ProbablyALostCause

Relationships are like Everest. Yeah the climb and the journey can be rough. It's never going to be perfect. And never once in any iteration of any sort of anything I've ever posted or said or even thought anywhere, did I say anything about wanting a perfect relationship. The point is, you HAVE a husband. Almost all people have SOME form of worth in romance in their lives. My lack of ability to reach what brings me peace is having horrible effects on my mental health that no amount of therapy or self-love will fix. It's something I cannot live with. It's something I wish I could fix but no inanimate object, green paper, level of responsibility, amount of travel, or amount of platonic friendship could ever stand as a replacement for. Yes problems will always exist. And I never was looking for a perfect end to all of my problems in someone else. And I'm not assuming that you're saying I am, it's just that's what society says, just like in Wiseman2's comment. It's all about the assumptions that other people make. This is WHY I am alone for this long. If it's not my face, it's the negative judgements people make based off the times I am not perfectly giving them their serotonins as their perfect little vending machine. I don't see myself as a human. I see myself as an object. To be used for laughs or company or advice, to be put through the professional motions. I can do as many things for myself to attempt to make things easier and I will still dip so far at the end of the day that it's not just as if there is no hope. It's that it puts my mind in a state where there is not a single percentage of a doubt, that there IS no hope for me. That I would be better off not living. And nothing I've ever reached is able to put that right. And I've made it clear... The last thing I could do with my life is sit on my ass in my home and wait for someone to come to me. I've been putting myself out there for so many years it's ridiculous, as my friends were all meeting their someones at 14 and all I ever got was used for platonic crap and jobs. Nothing against my friends... I attract lovely people. Honest, genuine people. I just believe they all deserve a better friend. Someone more worthwhile who isn't in too destroyed a state of heart to be able to offer proper friendship anymore. I would rather be struggling financially. I would rather be facing the rough spots of life WITH someone. I would rather have someone to support, to have someone to be there to support me, and again, it does not have to be perfect, I just know that always putting my energy into that kind of connection is what brings me peace. What calms my mind. I exist in a state where I know for a fact I will never know peace. I will never be able to calm my mind. I've tried medications, I've tried drugs, I've tried so many activities that I know a good chunk about almost everything there is to know, save for some higher-level careers and advanced calculus. Nothing could ever destroy me like this does. Like this has for years since I realized I was less than human. Less than a valid being because of my face and the way people perceive me based off societal morals and values. I never back down from life. I've taken anything on at eye level no matter how frightening it is. I just don't understand why I have to be perfect without a single remnant of a hint of a fraction of a flaw, while everyone else need only be themselves. If I had someone cheering me on. That kind of connection I've always truly needed to bring peace to my spirit, to my heart and mind, so what if something is more difficult than this. But this is my worst nightmare. This is the most absolutely horrifying reality I could ever possibly have been damned to. And I know that for a fact. Once physical torture becomes a pleasant retreat, the only distraction from loneliness, hell { if such a place exists } begins to look as a pleasure cruise. Judge me as you wish for saying this. I just wish the positives of me could hold any sort of value whatsoever beyond a cold, hard and platonic level. I'm sick of being a vending machine... I want to be a real person

You are guessing my entire personality by the thing I am most depressed about. Of course you would say that's the problem. Society says the effect created the cause. This is not true. But you didn't read what I originally posted.

I would rather be used for my body or be someone's plan B than be forever-alone scum with this nightmare hanging over my shoulders every day. I just wish I knew what everyone else has that I don't. How people who blatantly are known for cheating and manipulating are NEVER single but I am so gross facially that no matter what I do it's never, ever enough.

You're talking about some city stuff that in non-culture hubs, does not exist. Would be nice to travel to a city for that but I'd never get anywhere with it. They always tell me that I haven't met the right person. I meet all the right people. They just 100% choose someone better than me. I wish face mattered less and what is beneath the skin could matter more. It's a shame your friend didn't notice. It seems like perhaps he had a preference that wasn't being met, or simply had higher priorities.

I wish it weren't funny. Seems everyone except for a handful of people gain endless humor out of it. Idk. I wish I wasn't me. All I've wanted for years is to be something other than me. I'm glad you can make it fun for yourself. I wish I had that kind of strength. I see my brother having fun with his wife and daughter and I feel like such a disgusting waste of human flesh. "guys are lucky, they can date and have kids as long as they want" if they can. If I'm waiting until I am 50 to finally meet that person... it is pointless. That and I'd want to BE there for any children I ever had... What good does it do to die within a year or two of their birth. I guess the problem is... Something makes me not a good man. Beautiful celebrities, in a world where people go after money and looks over character... Go figure... But if I had been with any one of them, I wouldn't have made them miserable... I wouldn't have cheated. Just one relationship has been impossible for me. I guess I'm just in the pathetic mindset of that if there was someone in my life I wouldn't betray them. I wouldn't want them to be gone again. I know I just sound stupid. But I'm old enough and have been through enough not to be naive. I know what I want, I know what I need... And I know who I am and how I treat others. I wish I knew what makes me a wrong guy. Look, they got married again, they could find someone again, someone would date them again... There wasn't even a first time for me. God's plan seems for me to be alone and miserable until I've passed away and everyone has forgotten me. I don't love god anymore. I could have handled challenges, I could have handled obstacles, hurdles, struggles. But I can't overcome being the most disgusting thing, living my own worst nightmare. I just wish there could be ANYTHING I could do to change this. Anything at all. You've dated a ton, people gave you a chance. You'll meet the right person. No one would touch me with a fifty foot pole.

I always wonder why so many different kinds of people can form relationships and I can't. It's not that I think there's something wrong with them. It's that clearly, there is something wrong with me. Everyone is beautiful and I feel like the one exception. I've had a lot of different perspectives but the problem I have is that none of those perspectives have ever seen me as a romantic option. Again... There's something wrong with me. I've been in all kinds of places in my head, good and bad, and now I just feel hopeless because no matter HOW things get, I am STILL alone. It can't change. Nothing can change it. Nothing is enough to fix me. They say I'm still young. That I just need to wait. I was young at 17 when my heart was already broken. When I was already the odd one out who was just not good enough. It's just worse now. I'm just worse. I wouldn't think these things or say these things if they weren't true, if I were beautiful like anyone else. Friends, family. But no one I can reach out to. Friends don't talk deep. Family isn't close. Maybe for others it's different. Building myself up, being confident, calming anxiety, I have ways to do all of those things. But they never make me attractive or even slightly worthwhile. I'm like that one human with no redeeming features. I just don't understand why. You're married to someone. You have no idea how much I wish I could be more like him. More like the person you love. More like someone who CAN BE loved. I can't explain in words how much I wish I could be that good. How much I just want to be able to have a normal relationship with someone. How much I wish I knew what is so disgusting about me so I can fix it.

Thanks everyone but it seems again the situation is being misunderstood. My problem is that I can't meet someone and be more than a friend to them. I guess I'll just keep searching for a place where someone knows a way to help me with that... but I doubt it will ever happen.

I don't know how to even start this off. I don't even know if abominations like me are allowed here. What I can say is that I'm living my worst nightmare. This will probably get turned into a meme or a joke or get removed completely, or people will tell me to do what I'm already doing as a way to "improve" myself. I've done everything I can. I've spent my life working since I was 15, working on jobs and on myself. Working hard to make my passions come to life. I'm not rich... Maybe that's the issue. But I know for sure that I'm horrendously ugly. I've never been in one relationship and I don't know what it's like to be kissed or flirted with. I was obese in my early teens. Trimmed myself down to a healthy and athletic weight. I figured that might help but it didn't. People told me to improve myself. That's all I ever did. People told me to stop caring. For years I did. People told me to focus harder. And I did, so many times. Nothing worked. No matter what it seems that my face is getting in the way of not just my romantic life but now my life in general. I'm 28. When I was 16 I was already depressed because everyone around me was dating and it hit me deep in the heart, gave me pain like I can't describe, and nothing I can do is ever enough to dull it. Over the years inanimate objects and an empty home have started to feel not just unfulfilling, but like it's just causing me more pain. I spent years as an extrovert and now I can no longer do the things that I love. There are always people out there together... Seeing them hurts so much. I know this just makes me worthless and pathetic to women but that's how I feel and I can't help how I feel. Someone born male should be a stoic, strong image of perfection. And I used to be able to keep up an image that everything was alright. But I can't anymore. This is severely damaging my mental health. Nothing I do or try is enough to fix it, and doing the things I used to love is impossible. You could tell me to work out more, I work out as much as I desire to and I'm in good shape. And as much as I never thought I should have to mold myself into someone else in order to be appreciated, I realize that only certain things are considered beautiful/handsome/etc. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if anyone even has any advice but to laugh at my face because I am what I've described myself as, an abomination. I just want to be able to love life again. I just want to be happy. And I know now that I can't be happy alone. Not everyone can. I can try to lie to myself for years and years and years, while they tell me "You'll find someone in your 20's" "You'll find someone in your 30's" I'm not sure I'm going to make it to my 30's. And I know. This is stupid and pathetic and every other negative thing in the book. I hate the labels and stigma that comes with being what I am. The only thing I ever asked for in life was for someone to be willing to see me for what is beneath the surface, to look past my unappealing face and to all of the effort I've put in, to all the talents I've picked up, to my humor, to my passion, or at least be willing to use me for a while and throw me away. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to be the most disgusting person anymore. I don't want to be hideous anymore. And I don't know how to get help. I don't know if I can get help. If this gets taken down please just ban me from this site. All I want is to reach out and be heard. I don't know how much longer I can do this.