TrueHeart

Hi all-- a new update in the world of SuperGirl. My XXBF, as you all know-- has had a GF for a little over 2 months now. Meanwhile, he's been hanging out with me, and we practically are in the "dating" scene together. Over the course of a month with him, I've noticed a lot of change. She's in town for the summer from college, and he sees her less now than ever.. She's very religious, co-dependant on her family, and moreover, hides their entire relationship from her family because she's afraid they'll find out she's dating him. According to him, in 2 months, they have yet to go on a REAL date that she hasn't cancelled out on, or given him a time restriction. Then something happened.... Just in the past few days, he's done a complete turn around. He admitted to me that he wants to end the relationship with her, but he knows that she's head-over-heels-- he desperately wants to break it off, but he doesn't want to hurt her. I've explained that there is no easy way to do such a thing. He has reinterated that he's dumping her for his own reason, and they have nothing to do with me or the time we spend together. Apparently, yesterday they hung out-- He called her, and she said that she was busy all afternoon... and then just hung up! I guess she called back and said that she made her father lunch and dinner and that she had 1pm-6pm to hang out. Adam asked her "..so that was your 'i'm busy all afternoon' was just making your Dad something to eat?" She said yes. So they went to lunch, and saw Shrek 2. Adam told me that he was getting annoyed with her presense because she "dresses and acts like a child"-- explaining the miniature Tonka truck lunch-pale she brought to the movie serving as her "purse"---?? I mean, common! The thought of her mentality alone annoys even ME. So anyways, I guess their 'time' was up- and he headed home. I called him and asked him what he was up to, and if he wanted to grab something to eat. So we went out, and thats when we talked about it. He told me he was scared to tell her, but he KNOWS he has to do it because its not being fair to him or her. I really was at a loss for words. I tried to give neutral advice and not come off so pushy or one-sided about the whole thing. We went back to his apartment, where I hung out with him and his roomie.. and the phone rang -- it was her. He told her that he was busy, and that he couldn't talk now. We ended up just watching TV.. but I know his mind was on it, because he had that contemplative look on his face. When he walked me out, I put my arm around him (like a friend would) and said it would be ok, that he would figure it out... and I left it at that. I kept it pretty cut-and-dry... Apparently, she is going on a month retreat with her church to be a guidance counselor at one of the camps up north.. He knows it would be ideal to end it with her before she goes on retreat. I think that I've given him enough space, but I think more is needed... Any predictions or suggestions for this superhero?

Well I suppose it depends highly on the situation. You're right. Sometimes the NC rule works, but there is nothing that's 100%. Anyone that says one way (dumper or dumpee) thats easier to initial NC, probably hasn't been in a relationship worth anything. But once again, it depends on the situation. If you caught someone being unfaithful, its different than when someone just doesn't want to put the seat down any longer, and you'll just burst at that.... I suppose its different for each person, each situation. Though it is a good thought to ponder on if you're in the middle of the NC rule like I am.

This section of your entry disturbs me... Particularily the line where you say that at YOUR request, she's seeing a counselor-- does she NOT recognize that its a problem to want to go on her own?? Also, you said you don't forgive easily??-- You did.... 3 TIMES-- and you DON'T want to throw away a relationship because of trust issues?? Why not? Seems very silly to me, that you might be hanging on to something that isn't there. I am friends with all my x's, but I wouldn't spend 100 minutes (..ahem, thats over an HOUR) several times on the phone.. and innocent?? I don't think so, friend.. I highly doubt that she's spending time talking about how wonderful YOU are to this guy-- especially over an hours worth... and hon, to point something out: She wasn't going to EVER tell you, until you found out and caught her... I know you love her, and I'm sure she loves you-- but I see a disaster happening or already happened. Especially if HER friends are mad at HER for breaking up with HIM.... Gee, thats some compliment to you, huh? I think she needs, and MOREOVER YOU need to sort your life/feelings out. Breaking up with her was the best thing, because there is no other way she will learn because now she's forced to think about it, forced to make a decision about what she needs to do. She's playing you for the fool simply because she knows you love her and will eventually take her back. Thats a comfortable pillow for her to fall on--- meanwhile, still CONTINUING to talk and probably see him, no doubt. Oh, and rama.... one more thing: When she called him in front of you-- I'm starting to think perhaps she DIDN'T really call him, maybe just pretended to just for spite--- or if she did, she was quick to get on the phone with him again to explain why she would say that... She needs to make her mind up, and you've made the right decision by lettin this one go. You cannot allow this to happen-- if you're not so forgiving-- don't be, despite how you feel.... because you'll only make it HARDER on YOURSELF, not her.. If she still carries a candle for this guy, let her sort it out. Regardless of whatever excuse she gives you-- what your feeling in your heart is what you should stick to... If you feel like you've been or are being betrayed, chances are.... You're right...

Well... At this point, my friend-- its a toss up. It could be a number of things-- but sincerely, I think your first instinct is usually the more correct one. I think you're getting taken for a ride. I'll be the first to admit that women are cruel, cruel people sometimes... Men are equally so as well... Either way, have some pride in yourself-- perhaps now that YOU'VE established contact, and laid the grounds down how you feel, perhaps let that 'seed' grow a bit-- or die.. A little patience might be in your benefit here, in either direction. Even though you miss her, you've told her where you're coming from.. Now, let it be.. and see where she takes it ON HER OWN-- without you being the 5th wheel in the back... Sometimes, people have a tendency to show their true colors without you even seeing so....

Well-- it does sound like to me that she doesn't know what she wants. But anyone ANYONE that does something JUST to see your reaction is doing that maliciously-- thats wrong. You're right in feeling played. Whats going on in her head? Mm, could be a number of things. Perhaps she's feeling torn between you and another man, or that she is testing your devotion to her.. In any case, anyone who does something just to ge a rise out of you, is someone who is truly not seeing your feelings at heart.. On the other hand, it could be a twisted, manipulative way of making sure you still care. Its good your communication lines are back on track... but if you suspect she's hiding things from you-- straight off the bat, is it worth it??

Well, probably that she's actually ready to talk to you again... Keep things light if you do talk to her. Perhaps a bit more info on what you want will help you help us! 8)

Mmm, sounds to me like yes he's confused. Sometimes, people do things out of spite because they're hurt. Since its been 3-4 months, he's probably testing the waters.. You can guarentee that he's sad and has thought about what he's done, but I understand when you say that all he does is hurt you by saying "i love you but I dont want to be with you" The NO CONTACT rule might have been a great after-effect pending this 1 night stand.. Perhaps you might need to spend a little bit more time TALKING to him about things, instead of letting him pour his heart out. Ask him questions, but none that will spark an argument. Its hard because there are a lot of tender things that can cause one, especially now. I think he's thought about getting back with you, yes... Mostly, what YOU need to do is just analyze things a little bit. Do you really want him back after he did that? Could you trust him getting drunk again without you? If you feel he's worth forgiving, then tell him... If not, perhaps keeping him at a friendships-distance is probably all for the better..

Hmmm... I say perhaps DO give her a call.. Couldn't hurt. Sometimes when people are upset, they have a tendency to think and act irrationally. Now that she's had a few days, perhaps, to herself... make the casual call.. Your story is rather vague, and a bit on the brief side-- so perhaps a bit more info on your end would help people respond better to what you are wanting help with...

Fausto- Here's one for you: "Hurt me once-- shame on you. Hurt me twice-- shame on ME." Sounds to me like she wants to hide your relationship-- and if this other guy talks crap about her, and she's SO concerned with HER reputation,, I totally agree that she's not worth your time. I am in a similar, or should I say, my XXBF is in a similar predicament... Anyone who claims to love you, should be proud of that. Sure, she made a mistake ONCE-- but for pete's sake, its like she's shopping for shoes.... You're her regular old pair of tennis shoes-- all worn in, but comfortable.. Then she sees a newer, cleaner pair... looks more comfortable... She tosses you in the closet, buys these new pair, but they don't fit right.... so what does she do?? Toss those away, and put her old ones back on (you)-- until another pair looks a little more appealing, she'll do the same thing.. Misguided? Heh, thats an understatement for this girl. She's clearly not in any condition to have such a nice guy like you. Be firm, let her know that you're not her toy, and that she made the decision to leave YOU--- She's taking advantage of the fact that deep down, she KNOWS you'll take her back--- that those old shoes will STILL fit, and be just as comfortable as before.... Well hon, its time to tie your laces in knots so she can't slip her feet in anymore... These shoes are made for walking.... and thats what it should do....

Well, we had our discussion: Here's how it went. He told me that he was confused, but that he was confused about him. He said to me that he loves Jenna AND I... But its strange because he doesn't understand why he feels the way he does. He said he loves both of us, and that he has to make a decision. In telling me all this, he disclosed to me that he has been putting off breaking up with Jenna for weeks now. He told me that they've been dating for 2 months, and have YET to go on a real date-- he said, she's AFRAID to even go on a date with him. He told me last night, that he has to tell her today that he knows she's not the one for him. I know this because last night they were suppose to see a movie... but he cancelled for some reasons unknown-- according to him, "his own reasons"-- he said she constantly bails on him and the only time she ever wants to hang out is when she wants to come over and fool around, and even in that-- tis really not fooling around because she never goes all the way. This doesn't necessarily mean that I'm automatically going to be in that place, but I think now more than ever-- especially if he's going to break up with her today, I really DO need to leave him alone. I told him that I respected what he was telling me, and that I would be here for him. (He was a bit drunk at this point)-- He did say it is and already is very difficult to tell both of us (Jenna and I), that he feels the need to break up with her-- not for me, but for HIM. He said that she's not the one for him... Verbatum. He said that he knows she is head-over-heels in love with him-- but he doesn't return the love.... So how we left it was that he was going to confront her today about it. I'm dying to really call him, but I know that is wrong and is completely premature-- and could cause more damage for me..... No No No, I certainly DONT want that. Either way, I think he's finally seeing what this has done to him, and is making his move. Is the best thing I can do right now is to give him space?? I certainly think so-- I know when he tears away from her, he's going to feel some pain and rescentment, and i really don't want to be in the cross-fire. The best thing I did for him was tell him that I would be here for him if he needed anything... which may have been saying too much already.... So-- any thoughts? Insight? Fore-shadowing on this wall of dilemma thats about to come crashing down? I'd really like to hear any feedback...

It never really did end.. Its been kind of on-going... We never really lost the loving feeling, you know? We split because I had my head up my rear, and cheated on him... It was a mistake the immediate moment it happened-- but the damage was done. I was completely honest with him and told him everything, but I had broken his heart.. He said that he forgave me, and all was ok... Just at lunch today, he said that HE was the one confused about HIMSELF-- not about me or her... Which in turn led me to inquire why.. he said he did want to tell me, but didn't want to make it brief, as there is a lot to discuss apparently. He wants to get together with me to talk about it..... I think I will use this opportunity to have this 'last meeting' with him and distance myself from him once he tells me why and what he's confused about... It will be the peak moment I'll need. What do you think??

Wow-- thanks guys. I really never looked at it like the emotional support too-- and making it more tolerable as well for him.. Mmmm.. I always thought it was the physical support because she won't sleep with him. I will try that, indefiniteily. I think the time away will drive him crazy, and because she's such a 'blue-baller'- it might quicken the frustration process.. My first instinct was to just disappear... I think I will.. Any more suggestions on how I should announce my absense?? And your 100% correct about Jenna... I just can't believe it...

For those who haven't been following along, or are new-- I've been out of an emotionally abusive relationship for about 3 months... it was a rebound relationship gone sour. I truly never let my XXBF go, and he truly never let go of me. Ironically around the same time I dumped by last BF (Earl), my XXBF (Adam) started asking this other girl (Jenna) out. They've only been dating as long as I've been single-- but the relationship has a big fasaude. Since my recent break-up, I've been wanting to rekindle my relationship with Adam... He had asked Jenna out for a month straight and she still told him no... I don't know what transpired for her to finally give in, but she did. Here's the snag: Adam is not a religious person, and she comes from a very religious family. She herself is very religious. She is 18 and Adam is going to be 21 next month. Part of the reason it took her a month to finally give in to his asking was that she wanted him to believe in the Bible, God, etc.. He said no, so SHE said no to him asking her out. She goes to school 2 hours away in Northern Arizona for the entire school year, but is now living in Phoenix for the summer. They don't see eachother that often because she hides their relationship from her parents because if they found out she was dating a non-believer, they would pull her funding from her schooling, and possibly worse (this is all verbatum from Adam)-- I know this hurts him, and he is tired of the confusion she puts him through. He and I have been hanging out A LOT. We still act like BF/GF, despite his attachment to someone else. I have asked him on occasion why he chooses to be in a relationship with her if he truly doesn't love her (apparently), and why does he do things with me? They still call eachother everyday, use the same pet names we use-- and I've about had it!! Here's the kicker: He's told me that his patience with her is running thin. She doesn't sleep with him because of her religious beliefs, so she is still a virgin. She's told him this, but still 'cock-teases' him by begging him to have sex with her. I know Adam, and he said he refuses to do that because he doesn't want to be responsible for it. When I brought that up to him, I said that it would only be a matter of time before he gave in-- he adamently told me that will NOT happen, and THATS when he told me he was running out of patience with that whole scenerio. She CHOOSES to hide their relationship for selfish reasons, and I've told him that if someone CLAIMS to love you, they should be proud of you, no matter what consequence. He says he does know this.. but then, we all went on a camping trip (she didn't go, she wasn't invited)-- He has told me that she is jealous of the time I spend with him, but I don't care about her... What she's doing is wrong... but then something that just came out of left-field.... Adam told me he was "confused"-- when I asked him about it, he said that he was"..confused about the the feelings he has for Jenna and the feelings he has for me" What the hell does that mean? I've asked him to elaborate, but I don't want to upset him. I do not think its right that he does all these things with me, and then with her-- in fact, I deep down want him to make a choice, and that choice be me-- but I don't want to present the ultimatum. I've tried staying away, giving him space, but the question just drives me mad!!! We DO need to talk about it more, but I don't know what that means.... "..confused about the the feelings he has for Jenna and the feelings he has for me" Does this mean that he wants to love me instead? He certainly isn't happy with her if he does this with me, he knows it... I've asked him before if he does it despite Jenna.. and he firmly tells me its because HE wants to.. and HE wants to be with me by his own choice... I sincerely think he is confused... but maybe some of you guys can shed some light on it for me..? Any advice or translation is welcome!

Oh yes xxatti!! Indeed... There are those out there who defy the laws of men who can be jerks.. I just wish I'd meet a few of them... And Ated-- Since I've gotten out of my last relationship, I have rediscovered myself again.. Once again, I paid a price-- I sacrificed my identity for someone... its the worst! I am posting a scenerio today, I invite all of you to tell me figure this one out.... even you xxatti..

Honestly hon, its a chance you're going to have to take. Make your phone call very innocent.. Perhaps something along the lines of, "hey, there's a new movie that came out, have you seen it?"-- or make the phone call very VERY casual simply saying " Hey I thought I'd give you a call to see how you're doing. I'd like to hang out sometime, if you had a spare moment.." You want to portray FRIENDSHIP accross to him. What will get you shot down is if you sound like a desperate fool trying to get him back... You want to show him your happy and ever-smiling, be the FUN person you were when he first met and fell in love with you.. Let him remember on his own your friendship.. If he can't see that, or doesn't want it -- I mean after you extend your hand in FRIENDSHIP-- then I'm afraid that you will just have to accept that he's moved on and doesn't want your friendship... BUT---!!! You have to take the risk... Just hope for the best, but expect the worst and you won't be disappointed. If you love him, if you care for him, atleast make the call... If he says yes, you can work from your friendship again-- if he says no, then it just might be the closure you need to move on yourself... You CAN do it!!!

I couldn't agree more...

Perhaps you need a few days or a week to figure your feelings out.. Just make sure that you don't jump to conclusions. I cannot stress the importance of HONESTY.. Lying gets everyone in trouble.. I learned that HARD lesson the HARD way!!! Rather hurt someone with the TRUTH than KILL them with a lie... Just remember that...

Yes... absolutely.. She is 100% correct. If he does that justice to you and apologizes, it will make you feel better and finally give you the CLOSURE you need. Don't let him sucker you back into a relationship, because he will only disrespect you more for that. No no, if he does that-- remind him he had his chance, burned that bridge-- but you accept his apology... That way, not only are you doing yourself a favor, you'll be showing him YOUR the bigger person... I'm sooooo happy you're on your way to becoming over his loser. Just remember that you're not whining, you're a person whose been hurt and seek comfort... You go girl! I wish I could give you a hug!!! \

Sounds to me like you DO still have feelings for your X--err, one of your X's. You feel so strongly to them and they to you because you are comfortable with eachother. With this new guy, if you think he's just taking you for a ride in order to take advantage of you, and THATS your first instinct-- its probably true... and you should LISTEN to yourself. Do you love this new guy? Do you love your X? As hard as it sounds, you NEED to make a decision. Does this new guy KNOW you hang out with your X's? I'll be he doesn't.. Guys don't like competition like that, and even though its friends-only-- you'll totally come out looking like a player. I agree with all the previous posts, you need to make sure that you tell TELL your X's that they're friends only, and you ENJOY their friendships... Its a tough call in any situation.. but honestly, if you have more fun with your X's, I say ditch the new guy who you truly believe is out to take advantage of you.... but then, once you're left with your X's, and you determine you have feelings for ONE of them, you need to make a decision... and stick to it.. Best of luck! Hope this helps

You've got the right idea!! Absense makes the heart grow fonder!!! \ You'll be happy with the results, either way!!

Well, I am sure happy to help out. And yes, I am experienced, but I had to learn the hard way... and MY experience didn't come free either.. I paid for it with many years of tears, heartache, pain and sadness.. Quite a price to pay.. But I don't want to let it be wasted in vain, so I just pick up and LEARN from it. Naturally, you will blame yourself-- mostly because you feel SO STUPID, right? Thats all part of learning. Your a pessimist, and pessimists always see things negatively. Especially when something like this happens, because then you wonder why it happened and what you did-- its just how you are. I am part pessimist too, partially because I cannot handle compliments either. Don't want to sound conceited or anything. Sometimes we have to meet a few WRONG people in life to really know when the RIGHT one comes in, so we know how to appreciate him and not take it for granted. I guarentee now you have more insight on the whole 'relationship' thing than you did a year ago, right? See, you've atleast learned something. Never just STOP trusting people, just be more careful how you trust. I can relate to you so well because you're like me, you love with your WHOLE heart-- and when it breaks, it absolutely shatters. Your self-esteem gets knocked down, and you really feel in the dumps.... but not to worry.. because the only person that can fix that is YOU.. You've got to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue walking.. My biggest problem was I was so co-dependant on another person for my happiness... Thats ok when the other person reciprocates that, but when they don't-- you love in vain. HIS friends calling you those things are no different than anyone else saying that about you---- the only difference is that you actually HEAR it, so of course it bothers you. You have nothing to prove to them... they're stoner losers who put other people down because it makes THEIR own self-esteem feel better.... kind of like a grown-up (saying very loosely) version of a playground bully. You have NOTHING to prove to them... you KNOW you're not a psycho, or anything like that... and you just have to say to yourself "Well.. I'm SO sorry you feel that way about someone you don't even know yourself.." See? Then you beat them at their OWN game! Aha! ((fanfare)) The same mentality goes towards your X. A form of reverse psycology always does the trick...

I also am in a similar situation... However, my XXBF is the one I'm in love with.. He's leading the two of us on, telling me that he's confused about their relationship.. I completely understand your confusion.. This makes it hard because you all are friends... Realizing that you still love your X, even though your current BF your with, is SOO extremely unfair to YOU and your new BF. As I wish my XXBF would do: Gum up the guts and just make a decision... You will hurt one or all parties inevitably, but atleast you won't be stringing them along.... This is a tight situation with a short fuse for back-firing-- tread softly, but honestly.... I sincerely wish you luck, friend... you are indefinitely going to need it..

They're never easy... I've been the dumper AND the dumpee... Neither job is fun, and neither is easier than the other... When you let someone go, apart of YOU goes with them.. this is the part that causes pain. Its a cruel world out there.. but as they say, it always gets worse before it gets better....

Beec has an excellent suggestion.... Truly falls in-line with the old addage, 'You don't know what you have, until you don't have it anymore.'--- Just give her time too, in time, she may or may not realize that HE is just not YOU... but leave all possibilities open, and you will not be disappointed...

Andy Andy Andy-- Boy if I didn't see this one coming. I can honestly say that NOW your X finally sees what she was missing. You're right in saying she needs more space and to definitely learn independance. In telling her that you were in a relationship and telling her that you see potential in your new gal, did hurt-- but you know what, it was honest... and shows that you aren't trying to lead her on. The truth hurts.. She wanted to let you go, hon... Remember that. Your age gap has a lot to do with that. Thank goodness your new gal is being very patient. The best thing to do to maintain that is be honest with BOTH women. You're right, devoting your emotional energy to 2 women is completely draining, and unfair to your new gal. You want to impose that you've decided to move on, and you feel its best for the both of you. Tell your X that you still want to be just friends, but nothing more. You don't want to confuse her, even though having a friends-only relationship now will most likely do that because you both have lingering feelings. Those do need to subside and be filed away ASAP. If she won't stop calling you, I would perhaps arrange to talk to her in a public place, perhaps a park or something. Tell her that it would be unfair of you to want to take her down a road that will not turn out for the long run.. Let her know that you CARE for her (DO NOT use 'LOVE' as she will absolutely miscontrue the meaning of that) Let her know you will be there for her, but only as a friend. This you need to be firm on. It will hurt her, but that is inevitable-- no matter what you say, honestly. You need to tell her what she NEEDS TO KNOW, not what she WANTS TO HEAR. Just keep that in mind, and you'll find that the words you need to say will be easier on you and her. Avoid using the word 'love'- use 'care for' and 'respect her feelings'-- even IF you truly do love her deep down, you don't want to tell her that--- thats leading her to believe there is hope... if you truly want to end it, you need to keep your ultimate objective in mind..... Unfortunately, my friend, there is NOTHING you can say that will make it easier or less painful than the truth. In time, she will learn to accept and embrace her independance-- and for that, she will be a much better friend in the long run....