1a1a

I love love love the advice to bring a gift. And skip the favours from friends and go straight to licensed structural engineer. I wasn’t really sure who I could ask. I’ll share a couple of examples, first one is holding the supports for the floor in place, second one is the roof. Notice the addition of a bracket. I’ll give the shed a more vigorous shake and inspect the welds but my impression thus far is that it is pretty sturdy, just the floor has flex. The builders know about cold galv but there’s a language barrier and when they tried to buy some they got the wrong thing. I offered to clean and cold galv the joins this week.

Putting this in friends/friendship because the builder in question is my dad’s friend and he worked for free because he wanted to help my dad out. I think this is a pretty massive favour and no small deal and even with this one problem I don’t want to knock the work that’s been done, if there was no friend/favour aspect then I could just tell them the work isn’t up to scratch and request a re do. My dad made friends with a Chinese builder and he’s been teaching him English. The builder is super helpful, he helped my dad help me move and then when I ended up in a house with no shed, he offered to build one free of charge (just the cost of parts and a cheap day rate for his welder friend because he can design the structure but he doesn’t know how to weld). Over the last week this neat little structure has manifest on my patio all made from galvanised steel. On the third day I happened to look at one of the weld joins and it looked very odd, blotchy and black. I’ve seen weld joins before they don’t normally look like that. Tried to be blissfully ignorant but there’s too much at stake if this structure fails (all of my work tools are gonna go in there). Found a friend who knows welding and got him to have a look. He said the welds will corrode over time because they didn’t clean the galv and the metal is contaminated and that they wouldn’t meet Australian standards. So the almost free shed is going to need some strategic reinforcement before I can feel comfortable using it, which I’d rather get someone who knows how to weld to do, I don’t want to ask these two guys to come back and do more work, I already feel like they’ve done me an amazingly awesome favour (plus, clearly evident any further welding should be done by someone who knows how to satisfy Aus standards). I’m happy to take it from here and reinforce it. But I can’t believe anyone would go to the effort of building a shed for free/token pay and intentionally do weld joins so bad the structural integrity of the building is in question. Like they worked hard, in awful hot humid weather, sometimes redoing parts if they thought of a way to do them better. The bad weld joins make the whole build potentially a failure waiting to happen and a big waste of time and effort and I want them to not make that same mistake next time. Which brings me to the actual question, how do I, not a tradie, just a lay person, inform my dad’s friend (the foreman of the project if you will) that weld joins are questionable without offending him? Plus a million points if you’re Chinese or familiar with Chinese culture and have a sense of how someone immersed in that culture would handle it.

If you’re going to chase partnered men then at least familiarise yourself with the chumplady’s blog so you can have a grasp of how much suffering these shiny turds inflict on their partners (also for the love of goodness use protection). With regards to your crawling back boy. Do you want to have your heart shattered by him again? Yes? Then go ahead and let him back in. (Also you did the right thing letting his wife know he’s a massive cheater).

Dump him. Dump him, dump him, dump him, nothing about this is salvageable! (But if you want to do due diligence and try and investigate if it is, you draw a hard boundary about being denied sleep for his sexual gratification. Never again. Hang up the phone. Turn it off until morning. And, sit down when you’re both calm and both of you take a sheet of paper each and write down everything you can think of for the following 4 columns; things I love about this relationship. Things I think my partner loves about this relationship. Things I struggle with in this relationship. Things I think my partner struggles with in this relationship. Then compare notes. In the struggle columns, are they issues that you can both resolve with compromise or does one of you have to hurt yourself to make the other one happy? If the latter, you’re incompatible, dump him.)

Sounds like you’ve found a very good egg. In answer to your question yes, I think one can struggle with both concepts, the desire to accept the body as it is and a desire to change it. I’ve always been overweight, at one time in my life I went on a fitness and weight loss bender and got closer to trim but my stomach always stuck out. Like I lost weight but the proportions of my body didn’t change so I couldn’t escape the pot belly look. Around this time I discovered this website www.my body gallery.com I looked at womens’ photos, I read their stories (the two are not connected so you don’t know what the story teller looks like), I noticed the common thread, that fat or thin, young or old, 99% of them hated some part of how they looked and it made me feel so angry at this society that has got so many of feeling that way. That fuelled my desire accept my body. But still over the years I have taken action to reduce body fat % on and off. So, I haven’t completely accepted my body as it is! But I think that’s ok. I don’t completely hate it either, I’m somewhere on the sliding scale between the two extremes and so are you. You mention comfy clothing and I co sign that, but, there might be no harm in going on a quest to see if any clothes out there flatter your shape and or make you look fancy. At one point in my life I had nothing but daggy, shapeless clothing and I remember going to a staff Xmas party where every one was dressed up for nightclubbing and feeling soooooo shabby. After that I went on a shopping quest determined to have an open mind and try on absolutely everything I’d even vaguely consider wearing. On this quest I discovered skater dresses (the best cut of dress ever) and going forward became a skater dress and tights kinda girl. Still comfortable clothing but it looked nicer than pants and a loose T-shirt. Other thought is, you could increase your level of fitness if you’d like to, not with the intention of losing weight, you just want to be a bit more fit. To this end I suggest 3 gateway activities. Walking somewhere pretty, yoga, and or buy an electric bike and go exploring (on the e bike you can do as little or as much work as you feel like but you always have to peddle so even at it’s more sedate it’s the equivalent energy expenditure of a leisurely walk. But you get to go fast and see more things 😄 )

I think I’d pass after he left me to go to the hospital alone. (Also in future be more wary of pushy men, someone who wants your mind and your heart will not risk scaring you away by pushing for sex in my experience. It’s a good tell once you know what you’re looking for). Dont feel stupid, dating is a learning process, you’ve learnt more now.

I’m normally you when I’m seeing someone. My long distance recently came back to my city and I don’t see heaps of him, but it’s been me pumping the breaks because I already had an over full life before he returned and I have to find a way to fit him in. How is the rest of your life looking? Where are your friends, how’s your to do list looking, what goals are you working towards. What did you do with the time you’re currently spending wishing he was more available before he came back?

I feel like if he wanted a relationship with you he would have been present and available to you for the last 15 years. This is very very suspicious that he’s upset now. My 2 cents, he doesn’t know a single thing about you and it’s just his pride that’s bruised by your rejection. All about him, stay your course, don’t invest any more energy in people who don’t invest in you.

It doesn’t matter which one it is. I’d go so far as to say commitment phobia = not loving you. For the end result it produces they may as well be the same. It’s much much harder to let go of a commitment phobic person though because they keep saying with their words ‘I love you but….’ And we just here the I love you bit. You deserve someone who loves you without reservation and I firmly believe that in the mean time, it’s better to be single than on the hook for someone who isn’t all in. I’m sorry you’re in a position where the only escape will come when you walk away (and I’m cheering for you to find the strength to do so).

The things that stand out for me are an incompatibility around drinking and a partner that actively tries to undermine and cut down the things you enjoy. Are these two traits that you want in your forever person? (And if they are, search your soul long and hard for the why because they should be red, red flags waving in the wind, especially the second one). I know it’s easy to say split, and much harder to do, especially when there’s a kid involved. But I don’t think he’ll change and if you stay with him it will be a death of a thousand cuts. At least contemplate the idea of splitting and speak to a family lawyer about what the logistics of that and co parenting might look like If/when you take that path.

How long are you willing to inflict limbo upon yourself? I think, give it a time limit and when that time is up unilaterally decide this isn’t working and walk away. You will be able to love others once you’ve grieved this loss but for now, you’re best off focussing on yourself. My 2 cents, she’s already done. If she really wanted to reestablish a connection with you there would be more regular contact. Don’t be conned when she does get in touch now, she’s just throwing you a bread crumb or two to keep you on the hook. (I think this because I cannot fathom never contacting the recipient of my affections!)

I share this as a pet peeve. I think 3 questions and they’re out. It’s not just an amber flag that they have no curiosity about me as a person, it’s also that we can’t get into a conversational flow if every question I ask is a dead end topic. Agree with everyone else most people who don’t ask don’t care to know the answer. Side note, try hinge. I feel like it has the least amount of people just looking for sex/psychological validation on it.

Who even cares if it’s normal?! There is no normal, there’s what works for you in a relationship and what doesn’t and being in a one sided relationship doesn’t work for you. And that’s ok. (Really, being in a one sided relationship doesn’t work for anyone!) What happens if you uninvest a bit? Stop giving gifts on special occasions, give some serious consideration to moving out (I want to suggest drop the house cleaning but with no marriage and no rental agreement I worry that will take you out of the frying pan and into the fire). I think this guy sucks, this relationship has run it’s course, it’s time to put your mighty energy towards working out to move out and be free of him.

Your mileage may vary but if you have a good ear and a good sense of time I think you’ll be plonking away to your favourite tracks in no time. Since you’re coming over from drums I bet the rhythm will already be there. And if you haven’t got the melodic ear yet tabs will be your friends And you’ll get a stimulating challenge 🙂 Edits to add: there’s absolutely no need to buy a bass to try, I guarantee you have at least one muso friend who bought one for recording and it mostly sits and collects dust.

Down the path of keeping at the drums, can you talk yourself out of the need to be excellent at them? With or without succeeding at that mental shift, I’d also recommend getting a few drum lessons. You sound super busy so maybe better to go fortnightly than weekly and try and commit to 10 minutes of practice a day (it’s only 10 minutes, you can do it). My other recommendation would be to join a band, a really easy one. You might find you’re better than you thought. And as long as it’s an easy band, once you’ve learnt the songs you won’t really need to practice in between jams, just show up and enjoy playing. And If you put the drums down for now that’s fine too, you can always pick them up later. I call myself a musician but I am a very lazy musician who doesn’t practice of her own volition. There have been periods of time where I was in no band and so never played. And then one day I think to myself ‘I should join a band again’ and off I go. (When this happens I always join on bass because that’s the instrument I can play passably with the least amount of practice time required). I co sign the idea of trying another instrument too and recommend bass if you don’t want to be challenged (and violin if you do, that’s the hardest instrument to play *bows down to Rose Moss*

I think, this doesn’t have to be a negotiation. You’ve thought about his concerns at the prospect of you never attending another family gathering and you feel hurt because it feels like he’s only concerned about the optics of your absence and isn’t taking into account that the cost for you to be there is for you to experience discomfort and distress. If never seeing her again is a hard boundary then tell him that and ask him to give it some thought and work out if it’s a deal breaker for him or not. A potential compromise you can offer (only if your heart desires to offer it), that you will attend some percentage of family gatherings but you come with your own means of escape and at the first sign that the sister is going to pick a fight, you leave. You’re not angry, there’s no hard feelings, but you aren’t going to stay in this environment while it’s hostile. Peace out, bye bye. (I feel like you’d have to really love him a lot to offer this, just never seeing her again feels much more appealing).

*appreciates and assimilates perspective shifts* To flesh that out catfeeder, some years ago this client asked me if I was available for a show and since I wasn’t i introduced him to another sound tech. Since then he must have been going straight to her because I haven’t been contacted by him since. But there came a day when she was busy and she has gotten in touch with me to see if I’m available to work for him.

It probably doesn’t happen that often and when it does happen I’m usually blissfully unaware. But I had reasonable confirmation of one client who ditched me when the replacement tech got in touch with me asking if I was available to work for him. And so it circles back? It’s a little bit needling though, I introduced them. Still! If he likes her mixes more I would not want him to stick with using someone who’s less well suited. And she needs to get market share too to earn money to live. It’s just a pity so many of the jobs she’s getting are places I used to work (when she first arrived she cold canvassed work and I guess doing that turns up the same opportunities), or this client I introduced her too. It’s not like I missed any of the jobs (other clients are found and take their place) just the lack of client loyalty and the pattern of us being in direct competition rankle me. People in similarly competitive fields, how do you stay chill when colleagues you’re friendly acquaintance with cut lunches that aren’t exactly yours but you definitely could have eaten?

I wouldn’t know for certain unless it actually happened to me but in the hypothetical, I don’t think I’d feel cheated on if I found out my partner sold sexy massages (I try and get far far away from a puritanical view of sex since I think it goes against our very natures). But maybe I would find myself struggling with the lie of omission. In the end though if this is/was the deal breaker and it ended I think that’s ok, most people aren’t our forever people. But you two got to walk together for a while. How have things unfolded?

Go ‘grey rock’. As in when he tries to talk to you be as boring as a grey rock. Single word answers, yes, no, uh huh, interesting *nod and walk away* wiseman might be reacting to the ‘hey you’. Even ‘hi you’’, in English, comes off a bit bossy. You can soften it into something like ‘heya’, or ‘Heyo’ and it becomes a normal greeting but ‘hey you’ won’t work for polite conversation. Having said that if you use the persons name they become acceptable greetings again. ‘hey 1a1a’ or ‘hi 1a1a’, both work well.

Without getting caught up on the thread, you don’t need to give a reason for not travelling down for Christmas. Something like (if you haven’t already bowed out yet), sorry to spring this on you so late but I/we won’t be able to make it down for Xmas. (This but only if you genuinely would like to make a trip at a quieter time of the year less fraught with expectation) I’d really like to catch up with you though and have free time *insert good window of time here*, if you’re available then I look forward to seeing you. but whyyyyyyy it’s not viable for me to travel this year but familyyyyy im sorry I won’t be able to attend but whyyyyyy I hope you all have a very excellent day. Captain Awkward would say ‘reasons are for reasonable people’ Actually if you scour her archives you will likely find even better scripts for declining to attend events without giving reasons. And the take away from the presents opening debacle is to decline being on stand by for anything again. Not in a mean way, just that really wasn’t pleasant for you last time so you’re not going to put yourself in that position again kind of thing. I’m cautiously optimistic that with a one on one catch up later in the year (or, let’s face it if you see your mum she’ll probably invite your sister but two people is still less socially taxing than a room of strangers) the feeling of just being an accessory in the Jibralta labeled seat will be firmly diminished too *crosses fingers*

I don’t think you have to break up. But there are caveats and they are big ones. If the commercial provision of happy endings feels like cheating to you then I think you have to honour that. In the event that, now knowing this about you she wants to quit that line of work and save the relationship, how would you feel about that? (Also brace yourself, she might not be game to sacrifice her financial independence and I don’t think that’s a reflection on her love for you, but indicative of the pressure we are all under to be financially solvent). Another is the lying by omission. Maybe you can reach a place where girlfriend who sells happy endings stops feeling like cheating because I can guarantee you, this is the most feelings and libido less interaction between a man and a woman imaginable (ok, I can’t guarantee but I’d be willing to bet money, she’s not aroused or even thinking about the client when she’s at work). But the damage to your trust might not be salvageable. The last thought I get out of hearing your tale, is, is it actually your girlfriend you love and will miss or the companionship? If only the latter let her go. If there are a myriad of things unique to this woman that make her your favourite person in the whole world then I think it’s worth looking inside yourself to work out if this is a deal breaker or not (the massages and the great big lie, but they’re two separate issues). There’s no rectifying the big lie but if you could continue dating either with her still giving happy endings for coin, or with her quitting that line of work, tell her what your preferred condition is and give her a chance to decide if a relationship like that still works for her. As they say on Baggage Reclaim, people unfold. The longer you date the more you learn and the more complete the picture of them becomes. Now you know more about your lady and your task is to assimilate this information and decide if the relationship still works for you. And if it doesn’t, then you are mighty for taking decisive action!

Plenty of scope for self improvement at least. (I mean there’s a path forward and that’s way better than being stuck). Thank you everyone.

*googles ‘push past someone’* oh, that definition does imply a lot more force than anything that occurred today. In that case, I don’t know how to communicate it. I don’t think the takeaway lessons change though *sees Batyas and dancing fools replies and is cogniscent of the time and patience invested and appreciates the heck out of it* There’s support here, I know it. But it sometimes comes in bitter pills. I’ll try making lists and a detailed schedule (and probably time to get iron tested at least), can only improve from here.

Also here was not the place to come for emotional support. At all