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I’ve been reading Eckhart Tolle and he talks a lot about our egos and what they thrive on and how strong identification with the desires of the ego can bring us elation when they get validated but mostly it brings suffering. In this instance the identification with the ego would be how much you’ve internalised that you’re are blood relatives and you ought to have some kind of relationship. Relationship is missing, not for lack of effort on your part, and cue disappointment, frustration, resentment. Imagine she was a total stranger you were trying to make friends with? How many times would you extend the invitation before you assessed that connection as having no potential? As for the relationship she doesn’t have with your parents, try and let that be between them, it isn’t your responsibility to bring them closer together I don’t think. I really like the idea of encouraging your parents to make some kind of arrangement so you don’t have to do the leg work of getting her her inheritance. Although none of it matters in the end that is still a needless bumping of the wound that is still healing. (If there was a person you could delegate to give her health updates too that would be even better). Philosophy aside, getting out of situations where you have to interact with this person who makes it so well known they don’t want to interact with you would be exceptionally good! Wishing you patience and sight to see the actions of your sister and her husband have everything to do with them and nothing to do with you.

Just because the wheels are in motion doesn’t mean you have to see it through. I need more than two hands to list the behaviours you detailed that really ought to be deal breakers. Bulldozing your boundary for space when conflict arises and you get stressed is more than enough reason to get far far far far far away from that person.

Never forget the butterfly feeling can be one sided. Maybe don’t get too caught up on the why. Things you have control over is how quickly you agree to progress intimacy and if getting very intimate and then being told no thank you is a bit of a downer, then there’s benefit to spending more time getting to know someone before you kiss. You’ve never not kissed on a first date and I don’t think I ever have kissed on a first date. Where there was mutual interest kissing happened in good time.

That butterflies in the tummy feeling. You know sometimes you kiss someone and it feels really exciting and other times you kiss them and it doesn’t feel like anything, just lips pressed against lips. As to the why continue? Only they know the answer to that. A person that’s into you and considering you for life long partner material is not going to get discouraged if you say you don’t want to rush into the physical side of things and would instead like to get to know them more as a person. (Escalating to kissing around date 3 seems to be a pretty common rule of thumb).

It could be they don’t feel that spark when they kiss you (biology, if your immune systems are very similar, no spark). But then why keep making out for a prolonged time? What happens if you take it a little bit slower progressing to physical intimacy? I feel like attraction grows in the absence of the person you’re attracted to.

Try reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle

The potential for the invitation to be nefarious (that is to say, an invitation from the little brain rather than the big one) certain increases past bed time. You know your friend and you know your neighbourhood though. In my city of 2m people, I walk around by myself late at night. Mostly I see no one. And there are a few suburbs I wouldn’t do that in, and one suburb has a track record for sexual assault but it’s far from where I walk. (When I travelled around the country I continued my late night walking ways, although I felt a bit anxious walking alone. When I go over seas I’ll put a stop to it though. Those places could be safe too but better not take the gamble.) Having said all that even if your mum is being illogical, you know she’d freak out if she woke up and you were gone though so obliging no late night adventures while you live with her would be a kindness. Maybe you could ask old mate to come to you and you two could pace up and down your street, in hollering distance from the house with a note on the table saying as much.

All the above plus oodles of solidarity, it’s hard starting from a place of need but it’s just a numbers game, finding friends is just as hard (if not harder) than finding a partner

Two days with no reply stinks 😞

Maybe this can be the catalyst for ending it with him. Not just because it looks a lot like he might be cheating, but also because he’s moody and hard to approach and the sex has dropped off and he doesn’t seem to have any interest in addressing that. Co signing the need to gather more proof though. You could do a little Bluetooth tracker, or you could leave a gps enabled phone with a SIM card in his car (this will give you more constant and accurate gps locations). I reckon it might be time to get a sexual health check up and visit a divorce lawyer (the latter is just for gathering information for now, in case you do later decide to pull the trigger). I’m really sorry, that’s a big betrayal when you’re partner stops investing their energy in their relationship with you and starts investing it elsewhere 😞

Do you want a partner who doesn’t validate your experiences or empathise with you?

It might not be rape but he certainly took advantage of you. (Failure to wait for enthusiastic, sober consent). Definitely the part you want to introspect on is why did you keep going back. I hope you find clarity on your past and a path forward you can get behind. Even if you lose your ex, I’m certain you have learned some valuable lessons about yourself which will serve you very well going forward.

She just didn’t have a romantic partner, but she spent a lot of time alone in her house in her later years and I got the impression it was not really by choice. (Although for the last 14 months of her life she reluctantly moved in with her sister and received round the clock care from said sibling. Which is about as far from alone as you can get). I am inexpressibly grateful for this space to howl and be heard and I really appreciate you all taking the time to post and nudge me onwards and upwards. Loosely, I think my plan is to go over seas, if I can find work, yay, if I can’t, shorter trip as a tourist, if I can land work on a cruise ship, best! If I can’t move myself on from this guy staying put, I think the trip will decisively end the chapter. (Although right now the silence stretches on and the grief waves are absent and it already feels like it’s been ended for a long time. But no doubt the sadness and anxiety will return. Psych apt tomorrow at least).

Is it possible for you to access mental health care? Even more pressing than the ongoing deceit of your partner is the unanswered why did you keep seeing Brad? You knew after the first time that you say no and he keeps pushing anyway. Also dig down into why you keep drinking to the point of lost control? I used to be friends with someone who for 3 months straight came to my house to see/sleep with my housemate. Outside of his room she would say ‘I’m a lesbian, I don’t like ***, I’m being coerced, he has compromising photos of me’, inside the room who knows what was said but what is clear is the repeated action of taking time out of her day, getting in her car, and returning to the house of her abuser and actions speak louder than words. I think actually she was attracted and bi phobic and in sleeping with him she made herself hate herself but it’s also possible he triggered a trauma response in her that lead her to play along with him, poker faced, for 3 months! Either way, it wasn’t a good time and a year on she very unambiguously calls him her rapist despite her actions saying that she wanted to be exactly where she was. I imagine you too, would like your actions to align with what you want going forward and it sounds like there has been a very big disconnect recently. Having a psychologist, or even a social worker on your side to hear your thoughts and help you find clarity for yourself could only be a good thing.

My Aunty gave up on love before I was even born, that’s over 35 years of her life alone, resigned to stay alone, and although she made the most of it I believe she was lonely. Never will I ever choose that path (even if the ones that don’t work out are brutally painful coming apart). You know that Gotye song about being cut off by your ex? That’s been in my head the last few days. (Except I appreciate that cutting off is actually a much more effective way of healing but the ‘now you’re just somebody that I used to know’ line hits home either way. )

*beams at the praise for plain speaking* well it’s the truth of it isn’t it. The day after posting was relatively inoffensive. But then today I am sad again but it’s like I want to cry but I don’t quite make it over the edge. The items remain uncollected, the silence remains unbroken by both of us. I’ve mentally put it on ice. It’s really weird having him go silent this long though, unprecedented. Serious change in feelings I guess. The whole time he’s known me he’s thought I’m the one! Like a bolt of lighting, love at first sight thing. And I know from my own experience that feeling is a goddam liar! Guess he’s realising the same now. And how silly was I to believe him ever. Today for the first time in a really long time I wished someone would hold me. But I don’t have that kind of relationship with anyone so I remain an island. Lonely island.

Yeah, it’s hollow. So he misses you now? But didn’t miss you enough before to sustain and maintain a relationship with you. I’m super proud of you for not replying straight away!

A friend of mine shared a post online and I paraphrase ‘if it’s not a *** yes, then it’s a *** no! Don’t settle for a lukewarm life’ and I thought of us both. And also, that my ex was already demonstrating a lack of *** yes before we split up (if *** yes had been present, he would have wanted to spend time with me even when he was really busy, and if he really, super couldn’t fit it in he could have been planning the time we’d get to spend together when his family left. *** yes would have been seen and felt!)

I thought I’d have to see him today to get the last of his furniture out of my house. I was feeling pressure to clean (because my lack of housekeeping is one of the many many many many many things he was compromising on to stay with me). Then I got called into work. Relief. Can’t be today then. Don’t have to worry about the cleaning quite yet. And today is almost over and I haven’t heard from him. So. Good thing I wasn’t waiting around for that. I have been reminded over the last few days that there are other people in the world I could be attracted to. Not at all even a little bit ready to try and connect with someone new but I guess that’s a relief. And still stupidly hopeful. Or at least open to reconciliation (but I’m not the only one who’d have to change some things). And then I get thinking about how many things about me he wasn’t really thrilled with and it’s a long list, I need more than one hand. Maybe he was being overly optimistic about how high a price of admission he was willing to pay the entire time we were together. Then I think he probably definitely fell in love with an imagined version of me. Because as the real me unfolded he complained and ran away.

If you really dig into why you have crushed on this woman, what can you identify as the reasons? Chemistry with other people might be a bit ethereal but crushes are good and specific, there will be something there that you see in her that you have been missing and needing. Intellectual conversation? Being desired? Touch? Is she really good at something you want to be good at? What does she inspire you to improve about yourself? I’m not so convinced that you need her to fill that dark hole in you but I do think there’ll be information from this crush that tells you what you need to improve in yourself/add to your life. As for your marriage. I think maybe we all shot ourselves in the feet when we made the switch to marrying for love. I’m sure you know this, long term love is the act of choosing your partner and continuing to choose them. Maybe your love feeling for your wife has faded. In that case you should either try and find it again (remember what it felt like the first time you ever kissed her) or end the relationship. (But if you care for her at all end it and be single for at least a year). You’re in a sticky wicket, I wish you clarity.

Co signing the grey tinted glasses of depression making everything exponentially harder. What are the other connections in your life like? Friends? Family? Do you participate in any hobbies that bring you into contact with like minded people? Do you do any ‘contribution’ (an activity undertaken for the benefit of someone else, volunteering, making care packages for friends etc), do you have an idea of where you would like your life to go? (Leaving the question of finding a life partner aside for a moment, in all other aspects what would you like to do?) Are you working in an industry that engages and challenges you? Do you feel like you have control of the direction your life is going in and if not are there steps you can take to acquire more control? Bonus quest, read some Eckart Tolle and contemplate that you are more than just your ego and all it is currently identifying with, and or some Buddhist philosophy and beware the stories you tell yourself because they are powerful powerful things. Step one, repeat after me, ‘I notice I am feeling like I am an abomination’. Notice the thought and let it pass. It’s gonna pop up again, they always do. Notice each one. And let it pass.

Yep, I reckon so. And if he isn’t receptive then it’s time to make the active choice to move on from him.

If you contacted her and she was angry, or felt nothing (or doesn’t reply at all. Or feels something but is now loyally committed to someone else), would that help you close that chapter in your life? Maybe those two outcomes are better than always wondering what could have been. But also if you got the fairy tale reconciliation, what would you both be doing so things would be different and the thing that broke you up in the first place wasn’t still there to break you up again?

I see the penance paid and the immense value of forgiveness, especially in your own heart, for your own well-being. But the element of him being un remorseful, even having experienced being on the receiving end of rape, that tips the scales for me firmly in the direction of oppose. It really sucks that you can’t provide an answer with more nuance, like, approve conditionally only if he commits to ongoing mental health care relating to respecting other peoples autonomy. In this instance I’m extra sad that all we know is punitive justice. If he had been the recipient of restorative justice these last 5 years he might be no longer a threat. As to finding the response you can live with, I’d gently encourage you to get hold of a psychologist or even a social worker. Just someone who can help you work out your own heart. (Last thought, if you grant him bail and he reoffends that is 100% not on your head please don’t shoulder the responsibility for it, if it turns out better for your mental health and family harmony to let him get bail, you have to look after you first. If the thought of him being free fills you with fear, that might be a good indicator that in your heart you oppose).

The question is do you want a life partner who pushes you away when he’s stressed? And if the answer is no, and reconciliation comes on the table later when he’s calmed down a bit, what is his plan to never push you away like that again? Don’t accept him back with him demonstrating that he has done some introspection on this and also wants it to never happen again. I’m so sorry you’re in this position now, people can love us and still totally abandon us. (And the trait of abandonment is a much bigger deal than the love, for that failure to stick together makes a poor foundation). You can use this pain as a catalyst for leveling up, what are the lessons? Has this shown you places you want to grow? Boundaries you didn’t know you had? What do you want to do and where do you want to go when you take the drivers seat in your own life?