1a1a

Have a chat with your partner when you’re both calm, tell them you feel like the intimacy between you both has dwindled painfully low. You miss being close to them. Have they noticed this too? Do they miss it as well? Would they be interested in taking steps to grow the intimacy between you two again? Find out what their answer is and assess from there how to move forward.

Co signing mother of your children, where everything is amicable, should still be welcome at family events. My cousins’ father remains a regular attendee of family things even though that divorce happened 30 years ago. These days he brings his wife who has also been welcomed into the family. Of course if your ex started routinely making things awkward through her actions you’d have scope to ask her to reign it in, and if she couldn’t/didn’t, ask her to not attend for a while until everyone’s feelings have settled.

Removing is a kind of symbolic action you can take to tell yourself ‘this person isn’t my friend anymore, a friend wouldn’t go radio silent on me!’ It does keep the possibility that he may reach out later and you two might be able to reconnect in some capacity. If you have the reserves of good mood to allow him some grace that could be the option to take. Blocking will save you from the possibility of him reconnecting and then dropping you again. If you’re already feeling pretty hurt by it, this might be the best action to take for self preservation. Especially considering your history of unrequited love, this might be the wisest choice for getting free and moving on.

DTMFA I think it’s better to be single than committed to someone who doesn’t think you’re the best.

That, doesn’t value his relationship with you enough to be considerate of how you’re feeling or honest with you, but then panics and cries when you end it, If he has any kind of unresolved trauma you pulling away is going to activate it and he’s going to think he needs you more than anyone else in the world. You don’t want a partner who has to be triggered into wanting to be with you/being triggered isn’t love. (Love is being forthright with your favourite human being in the whole world even if they’re not going to like what you’re about to say because they need to know the information you’re about to share in order to provide informed consent).

Pickle ball is fun 😄 Meet up in my area looks like that too, all older people. I found a hiking group on facebook, went for one hike, really really enjoyed it. There were about 30 people ranging from uni student to middle aged. If I wanted to I could walk in silence. Over the course of the hike I ended up having incidental conversations with quite a few people. The easy companionship was really pleasant. You wont know until you try a thing if you’re going to get anything out of it. (But you can guarantee getting nothing and staying stuck if you make the choice to not participate). I’ve tried bachata dancing, kayaking and pickle ball too. None of which I found as sociable as that hiking group but they are all worth doing in their own right, not least of all for the enjoyment of trying a new activity. If you’re feeling depressed Nothing is going to sound appealing. You have to push yourself past that.

If you can find a hiking or walking group locally (look on meet up and Facebook), that could be a good source of social interaction. And, beating Batya to it *gives a head nod in her direction*, is there a local community theatre group you could join? There’s more to do there than just acting and repeatedly showing up to perfect something is good for growing camaraderie. Ditto joining a local choir.

There’s many different ways to be the wrong person for you and sometimes the loveliest people are still the wrong person *cough* avoidant attachment style *cough* *cough* ticks all the boxes but doesn’t light your fire *cough cough* ticks all the boxes but you don’t light theirs *cough* there’s passion and commonality but they’re not over their ex or vice versa *cough cough* I know this is east to say and harder to do but don’t take it personally. Take the lessons, take the inspiration, run with it, keep living your better version of yourself life and be empowered by what you learned from this relationship, brief though it may have been.

Picking at only one thread here (there are many); do you want in your life partner, the attribute of hearing that something bothers you and choosing to make absolutely zero changes? Yeah, you can’t really tell her she can’t see someone, but it’s telling that she knows it makes you feel uncomfortable and chooses to carry on.

Can you imagine yourself back to the first kiss the next time she kisses you? How did that first kiss make you feel? Remember that feeling

If nothing changes how long would you stay? 6 weeks? 6 months? A year? 5? 10? This is your time to evaluate this person’s worthiness of being your match. Personally I wouldn’t want a life partner who won’t listen to and take into consideration my needs when clearly stated, nor one who reacts so hostilely to serious conversations. Maybe it’s worth trying to have a conversation with him about this when you’re both calm. How does he react? Is there a change in behaviour? Does he make an effort to speak your love language? The answers to these questions are valuable information.

If you honestly feel like you would be put off by further weight gain then end this. She might want to shift some weight, she might commit to exercising more regularly and eating more strategically and she might even lose some body fat (especially if she starts strength training.) But her body might work against her, she could break a leg and be unable to work out for a while, she might get really busy with work. She might get really busy with childcare! I think if you can’t love her at any size your love is conditional and she will sense this and the trust will be eroded. (Also it’s not great that she pressured you into getting back together. )

Be careful about how you editorialise things. You’re going on a vacation with your parents. - Fact This makes you a loser - opinion only. What if you were an only child? (I am). Then it would be impossible to have a family vacation without you. (Because without you it would just be the couple, your parents). What if your parents want to spend some quality time with you? You say you’re going to be a third wheel but why? Your parents get alone time the majority of the year. Maybe they actually want the opportunity to spend some quality time with you.

In your shoes I think I’d probably notify of a rent increase. To whatever amount would make you not mind picking up the slack. If they still want to keep living there, expect that they’ll keep doing what they do, tolerating peoples quirks is part of the deal of sharing your home. But now the financial savings are substantial enough you don’t mind. One thing you can do, set up home assistant. Then you can log in from anywhere that has internet and turn your lights off *wicked laugh* (and if they don’t have home assistant they won’t be able to turn them back on *even more wicked laugh* )

You said yourself the water is chemically treated. I think you’ll be fine.

As an objective outsider (with no hands on experience being a mum and a strong sense that it really Is an all consuming job in those early years, much sympathy for the lost you time here) I’m inclined to agree that going on the phone makes you absent in a way you might not realise but the kid is definitely noticing. But you also need time for yourself. Have a stab in the dark how much time. Tell your husband you’ve been thinking about what he said and you agree with him, phone away while child minding is better. You really want to adhere to this. But you need more breaks than you are currently getting. Would he sit down with you and brainstorm how you and he can work as a team so you can get some you time and the little one can get the maximum amount of time with attentive parents possible? Maybe there are scheduled times where he is locked in to be the one giving the kid quality time, maybe you hire a baby sitter a couple of times a week, maybe there’s a family member who can come and help sometimes, maybe he has some ideas? Tell him you think this is a valid concern and you need his help working out how to be the best parent and maintain your mental health.

What happens if you have a conversation when you’re both together and feeling calm and say something like ’as we’re heading into our conflicting shift times soon and the only time we’ll get together is weekends and late night, would you be up for spending half an hour with me, phone free when I first get home? I really like the kinds of conversations that arise between us when we’re low key spending time together like that and when you’re on your phone, I find those conversations are obstructed. There’s one other thing I’ve been starting to feel like our love life is a little bit dormant. I love making love to you and I’d love to be doing that more and I’d love it if you initiate a bit more.’ You’ve got two relationship killing issues here. I’m not sure if both can be covered in one conversation maybe assess how he reacts to thing one before broaching thing too. And if you have these conversations and he doesn’t change, do you want these traits in your forever person?

Not good enough for him? Well then, you shall darken his door no more! (I’m being facetious, you’re Too good for this guy and him saying such a mean and manipulative thing to you in the first place is proof of that in my opinion). You still have to grieve the person you thought he was. It’s gonna suck. But once you’re out of the fire (of repeatedly unmet expectations and emotional neglect) you for sure will begin to heal. Cheering for you.

Ooowch, forget him always ditching you on special occasions even though he knows it makes you really sad (where’s the compromise?!), he has a terrible temper and he’s told you plainly you’re not his first choice. DTMFA! (Dump this mother ***er’s arse). No matter how much you cherish the sacred bond of marriage, a live one still needs two participants to work and you’re flying solo here.

Today she popped up in my news feed sitting and smiling in a field of nasturtiums. Beautiful picture of a pretty good egg. Still bumped the scab though. I had a look at her timeline. The last post was from Feb, her talking about managing to keep alive a peace lily I’d given her for Christmas, she was elated. (One of the rare times I stepped up to the present plate). That’s it, no further posts till this profile pic update. I’ve been in two minds about removing her from Facebook, is that just my ego talking, demanding a consequence for her kindly ripping the band aid off. And my mind wants to do that tying itself in pretzels double think thing what if she was afraid we weren’t friends anymore because of low contact and that message had been a test, how would 1a1a react? Would she fight to save the friendship? (No 1a1a, pointless line of thinking, why would you want to be friends with someone who communicated their needs that obliquely?!) Then I thought, we were friends in feb and in the intervening year that ceased to be and that is very common and normal and ok, and it’s ok to disconnect on Facebook too. We’re not friends in real life anymore. She formally stated that. Why on earth be pretend friends on a social media site and leave yourself a window into the life of someone who actively does not want you to be a part of it?!

No, a different one. (I think that friendship not alive and also not dead, on ice perhaps. Last interaction was a bit of chitchat after she messaged to thank me for coming to what turned out to be her wedding).

Additional contemplation. There have been a few times over the last half a year where she’s given me a call, usually kind of later in the evening and I’ve missed it. I send a text the next day but maybe she wants and needs a friend that’s available to pick up those calls, maybe even makes some herself (I’m not much of a phone call person. ) Maybe further indication that she’s right that we don’t click. (Although clicking for me feels more like a vibe in person. Which, maybe she’s right about that too and I just have a higher threshold for the absence of click before I don’t want to see someone anymore. ) Ahhh, more opportunity to practice letting go.

Appreciating the perspectives. I’ve certainly been unfriended many times before and mostly in that quiet, always busy when invited out kind of way and there have been times in the past where I’ve felt varying degrees of hurt by that. Like they checked out of the friendship and didn’t bother to tell me. I think I might have come to a place of acceptance of that method now, I see it happen, read between the lines, get the hint. To have it formally stated really does stir in one a desire to ask why or to bargain. (Turns out there’s a movie in the cinema at the moment on this very topic called The Banshees of Inisherin) She definitely is a sensitive sort. Not even the first sensitive soul to end a friendship with me (while expressing some kind of continued care, just from a distance). Maybe there are things in a friendship she wants and likes that I don’t do and she never expressed wanting them. (Judging by how she interacted with me though, giving gifts and maybe way more regular phone calls are things that she likes and would make her feel cared for. Actually I have a small stock pile of gifts to give to her by now but we’ve seen each other all of once or twice this year and on the catch-up days I forgot to bring them. Didn’t realise how limited edition those would be!) Thinking about how enjoyable her company was in the first place, we did have good experiences together or we wouldn’t have gravitated towards each other. I suppose we tried it out, being friends, and as we got to know each other better it didn’t turn out to be a good fit.

I asked a friend I hadn’t seen in a while if she’d like to catch up and she replied along the lines of ‘I love you but I feel like we don’t click anymore and I don’t want to catch up’. Well, that’s certainly a thing that happens. And most people just ice me out so this is quite courteous to formally let me know. Still stings a little. Maybe the fact it doesn’t sting more reinforces she made the right call (as in I wasn’t invested enough). Maybe I have known many people I was fond of but didn’t click with (the difference between us being for me the fondness is enough for me to maintain the connection). So, that is that. I wonder what happened between Oct and now that crystallised that for her. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had been feeling it for longer though. At one point she backed off the friendship because she felt like I was wrapped up in my problems and didn’t have mental space to hear hers (which, was surprising to hear because I think if she’d shared them with me I would have listened. And that disconnect might further demonstrate that we’re a bit incompatible.) *sigh*

Can you call something out in the moment? you could say ‘wow! That’s a really strange and kind of rude thing to say, why would you say that?” or just ‘wow’ and let it hang there. discontinue the conversation, make it awkward. edits to add, maybe don’t make her spend any more time with people that are mean to her. You can deploy your surprised reaction scripts in her absence.