eviljedi

That is the worst advice I have ever heard. I hate it when people say that. "Just be yourself" etc. It's as if you can't change and I know for a fact that you can, you're not born shy. There's a saying, 'If you keep doing what you've been doing, then you'll keep getting what you've been getting' 'Be yourself' and 'that's who you are', are just excuses for not changing. What dose 'be yourself' mean? You are ALWAYS yourself!

Recently I discovered that I am afraid of, what seems to be getting into a long term relationship. I used to be fairly shy. I worked a lot on my confidence and now I'm happy with it. I used to not be able to talk to any girl without feeling nervous. Now I can talk to almost any girl without feeling nervous. The ones that I feel nervous around aren't the most beautiful, but rather than ones that I think a long term relationship would be possible. An example of my fear happened a few days ago. I got on the train and sat down and a few second later this girl from uni sat accross from me. I have seen her around and she seemed like a fun girl who was into the same things as me. I had my headphones in but normally if this was another girl I had seen in uni, I would have taken them out and started a conversation. Suddenly I started to feel really nervous, I started picturing what it would be like if we were going out (Both of us having a good time). I just nodded my head at her when she smiled and then I looked out the windows for the whole journey. I could tell she wanted to talk to me, I had a few signs in uni and she could have sat anywhere else on the train. When she saw that I wasn't going to talk to her she looked deflated. The more I sat there the more nervous I got. Now I have had this before with a few other girls and the one thing they all have in common is that I believed there was a good chance of a relationship starting. If there was some super model who I wouldn't want a long term commitment to then I could go up and start a conversation easily. I've been sitting here scratching my head trying to figure out why I get nervous around these girls. The only reason I could think of would be that I'm imagining her as my girlfriend and if that isn't the outcome then I will feel like I have messed something up. Has anyone else had this fear, how did you conquer it? Any advice appreciated. Thanks eviljedi

I know how you feel. I get this sometimes, I feel really good one day and then a little bad thing will happen and then my mood will go spiralling downwards for days. I used to hate it when it happened. I tried to 'hold on' to my happy mood but inevitably I would just slip down into sadness. You need to accept that your moods will change. Your emotions will be up and down. You can't control them, so you need to accept them. Always look at the positive side of things and don’t let little things get you down.

Hey enotaloners, recently I've been really confused. For the past few months I have been reading lots of self-help books etc. I was making goals and lists of things I wanted to achieve in life; things like getting a good job, becoming a more social person, travelling etc. Now, the past weekend I've just been alone thinking about my life a lot. I'm not sure I want to do any of them things anymore. I was depressed for a while but then I decided to work on all my faults etc. I started becoming more social, planning out things I wanted to do etc. Now the only thing I think I really want is to meet someone special, fall in love and be happy. I don't really care about the rest. The problem is you can't get better at falling in love. It just happens. So I can't do anything about it, I just need to wait and hope it happens someday, maybe tomorrow, maybe in 20 years. The problem is I don't know what to do with my time while I'm waiting for that to happen. I feel like a little kid trapped in an 18 year olds body. My life is just passing me by, and by the time I figure out what I want out of life it will be too late. I'm looking for people older than me to tell me how they figured out what they want out of life. I'm just scared of ending up like my parents, having not done much except work all their lives. When I first started thinking about what I am doing with my life, I thought I need some hobbies or something. Now, I don't care. I tried some things but never stuck at them, I just wasn't passionate enough about them. I think it's more than just the little things in life I'm worried about. It's my whole life. I know I'm going to end up, finishing university, getting a job, getting married (maybe) etc I don't even know if that's what I want. I used to think it was. I need to get my life on track, but I don't know where I'm going. Any advice? Thanks eviljedi

Hey, over the past few days I've been feeling really lonely. My brother moved out of the house a few weeks ago to live with his girlfriend, and my parents are away on holiday right now. I guess I didn't realize how lonely I was when my family was around me all the time. After having a couple of days by myself I realized that I need to make more friends. I have plenty of 'acquaintances' but not many true friends. By acquaintances I mean people who I see in work, university etc but I don't socialize with them outside. This got me thinking about my interests and hobbies. To be honest I don't really have any. I have tried lots of things but never really stuck at anything. I think I get on with people better if I have common interests with them. Most of my friends like the same music/movies/football teams etc. They don't have any hobbies either. Anytime I socialize with my friends, we just hang out and watch a movie or go to the pub. I don't want a hobby like playing the guitar or collecting stamps because then I will be stuck inside most of the time. I want something that will force me to go out and interact with new people. If I wasn't going to work and university everyday I wouldn't be doing ANYTHING! It makes me depressed to think that my whole life revolves around work. I would like to hear the hobbies that you guys have, and any suggestions on finding a good hobby. I was thinking there must be some clubs and stuff on at the university, so I'm going to check them out. I would also like to hear some suggestions for turning my acquaintances into actual friends who I can socialize outside of work/uni with. I talk to some people in work but I only talk to them about work, what's the best way to start a conversation about something other than work? I used to think that I was one of the most interesting people I knew. I still think I'm interesting but having no hobbies or interests other than; 'Music and hanging out with my mates' isn't very exiting. Any advice/comments welcome. Thanks eviljedi

Hey, I'm just back from a party and feeling weird. I went with my friends, I like them all but lately I have been feeling more and more distant from them. I got a little drunk, so did they. When I was sitting on a sofa in this bar, something very strange happened. It was like someone had just flicked on the light switch in my mind. I understood everything that was going on. I could of slept with any girl their tonight...I didn't want to. Most guys might say I'm crazy not wanting to sleep with hot girls. I feel like I have moved past that. I see the matrix. All the girls their have their * * * * out and they are gagging for it...they are so easy, it sickens me. All the guys just want to have sex with anyone, they don't care. Heck, I don't blame them it's a natural urge. I don't want to sound big headed but I feel 'better' than all these people. I don't want to go to bars/clubs anymore. Everyone is so sad looking for someone to F***. I just want to meet a girl that knows what I'm thinking, and is on the same page. I started talking to this girl about this and she looked at me like I was a freak...she was so dumb. I feel like humans are just like animals, no difference. Animals eat, sleep and have sex. That all humans do really. There is no point to it all. I spent the last year studying social dynamics and everything about how to 'get laid' and make friends etc. It now seems so mechanical to me, I know exactly what is going on in any given interaction. People are so predicable. AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THIS!? I guess I want to know the meaning of life, but no one will be able to tell me. I used to just want to live a happy life, get married, and have kids...all the usual stuff. Now I can't see the point. I can manipulate most people to do things I want them to do, using different NLP techniques (Neuro-Linguistic Programming). It's boring socializing with people now. Everyone is boring. People will read this and think that's not true you can't understand every social situation etc. I can, I do. I feels like a magic trick, when you are shown how to do it, it looses its effect. The same applies to socializing. I feel like no one understands how I feel. What's the point in having sex, having a realationship? Maybe I am different from everyone else. All 6 billion of you guys. You are all the same, doing the same * * * * all the time. I am a social guy, I used to love going out to bars and 'picking up' girls. All my friends still do it. I hate it now. It's too easy, the girls don't challenge me. I have never felt a strong bond or emotion connection with any girl in my entire life. I kept telling myself that the next one would be different, but they were always the same. Anytime I meet someone who even remotely understands me they end up thinking I'm an * * * * * * * or something stupid. I seen a girl that I thought might of been different tonight. I work next to her. I have spoken to her a few times. I thought she liked me. Instead of me going to her (Like all males of the species do). I waited to see if she would talk to me...she didn't. She was dancing with other guys...she kept looking at me. I knew what to say, when to say it. I could have been in her house right now. But theirs no point...I would only hurt her, or she would hurt me. Maybe I'm going to live my whole life feeling alone. I'm sorry if this is hard to understand, I'm drunk. I used to be a complete social reject. I couldn't talk to girls. I thought it would be cool to have any girl I wanted. It isn't when all you want girls for is their looks. It was good at first. I was sleeping with lots of girls. Now it's just boring. ANY girl I meet if I do things right then we will end up sleeping together. It's so predictable that I can't imagine ever meeting a girl again, and actually liking her for her. I see the way girls look at me, I'm not an attractive guy, but I have an aura I guess. If only they knew how sad I was underneath, I am just covering it up with this fake cockiness and confidence. If anyone has any clue about what I'm talking about, please give me comfort or advice.

I think you are right in saying that I can't just read a book and become a great leader. I know you need experiance, but I was just looking for some pointers. My main problem is when I try and lead a group and then someone else 'takes over', like they don't want to follow what I'm saying.

Maybe you should make one of your life goals: Happiness You can be wealthy and healthy but still depresed.

Hey, I'm trying to improve my leadership abilities. Can anyone recommend some good books to read? There seem to be a lot out there but 90% of that stuff is bull * * * *. Thanks eviljedi

Hey, I haven't posted in a while. I used to post all the time about how I was too shy to speak to girls etc. I knew I was a cool guy but I would turn into a dork when talking to girls. After months of working on my self confidence I can now talk to girls, no problem...but I still don't have a girlfriend. I think it might be because I don't know what 'normally' happens from meeting a girl to starting a relationship with her. Could someone who has had several girlfriends please post the 'steps'? What I mean by that is, what normally happens from the moment you say 'Hi' until she is officially your girlfriend. I have gotten up to the stage of playfully flirting/teasing girls. I think the next stage might be asking them for a date. But I know plenty of guys who have gotten girlfriends that never went on a "date" with them. I feel like I have come so far from the shy guy I used to be in high school. Once I started being confident it was easy. I feel like it will be the same once I know the stages in a relationship then it will be easier the next time. I know that every relationship is different, but there must be some broad steps that the majority follow. Thanks eviljedi

In the never ending quest to try and better myself I have realized I need more of this magical substance known as charisma. I have found a list of things that will apparently make me more charismatic: 1. Build up your self-esteem and self-confidence. 2. Set goals for yourself before every interaction. Know what you want. 3. Be proactive. Take the initiative. Be decisive. 4. Treat each person you meet as if he or she is truly important. You'll be amazed how this works. 5. Give a firm handshake; look the other person straight in the eye. 6. Listen! Listen! Listen! Teach yourself to develop good listening skills. 7. Visibly respond to the other person. Smile, nod agreement, and address him or her by name. 8. Pay more attention to the other person than to yourself. Be caring. 9. Use sincere flattery. People do respond to flattery. But if you don't feel it, don't say it. 10. Sum up or restate often to make sure you understand what has just been said. Remember charisma is not based on genetics, IQ, social position, or luck. It s actually a skill. And anyone can learn and master it. Okay, so working my way through these I'm finding some problems... 1. Done, my confidence is much greater than I ever though possible 2 years ago, I am happy with my current level of confidence. 2. I try and set goals, but sometimes it is difficult and I'm not really sure what I want from the interaction or it is unplanned and I have had no time to think of a clear goal(s). 3. Hmm... this is a tricky one. I think this means controlling a situation by causing something to happen rather than waiting to respond to it after it happens. (Comments on how to be more effective at his?) 4. This works, as I have seen other people interacting like that one person means everything to them. I've not managed to interact with someone quite like that yet, how can I sound more interested in the person? 5. I like this one, works every time. I just need to remember to look people in the eye more often because I've been forgetting lately and I have noticed its effects on people. 6. Here I have a problem. Sometimes when I'm having a conversation it feels like I'm not really there, in the moment. I'm just waiting for my turn to speak. I need to improve my listening skills, should I be thinking of things to say when the other person is talking, or just listening to them. I don't want them to finish talking and not have anything to say, but I want to speak to them about something relevant. 7. No problems with this one. 8. Dose this mean to what the other person is saying or something else, to me it sounds similar to #6 9. I think I could improve in this area also, I have a problem giving people compliments, when I give them they sound weird and sometimes random e.g. "I like your hair!" Any tips? 10. I get this one, basically repeat things to make sure you understand them. Should you still do this even if you understand; will this make me more charismatic? I would appreciate advice of any of these or just on being more charismatic in general. 8) Thanks eviljedi

Hey, recently some of my friends started going to clubs and bars and I've been invited a few times. I enjoy going with them but they all try to meet girls and end up dancing/talking with them and I'm just left standing there alone. It's not that I don't want to meet girls, it's just I don't think the kind of girls I'm looking for are at these clubs. I don't want to stop going with them because I feel like I'm being anti-social and missing out. Also, because they are older and have been going to these places for longer they know quite a lot of the people that regularly go, where as I only know a few that I might see from school/work. Once we enter a club for example we will go to the bar and get a few drinks and then they might start talking to people they know (guys or girls). I'm left standing next to them not talking to anyone and feeling like a loner. If I see someone I know I go up and chat to them for a few minutes and then they go to dance with someone etc. At the end of the night I might even end up getting a taxi home myself because they end up going home with girls they have met. I prefer talking with people rather than dancing and clubs aren't the best places for talking. I'm not very good at just going up to complete strangers and starting a conversation either, so it's pretty difficult to keep talking to people. I feel weird when talking to girls in bars because they always assume your hitting on them. Dose anyone have any advice for starting conversations in clubs/bars with girls you don't know? Thanks eviljedi P.S I was listing to How Soon Is Now by The Smiths and one of the lyrics seemed so appropriate: "...There's a club, if you'd like to go You could meet somebody who really loves you So you go, and you stand on your own And you leave on your own And you go home, and you cry And you want to die..."

Hey, recently it feels like all my conversations have become boring, even with my good friends I am now noticing silences and they become bored easily. I can think of lots of things to say to my friends when they're not around but then when I'm talking I go blank. I try and listen to the news and keep up with common interests that my friends have, how else can I find more things to talk about? Also, dose anyone have any advice on what to do when there is an uncomfortable silence and I can't think of anything to say? Thanks eviljedi

Hey man, I know what you feel like. My last lot of exams were the most stressful yet and I was getting headaches everyday as deadlines came closer and closer. Kudos for passing your GCSEs! As for the college choice, I would give it a few months and I'm sure you'll prefer to move on from school and not worrying about your ex anymore. Everyone has to go there own way in life so just stick with it!

Hey, I've been a member of enotalone for quite a while now and it has really helped me improve my life. The reason I first posted here was the same as most shy guys. I wanted to be more confident and meet more girls. Now over a year later I can say that I am more confident and I do meet more girls, but for some reason I haven't hit it off with any of them. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm embarrassed when I meet new guy friends and they all talk about previous girlfriends etc. I feel like I'm a 10 year old 'experience wise' compared with other guys the same age as me. I go to bars and clubs etc, meet girls, talk, buy them a drink...and then they walk off; or I ask them to dance and they subtlety reject me. I don't know why, I'm defiantly not the ugliest guy at the bar. I was thinking it may be because I'm only 18 and other guys are older and seen as being more powerful than me, thereforeeee girls are attracted to them. But some of my friends can go out and meet girls no problem. I feel like I'm at the bottom of the pile and no girl would ever want to be with me, I've just about given up hope after girls who I think are maybe at least a little bit attracted to me say to me they are "Just being friendly". I don't want to go out and have 1 night stands every night; I just want to meet a cool girl who could be my girlfriend. Why is it so hard?

I've met a few shy people who seem nice at first but then turn out to be jerks; they are just too shy to show their true self. As for the people saying that SkyFire was telling people to play games. That's nonsense; he was just saying get a life and stop thinking about this girl all the time. If she sees how happy you are on your own, then she will want to be with you.

They do?? Why don't you ask him why he hasn't called you yet?

How do you know what your life will be like when your 24? I think you should just hang in there. We have all been through rough times but come out of them a better person. It sounded like you were having a bad time at school because of friends and girls and stuff. High school sucks! Most people in there teens haven't learned to accept what isn't the norm. Instead of listing all the stuff you can't do how about listing the things you can do, and the things you want. e.g. I want more respect I want a Job I want to concentrate harder Etc Now think about how you could get these things, respect yourself and others will respect you more. Apply for jobs, wear a shirt and tie to the interview and speak clearly, prepare things to say beforehand. Even if it's just in McDonalds or something you will impress people if you dress smartly and any job is better than none. To me, you have a lot of potential to live a great life. I wouldn't even be considering suicide; you never know what will happen in your life. I also wouldn't expect things to magically get better, if you want your life to be different, make it different! Look at an idol and see how they live there life, ask yourself, how could I be more like them? I know how you feel, I'm almost 18 and I can't even grow facial hair, all the girls I speak to just see me as a friend and date older 20 year old guys that are taller and more masculine than me. But I saw how my brother developed late and now he is living with a great girl and enjoying life to the full. One day you will be a man, but enjoy your youth.

Good Advice 8)

I try, but most of the time I'm on myself and I only see the same people about once every two or three weeks. I do socialize with them, but only for short periods of time and the conversations are nothing exciting.

Hey, it's been about a month and a half since I finished school and I'm starting to feel really depressed. I haven't seen any of my friends in a few weeks as some of them from school were being jerks and I decided I didn't want to be friends with them anymore; my other friends are all busy, on holidays etc. In a few months I'll be starting university and I'm sure I'm going to make new friends there but I don't know what to do until then. Right now I feel really lonely as my brother has recently moved out and my parents are away on holiday. The only time I really get out my house is to go to work and because I always get moved around I don't get a chance to talk to the same people very often. I think back to a few months ago and it makes me feel so sad because I never really hung around with my 'real' friends from school and now it's too late. I was thinking of inviting over a few friends but the only ones I still have contact with, don't invite me when they are going out and always put me down etc. My last year at school felt great, my confidence was at an all time high and I started meeting more girls. Now I'm feeling so depressed my confidence is so low I can hardly bring my self to start a conversation (with anyone!). I've thought about trying to take up a hobby or something but I just don't think I can right now because I'm feeling so down. I desperately need some advice; I don't want to start university as a depressed wreck!

Hey, I just realized that one of my best friends for 3 years has really not been my friend at all! Over the past few months I've noticed some negative behaviour from him, not interested in contacting me, trying to slag me in front of other friends (in a joking sort of way, but I knew he really meant the things he said). Also, when some of my other friends are going out then he will tell them not to invite me to parties and things. I guess the only reason for him acting like this is because he's jealous, I'm going away to university and he will be stuck here in a crappy job. Most of my other friends have grown further apart since I left school and now that he is out to get me, I've got a feeling I will loose my friends that hang around with him as well. To be honest I'm not really that bothered about them because I know I will make new friends at Uni anyway, but for the next few months I'm not sure how to act towards them, should I just tell them they are jerks, or should I just not contact them and see what happens? I really don't want to confront him about it because about a year ago we fell out for a while because he was always putting me down and I was really depressed. Any advice on this situation would be really helpful Thanks eviljedi

Hey, recently I've been feeling like I've lost my sense of humour. I guess it's gradually gone down because a few years ago I used to make people laugh all the time. Lots of people told me I was the funniest guy they knew, not for telling jokes, but just being generally funny. Nowadays if I even attempt to say something funny it rarely gets a 'real' laugh, I feel like I've lost something. Another thing I have noticed is when I'm hanging around with my friends and one of them says something and everybody laughs, I don't really laugh like I used to. I used to laugh quite loud like, "HAHAHAH!" now it's more like, "heheheh". At first I thought it was confidence, but my confidence has never been higher than it is right now, but I still feel unfunny. Has anybody else ever felt like this, or dose anybody have any ideas? I'm gonna go watch some comedy dvds, hopefully that will bring back my lost humour... Thanks eviljedi

lol, Simple Plan aren't exactly singing love songs. I wouldn't look into that much. Weird thing is, why would she have an mp3 played but not a pc to download the songs?

Girls are so confusing!