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Not withstanding everything else about the relationship (be it good of bad). Without your partners past, he couldn’t be in this present. You two might not have even met let along get together. Would that be preferable?

Your past brought you to present. No period of self discovery, would also mean no current partner.

Ps, check out the tv show Daria, she’s a conscientious objector to participating in pe too 😄

Hellooooo, no great advice, just god tier solidarity. I sucked at PE too and I hated it and the moment we could choose our own subjects I dropped that one like it was hot. And you know what? Some 10 years later I discovered I actually enjoy fitness. Working out, strength training, aerobics videos on YouTube. I like getting my heart rate up and breaking a sweat. But not competitive sports. I will hate them till the day I die and being forced to do them in school put me off of exercise for a solid decade afterwards. It all gets better after school, I am 100% certain it’ll get better for you too In the mean time, the suggestions to volunteer or join a community doing something (like theatre) is a really good one, having a life outside of school will help you realise how small and inconsequential it is. And, entiiiirely optional but you could have a crack at working out on your own time. Not to get good at sports, stuff them! But to learn that your body can move and be strong too. I like using body weight workouts on YouTube, no equipment required. And the zombies run couch to 5k app. And if you can get your hands on it Gillian Michael’s 30 day shred is great too.

Your instincts are correct, don’t tell them they are your motivation for returning. I think, plan your trip and extend invitations to both of them, these should be pretty easy to do just say ‘hey I’m coming back to town to visit and was wondering if you’d like to catch up for coffee’ Do a coffee invite first, not dinner, people are more likely to agree to coffee. You can offer a fairly wide date range like maybe you’re coming back for 2 weeks or a month (you don’t actually have to come back for this long, you’d lock in the times to see them and adjust travel dates accordingly). Make sure you catch some other people while you’re there so the trip isn’t a bust if the coffee catch ups don’t go well. And do yourself a favour, make a commensurate effort to meet some new people in your new location as well as extending these two invitations. They could be the two coolest human beings on the planet but there are also friends in your current city you haven’t met yet.!

This is valuable information. He doesn’t want to go on a date with you. (Although I’d be with you, you two have been dating. It’s telling he doesn’t want to call it that though). Throw this one back and keep looking for someone who’s unambiguous.

Perhaps if your goal is to make it in a specific field that is very competitive and he can see you don’t have that leading edge required to make it? But if you’re there for the journey, rather than the destination. The University experience, the people you’ll meet, the techniques and perspectives you’ll learn about. Then nananana that’s some lame ish gate keeping. And anyway, by what criteria are we assessing the drawings? Good art is truly in the eye of the beholder!

I adore this idea!

*thoroughly appreciates peoples words* After posting this I was reflecting on the friendship that was, or, not even the friendship, what did this person bring into my life? And before we faded out he brought some things that ended up being corner stones of who I am today (venturing out into the music scene, making the move to the city, becoming interested in and committed to sustainable living, ecological and social justice. Most of this stuff he embodied at a 10, and me, it's a lower number but it's still there and they are things about myself I like.) So I dug out an recording of an old band of his and said something to that effect and made a post on the commemorative group page. (I teared up a bit doing this so maybe there is some sadness there.)

I found out via a group message on Facebook. I suppose it is good community that I was included in the loop, I appreciate that. Imagine just not knowing?! But also this person faded me out of their life over a decade ago. He was important to me when I was just stepping into adulthood. The reason I moved out from home, my first housemate, the person who showed me around the local music scene and got me into environmental and social justice. A formative figure if you will. I had the maddest crush on him but his feelings lay elsewhere and I was happy to connect with him as a friend. He got heaps more involved in activism for the local indigenous community and the last time we did something together I got the feeling that he didn’t want to hang with me, wrong ancestral heritage (you know writing this now there was probably a bit of projection on my part too but what is done is done and he certainly never made any effort to stay in touch when I did so, naturally drifted apart.) I felt so hurt and snubbed I kind of checked out of the friendship and it faded. I feel like I should be sad but I feel nothing. Perhaps I grieved the loss of this person long ago. I’ve been added to a Facebook group where people are sharing their stories. It’s really sweet. Seems like he made an impact all over Australia in the best way. (And it stings a little because that wasn’t my experience with him.) Ah well, I’m certainly glad I met him, he was a good influence.

It’s not a negotiation. Tell him he isn’t allowed to discipline the kids in his way. Whatever he says back to that ‘I respect that you feel like that but this is a hard boundary and I need to you to respect it’. Or skip this discussion entirely and stop inviting him to places where the kids will be. Agree with the others if he’s not willing to flex on the method of discipline don’t have kids with this guy.

Get your hands on a copy of a new earth by Eckhart Tolle and read it (public library for the win). I think it could be an easy trap to fall into, kicking yourself for hanging around in the fire for so long. But what good will that do you? How about gifting yourself some grace and compassion. You did learn the lesson in the end, staying broken up and disentangled for a whole year, that’s fantastically good stuff. That’s all you. You tapped into your mightyness and did what needs to be done. I have a friend who spent 10 years never quite being chosen by the guy she loved. In the end he went radio silent on her again and she got so sick from worry it nearly killed her. Her body was telling her, no more with this person. The thing you both have control over is what happens next. You do have a choice with the obsessing too, I know the thoughts are going to keep popping up, that’s what intrusive thoughts do. Your task is to not feed/entertain/indulge them. ‘Ah, I see I am having a thought.’ *redirect your attention back to the present, your breathing, what you can hear, feel, smell*. Definitely, save up for more talk therapy too, this is a good investment. I’m sorry you got entangled in such a harmful relationship and proud of you for leaving it.

All that comes to mind is this *grimace grin*

Have you read any Eckhart Tolle? Like you by the time he reached adulthood he was carrying a lot of grief. He might be able to help you find a way through it. I read A New Earth and watched his YouTube channel and found it very helpful. co signing giving mental health care another go too, psychologist, not psychiatrist. (Psychologists can’t prescribe medication)

Does he really want to choose you? Why is he still another country away? If he was serious about rebuilding the relationship with you he would come back to Ireland yesterday. (And maybe if he say as much to him and he comes back to Ireland today, you might oblige him a little more time to show that he can and will show up again as your partner. In the absence of that, set yourself free. This person has abdicated his responsibilities as your life partner. )

I think, it was a question only. Would it be beneficial to you to get some time in the house just you and your partner? Then maybe you’d be agreeable to coordinating with your housemate and her partner a little bit so you both get some alone time in the house. And if that’s not something you desire enough to go to the effort of coordinating it, politely decline. I reckon if you dig into your reaction a little bit you might find that although he did present that as a question, it landed for you as an imposition. Like this mooch who comes into my home and doesn’t pay rent is now asking me to leave it so he can get alone time. Take a breath, take a step back, observe all that has happened decide if you want to take him up on this suggestion or not and then let it go I think.

I experienced similar and ended up taking sex off of the table. I’m sex positive but I couldn’t bear another once and never see them again. Still after this plenty of guys weren’t interested enough to date me seriously but it helped me stay clear headed and let them go.

I’m very glad this thread got woken up, now it’s full of great things for me to try 🙂 I kinda stopped thinking about this (got too busy, and near burned out but, before work took me over…) I did find one thing, a local hiking group on Facebook. Pretty big, lots of people closer to my age. I made it out on one hike with them and it was really good. Lots of incidental conversations, filled my cup. I’ve got to keep my work hours more sane going forward so I will have more time to try some of these other suggestions

Does the thought of dinner fill with you with joy or dread? Act in according with the feeling you feel I think.

The visual of your husband snacking on your unwanted plate of food made me chuckle 😄

I’ve got mad respect for that. All the same, things that upset us generate energy. Crying releases it. (Expressed anger releases it. Deep breathing and focussed attention in the moment followed by some strenuous exercise at the earliest available opportunity also releases it, the last one absolutely requires practice to be the default though. What I’m saying is, crying is a natural, human emotional response to stressful situations, (like having your PTSD triggered) and I think you’re throwing out the baby with the bath water if you dismiss an otherwise good employee for having a reaction like that. (Generalised you, not you specifically). )

Two things, if you do have to leave I am confident you will thrive in a new location, you have already proven yourself valuable in this one. And is crying at work really this kiss if death? That sucks. A person with higher emotional reactivity (say, a person who, due to their gender has not been socialised into repressing their feelings and is also running on lack of sleep for example), can still possess a set of skills that make them an invaluable employee *grumbles at the male centric ideal of the working world*

Co signing don’t take the food if you’re just going to throw it out And if people are persistently pushy they’re being rude. And this sounds like an actual manifestation of OCD and you have two choices, carry on living as you are right now with this limitation (which in my opinion is extreme) or seek mental health care to unpack the fear. I think if you never addressed it though that would be fine, just a quirk of being you, and an opportunity to endlessly practice defending your boundary of ‘no thank you, I don’t want the food. Please don’t give it to me. This looks like a good meal and I want you to enjoy it!’ (Having said that if society breaks down and the food chain breaks you may need to develop more mental resilience fast (I suspect your body’s resilience is already better than you’re giving it credit for. ))

You might feel like you couldn’t raise a child by yourself, I feel the same. But ohhhhhhhhhh it’ll be far safer and less stressful than trying to raise a child with someone who has savagely attacking you as just something that they do sometimes when they feel like it. The woman on baggage reclaim likes to say that people unfold, the more we get to know them. I’m so sorry you’re seeing parts of him now that make him fully unsafe to be around. This is part of who he is. A guy who expresses his displeasure with the silent treatment and viciously attacking you.

A friend of mine has bpd (and very likely adhd and certainly possibly ptsd, since bpd develops out of a sustained state of feeling unsafe). She has really bad short term memory. Like, worrying, could be a health problem, bad short term memory. It is definitely possible your fellow also has bad short term memory when he is in or is recovering from being in a state of high alert. Whether his repetition is nefarious or innocent, for the time being, I offer you the challenge (take it at your discretion) of observing it without attaching a value judgement.