1a1a

If you venture back onto this thread (I know I sometimes want to hide from mine), then I offer you these thoughts; if you stand without the crutch of alcohol the pain will be excruciating. Of course it is, you wouldn’t have reached for the crutch if standing unassisted wasn’t awful. But this kind of pain (the grief of losing loved ones), the only way to heal it is to feel it, the only way past the storm is through. And every day you drink, you stay in the middle of the storm, temporarily avoiding excruciating pain by making yourself numb. Speaking as a non drinker (never have, don’t know what I’m missing), these are the tools I have used to bare that excruciating pain; intense physical exercise, journaling (lately I have been doing this in the third person, I read somewhere that by writing about myself in the third person I could help depersonalise the situations that were upsetting me a little), at the end of the day, I make a note of three things I’m grateful for. Really think about them, imagine myself back in the place where they happened, remember how I felt and consciously redirecting my mind when upsetting thoughts come up, either to the present moment (focussing on breathing, sounds, smells, sensations) or I think about something really pleasant (snuggling my rats, I imagine how soft their fur is, how my heart expands when I’m cuddling them). I’m very sorry for your loss and I hope you succeed in finding some care and making your way through the storm. I’m cheering for you.

Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope *jumps on nopetopus and sails away* What you’ve learned about him is that when he encounters your discomfort, he minimises and disregards it and tells you to get over it.

Your realisation described here has me in mind of a similar one I had recently, prompted by an exercise in the book ‘breakup bootcamp’ by Amy chan (I’m only a quarter of the way through but so far I’d say this book is pretty good for tackling old wounds, 11 out of 10 would recommend). This section of the book talked about how we internalise beliefs, about ourselves, about other people, ‘I’m not pretty enough, there are no good people in the world, I will be rejected’. There was a whole page of them, reading through, nothing felt like it applied to me until I saw that ‘I will be rejected’ one and OOOOOF, I have been carrying that belief into Every new connection of any value to me. It was especially evident in my last relationship and put unbearable pressure on my ex. Once you’ve identified a statement that resonates, like I did with that one, you consider it as the bottom rung of the ladder. The end goal is to get to a more objective and less fatalistic belief, but it’s too much of a leap to go from where we started to something that reflects reality. So you create a ladder. Second rung; I have been rejected by people in the past but I’m open to the possibility that someone will want to stay for the long haul in the future. Top rung; I have been rejected by some people in the past, sometimes it’s been a reflection on how they did not enjoy my company and sometimes it has been some completely unrelated thing going on in their lives. In fact, some of them have even reached out after some time had past and asked to reconnect. And some others have seen me years later and told me how much they enjoyed my company and were grateful to have met me (true story, one of the luke warm boys I dated did say this to me years later when we bumped into each other at a gig). There are many more people for me to meet and I am open to the possibility that I will meet the right one for me in the future. How would you climb the rungs of the ladder to get above the bottom rung ‘there are no good people in the world’. The other thing relates to getting preoccupied with thoughts. I believe the only way to get out of this is to actively practice redirection, think about patting a beloved pet, recall what it feels like to touch them, how your heart feels when you’re with them, recall a fun time with your nephew, recall a time you laughed deliriously with friends. You’re tasking your brain with a new thing to think about. And the more you direct your brain to think about this stuff, the stronger those neural pathways will become. Conversely, the more you feed the thoughts that make you feel bad and sad with your attention, the stronger Those neural paths will get (in short, you’re strength training your brain for self inflicted misery, the stakes are high.) The other places you can redirect your attention are to this very present moment, with focussed awareness (perceiving your breathing, what can you hear, what can you feel etc etc) and positive future forecasting (planning things you need or want to do tomorrow). With OCD you have a formidable foe but you’re still blessed with neuroplasticity, your brain can be trained in new directions.

My grandad passed away a couple of years ago and my mum said ‘please spend more time with your nana while she’s still alive to do so’. So I did call sometimes and ask her if she’d like a visit and she always says ‘let me check my diary’ and then finds a day that’s free so there is that but in any other connection that I was trying to grow after a few times of me taking the lead I would step back and wait and see if the other person was going to reciprocate. I don’t think she’ll ever reciprocate, she’s in her 80s, maybe she’s too old to form any new connections without there being Strong simpatico (which we for sure do not have). My mum has started seeing her every Monday and they’ll go out for a meal so I thought ‘great, maybe I can join them for lunch and get some contact time in that way. But I’ve been doing this on and off for a year now. My mum and I will get into a conversation and my nana just tunes out because she’s hard of hearing and doesn’t understand me At All. Sometimes my mum will repeat what I’ve said some she can be included in the conversation but not often enough I don’t think. I speak slower and louder and make eye contact, I’m not just there to talk to my mum, the whole point of making the trip is to build a relationship with my nana but it’s not happening. Sometimes my mum and Nana will start reminiscing about things from when they were both still in England and enjoy listening to those conversations, at least I can learn a little family history. But that doesn’t happen every time and I am disheartened. Today I ran late (I know) and after half an hour nanas like ‘ok I’ll head home now and leave you two to chat’. Which was big of her really but if she leaves my mum misses out on spending time with her too (not to mention the element of risk with her walking home). I’m really glad she spoke up and made moves to leave when she wasn’t enjoying it anymore but it has not gone unnoticed that she doesn’t enjoy it. I want to give up. The very abstract and hands off relationship we had before was better than this trying to get to know someone better who’s not available to be known.

I got brutal food poisoning on a trip to Indonesia in year 10, spent the last three days in the hotel room in agony. The food I suspected was a chicken curry and for 6 months I wouldn’t touch chicken. One day I decided to make myself brave it because there was this one dish I really liked making. I remember cooking it up and feeling like it was not appetising at all! Ate a bit, it tasted great, didn’t get sick. Aversion was gone from that point on. More recently gave myself brutal food poisoning eating 10 day old cream. But I didn’t make the connection at the time, I associated it with home made palak paneer and felt an aversion to that. Ironically at no time have I felt an aversion to cream, the thing that most likely poisoned me. I like the wait a little while longer and then eat just a very small amount of one idea. I think when your body realised it’s harmless the aversion will go

Speaking as a person who’s held onto a lot of people who blow hot and cold, in my experience they Never warm up.

Entertaining good faith for the time being, might it be worth contacting him and telling him you’d love to see him tomorrow, would he like to come to your place? Sounds like you two haven’t had much time together and you’re seeing a lapsing of effort and investment from his end, what if he also feels like you’re reducing effort and so he’s stepping back to see what happens? Once two people are stepping back like that, more distance will surely follow? Can’t say on the rest of it but it stuck out for me that he’s asking you for more if your time.

Inorite?! Didn’t get to go because the group was already full. But I did find an open hiking group and went on a hike Sunday, it was really good. That’s a thing that I think can fill my extravert cup when it’s empty. My ex reached out last Friday, invited me for coffee. We met up Sunday. Of course the magnetism is still there in person, we got onto us eventually. I told me if his plans in the coming year since we’ve broken up none of which involve finding a woman to start a family with of course! And he said when he found someone he’d have to date them for a while to see how they work together. No kidding?! Why won’t you do that with me?! I had questions to ask but we ran out of time. Picked up that conversation again over the last two nights. When I think about trying a 4th time the emotion that comes up for me is fear. He thinks, that the question of when to have kids has always been the deal breaker for him and if our wants line up on that then he’s all in for life. Hmm. It’s just words though. He did also acknowledge choices he’s made in the past that would erode my trust. He’s been treating this like dating, not a serious relationship. Which does seem to be a black and white distinction in his head. There’s women you date, and your wife to be. And how much they get prioritised varies dramatically. Stupid thing is though, as long as he treats me like a casual thing I will Never build up the trust to go all in with him. I think he knows that now. He identified some things he could/would do differently going forward. Spoke to the psych about it too. She said, well maybe one way to break the pattern is to actually move in (which could be a pretty different dynamic and a context in which he can be much more present and reassuring. Also, that would assuage his fear that I will bail at any moment). I’m digesting the new data at the moment. I think, I am not assuaged. Until he can tell me why he ends the relationship first, then, in a couple of weeks time is able to articulate the fears that lead him to take that action, I have no encouragement that that won’t happen again. He thinks it just won’t ever happen again because if I want to start a family in the next year or so we have no more deal breakers. Except we do, well I do. Putting a pin in sources of conflict and never coming back to them. I told them if he ever told me ‘I can’t win a fight with you 1a1a’ again, I’m out. This is peculiar new territory for me, in the past I think I just would have reconciled and been relieved. This time, my life is pretty full. Tasked for a third time with re imagining my life without him I have done it successfully. I do want to have that experience of making a nest and starting a family. With him maybe even but only if he can identify why he presses eject first and talks it out later. Hmm, he gave me his house keys. To build trust. I guess that is a new development. But the ability to introspect I value more highly. And he does seem to have done some. This is the first time he’s said ‘I could do differently so you’ll feel more secure’ (instead of ‘whyyyyyyy is 1a1a insecure?!’ When I’ve told him a million times what actions make me insecure and he’s just not listening). Do more Indian boy, do more!

I’ve been there. My last serious relationship ending shattered me and took yeeeears to recover from. Some things I know now I wish I’d known then; this relationship ending has very likely activated an old trauma that deserves to be acknowledged and then healed. How to spot and correct cognitive distortions. That what I tend to think about is what my brain is going to get really good at thinking about (so it’s even more important to observe thoughts like ‘I’m alone’ and ‘I’ll never find someone’ and refuse to feed them with more thinking. Think instead about the smell of spring or patting a dog or singing your favourite song or the last time you laughed deliriously with someone else, think about a positive memory). That my friends aren’t the best people to burden with endless rumination (journaling and psychologist for that). Journaling is a good tool for getting it all out of your brain. Writing entries in the third person may help with coming to terms with them, may even prod you to consider the other persons side of it. That you can find and join hiking groups on Facebook (or meetup.com). That participating in social activities with strangers really does help get you out of your head, prioritise this! That we can soothe ourselves. And in a calm moment brainstorm a list of things that can anchor you when you feel yourself getting freaked out/overcome with grief. Next time a wave of sadness hits you try some of the things on the list. That placing your face in a bowl of ice cold water resets the nervous system (and we need a little reset because your ex leaving you has caused your body to respond like you’ve been ostracised from the tribe and now you’re alone in the jungle surrounded by predators and in DANGER!!!!!! And for this reason, one, you need to do some deep breathing to convince your body you’re actually safe, and keep smashing the workouts because all those fight or flight chemicals need to get used up or they just hang around in the body). Before bed write down a few things from the day you’re grateful for. Try listening to Eckhart Tolle talking about heartbreak on YouTube, try reading his book a new earth, try reading breakup bootcamp, try listening to guided meditations for letting go of past relationships. Try the things suggested upthread and above all keep moving forward. Don’t stay still long enough for the night few of sadness to settle on you. Your mission over the coming months is to literally create and reinforce the neural pathways for letting go of someone and recovering your equilibrium.

Many acquaintances is a fantastic start. Pick 3 for now that you particularly enjoy the company of and message them saying you’ve had some free time come up and would like to spend it with some awesome people and were wondering if they’d be interested in catching up for coffee/*insert relevant mutual interest here* If you get any yeses offer some days days that you’re free and ask them what their free time is looking like. (In short take the steps to make an actual catch up plan). You may strike out on all three. That’s no problem. Some people won’t feel that simpatico you feel, some people think you’re rad but they’re really busy. Just pick the next three favourite acquaintance people and invite them out. And keep doing this. Forever. Think of it as tending a garden. You go out to social events that’s scattering seeds. You start being on talking terms with some people, those are baby plants. Inviting them out for enjoyable activities is like sunlight and water. It really is a numbers and time game, keep tending the garden, some plants will thrive.

It could be fair to say he’s not a good person to support you when you’re struggling. lolitas advice looks like solid gold! Ive been listening to this guy, Ram Dass. He’s a spiritual seeker I suppose and teaches a lot of the same lessons Eckhart Tolle teaches about bringing your attention to the present and detaching from your identification with your ego. Ram Dass would say your ex has ‘gotten you’ (that is to say, that interaction has triggered a reaction in you, it’s unearthed something you’re still attached to, an idea? A principle? An old wound that hasn’t been healed? And it made you go unconscious.) Try when your partner leaves and you see yourself getting upset by it saying out loud to yourself ‘ah, I see. That got me’ and then take some deep breathes, if your body is intensely experiencing the feelings associated with rejection, try submerging your face in ice cold water for 30 seconds (I haven’t tried this yet but it’s meant to reset the nervous system), do something really kind for yourself. Plan some really kind things you can do when ex leaves now when you’re calm. Maybe you eat a square of 95% dark chocolate (it tastes like ash, appropriate), maybe you do two minutes of yoga, maybe you listen to a song that really picks you up, maybe you give one of the little ones a cuddle if they’re willing. I’m sorry that you have to walk through this storm. I’m cheering for you and I know you’ll come out the other side evolved. The only way out is through!

Is this the person you want to be? Even if you feel like you are ‘out of contract’ morally speaking, with your ex in actions if not in name, to the best of your knowledge, the chiropractor is not. Right now he’s doing an absolutely savage betrayal of a woman he said he’d be committed to for life. What does that tell you of his character? I think we’ve just about all been there with the insane chemistry, it’s for sure a phenomenon. But the amount of times it’s lead to a stable and nourishing relationship, well, being on this forum does self select for failure it’s true but you can certainly find here catalogued a long list of intense fire that did Not eventuate into a stable and fulfilling relationship. My 2 cents, this reaffirms what you already know, that you personally are done with the relationship with your ex. And your picker needs some serious recalibration so you don’t think a shady cheater is the be all and end all of potential life partner prizes.

Do you have friends who’d be up for the odd phone call? And when you’re stopped somewhere check meet up and see if you can catch anything in your area. Also when you’re stopped, have a crack at writing letters to friends/family. In between that I recommend podcasts for the long stretches on the road, and audio books. Darknet Diaries is a great podcast, if you don’t listen to any other episodes at least listen to ep 39. Truly strange, extraordinary and sad story.

People watching is my favourite thing to do in town (and when I’m working at the casino, I dunno why but that crowd is interesting to look at). Routine implies for me a certain rhythm/repetition/predictability. Which back when I was doing those pre lunch work outs, I only worked fri/sat night and that life leant itself to routine better. These days my work hours vary wildly. The last psych I saw had a good suggestion of creating tomorrows routine before you go to bed based on your schedule. Haven’t had the brain space to try it yet though. I suppose prepping to leave the house does involve executing a routine, same with waking up and getting ready for bed but when I hear the word I think more like how the average day looks and this year the way the work has fallen has extra not leant itself to a rhythm. I’ve been looking for meetup groups to attend the events of. It’s a bit disheartening there are so few in my area, the cost to participate is sometimes quite high, the members are low and most events clash with work (but not all….for 65 bucks I could take an alpaca for a walk and eat cheese. Seriously considering it….)

I do tend to enjoy the things that I see when I’m out. I am a routineless person (work life is not conducive to it). In the past I had more free time during the week and a great work out habit where the exercise was triggered by my hunger for lunch. These last few days I’ve been squeezing it in before bed (upping the anti on what would have been in the past a walk).

Jogged in the drizzly night, it was nice, when I was back inside I thought about a drizzly walk up a hill in Tasmania when I was there last. We were meant to be going to Tasmania in two weeks time. The trips booked that were the first tangible sign of my commitment to him. And a reaffirmation of his to me. What a liar! If not to me then to himself. *sigh* I thought jogging was meant to clear the mind.

The task of unloading the things and interacting with the venue manager (and navigating the bus driver who wanted to move into his bus zone I was partially parked in *whistles innocently* ) brought me back into the present moment and provided welcome relief. Now although I’m bone weary I’m gonna do a strenuous workout for a short duration of time. (And then sleep). I won’t be sad to see the back of the last wave of grief associated with this Indian boy who showered me in love and flattery and big dreams and manifest a tiny fraction of it.

That’s been especially helpful thinking how we both experience the pain of coming apart. And sure enough, the last two times, it’s been that pain that brings him back, even though in his heart of hearts he still believes we’re a bad fit. I’ve been mostly looking forward. Just tonight, wave of grief time. Think about his smiling face, cry, think about how sad and pensive he looked the night he ended it. That smiling face is not for you 1a1a, nor is that sad looking one, or the person who plans his friend catch ups without checking when you’re available, the person who wasn’t secure enough to offer reciprocity, the person who thinks it’s more important to eat dinner with his house mate than sit with you, more important to bid on second hand cars than spend time with you, the person without the emotional maturity to introspect and see his part in how we clash, the person unable to reassure you when you seek it, and it’s not like you don’t have room for improvement in how you ask to have your needs met but this person who miss remembers events to suit his narrative, he’s not for you either, nor that person you were meant to explore Australia with, you never needed him to see the world with new eyes, buy your own bunches of flowers now (I legit have started doing this). Still sad. And a delivery to town stands between me and any kind of creature comforts of or distraction things at home. Blegh!

Piano is great. Up the anti, learn a song on the piano and sing at the same time. *solidarity fistbump* the broken sleep struggles are reeeeeal. You’re mileage may vary and I haven’t tried this yet but try 20 minutes of intense cardio a day. The broken sleep is from an over abundance of stress hormones in our bodies, exercise will help dissipate them.

Something you could try now when you’re calm, brainstorm a big list of things you can do when the next wave comes to stay afloat! For the rising panic, I haven’t tried this yet but apparently if you submerge your face in ice cold water for 30 seconds it resets the nervous system (in other words halts that fight or flight response in its tracks) For the sadness that settles over you like dew you have to get up and moving if you don’t want to feel it’s chill, go for a jog or a walk, go outside in the sun and look at a tree, learn to play guitar and sing at the same time (this activity is the Only activity that could distract me from my grief when my heart was shattered. It’s really hard, any activity that’s really hard and requires a lot of your brain to do will have the same effect I think), get onto meet up, be dismayed at how dull and how small the selection of activities and then pick the least bad sounding three that line up with your free time and commit to attending! Play your favourite music and draw or paint something.

This is encouragement gold. Brain too tired to engage properly but thank you all for lending your thoughts. At the end of the day, I want to be cured! Googled trauma bond (that suggestion might have been a different thread), doesn't quite resonate (the og boyfriend was pretty distant though, maybe that left a sub par model for relationshipping. But the 3rd guy I was with was an absolute sweetheart who returned my emotions in kind and at a later stage in life probably he would have been good for the settling down with. We were together two years, so I have had at least one long term, stable, fulfilling relationship. And the next long term relationship after that was with another guy of similar calibre. But in the end my feelings for him had faded and we parted). Looked up emotional availability too. Since I have so much trouble letting go of bad fits, does that mean I'm emotionally unavailable? How do I become more available? But I readily talk about feelings mine and others and hide nothing of myself, this shoe doesn't fit either and that's frustrating (not because I want that shoe to fit but because I want to form a meaningful relationship with someone that goes the distance). Maybe there is no diagnosis and it's just attachment/neediness (I did come out of the last relationship as a black hole of need. That was a long time ago, and that need has calmed down a lot, but I guess still haven't made it to totally full life full of awesome things and people so awesome I don't waste another second with someone who expresses doubts town yet!) And maybe the cure for this is no different to the cure for eating too much treat food. Just discipline. On another of my threads someone described letting go of the bad fit relationships as an act of self care (also that holding onto them is a poor personal choice. Make good choices, live better life). Seems so simple. But I have a hunch if you'd told me any years previous since last savage heart break (and I probably have been told many many times), maybe I just couldn't hear it before. I'll keep seeing the psych, she did give me a pretty killer get over the ex action plan.

Fellow insecure person here, just solidarity. Yes you have a duty of care to work on your insecurity and work on your communication (if you’re stirring up fights are you recreating patterns from childhood or is it something specific about this relationship that’s not working?) But also, imagine having a partner who was self assured enough they could reassure us when we feel insecure? Imagine if the roles were reversed? Would you have extended more compassion to your insecure mate?

I feel that. The not changing sentiment didn’t resonate with me (until I looked it up today I thought the line was ‘I can’t change who I am’ and the internal monologue was ‘I can, but he still tells me he’s ending it because my insecurity makes him insecure, so, on the basis of that, *** no he wasn’t strong enough.) Maybe the real reason he ended it is ‘I’m not feeling it anymore’. I wish he’d said that, it’s the only reason that murders hope. Missing the potential of a relationship with him today. (Like, the companionship and knowing that person is in your corner and being held). But then thinking how when we were together he didn’t naturally plan much or contact me much. Like, did you know you can go ‘hey Siri, tell 1a1a how much I love her’ and Siri will compose a text and ask if you’d like to send it. It’s That easy. And the end of a long long long day when I was allegedly on his mind but he was too wiped to text or call, the amount of effort to ask Siri to do it is the effort it takes to speak two sentences! I only know because he sent me a message that way the last night we spent together. What do you miss 1a1a? This person who, if they really did have romantic feelings and an attachment to you, was more comfortable pining over photos of you than actually contacting you, the flesh and blood person to say hi?! This person who it was such an effort to get time with? Who once you had it was distracted by his used car sales side hustle? This person who thought it was more important to go and eat dinner with his housemate and finish his conversation with you? This person who needs two months to cool off every time he spends 6 weeks as your partner?!!!! One of my co workers asked to see a picture of him the other day and I dug one out from WhatsApp, he’s at the 7 sisters in Victoria (ocean landmark), the sun is setting, he’s smiling. Look at that smiling face. Yeah, but that smiling face has assessed us a bad fit and left.

Forgot to add, this came on the radio at work last night. I just caught the ‘can’t change who I am, are you strong enough to be my man?’ bit. *SNORT* No!

In an hour’s session she really only made it through the last two serious relationships and the disaster string of Luke warm boys that processed in the 5 years following (and she was my couples counsellor so she knows about the most recent too though not in depth about the amount of conflict we’ve had). She kept coming back to ‘these people were bad fits so of course you feel anxious, something is wrong.’ And yeah, they all were. But what about the part where I hold onto the unavailable person for months (years)!!!!! Talk off the ears of every person who’ll listen, make endless posts here, be the (eventually) grateful recipient of a strong chorus of ‘he’s just not that into you’ from friends and forum members alike and still not let go? Doesn’t that indicate some kind of attachment malfunction? How does she explain 4 years of depression after the last serious relationship ended?! I’m really bothered by this. It feels going to the drs with some kind of pain and being told ‘you’re fine, everything checks out’. She says I don’t have attachment issues I just make bad choices in dating. (She said she’s studied it. You do understand there’s some anxiety involved right? Like if ‘just making the choice to walk away’ came naturally to me I would already be doing it!!!!!!!!) And how does she explain the catastrophising? We never even got to discuss how I feel like the person has lost interest in me when I don’t hear back from them. Especially if I see that read message receipt. Ugh, I Hate that thing! (Would she just say, but you’re not catastrophising because your instinct that this person was pulling away was correct!’? My most recent ex, who did turn out to be not committed to me at all, used to say he’d read my messages as soon as they came in because he was excited to see what I had to say, but he’d need a bit of time to compose an answer so he’d have to wait till he finished work to reply. Hence, read receipt, on a text that wasn’t being ignored….) Then I think maybe telling you you’re fine and don’t have attachment issues, maybe that’s part of the cure. Then she coaches me to make better dating choices *raises eyebrows* Maybe the learning to make better dating choices would be the cure and is perfectly sound advice for All who make bad choices in dating, attachment traumatised and not. Which then made me wonder why am I so bothered? I’ve been reading Eckhart Tolle, had a lightbulb moment earlier of ‘ah, my identity is tied up with this description’ but also, the pattern of not letting go has caused me a lot of suffering over the last 8 years. When she says I don’t have a problem then I feel like the hope of fixing that problem diminishes. (But I think I understand at this point that maybe the cure for insecure attachment might be in fact the same as the cure for a broken heart. Fill up your life/meditate/work to mitigate reactivity.)