of action in terms of that needs to get resolved. He had X amount of time for figure it out or this would be over. The beginning of the "relationship" was described to me as love bombing, it's quick and intense. It honestly felt like he was "separated" and was only invested in me. We spent all day messaging, sending photos, and playing together at night. Enjoys each other company etc. Yes, we had disagreements anytime I felt like I wasn't getting enough affection, he would shut down because he doesn't "deal with emotions" very well. Normally this wouldn't be an issue and he'd adjust. Until about 1.5 weeks ago he broke up with me. I was honest with my feelings that I felt like I wasn't getting enough affection, and he shut down again. When we talked he said he had a lot of stuff going on between his kids, the wife, and other ***. Then having to try and help me, and he NO room for himself, to barely think. He said he had to lock himself in a room to just get away from everything and everyone. I pleaded to work on this together, that's what couples do. He said he couldn't drag me through the bull*** and it was unfair. He said right now this is for the best. We said I love you one last time to each other. To hear the sadness, and the defeated tone absolutely killed me. I know I'll get a lot of comments about what I did. I understand, and I hope people realize I didn't mean anything. I was a girl madly in love with a boy hoping things would work out. Right now I see a therapist because I feel like I wasn't good enough yet again for him to stick around. That I wasn't worth it to him in the end. He knew my mental health problems and hasn't checked in with me. That could also just be him staying away to avoid causing more pain. I feel broken, and like such a horrible person. I see him playing our game, and it hurts me because I want nothing more than to reach out. I feel like he's not affected as much as I am. Sorry to anyone to actually read all this, and I know I'll get roasted because of the internet. Just needed to vent and let out things right now I feel alone. Sorry.
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