Mand

@Andrina @Wiseman2 Thank you for your reply. He has a loan which he took out to pay his previous credit cards- he spends a lot of money on himself, granted he paid for our holiday on it aswell and a few other bits and pieces. He has a new credit card too, prob about 12 grand in debt in total, all in his name. I don't have a credit card and only owe on our mortgage, sofa and boiler which is a joint thing. Although I'd feel bad him having all that debt on his own when he has used some of that money on us and our needs too so i would contribute a bit if we were to call it a day. Yeah I reckon he'd have the kids 1-2 nights a week. He's not a terrible person, he doesn't yell at me, we don't argue really, and when we do it's never in front of the kids. He is not violent, not a drunk, he doesn't cheat, or at least I've never had any suspicions and I trust my gut. He also works hard so I don't have to. Wanted to throw some positives in there because I'm feeling a bit guilty about this thread etc 😅 I just feel very neglected. I have never cheated on him and don't plan to but sometimes I imagine my life with someone else whoever that may be. I do work extra hours when kids at school to bump up my wages but that hasn't changed any dynamics in our house. When he is ready for this face to face talk, we will set some rules. Maybe 1 night a week of eating and chilling together, to get to know each other again. I won't be bringing him up dinner anymore and haven't for a few evenings so far. I'll only make us all a good dinner when I've been off work and he hasnt and he can collect it himself. When both at work, we can eat easy food, when he is off and I am not, it will be his responsibility to cook for us. Also I've arranged 2 nights out this week with friends, Tues and weds. I have been taking on the advice of all you wonderful people. I've learnt to stop focusing all my energy on him and this marriage and live for myself. Also I'm looking into discovering what my hobby is, other than exercising and I will keep at whatever hobby that is. Thank so much.

@boltnrunI know what you're saying. Maybe that is the case but I have threatened to leave a few times and he talks me out of it, promises he'll change. And he does change for a few days, it never lasts. The last time I said i can't do this anymore, he talked about suicide, this was yesterday, via text. Its so tricky, we've both been working since Thurs and he's on nights tonight and I'm on a day shift tomorrow. I'm going to forget about it all tonight and have a glass of wine and put some comedy on. Thanks x

@MissCanuck I have to push him to spend time with his kids, he just doesn't enjoy it. He'll chat with them for 5 mins or so when he gets home from work but he definitely neglects them. Now and again we will go to the park together. Not long been to Spain together but he let me parent while he relaxed most of the time. I knew that would be the case. It's always just expected of me. I know I only work 25 hours a week but it's not as if I'm a stay at home mum, he needs to pull his weight, even if only 10 percent. And yes I do the bathing, feeding, all that stuff x

@SooSad33I've told him all this, that he needs his meds reviewed, perhaps altered or changed to a different type. I'll book him the appt in the week, if we're talking by then. He's watching the wrestling in Cardiff next weekend, out for a curry with his friends Friday and going kayaking the following weekend. Also has marbella with his friend next month.. so it's not as if he doesn't have the energy for life. I only want him to eat his dinner with me sometimes. I've given up trying, it's on him. If things don't change I have to leave. X

@Wiseman2he drinks some nights but not loads, maybe a couple. When he's out with his friends he gets very drunk. I'm not pushing him for the talk. He's on a night shift tonight and we haven't spoke since last night, when I text saying, I think we need a proper talk and he replied with, I'm going to sleep so I send a thumbs up emoji and left it as that. I'm not chasing. He knows where I am. X

@itsallgrand yeah I did think he'd be different and maybe a fun dad. Right from the start after having our eldest, 7 years ago, he wasn't hands on at all. The more i think about it, i realise, housework wasnt his thing when we first got together either. He is quite a selfish person in general. But somewhere in me knows he loves me but it isn't enough. X

@itsallgrand thanks for your reply. He loves his job, I've suggested him changing for better hours but he doesnt want to. He does 2 days, 2 nights, 4 days off in that pattern. Every 2- 3 months he gets 18 days off but he often does overtime. I think we as a family overwhelm him. We have an older boy with autism, and his sister often copies his behaviours and I'm the type that wants everything done yesterday, prob adhd. I definitely hold back around him and try to give him a calm environment when he gets home. X

@MissCanuck No counselling at all. Whenever I've brought it up, he says it won't benefit him, talking therapy would be his worst nightmare. He can't even talk to me about serious things, unless in a text. He definitely needs another gp review though. I think I've let him get away with so much in the past that there are no boundaries now. You give an inch and they take a mile. I do think he is capable of suicide, but I need him to know I will take it serious if he threatens with it. Thank you x

@Wiseman2 i will most definitely try those things. Anything he leaves on the floor will go in his little games room that he retreats to, for him to sort out himself. I will stop bringing his dinner up to him and stop asking for his attention. He prob sees me as a nagging partner and tries to avoid me as a result. He's not the cheating type plus i don't think he has the energy. He's more interested in gaming or drinking with his mates. We are still intimate but often it's random, most likely he's come downstairs or upstairs (often we are in different rooms) to try it on, no effort beforehand. I will refuse if not in the mood. I'm going to do more for myself and stop thinking and focusing on this marriage. Thank you

@LambertI do sometimes think it could be manipulation, like he picks and chooses when hes depressed. I know he has it, but I think he might play on it sometimes. Sorry you've been through it too, well done on having the strength to leave. Marbella is a place in Spain, he's going with one of his friends. His parents have a villa there so we can often go when we want. You're right about focusing on myself, I spend a lot of my time focusing on how to save our marriage and feeling sad about it. He spends no time worrying about it. I know I need to get out more and see my friends and look after myself more. I worry about leaving him for many reasons, one being my eldest has autism and any slight change will affect him. Leaving his dad may need to happen but I wouldn't be able to afford our home on my wages alone. I think I need to seek support from a mortgage advisor too. Thanks so much

Thank you for your reply. This is what concerns me, being in this exact position year after year. Time is precious. I do love him and he tells me he loves me but actions speak louder. He's on medication, if I booked him an appt with the gp, he'd go so maybe that's the next step. I just sometimes feel that he uses the depression as an excuse because can make the time and effort with his friends but not me. Xx

I've been with my husband for 10 years and married for 8. We have 2 children, a boy aged 7 with high functioning autism and a girl aged 5. We've drifted apart since his depression around 4 years ago. He's on medication and I'm grateful that he's been able to open up to me about it. I need more than what he can give me. He's works hard, 12 hour shifts- day and night shifts and has nothing left in his tank when he gets home. He plays on his xbox most of the time, neglecting me and his children. I work 25 hours a week as a nurse and run the house and am pretty much the only one who parents the kids. I understand because he is depressed and works so much that I should do most/all around the house. I clear up after us all and sort errands, housework etc. I'm exhausted too and feeling low. When I try to have serious conversations with my husband he tries to avoid them, he's always playing games on his phone and rarely looks up from it even when I'm talking to him. He'll text me long messages and I think he feels more comfortable communicating this way. When I bring up needing more from this relationship, I.e eating together sometimes, watching TV together etc, he will often walk away, switch off or say, not tonight. I've got to the point where I've been thinking about leaving him but when I've told him this, he's talked about his depression and how he often thinks about suicide which stops me from acting on it and feeling guilty for bringing anything up. He is able to maintain friends and has started playing football again, goes out for drinks with his friends, hes also going to Marbella with his friend next month. This shows me that he is able to give more to his friends. All I want from him is time, not loads, maybe one night a week, he says he will but then will go on his xbox or watch Netflix upstairs, even during his annual leave. Not sure what advice I need but anyone in the same sort of boat as me? Thanks Mand