I know before I begin this long winded rollercoaster of a journey I'll be judged for what I did. At this point I feel like an absolute horrible person for multitudes of reasons, so I understand, and I get it.
I met my ex in '09 and we dated til roughly '12 we met online on a game and it was long distance. We did have a few visits here and there and he met my family. During that time things were a rollercoaster, we had 1 major breakup where we didn't talk for 6months and ended up getting back together ultimately leading to him "ghosting" me (a term we didn't have back then). During that time I cursed the world, I didn't have a job for almost a year after that because I couldn't and didn't get out of bed for most of that. I entered a really dark place. During our time like any person would of asked, are they single etc. He always said he was single. There was sometimes kids around and he explained he lived with his mom, and the kids were his nieces and nephews (his sister didn't know the concept of birth control). Later, after he ghosted me, it turns out he didn't know the concept of birth control either. It came to light he was indeed married and had children. That absolutely crushed me. The fact he spent all his time talking, playing games with me, and coming out here to visit made it honestly seem like he was single. It hurt me to know I hurt them without knowing it. (This is the point you go, GIRL you dodged a bullet praise the lord!)
This is the point I tell you that I am dumb and that brings us to the current time. I still played that game online (after months of not being on because everything reminded me of him). So a few year later I found out he started playing again. I did the normal thing anyone would do, just ignored it and kept to myself. Never in the years after I found out him was playing again did I seek him out for answers. Never did I insert myself into his life, I had accepted things and let it go. If he wanted to talk to me, to apologize to me for being a jerk and "ghosting" me he would of?
Early '20 we got matched into the same game online. Out of ALL the games we somehow got picked to be in the same one. I had noticed something was said as the game was ending, and it was directed towards me. I saw the name and freaked out, because I knew it was him. I had left the game and instantly got a message from him asking if I was insert person. I was like wow, the dead speaks who knew. He said oh you know who this is, I was like yes, of course. This launched us into opening the door to talk. A few days went by and I had this nagging feeling of wanting to talk to him. So I added him to my friends list, which prompted us to talk from 1am to 6am when I had to go to work. It felt like nothing ever changed, that we picked up right where we left off.
As you read this I am sure your going to be like whoa, back up here. You said married with kids and now you're back to talking. Well, this is were I feel like I am the horrible person. We talked about all that, he was "seperated" but living with her still for the sake of the kids and blah blah not being able to afford to move out or divorce etc. I like the idiot I am decided that makes sense, but we had a plan of action in terms of that needs to get resolved. He had X amount of time for figure it out or this would be over.
The beginning of the "relationship" was described to me as love bombing, it's quick and intense. It honestly felt like he was "separated" and was only invested in me. We spent all day messaging, sending photos, and playing together at night. Enjoys each other company etc. Yes, we had disagreements anytime I felt like I wasn't getting enough affection, he would shut down because he doesn't "deal with emotions" very well. Normally this wouldn't be an issue and he'd adjust. Until about 1.5 weeks ago he broke up with me. I was honest with my feelings that I felt like I wasn't getting enough affection, and he shut down again. When we talked he said he had a lot of stuff going on between his kids, the wife, and other ***. Then having to try and help me, and he NO room for himself, to barely think. He said he had to lock himself in a room to just get away from everything and everyone. I pleaded to work on this together, that's what couples do. He said he couldn't drag me through the bull*** and it was unfair. He said right now this is for the best.
We said I love you one last time to each other. To hear the sadness, and the defeated tone absolutely killed me.
I know I'll get a lot of comments about what I did. I understand, and I hope people realize I didn't mean anything. I was a girl madly in love with a boy hoping things would work out.
Right now I see a therapist because I feel like I wasn't good enough yet again for him to stick around. That I wasn't worth it to him in the end. He knew my mental health problems and hasn't checked in with me. That could also just be him staying away to avoid causing more pain. I feel broken, and like such a horrible person. I see him playing our game, and it hurts me because I want nothing more than to reach out. I feel like he's not affected as much as I am.
Sorry to anyone to actually read all this, and I know I'll get roasted because of the internet. Just needed to vent and let out things right now I feel alone. Sorry.